Teacher Fail? LOL
Little back story: DH left last Wednesday (Sept 18), on Thursday I started to get ready for a work conference, I stayed with BIL29 until yesterday morning so that my commute was shorter as we already knew the conference was going to be tiring and it was a 16mi drive versus like a 76mi drive from our house.
We had planned for me to take SS5 lunch on Monday as we didn't know if I would be back in town today or not...turns out I came home last night and so this morning text BM to see if she had packed SS's lunch as now I have to go into work on Monday for a meeting her response "I didn't pack one I was going to drop it off later" this amazed me it takes no time to make a kids lunch especially his - his favorite thing is a pure nutella sandwich and fruit...anyways so I asked if it would be okay if I took him lunch and she hesitated but said okay so that she wouldn't have to go up to the school - I went and of course SS was in his basketball shorts, and a t-shirt I could probably fit into but none the less we had a wonderful lunch as he was super surprised to see me. During lunch the teacher was having lunch outside with her niece I believe who attends the same school and her SIL maybe who had brought them both lunch and the teacher a gift as tomorrow is the teachers birthday. SS heard this and looked at me and said "Can we get Ms.F something for her birthday?" I thought it was to sweet he wanted so I came back to the house and I have some homemade adorable keychains my friend makes and sells on her online store. I put a little note and returned it to school while they were in recess.
This afternoon I get this email:
"Hi SBM,
Just wanted to drop you a quick note and thank you for the lovely key chain. I think SS was very pleased about that. 
It was so nice of you all to think of me. I wrote you, DH, and SS a little thank you note and stuck it in his folder......not remembering that he is with mom. I am so sorry....if it is in his folder on Monday I will take it out and save it for you. SS is a sweetheart and I adore him. So happy to have him in my class! Have a great weekend.
Thanks,
Ms. F"
Well turns out BM has already looked in SS's folder and is pissed about it. I honestly only did it because SS asked and didn't think it would be a big deal - I didn't even expect a thank you not knowing he would be going to BM's this afternoon. I got the email from the teacher at like 4 and school ends at 3 so it had given her time to realize the slip up. I got a chewing out text from BM demanding to know how I knew it was her birthday and telling me that I was in the wrong etc etc, and that she would be sure to send something on Monday. I did reply and put "SS asked me at lunch it shouldn't be a competition" and have ignored all other text. I just feel bad because this time I was trying to just be nice to SS and the teacher completely called us out on being nice, luckily I had received the email as a warning of what was to come - the teacher and I email about events: open houses and other things while DH is gone, like she emailed to make sure I turned in our photo form etc.
Any advice on how to move forward? I was purely trying to be innocent as SS had asked to give her something and I knew I had something at home.
Oh I don't plan on responding
Oh I don't plan on responding to any additional text after my "SS asked me at lunch it shouldn't be a competition" I have my text on silent to where it only makes a noise when DH, my mom or MIL text me so I don't even hear her text to acknowledge them.
I mean honestly I've never gotten a teacher anything I normally did end of year gift, and did a Christmas card for them when I do mine for other family/friends.
I just hate everything has to become a competition. I mean even the teacher realized she made a mistake and knows that if BM sends something it will because she sent a note, in one of BMs text she said she always did stuff for teachers - last year she did NOTHING and like I said I did my Christmas/holiday card and nothing at the end as the teacher had surgery. I know this is a competition for her and I hate that something so innocent can cause such a rift.
BM and I will NEVER be
BM and I will NEVER be friends. We started off with her being a complete jerk about any and everything I did even in MY house. It was ridiculous. I have tried to do what I can to make her not feel threatened. I know I am the more organized one so sometimes it is hard to not over step in certain situations - but I make sure that if our house gets a form if there wasn't two in the folder either I or DH email the teacher to ensure BM will get one when SS returns to her house. And yes I email the teacher over little thing like that, and schedules as DH half the time doesn't know the date when he is gone so it is better for me to just put it all on my calendar.
