Just venting - but also very worried
As the title says - just venting because my SD situation, despite full disengagement on my part, is still somehow toxic as hell
DH has tried to rebuild relationship with SD25 over last half of the year. He is been meeting her for dinner once per month and I ahve supported him as this is important to him. She has been brainwashed by enmeshed HCBM for decades and has done enough shit to be the star on a daytime talkshow
She decided she wanted a birthday get together with the family at the grandparrents house. DH was happy that progress was being made and had brought an excessive amount of food and gifts as per her request
On the monring of the day, she rang him as we were stepping out of the door to drive over, to tell him she only wants him there. And that i should be excluded and she didnt know that i would be there as it was "family only'. etc He said that it's either both of us, none of us and cancelled. She then turned on the water works. He is devasted that she has pulled the wool over his eyes again - it was so clear to me what she was doing - i don't really undertsand how any sane adult could miss it
Breadcrumbing him until the morning of, and then pull the rug from under his feet and enjoy the fall. It's a repeated pattern that happened previously with Grandad's birthday, Christmas etc And something that she has learnt directly from HCBM and toxic MIL
As she is 25, legally the maintenance payments stopped at age 21 but DH is continuing to pay her over £1000 a month despite these behaviours becuase "poor thing' 'bio dad guilt' etc
My issue is that we both have well paying jobs and some of this sits in a trust fund in both our names - this is the money he's using to pay this bitch while she repeatedly kicks him in the gut. I have had enough - I have asked him to see a therapist to help him enforce his boudaries or I will see a divorce solicitor
Any suggestions from anyone on what else I can do to get him to open his eyes? Sadly, DH comes from a very dysfunctional family and abuse in childhood which they are aware of - and which is why they can so easily emotionally manipulate him. I am so angry that i'm seeing red - My immediate instinct is to protect him from people who are intentionally hurting him - but DH is the biggest barrier as he grew up tolerating abuse and there is a part of him that accept this as he 'feels there's something worng with me and i deserve it'
Also, a male neighbour died by suicide this week and I do feel worried - when we discussed it DH is saying he competely understands why he did it when there is nothing but pain from 'family' and that might have been that man's best option
I think as you say, DH needs
I think as you say, DH needs a therapist's help in understanding why he tolerates abuse, is unable to set boundaries and tries to buy people. I think you are justfified in giving an ultimatum about this. My DH has been having therapy for 2 yrs and his boundaries with the SDs (aged 27 and 29) have become a lot better.
thank you - I think therapy
thank you - I think therapy is the only solution for him. Unfortunatrly he seems to have a huge barrier to asking for help.
I feel an ultimatum is extreme but i dont think I have any other option
What happened
with the birthday party? Did she win?
i think SD will chalk this up
i think SD will chalk this up as a 'win' in her twisted mind. Grandma rang DH very upset in the evening - she is close to 80th birthday and is seeing priorities of life differently as Grandad has Parkinson's disease etc. SD doesnt care what impact her selfish behaviour has on others.
DH brother and family also attended - he contacted DH to say im sorry it's like this and that is was strange for everyone there and they will meet in the week to support
Unfortunately, this is la ongstanding learnt family dynamic - so not ONE family member has said it's unacceptable to her face and laid down a boundary i.e. walked away from the situation. Hence, she carries on with her abusive manipulation - as taught by HCBM - for the last 2 decades
There is no winning
SD wants to control life, hers and yours. I would not be paying her $1000 a month to be treated this way. Think you have your hill to died on now. SD gets cut off. For now. Total disengagement with SD until she changed. No more daddy and SD dinners ., DH must see someone mentally. Taking this type of abuse is not normal. It's like watching cartoon.
This is what I am constantly
This is what I am constantly reinforcing to DH - but it doesnt get through to him. He seems to believe deep down that he should be punished for his divorce - even though HCBM had an affair and told him at 5 months pregnancy that she is uncertain who the father is and by doing so created unreparable rift.
The HCBM family are deeply religious and fundamental - very black and white thinking - with a vengeful/retribution-type streak. Hence, the behaviours we are seeing. The strangest thing of all - is that SD25 is studying to be a psychologist working with young children - but has no insight into herself and that she is projecting!!!! She also clearly uses what she learns to manipulate and control those around her - she makes very poor choices and lacks judgement - not the safest person to be working with children.
