Did I miss a post?

I Don't think your in the wrong, the whole grandparents thing is INSANE. You could always use the xcuess "well im at work, I'm busy and I would have called you on my break"
Or there is always "I thought I wouldnt call in case she was sleeping"
Im sure thought that him climbing back in bed with her is not the way to go, its just going to make her expect it more, and she is 8?? Isnt that inapropiate?

She needs to get counseling. You're right, he can't lay in her bed every night. She needs to learn to self soothe. All children need to learn that regardless of whether they are in a traditional family or not.

I am SO sorry jojo. I don't know what to say to this latest post in terms of useful and practical advice. FH is going about this the wrong way and is clearly blind to the real problems that SD8 is having. It's as if nothing you have said, none of the points you've made, have registered with him AT ALL. I don't know WHAT I'd do in your shoes other than be upset, angry and sad. Thinking of you today and hoping that somehow, things will right themselves. You've done nothing wrong from what I've read. Everyone else, from FH to the grandparents etc. is overreacting... That's just like my XH and his family. They would run to the ER for a simple head cold! No common sense whatsoever. Anyway, *HUGS* to you and so sorry that things are deteriorating this way.

don't let him try and flip this as if you are the bad guy! I have been following your blogs about SD8 and he needs some serious help.. like now! Hell like yesterday!
Don't feel low..that girl is a master manipulator when it comes to her dad and your FH. Not for nothing but I think he enjoys laying with her just as much as she does! This is not healthy for him, her or you!
I don't how many people on ST have laid with their fathers when they were that age, but I can guess it is not many!
Feel better ok? and keep us posted!

"And this too shall pass..."

Just because he took her to the emergency room does not make her sick. As you said ealrier they found nothing wrong with her. Many doctors, many tests, no real symptoms = no serious illness.

I think that if he is anything like my DH (who operates primarily out of selfishness) then he is probably trying to get back at you because he is the one stuck at home dealing with a child that is pretending she is sick while you are going about your typical day!

Is it possible that he really wishes he could do likewise and therefore is trying to guilt you into thinking that you should be a more compassionate SM that would have offered to stay at home so he could go to work and not have to deal with it! What better way to work out his anger than by trying to make you feel guilty!

but now may not be the time. You're going to push away your DH if you push this now -- to his mind his daughter is sick, possibly very sick, and you, his wife, don't seem to care.

Parents need to teach independence to children, not co-sleeping, but again ... maybe leave it for now? I think your husband, if this is stress-related because he isn't sleeping with his daugher who's waaaay too old for that, should see that he's not doing her any favors in the long run.

I'd be furious. And again, I think you're right. But I also think you may do more damage by saying anything at the moment. You may want to be married rather than be right on this one? I see this as having the potential to cause a deep rift between the two of you. (I know you're saying that it already has, on your end.) I guess it's just a matter of how important is to you, at this point in time.

Perhaps tell him you know he's doing his best and is worried about SD, then wait until she's "better" to discuss how to break (both of them!) from this damaging habit. Then it's back to square one as far as teaching her the nighttime rules -- but at least you'll have DH.

And you don't "suck" as a SM or wife. You're just frustrated, and rightfully so. (When our kids claim sickness and miss school, we make sure they know that means they're in their rooms -- no TV (unless we know they're really sick) no playing, no outside, and early to bed. Suggest to your DH that you really do care, and think physical and mental rest is the right way to go on this one. See how long she can last if she is, indeed, faking it.)

I get caught up at work to and don't remember to call my son when he gets off the bus. He gets home at 330 and sometimes he doesn't call me until 4 and is like yeah mom thanks, Im home and safe. We get busy, working moms work, amazing theory isn't it?

Onto the cuddling thing...........look, cuddling her is not what's keeping her healthy. Him not going and laying down with her every night is not whats made her sick. That's a ridiculous theory that he's shoved into his brain.

On his side of this.......I can see what he's saying. If my daughter lost her father I would snuggle up to her every night and I wouldn't care who liked it........it would be a long time before I stopped. You know what I mean?

This has always been a situation here at ST. Some people are dead set against a "family bed", etc, and others are bewildered that some don't like it! LOL.

She is also only 8. I think this will pass, but you have to use your own judgment on weather it is something you are willing to accept or not.

((hugs))

Both of them need counseling. You guys should also consider getting therapy together too.

I lived with a man who treated his daughter that way, and it never changed. If anything it got worse and the resentment just built up and built up. The older his daughter got, the wiser she got on how to manipulate Dad. In fact, I even used it to my advantage on occasion...I would have her ask him to go do certain things on the weekends because I knew he would do it if she asked (if I had asked, he would have said no).