I felt like I was trying my best to make sure stuff was okay with her - as I stated as little as even taking him lunch if she said she didn't like it I would back off and simply have mine and SS's more relaxed time when DH was home. I don't want her to waste food so I asked since it was a unplanned day.
BM had lightened up for a while when she was dating - the relationship however ended and I think she is back on her fight to need to prove she is a good mom to the school as she seemed to slack when dating...and tried to show that we were all in it for SS. I think now that she's not dating her primary focus again is to make me look like I am the bad one as that is how it seems the cycle goes.
DH works offshore, and he
DH works offshore, and he normally ask me to help him with stuff rather than BM because he has told me one time he wanted to get a girl who didn't have a soccer ball on his soccer team one because he felt bad she didn't have one BM's response "We don't have money DH doesn't give us money to do stuff like that with". SS is a very sweet and caring kid.
I know I am a little more involved than most would be but I don't try to step on her toes or do anything like that...honestly only reason I took something back up was because SS asked and I thought it was sweet and doubted BM would go for it, and in no way shape or form thought the teacher would send a note home or anything to make it into a big deal.
I take SS lunch 1-2 times while DH is gone. It has been like this since last year when he started school as BM and DH had both taken him lunch and he asked if I would one day and it was our week anyways so I did it...and it gives SS and I time where he can be a little more relaxed with me and it has just become our thing for me to do while DH is gone, so we still have some interaction. I have always made sure it was okay with BM as to not step on toes, and tried to ensure she didn't pack his lunch as to not waste food since she is low income, and just to simply be respectful. As stated I was going to take him lunch Monday - something agreed to before DH left but now I have a meeting I must attend and I work 79 miles away would kind be kind of hard to return, so I asked if she had packed his lunch today so I could do it today since I knew I was going to miss Monday and didn't want to disappoint him.
Yes I think that she dresses him poorly, I have no issue with a child especially in Kindergarten not dressing the way I would normally dress in public, but based on the amount of shirt especially we have lost to her residence I would think she could put him in a shirt that fits. I am big on appearance and understand that not everyone has the money (though I buy my clothes off eBay) but again we have lost so many shirts that fit to her house.
As for taking time to make him lunch, her comment shocked me as she legit does very little. She works 1-4 hours a week cleaning apartments, and lives in HUD housing. If she didn't want to make his lunch she could have said "No he's eating at school today" which is fine I mean we typically make his lunch since it is healthier but in no means am I going to say there isn't a day especially switchover days that he doesn't eat school lunch. I just hated how she pretty much made it sound like she just didn't want to the night before when I highly doubt much was going on neither SS or her eldest son are involved in anything right now.
I do not think it is a competition this is just who I am. I personally don't always make his lunch it is equally done between DH and I, and like I said we have lost many clothes to her house I would at least like to see the child in a shirt that fits - now would I mention it to anyone else besides DH no...because it's not my place. I am sorry it sounds like a competition but like I said it has been a ongoing thing about me taking him lunch and if BM said no I would stop hence why I asked instead of taking the chance of wasting her food. I truly feel like I try to be considerate of the situation, and me taking the gift back up there was just me innocently being kind not trying to cause a issues as I said I didn't expect any response from the teacher as I did it because SS is a sweet kid and asked if I would.
I have never said anything to
I have never said anything to anyone but DH, MIL and on this board about how she dresses him, or any of that - I wouldn't want anyone to see it as me thinking I am better, though I feel I could be.
My SS does not come over when DH is not around - I only see him during lunches, sports or sometimes my MIL will get him as her boyfriends child is one of SS's bestfriends so I will go over to MILs house and see him. I do not get the child when DH is gone nor do I push to I would love to have time with him but she is the mom it's not my responsibility and I don't want to overstep on her - if she wanted a night out I would take him gladly but like I said he doesn't come over ever when DH isn't here. The CO is actually written specifically to address DH's job as we get him the first and last week DH is home, so 15/21 days DH made sure it was this way so he wouldn't miss weekends etc before I even came along.
