Advice needed please
This forum has been so helpful to me over the years - I'm having an awful time and need some sensible third-person perspectives please!
For the last 2-3 years I have been NC with SD25 and SD22 except for an ill-thought out xmas dinner last year at a local restaurant. During this 'festive' meal, I heard both SDs bringing up things from DH past and smirking at each other. They are knowingly cruel. The only positive that i could take from it was that Toxic MIL spoke up in DH defense (I have never heard of such behaviour or witnessed that in over adecade of knowing her). MIL is usually the first to stir the pot. So, very unusual - i also spoke up and made SDs squirm, DH looked traumatized and said nothing. He still refuses to attend therapy to address decades of emotional from his 'family'. I have spoken to him many times about the 'fawning' trauma response and shown him some literature but he doesn't seem to engage with it and is apparently 'fine' with people abusing him.
More recently, he has been trying to re-connect with both SDs. So, this means he meets them individually for dinner or occasionally both of them at MILs for dinner. They have been complaining that they don't get to see much of him - it's strange when you're abusive to somebody's wife they don't want to see much of you!!! They also hear about our holidays abroad - we used to take them with us (free) - that has now stopped completely. I don't want to spend what little free time I have with toxic SDs. I have noticed that when he comes back from dinner with SD25 in particular that his personality has completely changed - she is v manipulative and a first class guilt-tripper. He has a nasty edge to him and paints her either as the 'victim' of life or a 'hero' for simply doing her job. Also, with SD22 he has no emotional boundaries, and is on the verge of tears and driving hours to meet her to help with exam revision when she's stressed out - she's 22 YEARS OLD!!!! Is this normal father behaviour??? I have said that he needs to allow them space and time to build some resilience and independance but i think he is driven by guilt. His family dynamics growing up revolved around shame.
The issue that im having is that we both have very busy full-time jobs. He normally stresses how busy he is etc and doesnt have any time to plan anything else, which I fully understand. Then he suddenly announces he's meeting SD25 for dinner the following week, when apparently he had no time. He has done the same last week, this time he suggested he needs to meet SD22 on 1 of 2 nights this week. One of the days is very difficult for me - anniversary of my Dad after death mnay yearas ago - it's always a hard day and he knows this. And he suggested this as a night that he goes to meet her. I was very upset that he would even suggest this as an option. He replied that i should have told him - I've been telling him for 2-3 weeks and I don;t feel like he's actually listening to anything i've said.
Does anyone have any ideas of how to deal with this situation? DH tells me he feels stuck between a rock and hard place - we shave struggled alot int he past as he is not the best communicator. I'm fed up feeling second best - even when i've tried to go NC they still seem to have a toxic impact on my life through my DH.
What can i do? I've suggested therapy repeatedly but he's not interested. I have individual therapy for last 3 years which is very helpful for me - i'm still contunuing.
I'm now getting to a point, after 20 years, that i'm starting to really doubt if this is the right partnership for me. People with similar situations - what did you do? Did you eventually wish you had left earlier? I've done everyhting I can do - he doesn't seem strong enough do his part and stand up to SDs, particularly SD25 who has him wrapped round her little finger. We have been discussing adoption over last 1-2 years but i don't want to bring a child into this
I'm stuck - I don't know where to turn
Stay disengaged
If they are abusive to you I would remain disengaged. I am married to a husband who also operated under guilt.
I think you need to keep the focus on your relationship. Tell him that you want and need him with you on the anniversary. Plain and simple. He change meeting his kids. It sounds like you don't interfere in him having a relationship with his kids. Great. But he needs to know that you come first and that date in not negotiable.
A long time ago, I likened
A long time ago, I likened this sort of DH behavior to being brainwashed, as if he was part of a cult. The skids are still very much in a cult--the mommy-cult--and we've admitted they always will be. It is bizarre. As I've said in here before (probably ad nauseum), had my DH not participated in counseling and escaped the fog and/or had the skids lived closer to us, our marriage would not have survived.
The marriage comes first. Period. That's the rule. Any therapist worth their degree will tell anyone that. It's ludicrous for grown people to put (especially) grown kids ahead of the spouse. Maybe it would be helpful to remind your DH what a therapist reminded my DH of: His kids would move on with their lives (or already had), everyday lives that do not include him on an everyday basis (and, really, should not...it's called launching), yet they seemed to want him for themselves, for him to be alone and possessed by them, which meant holding him at a distance but at their beck and call (BM wanted this for herself, too). Is that love? hmm. Ultimately, DH was reminded, he'd end up alone while his crappy kids lived their lives, pleased that he remained a puppet.