We have the same HCBM family
We have the same HCBM family minus the pregnancy--the affair, the fanatical religion with evil nasty behavior sprinkled on top, and the biggest joke of all: SD is a counselor. . . the last damn person who should be "helping" others.
There must be a factory somewhere. . . .
Therapy, yes. That helped us
Therapy, yes. That helped us and my DH, although I don't think he'll ever fully be "cured" of his delusions. Our situation is bearable. We do not have combined accounts and, while he is a sucker for the Pwecious Pwincess cash grabs, he has his own self imposed limits when it comes to the manipulative ingrate.
In addition to therapy, other family members' input as well as some input from a couple of his guy friends helped a lot. Your DH just has to be willing to talk to others about the situation. Unfortunately, a lot of these guys don't take action until they realize the woman is about to walk. Everyone told my DH several years ago (paraphrasing), "Your kids are going to have their own lives. You are going to lose yours for/because of them and what are you ending up with?" Doh!
Stop the money train
If your husband wants to continue financing this twisted pile of sludge, thats really on him. He needs to REALLY understand that you are completely and 100000000000 percent serious about this. Do not financially contribute to this trust, or if he takes out 1,000, he must put back in that 1,000 from his own funds.
Just be factual and non emotional. Present the "evidence" of her bad behavior over time, be specific. Repeat as necessary. If he wont go to therapy you need to draw some lines in the sand for him. And be strong.
My First Comment on StepTalk
Hi there, BlindSide!
I just joined this forum because of a similar issue.
I am a new stepmother (I'm not sure what all the abbreviations are yet), and my adult SD (I don't want to include too many details for fear of her identifying me) says that she would prefer that I not go to family gatherings, Christmas morning, Thanksgiving Dinner, and the like. And so I've found myself alone on such occasions, although my husband's mom told him to confront the SD and tell her that this behavior is not appropriate. I love my husband very much, but this is tearing me apart. We have only been married for a few months, but I'm going to ask him to go to marriage counseling with me over this.
I don't know what the answers are here. I am vexed in part because, on some level, she would love to undo this marriage, and her insistence that I not go to family gatherings is tearing me apart beyond her wildest dreams. She told her father that she feels like her father chose me over her, though I had nothing to do with her parents' separation and was not on the scene until long after that.
I feel like I am always going to be on the periphery of this family. I don't have much of a family of my own, and would so glad just go to Thanksgiving with this one. I feel like she hasn't even given me a chance. I feel like she wants to destroy this marriage and may have just managed to crack the foundation. Help. I don't want to be so manipulated by her. I don't want to feel so alone every time there's a family gathering and I'm asked to stay home (though I love just about everyone in his family and want to see them, too).
I don't know what to do here. I don't want to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every big family event alone for the rest of my life. I love my husband very much, but it is tearing me apart that he just goes along with this.
X.
I think you should tell your
I think you should tell your husband how disappointed you are in him and also that, in future, you WILL be going to all of his family's events. If his daughter doesn't like that, well, nobody is forcing her to go. She is stopping you from taking your rightful place in his family. Refuse to be treated like a dirty little secret - it's demeaning.
Some abbreviations found here
Some abbreviations found here: https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2
Welcome to Steptalk!
Perhaps you could start your own blog/blog post, and we can all chime in with advice and support, plus its easier to track when its attached to your own account, vs a comment on someone elses.
OP (original poster), I super hope that you are taking care of yourself financially, because Daddy cakes is more intent on taking care of his ungrateful spawn emotional terrorist at this point.
So, he has a history of
So, he has a history of leaving you alone on holidays because of what his precious demands? Honestly, I think this is outrageous. It is beyond the pale that he has indicated to you that this will continue now that you're married. You two are the married couple.
Id start planning OUR Thanksgiving and Christmas now and, honestly, I'd pack up and leave if my husband left me home alone on either of those holidays. I will be blunt: You say you love him. Does he love you?
(I am very angry for you)
Also I would start funding a retirement account
For you. So if something happens to DH you will be taken care of. SD is his child and guest he feels that some of his money should go to SD. Have you decided where your money is going. The state isn't a good place,