C U Next Tuesday
I firmly believe at this point my SO has had kids JUST for the sake of saying he has kids because he believes EVERYONE should be bending over backwards for his kids.
To which even he does not do.
Last night my SO, SS6 and BD5 are sitting at the table. Parent-teacher conference notes came in their Tuesday folders. My daughter is doing well in her class and the teacher says she does not need a conference but if you want one fill out this form, yada yada yada. I turn to BD5 to tell her that she's doing well and that I know she's been doing well because I keep in email contact with her teacher.
This was the conversation between my SO and I:
SO: "Do you email their teacher?"
Me: "They have the same teacher." (SS and BD are in the same class - K)
SO: "Do you email THEIR teacher?" (very nasty)
Me: "I don't understand your question, I just said I did."
SO: "Do you email about SS and SD?"
Me: "No, do you?"
SO: "Oh, so you're only worried about BD. I would email them if I had the info." (being incredibly nasty and playing victim)
Me: "It's not hard to get." (referring to the info)
SO: "Thanks for being a c u next Tuesday." (except he said the word, right in front of the kids)
I'm still pissed. He's playing helpless victim, like he can't access the super not-secret emails.
A.) They are openly listed on the school's website. If you can access Google, you can locate the school.
B.) You can call the school and they would be happy to supply the information.
C.) *I* have them. He knows this. HE can ask ME. He has NEVER asked for them nor stated he wanted to email them.
So he's calling me names because I didn't fall all over myself to follow up on HIS KIDS. They are NOT my responsibility! Whenever I would tell him SD8 needed to read, I would be met with a rude "She had all day to read". Alright, fine. Not my problem you don't want to make sure she does her homework. And he did this in front of MY daughter! I couldn't even say anything. The fact that he is so lazy is ridiculous, then try to make me look like the selfish *ss.
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As if he said that in front
As if he said that in front of the kids? I feel for you! My DH can be a nasty ass*ole too.....
He's a fan of that word
He's a fan of that word because he KNOWS I am NOT. I loathe it. One of those things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's just so degrading.
I'm glad you're not married
I'm glad you're not married to this person.
He is purposely baiting you with that word.
Are you sure he's the right person for you??
You're right, he was
You're right, he was baiting.
He isn't the right one for me and I will be leaving to move in with a family member. There's so much more that I haven't posted but it's 10x worse than this single conversation.
He knows he looks like an
He knows he looks like an asshole to his kid's teacher now. So instead of feeling the asshole that he is, he lashes out at you. It's also so classic to blame you for him not having contact information. That excuse would fly in 1959 when only the secretary had access to the roladex. Tell him nice try- get with the times. Dads are parents too.
He wants me to BE his kids'
He wants me to BE his kids' mother. I think the term "Stepmother" is misleading and should be wiped out. I don't want to mother your child, they have one. Not to mention, you are their father - raise your own standards.
You know, the funny thing is
You know, the funny thing is when he comes home all he bitches about is doing someone's job at work. They aren't capable, they are lazy, blah blah blah.
When he comes home, he sits at his computer or plays video games all day. He's 38, mind you. I'm not even in my 30s yet and I feel like I've been burdened with the village idiots' children. You didn't screw the village to make them, why is it up to the village to raise them?
It's all yours. I've always
It's all yours.
I've always loathed that saying.
That's what really gets me
That's what really gets me the most. I'm doing my absolute best for my daughter. I want her to respect others and want to be respected.
Kinda hard to teach standards when you realize you're dating trash.
ETA: Trash is trash.
I had a boyfriend that called
I had a boyfriend that called me that once. I punched him in the face and threw him out of my car.
He called you a cunt in front
He called you a cunt in front of small children because you didn't call HIS childs teacher? Oh yeah... here's the door.
And if you stay? Well, here's your sign.
Exactly. I had no words, that
Exactly. I had no words, that was the final straw. Belittle me and make me feel guilty when the problem lies within him. He always says "I give you my all and the same to ALL the kids".
Yes, that's easy to do when you give nothing. Do nothing. Say nothing.
My jaw dropped. Not just
My jaw dropped. Not just because of the word but the audacity and narcissism. How could you think I should take on everything while you do the absolute minimum?
He really thinks he does way more than what goes on. It makes ME feel crazy. I haven't said a word to him since. I have already started on my out, looks like it will be earlier than expected.
If H called me that, he'd
If H called me that, he'd still be picking bits of his testicles out of his teeth.
My H knows not to call me
My H knows not to call me that name.
He's also very aware I know where every pig farm is located in a 100 mile radius.
Never leave behind any evidence.
}:)
I've been working on an 'out'
I've been working on an 'out' for awhile now. This will just make me move faster. I'm disappointed in myself that I couldn't think of anything to say right after and that I was being treated that poorly in front of my daughter. I can't believe I allowed myself to set that example.