Also, when skids disrespect the step-parent, they are disrespecting their parent. That boundary/rule needs to be a line in the sand. Of course, the parent first needs to admit what is right in front of their face.
^^^Absolutely this.
Ditto
Ditto
Ditto
My thoughts in no particular
My thoughts in no particular order.
1. He needs to change the date of his dinner to avoid the day you want him to be with you.
2. When he comes home snappy and out of sorts from a visit. Call him on it. "Hey, I'm sorry if you didn't have a great visit with your kid, but I'm not going to have you come home and punish me for some unknown sin... If you need alone time, let me know.. but otherwise, you need to adjust your attitude with me, because I don't appreciate being punished for something I had no part in".
3. Next time he goes into beck and call mode.. (for an exam.. or some other issue that they should be dealing with on their own".. tell him.. "You know.. you are always talking about how you never have any time.. and now.. SD is calling you to deal with something they should be doing for themselves.. and you suddenly have all the time in the world. " I mean.. I get it.. if they were stuck on the side of the road.. I could def see my DH going to help them.. or if their pipes were leaking.. etc.. because he would drop everything to help me too... but for something like a school project/exam.. that they are supposed to be doing independently anyway? he needs to be reminded to not complain to you when he has no time.. when he finds time for things he thinks are important.
4. My personal opinion would be if he sees his daughters a couple times a month.. that's probably not the end of the world.. but I would make sure he is spending some quality fun time with me too.. you are not allergic to restaurants..haha. My SO calls his daughters almost daily (as well as his dad.. my dad.. friends.. he is def a communicator".. I, on the other hand, am happy to not do all that communication.. so the fact that he keeps in touch daily with my 94 year old dad is great for me.. I get to be in touch vicariously..lol. So.. I'm ok with contact.. and he has to have his own boundaries with his kids.. and they may not be what you would prefer for him.. but they are his babies.. always will be.. and it's not likely to change that he wants to have a connection.. even if they aren't the "best" kids in the world.
5. Finally.. YOU matter.. and you should feel your relationship matters to your DH. I think it's possible for people to have relationships that don't overlap in their life.. he can love you.. and his kids.. and they don't have to like you.. he should not force you to suffer their abuses.. but seeing them without you should be an option. Many people love relatives that they may not necessarily like as people all the time.. but love all the same.
You must come first
He must do what you want because you are the wife. The queen of the family. Next time he comes home after a visit with DD's in a bad mood. You must call him out on it. Telling him to keep his dismay it to himself. You are not going to be his wipping girl.
I would keep disengaging from SD. They don't like you, why do you want to be with a person or persons who don't like you. ? Your DH can't keep everyone happy, it's going to be bad for him. He has to pick sides. He must be known that there will be no happy family
He needs to check his
He needs to check his attitude at the door when he returns from a visit with one of his toxic skids. Taking it out on you is total BS. If he's bad with dates (my DH is), it goes on the kitchen calendar by the coffeemaker and gets highlighted.
Others made great points. {{{hugs}}}
Time to put your foot up his
Time to put your foot up his ass since subtle hints or even not so subtle hints are completely lost on him.
"No, I have told you repeatedly that that is the anniversary of my father's death and you WILL be with me on that date. If you choose to sniff the ass of your toxic daughter rather than being supportive of your wife, you will find that you key does not fit the door upon your return."
Then call the locksmith right in front of him.
I agree with all above
I agree with all of the opinions above.
Rags said it correctly, as usual.
Im going to hesitate to guess, toxic SD knows big daddio has guilt and is bad with remembering dates. Is she aware of the date of your daddios passing? If she did, Ill bet the farm she purposely picked that date knowing full well big daddy will jump. That is NOT excusing your DH at all, just curious if thats how things went down. These guilty daddios and their f*cked up entitled daughters only cause heart ache to the SM.
Blessings hun
Thank you everyone
I find this forum so supportive - thank you so much everyone!
I booked another counselling session and had a 2.5 hour chat with DH afterwards.
He acknowledges the manipulation from SD and even pointed out texts she sent to him that he felt were done purposely to ruin our holiday by creating drama. Talking to him calmly as per counselling suggestion worked well and trying to find ways we can approach things together seems to have helped
We also spoke about his biological father abandoning him when he was a newborn, then mother emotionally abandoning him when he was SA as a young child. And how he realises he overcompensates with SDs even when he knows they are proabbly lying to him becasue he never wants to be a person who abandons a child becasue that is what happened to him. However, he know his boundaries are not solid enough and he's going to work on it.
Onwards - we are all but a work in progress!