Hi Everyone. I'm new here and be forewarned...this is going to be long because I HAVE to vent...
As stated in my profile, I'm a 37 year old single mom with two kids ages 18 and 14. I'm engaged to a really great guy who has an 8 year old daughter.
My problems are pretty much the result of two separate factors, which I'll keep separate.
First issue: My fiance, while he is an AMAZING father (very attentive to his daughter, loves her more than anything in this world, worships the ground she walks on, does EVERYTHING for her) his good qualities might also be viewed as not so good. Her whole life he has made her such his #1 focus that she is now one of those kids that HAS to be the center of attention, no matter where she is or what she is doing. For example, we went to a wedding last weekend and this child demanded the attention of the entire reception party. When the focus wasn't on her, she made some kind of scene to make sure it was placed back on her. Another example, a lot of times when we are watching TV, she will literally stand between us and the TV and dance or sing in order to get the attention. He thinks she would be great at acting or modeling. I agree but what a monster that would be creating! She is already very snobby and treats my 14 year old daughter like she is better than her...something like this would make her impossible to be around.
This first issue, other than being an issue itself, also creates an issue of my own. Whereas the first issue I can't completely control, this next part I can and it's what makes me so angry at myself...I am SO jealous of this little girl. Every time she curls up in his lap, I get jealous. When I see how he looks at her with so much love in his eyes, I get jealous. When he constantly wants to be near her, holding her, stroking her hair, I get jealous. He talks about her non-stop too. He's not very affectionate with me and part of me feels like if he could spread some of that affection that he gives to her over to me a little, it would be much more balanced.
Second issue: This is the part where I am going to be viewed as an insensitive horrible person. Her mother was shot and killed by police four months ago. Her mother was an alcoholic who suffered depression and suicidal tendencies and four months ago, led police on a chase that ended with her being shot by them multiple times when they saw that she had a gun. I won't dare say that it hasn't been hard on her; however, she didn't see her mother very much in the last 7 years. They were divorced when she was 1 because of the alcoholism and he had primary custody and when the mother was "off the wagon" (which was most of the time) she wasn't even allowed near her. One thing that I have noticed since this happened is that she has had an intense fear of her daddy going away too. Every time he leaves the room, she follows. She cries when he goes away for a couple of days for business. She get hysterical if she doesn't know where he is. For example, she came out of the shower one day and we were out in the garage and because he didn't answer her when she called for him, she panicked. I know she needs serious counciling for this but he thinks this is something she is going to grow out of after she "gets over" losing her mother.
It's sad and don't get me wrong, I know how wrong it is for me to be jealous of the love that this girl is getting (and NEEDS to be getting) from her daddy right now. I don't LIKE that I feel this way but I'm not really sure what to do about it. It is about the only thing that causes my fiance and I to have arguments and the only reason why we know that we can not get married until this is fixed.
Right now I'm irritated because he just forwarded me a whole bunch of pictures of him and his daughter from the wedding that we went to. They're great pictures and I should be happy about them. But my jealousy gets in the way because do you know that whole night, the two of them had probably 20 pictures taken of them together (NOT including the professional shots because he was the best man and she was the flower girl) and not a single one included me. I swear I hated that night because I felt like I didn't even exist. When he called me and asked if I saw them, I said, "Yes, and I'm sure one of them will be your Facebook profile picture soon." So now he's mad at me...and I can't even blame him. I'm mad at me too!
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Welcome!
Do not feel bad about how you feel. You cannot help the feelings. I understand where you would have jealousy of the way he dotes over her. What is your relationship with her? Does she love on you and play with you? Could some of your jealousy be she is not that way with you? Maybe yes maybe no. Tell us about your relationship with her.
As for her fear of daddy going away all I can say is bless her heart. You are right she needs counseling and left unattended she will likely not grow out of it rather it make things worse. Speak to your fiance about getting her help.
Most of all talk to your fiance about your feelings because if you marry him and her mother is gone you will be this girls only mother figure.
Thank you!