I did not want to take him lunch because BM was - I had text her originally to make sure she hadn't packed his lunch so I could ask if I could have take it yesterday versus Monday because my work schedule had changed. I would not have text her to make it a competition SS looks forward to our lunches like I said it is something we do while DH is gone, and I didn't want to disappoint him which is why I text to see if she had made his lunch. When she said she was going to make it and take it to him my exact response "Okay well I am not going to be able to make it on Monday due to a meeting change do you mind if I take it to him today instead". I did not make it a competition I was trying to keep my promise to SS that I would take him lunch.
As for the gift like I said in my mind it was a innocent thing for me to come back to the house which is like 2 miles from the school and grab something. I am sorry but I would never go in with BM if she wanted to do it she could do it herself, and I don't feel that I should have asked permission to do something nice that stemmed from SS asking. Should I ask BM when SS ask me if I can help him pay for something for DH? NO. I don't have to ask BM anything especially not when to me it seems so minuet. Like I said I didn't even think it would be a big deal to me in my mind I just did it because it was the right thing with no extra thoughts until I received the email about the mistake from the teacher and the mass amount of text from BM.
Like I said I let BM go to school functions and plays and stuff if DH isn't around I don't ask to be there on the first day etc. I step back but from my understanding of not only mine and BM's conversations but ones she has had with DH as well it has always been okay for me to take SS lunch, and she knows I handle the calendar stuff hell half the time she ask me when something is because she loses the forms in which I graciously give her the date it's not like I do stuff and withhold important information from her she uses me as a resource as much as DH.
I can see where a outsider may think I am making it a competition but I really do not feel my intentions are to do that. I was a stepmother before DH as well and was the exact same way, I just want to help provide SS with a good life, and have a relationship with him where we can have lunch together and him be more relaxed and not feel like he's going to get in trouble for not saying "yes ma'am" where he can tell me what he does in class and tell me he thinks a girl is pretty. I just I want the best life for him, and if me not asking BM for permission to do something SS asked ME if I could do makes it a competition I guess it is but my heart isn't about who is better, it is about that little boy and what makes him happy.
Exactly. I am glad someone
Exactly. I am glad someone else understands why I take him lunch and all of that. I like knowing it creates a relationship for SS and I were it isn't always structured we can relax he can tell me stuff, but also we looked up where DH's boat was on the map, I showed him pictures that DH had sent me of what they were doing, SS wanted to take a picture to send to DH. I feel like it is good not only for SS and DH to stay connected beyond the short phone calls they have, but to also show I want to make sure a relationship is there and SS is involved even if BM has primary custody at the time, and also just let him know that while DH is gone on my side he isn't just forgotten about I think it is good for a kid to know especially in our situation that everyone is on their side.
In some of the text I didn't
In some of the text I didn't reply to she kept saying "SS has to go to school Monday so I am going to send something then", "I wish I would have known I have always done stuff for teachers like this". Which is a complete lie she did nothing for SS's teacher last year and mind you all we did was give her a little thank you card at the end of the year but BM didn't know, so there was no issue and she did nothing.
I think the teacher felt genuinely bad when she sent me the email informing me of the mistake, and will know BM is doing it because of the note she sent home. DH leaves before Christmas this year and will not be home so I will probably send the little card/gift from SS and DH before he leaves to hopefully avoid additional drama - because it is something this household does, we did 2 cards last year, and I send holiday cards every year I always have even before DH and I got together so BM can get over herself I am being me.
I hope that BM tries to suck up I really do it will show her true colors to the school, I know a few things are already starting to show but I would love for her craziness of little things that shouldn't even mattered be exposed...especially considering the next thing to get mad about is the fact SS told his teacher I made his flashcards so maybe she would get more involved in hsi school work? LOL I doubt it but it could be a positive for SS.
Update: So it is unclear on
Update:
So it is unclear on whether or not BM ended up sending her something but this morning I get another email from the teacher::
"I was wondering if you received my thank you note as it was not in his folder. If not I will send a note to have them return it.
Thanks,
Ms. F"
I don't care what BM's vindictive against not returning the note is - I honestly don't care like I said I did it for SS not for praise....but it does make me giggle that the teacher is taking it upon herself to see I got the note and try to make sure everything is right.