What it has taken to open DHs eyes
Quick summary - extremely toxic SD25 and HCBM - pls read my previous blogs if you need a slap in the face to wake you up today!
DH has finally accepted that therapy is necessary and that he needs to set hard boundaries with SD25. However, It took a very painful near-nuclear event to open his eyes.
DH and I drove to shops to buy food for grandparents. On opening the boot of the car, i found a red shopping bag - i opened it and found a packet of condoms. I was silent but said to DH to cancel with grandparents and we need to drive straight home without causing a commotion in the car park.
I asked him once in the car - one chance only - to tell me the truth. He swore the bag was not his. I was very clear, if i ever find out he has lied i will divorce him on the spot and there will be no discussion. He was panicked but insisted he didnt know anything about the bag and that he had been working long hours and there was lots of rubbish in the back of the car and he doesnt even remember seeing the bag before.
When we got home - he was so panicked that he had chest pain. We calmly tried to go through the diary and see who had access to his car. A 60 year old car mechanic and a car valeting service. And then the penny dropped - he had met SD25 once after her birthday party drama. I had looked through his mobile at all social media accounts nad messages, whatsapp etc but didnt find anything. But when i checked texts from SD25 - on the morning before he met her, she had texted to confirm he would be there, timing etc. And he left her alone with his car open for 5 minutes while he dropped off things for grandma. Sd25 had her car parked right next to his - with the boot open - he saw that i didnt think anything of it at the time
So, she planned this to try and cause a rift between us because he set a boundary with her behaviour at the birthday event. We then took a closer look at the bag - it was old and had been stabbed through the middle with a sharp object - there was a very clean cut, possibly made with a sharp knife. We inspected the condom packet more closely - all contents intact and way past the expiry date. There was a LOT number - i googled this - the packet was on the shop shelf in 2018. So, she either had this planned for when she might need it in the future or she had bought an expired packet and claim it was a 'prank' if we challenged her (FYI - Durex provide alot of online information about condom packets and shelf life!)
When DH realised that she was the only person who had access to his car and the motive - that this was planned due to the timing of the text messages - he was in tears. It hit home that she meant to cause him harm. and that the incidents over the years, were he didnt want to believe that she purposely hurt me/him/others, and kept giving her the benefit of the doubt - he was wrong on each count
He has agreed to therapy and has his first appointment next week. Now every evening he tells me about any type of contact from either SDs. He has offered to screenshot any type of conatct from SD25 (I said this is not necessary) and is discussing all contact very openly.
If Durex had not provided so much info online about the expiration/shelf life of packets, we would now be speaking only through our legal teams - no doubt this is exactly what she wanted.
Sometimes you need a forest fire to clear the way and really start again x
I'd let her know that I know.
I'd let her know that I know. This is for your dh to say:
"I thought I should tell you that you forgot a red bag in the boot of my car the day I delivered groceries to grandma"
"What? It's not mine. You must be mistaken "
"Well, it has your fingerprints/dna on it so come and collect it ASAP"
Leave her to sweat about how you could analyse fingerprints or dna.
This would be a huge problem
For me because I would still in the back of my mind not be entirely sure it was not my H. I've been cheated on in the past and it blew my mind then. Not by my current H.
That said, steps do like to set up scenes like this. I've been on the receiving end too. Right before our marriage I found an old letter from H to his ex begging her to come back and it was pretty sickening. Where was the letter? In the upstairs bathroom folded up in a cup. Obviously placed by someone right? Who had the letter but ex wifey and his Daughters had been in the house then.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. In some ways being single beats being a step once you are older. No drama Rama.
"hey Satan's Terrible
"hey Satan's Terrible Daughter (STD) either you or your grandma left a bag of skanky old comdoms in your Dad's car. Just to give you head's up, those nasty things expired so you shouldn't use any of them, if you have more. Wouldn't want you to not be safe. Can you let your grandma know or should I call her? "
and when she brays that thy
and when she brays that thy aren't hers and maybe they're dad's just laugh and say "you know they aren't his. just be careful and check the dates of experation next time you buy them in bulk"
DH must pick between SD and you
And his marriage. SD is too underhanded and sneaky to deal with. Any one who would pull this crap is not going to stop. And one day you will have enough and kick his a$$ to the curb. therapy will help DH disneeeey dadddy parenting. But it will do anything for SD sneakiness. SD can not be in your home or at family gatherings. Or vacations. Holidays. Sorry to say this you must have clean break with SD.