I am so happy that I'm not being hunted down with pitchforks and burned at the stake. Thank you both for being understanding. I really feel like I have a good heart and this jealousy thing is such an ugly emotion that I feel so guilty about!
@vickmeister re the discipline: He does discipline her when he feels that she has done something out of line. When she is caught telling a lie or blatantly hurting someone's feelings, he does do a good job in punishing her (no TV, no dessert, etc.). The problem is that a LOT of times, he sees nothing wrong with things that she does. But maybe I'm just too sensitive about them. For example, when she looks at the dinner I've cooked and says, "That's nasty! Daddy, can I eat something else for dinner?" (this happens almost every night). In my opinion, she should be punished because she has been disrespectful. He doesn't see it that way and just says to her, "Well, just try to take a couple of bites and see how you like it." As far as ME disciplining her, I do but only when she has done something indisputably bad and he's either not around or didn't see/hear it happen. And he is ok with me doing this. Oh...also, he turns a blind eye a lot of times when she talks hateful to my daughter. 99% of the time I'm the one to stand up for my daughter when this happens. When I ask him, "Did you not hear what she just said?", he claims that he did not. I swear sometimes I wonder if he really didn't or if he just doesn't have a problem with it.
Also, I agree with you that I need to see a therapist. I actually do see one with my daughter about some of her issues, but haven't talked to her by myself about my issues...but it IS on my to-do list. (It's more of a financial issue because we already spend so much money seeing her for my daughter!)
@StepG re: her relationship with me: Sometimes she climbs up in my lap and is affectionate. Not very much though. She probably loves up to me once for every 20-30 times she loves on her dad...so there is no doubt there's a huge preference there. But I would expect that. She has a huge preference of her daddy over everything and everyone! She thinks the world of him, which is actually very cute. It just bugs me to no end that she won't leave him alone for a minute. If I had a nickel for every time she said "Daddy". I'm not kidding...it's several times a minute, every time she needs something. "Daddy...glasses" "Daddy...drink" "Daddy...up" (This is what she says when she wants him to pick her up and hold her. Yes, she's 8.)
Sounds SOOOO familiar...except the dead BM part
First, WELCOME!!! Second, I will be the first to admit I'm sickenly jealous of the oodles of attention my DH gives to my SD11. Plus I wanna smack her in her not so cute little head everytime she tries to make herself center of attention. Your SD sounds similar to mine, center of attention since birth and still expects it to be that way. You are not in an impossible situation but you do have your work cut out for you! The women(and men) here are simply WONDERFUL and I'm sure you will get some really useful advice here just like I have gotten.
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
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I agree, red flags.
While it is just awful that your fiance's daughter has suffered such a loss, she cannot be allowed to manipulate the situation to her advantege as a result of this either.
First, I really think that she should get some sort of grief counseling so thta she can deal with this. It will not just go away.
Second, whew, I think that you bf needs some counseling himself. He may be going overboard with the doting as a way of trying to compensate for what has happend in your future sd's life. Sadly, this will not help her either. I think it is great that he wants to be a good Dad but it is possible to be a great parent without putting your child on a pedestal and giving them a entitlement complex, as a result.
I also understand your jealousy and your feelings are very valid. I think it is important for your future relationship to work this out with him now or you will always feel like the "other woman." He has to allow you to take on a role of sorts with her and also allow YOU to be his partner not his kid.
I know it is tough, we all know it here. Please take your time and try to work things out so that it is acceptable to you. Many of the ladies here, myself included, wish that we would have been informed before commiting.
Good luck to you and welcome!
Before you get the papers make sure that the Skid has
absolute clarity that there will be ZERO chance of her working between you and your DH.
One thing that has kept the drama with my SS to a minimal level over the last 15+ years is that he knows there is not a snowballs chance in hell that he will be able to ruin the relationship between his Mom and I.
If DH will not agree very publicly to the absolute inviolability of your marriage and that the marriage comes before all else including Skids(yours or his), BioKids(future), parents, careers, etc.... then I would let him know that there will be no wedding.
