So my dad is incredibly angry with SH... he, my mom, and I went to a pregnancy counseling session yesterday and it felt like an out of body experience. I was thinking about the facebook messages his mom and grandma left me of "everything happens for a reason xoxo." and became incredibly upset. I decided to respond with, that is just a reason for people to not feel guilty about their actions. When are people going to own up? Everyone has a choice of what's right and wrong... where does that fall into "everything happens for a reason and God has his plan??? Some people expect fairytale lives and that's not how life works; not even relationships" God had nothing to do with this. That was followed by a couple of friends who spoke truthfully that "it's a shame that another family is broken apart by a moronic baby because he is too selfish to deal with anything and if you haven't noticed this is becoming a cycle for him. Shame on his parents and enablers who failed to be a good guidance counselor to him." Another gf posted how relationships are not perfect and you don't bail out at the sign of problems. She said we had a good thing going and to just quit is heartbreaking... it takes two to make a relationship work but one for it to fall apart.
Oh goodness his mother didn't like that and neither did one of his friends. She told me that I needed to be straight about SH not abandoning me (I'm sorry... his actions and request for an annulment isn't abandonment???)... that she was present when he told me several times he would be there for the baby and me both financially and emotionally for support. She said she was appalled that I would put my personal issues on a public forum and she'd like to see what their lawyers would say if the defamation of her son continued. Ok mommy... just keep defending your son because this is totally not a cycle he is creating. Which btw, I never said anything slanderous about her son... and what my friends had to say was truth and sometimes the truth hurts. If anything, she put all our business out there. Either way I deleted teh status because I don't want to deal with that drama. I have enough to deal with.

Day goes on and I still can't keep any food or drink down. Bawling my eyes out. I'm surprised there's any water in my body left. I send him a few text messages regarding a key to our house that I need to get in there. He refuses to answer back so I finally call him and leave a message. He isn't even man enough to respond himself. I get a text message from his mom saying she's helping him with the house and to set up a time to meet me to give me my stuff (excuse me?!)... she said she'd hoped we could have been amicable but by the fb status, I choose to be bitter, hateful, and vindicitive instead (I'm sorry... who's the one who had the locks changed on the house and I'M vindictive???)... she said she had hoped to still have me around and eventually the baby because they all like me. If you change your mind please let us know because we all care about you whether you are married to SH or not. in fact, he is shocked and saddened that it appears you two can't be friends (he treated me like crap, ends our marriage, changes the locks, and won't answer the phone... SHOCKING!!!). Go ahead and disconnect his phone whenever you want.

I refuse to be talking to his mom about these matters. This is between me and SH. And I text him that. I also remind him that we are still married and the place of residence is still mine as well. It upsets me that he thinks things can just go into friendship after all this. It hurts. It hurts feeling like me and the baby weren't worth fighting for, like he tried over and over with his ex. It hurts that he won't give me the time of day to respond. When I tried calling, he plain out shut the phone off. So now I have no way to reach him at all which will obviously be necessary.

My mom decided to call her up and left her a message that we all needed to come together and have a plan because this is about the baby now and hopes that we can all get along for the baby's sake.

She texted my mom back late that evening that she agrees... she was very tired but will call back the following day (today).

Last night I went to the hospital since my midwife had told me to if I couldn't get hydration for over 24 hours. I was dizzy, couldn't see right... I've lost 4 lbs in a few days. Overall pregnancy I've lost 13 lbs. I went because I'm scared for my baby and I had to do something to keep hydrated. I hate the hospital but it wasn't for me. My mom came with me and I recieved a little bit of TLC. Got back in around 1am. And it's back to reality.

I feel emotionally shot and as if my heart was ripped right out of my chest and shred to pieces. My head throbs from all the stress and thinking. I wish I can just fall right into the earth and disappear into the mud. I can't find motivation to do anything... but today, I force ate a bowl of cereal and I suppose that's a step closer. I sat there staring at the bowl for a minute thinking I had been a bit over confident in the amount I poured to eat. But one spoon at a time is what I kept telling myself until I almost finished it. I felt nauseous eating it but determined that the baby needed the food. I cannot go 3 days without eating.

I go back to lay down and still the tears stream out of my eyes. How am I going to do this without a partner? I would be so excited at the start of a new week announcing to him what size fruit the baby is this time and what baby could do now. I looked at that silly app reminder on my phone and lost it even more. We were good friends... I contemplated that if we could be friends again... would it hurt less??? NOPE. I can't do it. But I don't want to fight... I don't have it in me. I don't want to ruin his life. And I don't know what to do with myself. How to deal with myself. I have a hard time eating much less look into school. I think about his offer to be there for financial and emotional support and wonder wth he means by emotional support when I feel like he has treated me like dirt and left.
I think about his call acknowledging he hated how our marriage was and that he has been treating me the way he has. That we haven't been loving to one another. And he NEVER wanted to treat his wife in this way. We just seem to always bump heads... saying if I'm not upset about one thing this week, it's something else. Me responding with his being unreasonable to compromise and always want it his way. And he agreeing that I'm probably right but that it doesn't take away from the fact that we are not good as a couple. He says we are missing respect and he isn't in love with me the way he wants to be and the passion is just not there...
No it's not. We've been having probems... I'm pregnant and been sick. Passion with 2 young children can be difficult. And I'm upset that acknowledging these things, he gives up before marriage counseling. I stick my ground and stay here but it brings no solace.