'Or one day she will pull something where there's no going back from. If you can't trust her in his car for 5 minutes you just can't trust her.
I think it's a bit far
I think it's a bit far fetched tbh... could it have been in the car prior to him purchasing it.. and was under a floor mat or something... stuck under a seat.. has he taken anyone with him.. or trash to the dump from work or something..
She would have to think you were a super paranoid person to jump to the fact hat he could be cheating.. unless that is history with him.
I would not let her know that it was found.. let the "prank" fall flat if you really think she is the only option.
I would not let her know that
exactly
if she did it then she's looking for a reaction
wouldnt even give her that satisfaction
Sneak it back into her car or
Sneak it back into her car or house lol.
This might be petty but leave
This might be petty (and feed the troll) but leave some condoms, lube, careers at The Bunny Ranch, and safe seggs phamplets where she can find them
What if .... those condoms
What if .... those condoms belong to grandma
geriatrics have desires too! Lol!
And the elderly stay with expired goods.
I would not react. And by
I would not react. And by that I also mean why would your DH continue to communicate with such a devil? She wants a reaction. Don't give her one. But I think she needs to be cut out of your lives.
?
I really want to understand why cutting the cord is so difficult! If this were a friend, would the behavior be tolerated? Likely not! Should we not treat family a step above the rest? Is it guilt? Is it not knowing any other way other than dysfunction? What is it?! I ask because I love the study of the mind.... Why do people do what they do? What is their rationale? What are the pros/cons/consequences of their choices?
"Blood is thicker than water"
"Blood is thicker than water" bs. Cultural beliefs/standards, I think. I have a friend who had a horribly cruel, abusive, mean mother. My friend cut off from her. If the topic of the she-Devil comes up, my friend will state the truth. I have seen more than one person appalled. They say things like, "How can anyone talk about their own mother like that?" Shrug. Because she's a she-devil maybe?
My DH came from a strict Catholic background. I think that is in part why even crumbs from his ingrates are ok with him. . . it is that family/blood tie that I almost think he believes is holy in some way. I can be (or was) a pretty forgiving person, but I have erased one sister and one niece from my life due to their toxicity. Yes, I remember how they once were people I loved very much. I see clearly they are no longer those people. I can erase them for my own well-being and peace of mind as long as I know I have done nothing wrong. It's not a punishment; it's a solution. There are enough good people in the world to waste our time on people intent on hurting us.
This...
...all makes good sense. Though it has taken a long time, I have learned to take people at face value. We need to see them for who they are, not who WE WISH them to be. Or who they were. I think many people get hung up on this. Also people get hung up on guilt. You are spot on, it is not a punishment...it's a reaction to their behavior. We know if our conscience is clear.
KISS simplifies pretty much
KISS simplifies pretty much everyting and distills the complexities down to the simplicity of the behaviors that people exemplify and as such demonstrate who and what they are.
Keep It Stupid Simple. KISS.
Do not give anyone standing beyond what they earn by their demonstrated behaviors and character. Regardless of who they are supposed to be. People who do not earn that standing also do not earn love. So don't waste anything on them. Not time, not care, not resources. When they turn 18 put them in the category that they earn. Write them off. By then they have demonstrated that investing in them is pretty much a forlorn hope.
Mate, kidult, parent, IL, X, etc, etc, etc... All have to earn it. As do we.
Minor kids of course are to be raised accordingly. With standards of behavior and performance by involved adults/parents/sparents. When they reach the age of majority, hopefully well raised, their place is earned going forward.
When they tell you and show you who they are, believe them. Particularly when they do those things repeatedly. Categorize people by their actions and never be fooled by their words.
This keeps life fairly simply in hand regarding living it well. Anyone who does not earn a place in a life well lived, has no place in that life as we each live it. Earning a place is not a birth right, or a earn it onnce thing. It is a life of earning that place in someones life. Day in and day out, minute by minute. You know the good ones when you see and experience time with them. The same is true of those who are not worthy.
Invest in the right ones, write the others off.
IMHO of course.
KISS.
What is most telling in this IMHO.
Is that he has not earned trust from his wife enough that he was not shaken to the core by her clear confident statement that if the condoms were his, they were done.
That it has taken far too long for him to admit the absolute fact of his shit spawn, etc...
My fear TheBlindside, is that his clarity is fleating.
Take care of yourself.