Though tragic, the demise of the looser BM is truly a blessing to everyone. You will always be confronted with the memory of the perfect BioMom (regardless of the actual facts her life and demise) but at least you will not have to deal with the incessant intrusion of her toxic crap in the life of your family.
By the way. Welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful input from some amazing people who would love nothing more than the best for their families including the Skids.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
I'm here with ya, jojo
My DH dotes incessantly on SD6. She cannot do anything by herself. Until last fall, he was still bathing her. She crawls all over him and does the DADDY, DADDY, DADDY thing all the time, to. It makes me cringe when she's all touchy feely and overly mushy with him. Jealous? You betcha.
We recently bought a house and THANK GOD there's a little girl down the street who is in the same grade and school. We both necouraged her to make friends and taught her how to be polite and introduce herself. She buckled and hid behind her dad for the entire day. Finally, I had to stick my foot up his ass and tell him to quit messing around and let her grow up. Fortunately, he chased her out of the house all day the next day.
Now they are friends and I have some peace. She is still co-dependent, too dependent for her age. But I will take my victories where I can.
Since we are both in the same boat, I'm here for ya!
wow!
that bm story is nuts! But even though its sad, you're some what ahead of the game because you dont have a bm causing drama in your life. you are able to concentrate on your family unit with out bm barging in to your life.
I have one question, and then ill go into how i can relate to your feelings.
My question is: Do you try to be included in this affection or do you withdraw because of your jealous feelings? You mentioned that he is not affectionate with you, but is this in general or do you not give him the opportunity or initiate it with him? If it were me, i would have been jumping in all those photos! We only have ss4 50 of the time, so i do give him time to be with ss alone because i think its important bonding time, and bm is trying to force ss on to her bf, so i think it is very important for fh to have this time with ss, also this way ss does not feel that i am taking fh away from him. However, if i feel left out or am ready for some attention, i jump right in the middle of it! ill sit on the couch with them, tickle ss and they welcome me with open arms. now ss always will say, now get smnikki, tickle her daddy! He expects me to be involved. Where as before i would sit on the couch expecting fh to come to me. I realized he was stuck in the middle and if i considered his feelings he would do the same for me.
IMO, you are now this child's mother. The bm is gone and there needs to be a solid mother figure in her life. Is it possible to view her as your daughter now, therefore taking away some of the jealous feelings? For me, i also become jealous when fh is overly attentive to ss4. Part of this has to do with me being an only child, and always being the center of attention though. You mentioned that her behavior is part of your issue with her. Ugh, i can not stand snotty kids and would be having the same struggle! It seems that she is obsessed with getting attention, is this just because of fh or are there some real abandonment issues?
Since her mother has not been a constant in her life perhaps she views her dad as her only rock, and is competing with you for his attention. Rather than be jealous maybe pitty would help you cope better, realizing how it must feel to be terrified to lose the only parent in your life, wheather its right or wrong. I think that fh should handle this differently, but maybe if you were more assertive about being included (not sure if you are already trying this) you all would work better as a family unit and then she would relax and not see you as competition.
Whew...I think I've found my new home!
I am so thankful that I've found good people who can relate to my issues!
He and I are on the same page as you all...we know that we have got to work out these issues before we ever get married. But yes, we do live together, which almost puts us in the "marriage" boat anyway. My kids are comfortable with him except for the way that he sometimes puts up with his daughter being out of line.
I actually have a son who is 18 and my daughter is 14 (I'll start using the abbreviations). BS18 pretty much defends himself, whereas BD14 tends to take things much more personally and just internalizes things. So SD8 sees her more as a pushover and targets her. DF (fiance) most of the time just ignores it and I have to step in and be the bad guy (or the hero from BD14's point of view!).
Re: him picking her up and carrying her at 8 years old, you would think it would be embarrassing to her, but she does it everywhere. At school, at the store, at home. I've even said to her when we're out, "S, look around...do you see any other 8 year olds being carried around by their daddy?". Of course she stops but then she sulks about it because she's mad for me saying that.
