SO MANY QUESTIONS!
Okay, so before I start with questions, I guess I need to give a little history.
After about 3 months of dating my fiancee, I met his daughter. She is very quiet, submissive, and almost lacks social skills...or to some people that is. I tried everything to reach common ground with my SD but could barely get her to speak to words. I took her to get her hair done, I would try to spend one on one time with her, let her chose outfits when we went shopping, took her to the movies. The list goes on and on. My fiancee gets frustrated with ME, because he feels that I don't let her into my heart, but watches her ignore me when I try to have a discussion. My MIL is completley OBSESSED with the child, and SD knows it, and uses it to her advantage. Because she is so polite and quiet around others, people dont see it as rude when she embarrases me in front of other people and makes it look like I am not treating her good. The BM refuses to talk to my fiancee, has been like that for almost 2 years now, which I think puts a lot of stress on everyone because its extremley difficult to raise a child when A) my finacee only sees her every other weekend 
The BM doesnt tell him anything that goes on in his daughhters life. My SD is 8, so I feel like she is at the age now where she knows that she can manipulate me to get what she wants, which is frusterating because to everyone else BUT me she is perfect. My fiancee just wants me to love her, but I cant. Now we are about to have a baby and my MIL has shown no interest in her new grandchild, even though my fiancee and BM were never married, and were only together for a year. I just feel like an interruption in my fiancee's family sometimes. I am so afraid that my fiancee's overcompensation for his daughter, and how he cant be as involved as he would like to be will effect my son, and he wont get all the love and attention I feel he deserves. My fiancee loves me, I know this and is very excited about the baby, its just when his daughter comes around, I have to be put on the back burner. Am I selfish/crazy? I just dont know how we will ever be a well blended family?
HELP!!
You're playing into her
You're playing into her little games and manipulation because you're trying to hard to get her to like you. Let her know that you like her and you're there if she wants to listen but you're done taking her to get her hair done and buying her new outfits until she can be respectful. Think of it this way, when a little kid (18 months - 2 years) is trying to prove their independence they often refuse to hug people. People beg them, pretend to cry, whatever, the kid learns it is an effective way to keep people interested. If a kid doesn't want to hug me, talk to me, I just ignore them. They need to figure out that you are not there for their entertainment. When you see her. Say hello and go on with your day (go shopping, get your hair / nails done) without her. While it would be NICE to have her approval it isn't NECESSARY and the more you let her think that you NEED it the more she will withhold it because it gives her control. Do not drive yourself crazy trying to blend his family into yours. It is his responsibility to teach his child to cope and adapt and that includes insisting that she be nice to you. If he won't do that, then HE is causing the problem, not you.
My dh wanted very badly for me, him and SD to be a happy blended family. I tried and then I said you know what? NO. She is not my family. I don't like her behavior or how she treats me. I respect her and I am civil to her (she is only 5), but I have no interest in begging her to think of me as a friend. She is now suffering the consequences because dh is often not here and she is stuck with me and she is learning that ignoring me when dh is around means I ignore her when dh isn't around. And that sucks for a kid, but that isn't my problem. I take care of her basic needs, but I am not her personal entertainer. And if DH ignores you when SD is around, I'd teach him a lesson too. Sometimes dh spends his time with sd and then when she goes to brush her teeth and he has 5 minutes in between playing with her and helping her get ready for bed, he wants my undivided attention. Doesn't work that way. I am involved in reading, a show, ST, and I am not interrupting what is important to me at the moment because SD doesn't need your focus at the moment.
You do not have to love your sd. It is like asking someone to love a complete stranger (especially when you have her EOWE). You didn't fall in love with her you fell in love with her father. Don't stress about not loving her. All dh's want this but it is not realistic. I would have a heart to heart with him and say "I love you. I will always love you. I love the relationship YOU have with your daughter. I respect it and will support it, but the more you pressure me to love her, the more stressful the situation gets. The relationship will be what it will be. My hope is that someday I will love her, but it is too much to ask that I love her just because she is your daughter"
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
you are totally right. I
you are totally right. I just feel so bad because BM is trying so hard to break up my fiancee's relatonship with his daughter, I feel like he is looking to me to make it so nice for her when she is over, but honestly when she is with us i am MISERABLE. I feel so guilty. I mean what happens when My child is born, do i have to get family pictures with her too? I just don't see her as my family yet and i want to so badly for my fiancee. there has to be some way to bring us together. Do you think its possible the BM tells her not to get close to me because she hates my fiancee so much?