I will be leaving the "relationship".
"Oh, so you're only worried
"Oh, so you're only worried about BD"
Why yes, a monther is worried about their child, NOT someone elses. Why is that so hard to understand?
HE isn't worried about HIS.
HE isn't worried about HIS. So, why should I? He views it as favoring my child. Of course I am, I am genuinely concerned for who she will turn out to be. Your kids will be heathens and you allow it. I'm not working OT to fix someone else's problem. Not anymore.
Even if he WERE worried about
Even if he WERE worried about his kid - it is NOT your responsibility. Your responsibility is with YOUR child. He is trying to bully you into doing everything for his child because he is a lazy POS.
He is a bully. I've ignored
He is a bully. I've ignored the blinding red flags all over the place for a long time because I didn't want to see it.
At this point, I'm exhausted and have to own up to the issues. It's not going to ever be what I need.
*mother
*mother
Your SO is a terrible father,
Your SO is a terrible father, SO and man. You need to get your kid away from that mess today. She is going to grow up remembering her mama being called filthy words and think it is ok if it happens to her.
Teach her to be strong enough to leave that kind of situation. Good luck hun.
That's what has me really
That's what has me really upset. I can't believe I allowed it. I was so shocked and disappointed I couldn't even muster a response. I'm disgusted with him at this point. I absolutely don't want her to think that THIS is the norm and acceptable because it's not.
Thank you.
I see you keep saying you
I see you keep saying you have a plan to get out & it will be sooner now... could you not leave tomorrow? Like immediately & iron out the details later?
I know it may be hard... but your kindergarten daughter just heard a man call you a c u next tuesday... I think it may be worth it for her well being.
She leaves for her BD's, so
She leaves for her BD's, so she will be gone for the next week. I have to arrange for her to be at a new school, new city and it's by appointment only. I'm going to call the school and let them know the situation. I don't like admitting and feeling the shame of it, but there's too much abuse going on so I'm hoping they can speed up the process.
Sounds like a perfect time to
Sounds like a perfect time to leave. You will have a week to get things fixed & moved without having your daughter there.
Where does BD live? What kind of visitation does he have? Do you need his agreement to move?
I wanted her to not see any
I wanted her to not see any of it. She didn't care for him much anyway. Shocked? Me neither.
He lives close to the city where I will be moving and I told him there was a chance I'd be moving back there. He's all for it, it's less travel time for both of us. He hasn't a clue of what's been going on (we are on okay terms, only talk when it concerns our daughter) but he supports it. I don't need his approval but I do have to notify the courts of my new address. Typical CO terms.
So have him help you get your
So have him help you get your BD in a school there. Leave the day he comes to pick up BD. That should work, right?
Switching schools will scar her a lot less than seeing verbal abuse anymore.
You're right, that would work
You're right, that would work and be beneficial to everyone. I'm seeing what the school needs to enroll her, hopefully they can transfer records from one school to another. I don't have the option to run around all day chasing paperwork.
yes & with BD living near you
yes & with BD living near you could even register her under his address until you get moved & settled. Having her spend a lil more time with BD while you get yourself together may also be an option. ANYTHING is better than what she witnessed yesterday.
So sorry you're going through this, btw.
Thank you for your responses.
Thank you for your responses. When I found this site I knew it would give me the uplift I needed. I don't comment much and haven't been a member long but I read and read and read again. The hardest part is admitting what's wrong.
I will hopefully be arranging something with her dad and my sister. That would be a huge help.
Just a question for you: What
Just a question for you: What would have happened if you would have put him in his place? What if you would have gotten over your shock quick enough to say something like "A PARENT is responsible for their children's education. Not a STEP parent. Be responsible for your OWN kids instead of trying to make it my fault that you haven't been."
How would he have reacted? Would he have backed off or would that have made him fly into a rage?
I put up with verbal abuse for way longer than I should have but in all that time, my DH has never ONCE uttered that word to me in reference to ANY female and especially NOT in reference to ME!
This guy sounds like a nasty, bitter, ungrateful piece of shit BULLY....possibly a narcissist as well.
Oh - and THIS is what he was doing - DARVO Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-a...
I've been reading up on
I've been reading up on narcissists. It fits him. After everything he's done, he still maintains he's "never done anything wrong".
Had I been able to speak up, he would have been more enraged and I'm sure there would have been hell to pay. He cannot take criticism or looking like a failure.
Most days when there's a hostile argument, I just tell him he's right no matter how I feel because what HE feels and what HE thinks is always, always right.
I would venture to guess that
I would venture to guess that if he would have backed down, he'd be just a bully. But when you point out a flaw and he would react with rage? That sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder.
Outright denial or
Outright denial or gaslighting. “That never happened.”