Thanks for some great advice
@Georgie Girl: SD8 actually is in a child grief center. Just started last month but it's group therapy and only 2 days a month and I feel like she could use something a little more intense. I have to pick my battles though because it was tough enough getting DF to put her in this so it can't hurt. And re: feeling "like the other woman"...boy did you hit that nail on the head! I've actually used those very words myself!
@Rags: I love your philosophy, totally agree, and I wish more couples held those beliefs. Your comment about her tragedy being a blessing is unfortunately true. I've been with DF 2 years (engaged 1 year) and it was a non-stop drama. That actually has been one relief that we've had from this.
@LValleyGirl27: OMG, THANK YOU! We ARE in the same boat. What is up with them wanting to stay babies? I don't remember either of my two reverting to baby-hood. OH...when I first met DF 2 years ago, he was still taking showers with her! I put my foot down on that one when we first started dating. I honestly think if I hadn't that he still would be because he asked me recently (this was after a long day and she was really filthy and tired), "So I can't just jump in the shower with her real quick?" I looked at him like, why are you even asking me this? And until just recently (like a year ago) he WAS still bathing her.
@smnikki: You have given me several things to reflect on. I appreciate it and there very well may be some truth to what you are asking me. I probably do set myself up for jealousy a lot of times because first, I'll EXPECT what I know is going to happen (her/him excluding me), and then I'll react by sulking or getting my feelings hurt. I need to pay close attention the next time and see if perhaps I am just sitting back waiting to be the "third wheel". Thank you for some wonderful insight. And I would LOVE to be able to think of her as my own daughter. I guess that is just difficult because, as bad as this sounds, I always seem to feel like there is a DF/SD8 team and a me/BS18/BD14 team. How do I get past that??
ive gotten
so much help on here, im glad if any of my situation helps any one!! one thing that has helped is that my mom has told me that my step father always felt like an outsider, and grew very resentful towards her for this. Due to this...i do all i can to involve myself and make sure that fh does not make me feel as an outsider. As far as teams, i dont have any kids, and im sure that once we do...things will change as any relationship would with the intro of kids. I think that it seems like df is the one creating this situation though. Maybe some quality time with just you and sd would be good, show her that you truly care about her and maybe you guys can bond better and then she will see you as some one on her team rather than competition.
Jojo71
I am also new here, but it sounds as though we share some similar issues. Does your DF spend alot of time behind closed doors with SD8? - I don't mean that in a sick way, its just that my BF demonstrates similar behavior and is constantly taking his daughter into other rooms and closing the door to talk with her, almost making it a point to take her as far from me and OUR son to have lengthy conversations (she is 3 I don't get what they could possibly be talking about... but anyway) back to your issue of the constant doting, when i pointed this out to my BF as a problem he used the "she's only 3" excuse as he does for everything he does (unless she breaks something of his... anyway separate issue..) or tells me that i treat his daughter rudely and that he wants to break up with me (which he recants later). So just as a warning be careful how you approach these issues with your DH if he is as obsessed with his daughter as my BF then he'll flip on you. I found that if you try to bring up the issues as ways of helping his daughter, like offering suggestions that don't sound like criticism. Like my SD3 likes to fake cry for extended periods of time, which is migraine-worthy... so i mentioned to him that we give her the option to go to her room to "cry it out" and when she's done she can rejoin the rest of us. He took the advice and we both started doing it, and the problem is almost resolved and he didn't get offended. I hope any of this helps you.
jojo
I hope that you will think it through before you sign the papers. Its one thing when you have an 8 yo acting stupid and someone enabling stupidity but its another when they are 14 or 16 doing the same thing.
You are wasting your energy being jealous of a child that has so many mental issues and needs a real parent. I hope one day she can find one.
Closed doors?
Not really. I think he has done this a few times, but I've never really found it to be excessive. I can recall a time or two when SD8 has been reluctant to talk about something in front of me (as a side note, it ended up being that she realllly didn't want to eat what I had cooked for dinner). (This all sounds like I'm a bad cook but it's really just that I cook healthy and she's used to getting fast food her whole life living w/ a single dad lol)
And you are right...he is VERY defensive about me giving any kind of constructive criticism about his parenting. His #1 priority in life is to be a perfect dad and any time that is questioned, he feels very offended. So I do have to walk on eggshells when I give advice.
