Third person perspective needed
I have a long difficult history with SDs, HCBM and toxic MIL - see previous posts for a flavour of the mayhem! SDs have not been allowed into my home for last 2 years as their behaviour has been atrocious - mainly SD24. SD24 stayed with us Summer 2021 and brought covid into the home - ruining everyones holiday as we were all put into lockdown and not able to leave the house for 10 days. She has never acknowledged her mistake or apologized to me. She grovelled to DH repeatedly - he is the ATM afterall. But, insisted I was not owed an apology.
She finally left after 10 days of lockdown, the room she was in she cleaned fully before leaving. When i looked through the room afterwards - one of my expensive belts was missing. I told DH immediately. We searched all rooms and it could not be found anywhere. DH asked SD24 and she said she had no clue.
Last year, as part of building work, I cleared out a smaller chest of drawers, decluttered and placed certain items into it and put it into the same room that SD24 had stayed in. Today (9 months later) I have cleared that room as a friend is coming to stay for the weekend. I found the belt in a strange ziplock bag that I have never seen before in the drawer I had previously cleaned and decluttered.
I asked DH - had SD24 returned belt to him? He said no, and that he knows nothing about a belt - he said it was probably there all along and I hadnt looked properly. I explained that the drawer was not previously even in that room, a drawer I had fully emptied and decluttered last year. And the belt was in a strange bag which I have never seen before. We have ziplock bags in the house - but this size and brand I have never seen before.
Anyway, to cut a long story short - I am crazy and hes's too busy with work and I should stop making false accusations about poor SD24.
I feel like trust is a major issue in our relationship. He is not currently willing to go to couples counselling.
Advice from an objective person would be appreciated - Am I being paranoid or did he put it back and is trying to make SD24 not look too bad in front of me as I have a very poor opinion of her
I feel as if i'm being gaslighted
When was the last time DH had
When was the last time DH had contact with SD? Would he hide that fact from you?
He met with her 3 weeks ago -
He met with her 3 weeks ago - it was her bday - at MILs home. Initially, i was supossed to be going as well - but then SD24 had an 'anxiety attack' at the thought of me being there so DH was told by MIL that I wasn't welcome. He visited for an hour and apparently said either we both attend family functions or neither of us will attend. He has also seen her last month as well for an evenig dinner.
I say trust your gut. With
I say trust your gut. With the drama from SD , blocking you from seeing her, DH probably wants to avoid any drama with you over it so he hid it and denied it. Does he have a habit of avoiding difficult conversations? Has this happened before , the gaslighting?
He has always been very
He has always been very avoidant of difficult conversations. He was brought up in household where people would habitually lie about big things and then minimise eg. at age 7 he was told his father is not his biological father and since then there has been no discussion on this as its 'off limits' so everyone carrys on as if they dont know. Yet, everyone knows. Its strange to me as someone whos outside looking in. He has lied before, and has been caught out on it - then months or years later will admit it. Some of the lies have been trivial small things and dont even make sense. Others have been huge and caused significant problems.
This is why i felt so strongly that he had put the belt back himself because this fits with an old pattern of behaviour. But he keepd telling me I must have made a mistake or didnt check properly - and i know this is not the case. But i start doubting myself and i really end up feeling unsure of everything i do and its gettung me down
Classic gaslighting
Take care of you.
this is also my gut feeling
this is also my gut feeling
I read your last post from a
I read your last post from a year ago. You mentioned adoption, did that happen? Is that causing any of this conflict with SD? DH's dysfunction runs deep, his refusal to tackle it makes this harder than it needs to be. It doesn't sound like things have gotten any better.
We had a meeting last year
We had a meeting last year for adoption - we needed to complete some building work (should finish next month) before we can proceed with the next part because the social services didnt want there to be major disruptions during the process. Not sure if this is part of the problem - he has told both SD last year, SD24 was not interested and SD21 wanted to be part of it
To your first point about not
To your first point about not being allowed over because they brought Covid... I spread covid, probably 2x. I didn't do it on purpose, but I am an "essential worker" and contracted it, blew it off as allergies for a day or 2 and then realized it was more. Is there a chance that they did the same? Or did they literally test positive and come over anyway? Could they have just been ignorant of what was happening? Also, many times a child/Adult child apologizing to the parent is all that will ever happen. I wouldn't get in my feelings over this point, personally.
As for the bag, that is suspicious. He probably is covering for SD. He is being put in a place where he has to choose between his daughter and his wife and that isn't fair to him. I suggest encouraging him to have a relationship with her outside of your home. Go to a monthly brunch with her, something where they can have a relationship but you can stay out of it. It will cut out the sneaking and you are supporting him, which is what he is looking for.
We both work in a hospital
We both work in a hospital too! They were told very clearly what to do /not do etc. Of course, lots of people would have spread it without knowing they even have it. My issue is we were very clear and she went clubbing the night before coming to your house when we had previously told her this is high risk AND didn't tell us where she had been - then once she was at our home, she started sneezing and immediately tested positive. Also, both DH and I had to cancel lots of urgent operations for children and adults with cancer - so she knew the repercussions would be significant. She is selfish and to this day has not demonstrated any remorse for other people who have been impacted. This is my real issue with her that she is callous and quite often openly cruel - especially to DH.
I dont expect any apology from her - even if she said something now - i know its not genuine so it doesnt really count for anything. Deep down, i'm done with her.
DH was having some lunch/dinners with her over the last few months - which was totally fine by me. But then she invited everyone to her birthday and then with 1 days notice decided she doesn't want me there when I had cancelled plans etc. DH went and had his one hour with her and told the whole family its either both of us or none of us. He has a major problem with wanting to play happy families as he never had one growing up and he does tend to force people into that role.
DH the Gaslighter/manipulator
How humiliating and disgusting of your DH to do that to you.
Is he with you or SD? Make up your mind DH cause nothing ends well in a threesome. My ex DH gaslighted me all the dang time. It is abuse hun.
Trust your gut.
Be glad you arent invited to DH's toxic family events. You are far better than this kind lady.
You know what you know. Your
You know what you know. Your DH is likely lying. Ignore his gas lighting and keep your boundaries firm. He may be weak in some respects but at least he put his family on notice that you are a package deal.
How long exactly have these issues
How long exactly have these issues been going on with your SDs and mother-in-law? You do know this is unhealthy don't you? Why did your DH marry you if his loyalty is divided among you, his daughters, and his mother?
He won't go to counseling but wants you to keep tolerating disrespect from his daughters and mother? You mentioned something about adopting. Do you really want to bring an innocent child into this mess? To be honest, I wouldn't even bring a pet into a toxic home.
Your husband doesn't make you a priority. If he did, he would have cleaned this mess up with his mother and daughters prior to starting a relationship with you. A man that truly loves and respects you will protect you, mentally, and physically. Your husband has failed at this. If you don't require something better from him then unfortunately you will continue down this long road of heartache. You only get one life. Time wasted on another's baggage is time gone forever.