:jawdrop: She's 45! That is insane. Really, I just cannot imagine. That is an unhealthy relationship if you ask me, for all of you.

That is insane- I agree. She is too old to be such a needy baby to her dad. He sounds like a control freak and thinks he can treat you as second and get away with it. My DH used to think so too, until a few months ago when I finally stood up to him and his stupid SD. I would lay down the law, either he starts acting like a proper husband or hit the highway.

That's a bit too old to be relying on daddy. I was thinking she was a teenager, until I read a bit further. I am guessing that's how it was before you came into his life, right? If I am thinking correctly then money really is not an issue and he is willing to give to his daughter, right? Do you go without anything? I seriously believe he's so wrong to put her ahead of you, his wife, but old dogs do not learn new tricks easily...they DO learn though!
If all the daughter wants is money then, if there's plenty, let her have it! If that's what makes them happy?
If I were you I'd focus more on your relationship with DH, you have his time and his money and all she has is some of his money when she wants it...not such a bad deal really. As time goes by you can begin to set limits, gradually wean the daughter off her daddy's bankroll and there will be a whole lot less animosity.
You might even try to build a relationship with his daughter?
We have an 18 year old girl here who only calls when she wants something. DH got wise eventually and now we take her shopping for what she NEEDS and there's a small amount of pocket change for her. Kids are going to mess up with money, that's a given. This girl/woman is probably not going to manage at all if the supply is cut off suddenly.
Give it some time, being percieved as coming between a parent and child is NOT a good place to be for anyone involved, it just breeds resentments in my experience...believe me the step parent is the first to be maligned!
Just keep a quiet eye on what's going on for now, suggest that, since the dynamic has changed...you are MARRIED, you and he set a limit for parting with cash without discussing it first and watch how he transforms. That way you are not forbidding him to do anything...right? His daughter still gets hand outs and she's happy too. You then have some control over the money going out of the house too...win win!
Money causes so many fights when it really need not. I wish you luck.

There are some parents and children who never grow past the parent/child stage into a more adult friendship stage. You can find 70yo mothers still bossing their 50yo daughters like a child - and the 50yo complying.

Your husband has "big daddy" syndrome writ large. He is probably never going to change at this point.

I guess you just have to decide what you want from the marriage and if you get that. I know an older couple and the husband is rather like this - he is gonna do whatever he wants in regards to his kids and she just has to suck it up. She won't leave him because she's very religious. As a married couple, they have a life at church that neither of them would enjoy if they were remained single. So I think that's the draw for them.

DH gave SS money at one point without consulting me, $500! I saw the withdrawal from the account and asked about it. He only ever did that ONCE! We had been going to replace the diamond that came out of my ring, I was happy enough to wait a while...up until that point. Guess who's got a sparkler! Ohh and it's worth more than $500 too...LOL

This is pathetic, he's made a rod for his own back, I wonder if she will be there for him in the future when he's old and infirm, or will she put him in a home, I would let them get on with it, you are right, it is crazy, but he obviously won't consider your point of view, at the end of the day, she is a product of his making, save your time and energy for something else, if he dos'nt respect your opinion then should you respect his?

As I read this I'm seething even more because SD is talking to DH on the phone. She calls him for EVERYTHING and rarely a day goes by that they don't talk on the phone. Fortunately, I'm not around for most of the conversations because I would go ballistic hearing the code talk and bits of their conversations.

Sorry to go off topic. I agree with others, the DH rarely changes when it comes to their daughters and mine is no exception. SD (38)knows that she has DH wrapped around her finger(s) and he will do everything to "save" her. You would cringe if I told you to what financial extent he has gone to for her. As I told someone before, I don't begrudge her DH's money because he made it before we married but she will never do anything for herself or become the woman she could because of his enabling guilt. I feel sorry for both of them and I try like crazy to stay disengaged from her, which is not the person who I typically am but have to be to survive.

It depends on the issue.

I can see how he would want to help his daughter - but if she is 45 years old and still can't take care of herself - something is very wrong there.

Is he taking time, money and emotional support away from you to give to her - leaving you without what he should be giving you as his wife?

His first priority should be YOU as his wife. If his daughter has NEEDS (not wants, and desires) he should be talking with you about it, and getting your input and agreement on how, when and if you should help her.

If she is a chronis "taker", boundaries need to be set. He is being a co-dependent enabler if he keeps rescuing her when she should be dealing with her own business herself. Yes, even if it causes her some discomfort, she needs to learn from those consequences. If he always rushes in and keeps her from learning these lessons, she will never stand on her two feet as an independent mature ADULT.

In a sense you can step aside but do it in a way that protects yourself from harm. You can't MAKE him change, but you can let him know through your disengaging that you will not be treated poorly, and with disrespect. If you mean so much to him, he might need a "reality check" by you setting boundaries with him. Hopefully, over time (and consistency with your boundaries) he will see that his poor behavior towards you has consequences. Maybe he needs to learn this just like his daughter does - that there are healthy mature ways to behave, and there are immature, inconsiderate ways to behave. Each has consequences - good and bad.

For more information on this I suggest you read: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. A very good book.

It would be fun to have a "Whack-A-Skid" game that you can put their faces on the heads, and when they pop-up, you can WHACK EM!

I could spend hours playing that game!