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Hello everyone. I am a new member here and I have never done this before so please forgive me if I mess up a bit. I found this site a few weeks ago when looking for some stepmom advise and I have been reading your stories and learning a lot from them. I am so glad to hear REAL stepmom tales and not the "everything is perfect now and couldn't be better, everyone can have a perfect life like mine...you're just not doing enough" kind of stuff I kept running into. I am 33 years old and I just became the stepmom to a 12 year old who was neglected and abused by her Mother. My husband was never married to her but kept a semi-decent relationship with her to keep his daughter about half of the time (summer vacations, holidays some weekends). I have been in her life for 3 years and married to her father for 1 year. I noticed she had quirks as soon as I met her but soon discovered there was reason to believe she was bing abused. My husband suspected her Mother to be an alcoholic and drug abuser and that she was beating my stepdaughter. Loooong story short...we were right and now have full custody. My stepdaughter has suffered as aresult and is in therapy. She was kept out of school so much that she is behind in her education and also emotionally stunted. Her therapist says she is at best 9 years old but most days she's 4. I came here hoping someone else might have a stepchild with this kind of background. I am blindly going forward the best I acn and was looking for some support and maybe a few friends. Thank you for listening.
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Well, this BM does plenty of
Well, this BM does plenty of that too! Thank you for being here
I have a sd who's mother
I have a sd who's mother lost custody of her for severe neglect. She is now only allowed supervised visitation even through she has not seen her daughter since 2006. Just like you sd mine is also delayed and has a difficult time showing proper emotions. The major difference between the two stories is the ages of the children. My sd just turned six. When I met her back in 07 she could barely speak. She used a lot of "jargon". After 3 years of a good stable environment, a lot of love, additional assistance from school, and a great therapist she is showing a lot of improvement. I wish you the best with your sd. She is a lot older and the events that happened will shape her life but with your and your husbands love hopefully the negetivity that has surrounded her will wear down and the events will strengthen her and help her to become a stronger more caring and loving person. I am sure it's a long road ahead for you and your family and I will pray for your strength and those of the ones you love.
My SD used to speek only in
My SD used to speek only in baby talk...I'm happy to say we are making progress in that area. The judge awarded BM 3 supervised visits a year. The first one was supervised by a counselor and pushed SD back MONTHS of progress. Just 1 hour with BM took away a huge chunk of the self esteem we worked so hard to build. SD also started to wet the bed again and the nightmares returned. Now we have to allow 1 phone call a week. Any suggestions on how to supervise a phone call without looking like the bad guy? Thank you so much for your support
Hey, welcome! You have my
Hey, welcome! You have my avatar! It's mine, I had it first!
LOL, well great minds think alike, I guess.
Welcome to the site!!
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
Step1, Welcome. I hope you
Step1,
Welcome. I hope you find this community to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspectives from the experiences of others navigating the blended family adventure.
Wow, you have a difficult and sad situation to deal with regarding your SD-12.
My SS-17 has struggled with maturity issues for years. The SpermClan has certainly been neglectful during visitations but it has not escalated to the level of abuse IMHO. When he was 2-4yo they used to put him an a diaper and not change it all day. We would send him to them for visitation 80% toilet trained in training pants and they would send him home in diapers with butt rash so bad his anus was so raw it would bleed and he had puss filled welts on his butt. He would wail when I would clean him up after a visitation.
We would take him to a Doc to document it, take pictures of his bleeding/puss infected butt then drop those on the judges bench when they would attempt to drop CS. The judge used to rip them a new asshole but never stopped visitation. How a person who is apparently highly educated and wise can look at those pictures, watch the video of a child wailing while having his butt cleaned then proceed to say "though there are some hygiene issues when he is on visitation, any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this family" is beyond me.
After that statement I came to the conclusion that family law judges are idiots in goofy looking black robes and have to come from the bottom 10% of the legal field. Nothing else could possibly explain what I have witnessed with family court morons.
SS's maturity issues have caused problems in his life. He has always tested several grades above in academic testing but tends to be 3-5 years behind in maturity. The SpermClan reinforces cutesy behavior when he is with them and expect him to act down to the level of his three younger out-of-wedlock half sibs. (Girl - 12, Boy-8, Boy-6). We expect him to act his age and perform to his abilities. This 180degree different in perspective between what we expect when he is at home and what THEY expect when he is on visitation has him in a constant state of flux.
He still struggles with this and is about to graduate from HS. Life is about to take a big old dump right on top of his head. He blew his college opportunity on our dime. At least until he makes a commitment to himself and shows us he can act his age and perform to his abilities. Marine Corps boot camp is in his very near future. Once he finishes a successful enlistment his mom and I will consider returning him to the family resource fold and helping him with school.
Hang in there and good luck.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
so true about family law
so true about family law judges...my husband and I battled across three states by the time all was said and done and found it to be true everywhere we turned. We were sooo lucky to get a no nonsense mother for a judge the last time we were in court. I understand about the cutesy behavior, we try our best to help her see it for herself. She is beginning to catch herself and she gets red in the face and corrects her behavior but my husband's family think it's cute! They want her to stay a 6 year old babydoll.
I feel your struggle....good luck! It's hard to watch life kick them when they are already down.
Welcome. It is going to be a
Welcome. It is going to be a tough road but I am sure she is worth it. I am so glad that you're DH now has FC. I hope the BM does not have any visitation that could back track any effort that you are putting into SD....
I am not in this situation, not even close nor do I have any experience with abused children, but I hope some people here can help.
The best advice I could give you is to treat the child as if she were your own--even if she pulls away at first.
Good luck to you.
we are dealing with a lot of
we are dealing with a lot of the back tracking now..we are trying to see if we can modify the visitation order due the stress and trauma it is causing; bed wetting, screaming nightmares.. we'll see. I am doing my best and my husband is wonderful!