One thing I should add as a praise to my DF...he has never allowed her to sleep in the bed with us. I think that may have just put me over the edge if that had been allowed!
My SS slides way down the maturity curve regularly.
He has three out-of-wedlock half sibs by his BioDad. The entire SpermClan thinks it is so cute when the kids are all running around acting like babies. My SS (the oldest of BioDad Out-of-wedlock spawn) used to come home from Winter, Spring and Summer visitation with such horrendous maturity regression that we had to re-toilet train him until he was nearly 5 years old. He would leave home toilet trained and come back in diapers with butt rash so bad his anus would bleed and he had puss filled welts all over his rump. I used to have to take him straight from the airplane to the bath tub he stunk so bad. He would sit in the tub just sobbing saying "Daddy, don't wash my butt,it hurts to bad". If BioDad had not been 1500 miles away I would ripped out his eyes and pissed on his brain.
When SS was 18mos - 4yrs old he would leave for visitation talking, drinking out of a cup, using silverware and come home pointing, grunting and crying if he wanted something, drinking out of a bottle and eating with his hands. NOT HAPPENIN IN HIS REAL WORLD. His Mom and I would ignore him until he asked for what he wanted. If he grabbed food off of his plate with his fingers instead of using silverware we would dump his plate in the trash and he starved until the next meal. He at least would get back to using his words and the toilet pretty darn fast.
Even at nearly 17 my SS consistently behaves in a manner more appropriate for a 13yo. Every year since pre-school his teachers, counselors and school administrators have commented on how frustrating he is due to his academic abilities being several years advanced and his maturity lagging 3-5yrs.
As for the jealousy thing. I am a guy so maybe I am missing some of the subtleties of this but ....... I don't see it so much as jealousy as aversion to inappropriate behavior. A 17 year old should not act 13. A 9yo should not act 5, etc........
I was at a family reunion a few years ago when during a conversation with the wife of some before unknown distant cousin a kid walked up to her (the kid had to be at least 5), and said "Mamma Hungy" then crawled under her shirt and latched on to her boob. I just about flipped my lid. I did not say anything but apparently the look on my face expressed fairly accurately my opinion. She proceeded to begin a lecture on how my reaction was offensive, that she was a member of LaLeche League (apparently some breast feeding advocacy group that advocates breast feeding until college graduation or some such crap ..... IMHO of course) and that breast feeding older children was perfectly appropriate .......
Now I am a boob man, a leg man, a butt man, heck I appreciate all aspects and variations of feminine beauty. But a kindergarten/first grade age kid latching on to his Mom's boob was just WRONG. If a kid that age is hungry they can trot up to the picnic table and grab a Cheeto but heading to the Lactose bar for lunch is not appropriate.
Breast feeding in public or private is fine. In fact when I owned a restaurant I built a planter arrangement around a table in my restaurant with room to park strollers so a group of young mother's who came in each week could have lunch and breastfeed without gawkers disturbing them. But ..... a 5yo breast feeding is not fine. IMHO.
I take aversion to behavior that is inappropriate for the age of a child and I for sure take exception to parents who don't do their utmost to hold kids accountable for appropriate behavior.
Taking exception to and Expressing concern with your Spouse about inappropriate behavior from Skids/BioKids is not jealousy IMHO. Showering with elementary aged kids, inappropriate affection from a kid, etc ...... These are things that as parents it is our job to set an appropriate example and enforce appropriate standards for.
The reason why I care and invest so much in my SS is that he is MY Son. I chose to be his Dad when I asked his Mom to marry me and she blessed me to be his Dad when she said yes. I will be his Dad, raise him to viable contributing adulthood and be concerned about him my entire life if it kills us both.
You have the amazing opportunity to be your SD's Mom without being second guessed by the XW/BM. YOUR youngest daughter will learn to appreciate you as her Mom. Give yourself, her and your family time to adjust.
Please keep us updated on the adventure.
I know I probably wandered far afield with this post. Sorry.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)