my fiancee would be so
my fiancee would be so pissed if i did that. he does not see her the way I do. I am just supposed to take whatever she wants to give and "keep trying" becuase "he knows it will pay off"
The only one it will "pay
The only one it will "pay off for" is his princess. He doesn't get to choose your feelings. I realize he will be pissed, but why does he get to be pissed and you don't? Why are his feelings the only ones being considered. Right now you are unhappy and he doesn't seem to care. He wants HIS life to be easy and he is making you responsible for making it easy. If you want your marriage to work and YOUR child to have a happy life you need to let him know now what you will and will not tolerate. Him pressuring you to take whatever she wants to give is not acceptable. She will look at this as I can be a bitch and tas will still bend over backwards because daddy will make her. If you do what FH wants he gets to absolve himself of his responsibility to make his child behave properly, the kid is happy because your both puppets and you get to be miserable. A good husband will allow for the fact that you can only give as much as you have especially when no effort is being made on the other end and don't let him use "she's just a kid". She is 8. When will she learn respect if not now?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Your FH should talk to an
Your FH should talk to an attorney who knows a lot about father's rights to see what he can do, and you should do some research on Parental Alienation Syndrome.
I don't think that your future in-laws are doing this to be mean to you on purpose. In their minds, they only see her every other weekend.
My DH went to this website: http://www.dadslawyer.com/ (among others) to get information that would help him get custody. I'm not saying you should fight for sole custody; however, that might be his only option if BM refuses to cooperate with him. Document everything she does and keep every email and text she sends. Write your emails/texts to her in a businesslike tone. That will really help you in court.
Maybe when his daughter comes over, he can have an hour or so of quality time with her. That way he gets quality time with her and you (and in the future, your baby) don't get put on the back burner.
Maybe your in-laws would consider taking BM to court for grandparent visitation. Even if they don't win, it might scare BM into letting them see SD more. Maybe they'll feel that when they can see SD and your baby on a more equal basis, they'll treat them equally.
I don't think they are doing
I don't think they are doing it on purpose either, it just sort of hurts honestly. My fiancee always treats BM with respect because he KNOWS she has all the power. I will deffinitly check out the website. I think that even my fiancee will understand more of what his daughter is really like if he saw her more, because when shes over now its like a special occasion every time.
I honestly wish I could just
I honestly wish I could just leave when she is over, but that means that I can't be with my fiancee either. I feel like it'd be letting her win. I do give them time to do things 1-1.I am very uncomfertable when she is around, especially because in front of me my fiancee just says stuff like, "I just want us all to be a family and to be happy" and he wants me to get all cuddled with them on the couch, but its so AKWARD. I know he wants me to love her so that we can just all co-exist together and what not. he does need me for a lot of emotional support. I am the one who cleans up after his daughter, I need to remind him of what goes on in her schedule...oh and the best part..he doesnt drive..so I play taxi! I am very much in charge of what goes on, because I watch her most of the weekend by myself due to his weird hours, and I do this just so he can come home and see her if only for an hour. I just wish I felt more appreciated
thank you, this was all very
thank you, this was all very helpful
Agreed goforit. From what it
Agreed goforit. From what it sounds like, her SD doesn't like the instant family approach either.
So you have a ton of the
So you have a ton of the responsibility and he is telling you how to feel? You're justifying it for him, just like he is justifying SD to you. You can't complain about the situation and then make excuses for why you can't fix it. You can fix it. In fact you have a lot of control over it because he depends on you. You need to set some ground rules. Frankly if SD ignored me, I wouldn't be driving her anywhere. She'd be kissing my ass if she wanted life to be fun with me and if I was baby-sitting, running her around, etc. And she is 8. You don't need to clean up after an 8 years old. She is plenty old enough to clean up after herself.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
tas333, I'm sure you know
tas333, I'm sure you know that blended family stuff takes time. Lots of it-And it can't be forced. Everyone needs to go at their natural pace that includes you, family, and SD. Future hubby can achieve the happy family scenario but, like anything that's good, it takes patience.
SD will likely open up over the years as she gets to know you then trust that you're not a threat. BM could be PASing her kid but its quite possible (and natural) for a skid to feel unloyal to their parent if she befriends the same sex step-parent. Over-time it'll subside, but be aware she may never be as close to you as her bio-parents. Please don't take it personal though. Once again, patience.
SDs BM isn't communicating--this is something that MUST change. Fiance can try to start communicating with her first and see if she reciprocates. Already done that?-- then he needs to resort to emails, or something in writing so its documented that he's doing his end. SD could be learning to be manipulative because her parents are using her as their messenger. That's a lot of power for a young kid--not to mention the pressure that goes with it. Fiance owes to his kid to bite the bullet and start making a REAL effort to communicate with BM.
Do they have joint-legal custody? They likely do but check. BMs refusal to keep your fiance up to date w/sd is a form of contempt. After all documentation he should drag her to a mediator then court if necessary.
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