Minimization. “It wasn’t that bad.”
Amnesia. “I don’t remember doing that.”
Redefinition. “I have a bad temper, so you shouldn’t upset me.”
Projection. “You’re abusive and controlling. You hurt me.”
Conversion. “I did wrong, but I’m a changed person and won’t do it again.”
This. This. This. So textbook is my relationship to this that it's sickening. Oh the amnesia, he forgets so it must not have happened.
What Queen said!! Today
What Queen said!! Today would be better. Look around at all the women on here that have "exit plans".
Most never leave...the rest take months if not years of abuse before they leave. Any exit plan that last over a few days/weeks is NOT and exit plan. It is hoping things get better before the have to utilize the "exit plan". IMHO.
It did take me a while to put
It did take me a while to put my exit plan in place. Mainly financial and making sure that I covered my tracks. I was afraid that I would soften and cave since I forgive too easily at times. I kept a journal to vent into regarding the bad things that had happened. I reread entries when I started feeling weak.
I have tried to leave for
I have tried to leave for years. I am always easily guilted into staying, I am pretty weak but I never forget. Not sure if being a product of divorce does this to me, but I can't stand feeling like I've wasted someone's time. Even if it's a jerk's time.
The financials are mingled ATM, I'm working on getting that sorted out right now. I wanted to stick around until May because my daughter will be finished with this year of school then but I'm taking the advice to get out now. I know myself, if I don't do it all at once while he is away then I will be guilted into staying. And defeated.
That's the worst part when
That's the worst part when you end up staying and the toll it takes on your self esteem. Some women who are with abusers get their self esteem so shredded that they never leave.
But you have strength that some women don't have. That strength comes from the love you have for your daughter and the protective nature you have to never let harm come to her. Imagine it is 20 years down the road and you are invited over to your daughter's place for supper to meet a young man she fancies.
You get there and hear a conversation between the two similar to the one you typed out. How would you feel? What would you say to her to get her to kick him out or leave herself?
THAT is the stuff you need to keep in mind in order to not be guilted or defeated. OWN your power and take back your life and the life of your daughter's.
You're right. At the risk of
You're right. At the risk of sounding cliche, I do it all for her (not in a creepy, kid on a pedestal or my life revolves around princess type of way). I just don't want to set this type of example. I saw it in the relationships my father was in, and I'm repeating it. It needs to be broken.
My self esteem has suffered a lot.
I am so sorry to hear that
I am so sorry to hear that your SO is being such a jerk. I also loathe that word, and I would leave DF if he called me that. He knows not too, though. And I don't think he should expect you to communicate with your Skid's teachers. DF writes to the SDs teachers if he needs info. She wouldn't even give me the info if I asked. And, the same goes for my BS. His teacher only gives information to the parents. I agree, we are Stepmoms. That doesn't make it our responsibility to raise or Skids. That is what they have parents for. I wish more BF would understand this!
Sorry you SO is such an
Sorry you SO is such an asswipe and it's sounds like you've put up with this for much longer than he deserves.
I want to share a little story with you that I hope will keep you moving in the right direction for your daughter. I run the Alternative Learning Center in the school district where I work. We currently have a 1st grader here because he simply can not function in regular setting classroom and they are trying to figure out what to do with him. He is the cutest little boy, you just want to hug him and take him home. I have no idea what happened at his home, but something did because his teacher from last year said he was NOTHING like he is now. Let me give you the break down of how he acted today: He ripped the tutor's necklace off, smacked her in the face, threw the phone on the floor and let loose a string of cuss words that would put a sailor to shame. This is 100% LEARNED behavior. I can only imagine what is going on in this little boy's home. It breaks my heart.
Don't let this happen to your daughter!
A lot of us have been in this
A lot of us have been in this same situation. It takes courage to take that first step, but once you get the ball rolling it will be the best decision you ever made. I'm cheering you on!
Sweet Pea - your
Sweet Pea - your motto/signature line was one of the first ones I saw that stuck with me. Every time I deal with something stupid/unbearable/sad regarding SO and skids I just remember they're not mine. Not of them are mine, so why should I worry and stress?
I have my own little monkey to worry about.
Good luck to you as well. I've been following your blogs. I've said it a lot today (mainly because it helps) but I got over the first hump of admitting the issues. The realization sucks but it makes me feel better about moving on.
Get out as soon as possible.
Get out as soon as possible. I don't have any children at home (they are all grown, successful adults) but Mr. Guilty Daddy is also a BIG FAN of that word and uses it frequently. He has called me that name in fits of rage when I dared to say anything "disrespectful" about him or his dysfunctional first family.
Take it from me, it's only a matter of time before he puts his hands on you if he hasn't done so already. It took about seven years to completely manifest with Mr. Guilty Daddy