Needless to say, the relationship did not work. It's impossible to be happy with someone when you don't feel valued. I learned a long time ago that I have to take care of myself....no one else is going too. Towards the end of our relationship, my anxiety level was out of control...it really started to affect my health! I had to go, could not take it anymore.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

why are you the "one person" that should care the MOST? Does he not see the true correlation between her "illness" and not being allowed to sleep in bed with him? She may very well be sick, I don't know the inner working details of things, but it appears to me on the outside of all this that it's all a ploy to get his attention. I personally would be irritated if I had to deal with my husband going to lay in bed with her...maybe even a little creeped out.

The guilt trips he pulls are unfair. It's not your fault that he cares so much/worships his daughter to the point that everyone else appears to not care unless they too worship the ground she pouts on. An ER visit that is not related to trauma is not a cause to rush to the hospital. You said that she wasn't admitted which to me says even more that her case was not serious enough for the whole extended family to run to the hospital to hold a candlelight vigil at the side of her stretcher.

You don't suck at being a stepmom. Someone had to go to work to pay for the ER visit hahaha I really hope things get better for you!

Honey - You DO NOT SUCK. Let's just get that out of the way immediately.

I agree with Austen... You guys are both right here. Your husband needs your support. Your SD needs your love and support.

Is she psychosomatic sick? Very possibly yes. And you have won a very small victory by DH admitting to you that SD needs some counseling.

If I could suggest to you, I would just say.... let this one go. Treat her as if she is sick. Treat your husband with all of the due respect and caring and support that he needs to get through it. That is what both of them will remember about you...no matter how it turns out.

If, God forbid, this kid has a real issue and you don't change your actions.. It's going to be "Oh JoJo didn't care!" If you do, they will remember how much you helped!

If it turns out to be nothing, then both of them will remember how you stood by them. And you will have a MUCH BETTER CHANCE of getting your husband to see that what he is doing is not helping.

Right now, it's becoming a "battle of wills" and also a battle that your husband is trying to fight to "protect" his daughter.

I don't care if anyone thinks that he is coddling her or whatever right now. While she is sick, and you say she is... then now is not the time to fight about it his "guilt parenting". Get through the crisis and deal with the bullsh*t later.

Stay strong!! Your heart is in the right place and I know you want what is best for this little girl. By being supportive, I BELIEVE - my opinion, that you will get there.

Best wishes...

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice. I think you can show her sympathy for the mental illness without buying into the stomache sickness. Have the doctors found anything wrong? In all these visits?

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

I'm trying to remember...was SD living with BM when she passed in Feb?...and wasn't it cop suicide or do I have u confused with someone else?...

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

I think u need to forget the "daddy guilt" thing for right now....this child is in crisis...this is waaaay different than a guilty daddy issue for right now...abandonment to a child whether by death or just leaving can affect the child in many different ways...it has only been 7 months here since this child lost her mother in a tragic way...(if yur situation is the one I remember with the BM passing in Feb by cop suicid)....listen...she's gonna do whatever she has to do to keep her Daddy from "leaving" her too....now I may be in the minority here, but I applaud yur FH for trying to make her feel secure right now and that someone will be there for her no matter what. The thing is,,,he needs to get her mental health intervention immediately. Now...the way I see it jojo...u haveta decide what u want, honey,,,,, a man who is acting like yur FH because he loves his child so much (EVEN IF HE IS GOING ABOUT IT IN THE WRONG WAY), or one who would tell a child in crisis to go back to bed and stay and cuddle with u. Listen, not for nothin, but if I had a bio child in crisis and my DH (stepfather) didn't show concern, I'd be pissed too..so in a way, u haveta kinda see where he is coming from..anyway, one of my kids kinda went thru the same thing when BM abandoned her...its a cry for help, jojo..the best thing u can do for that child is make yur DH see that in a supportive way and try to help HIM get her the help she needs. Unfortunately, in these extreme situations we, as stepmoms have to come second for the welfare of the child in crisis..JMO.of course, from my experiences....

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Although it is probably nothing (and deep in your heart you know it isn't), I agree it's time to let this one slide.

And I'm speaking from YEARS of experience on this one!

My three SDs are Hypochondriacs to the extreme- courtesy of their BM. Middle SD, who is most like her BM, displays this trait most of all.

Over the years, BM had her CONVINCED she had (to name a few):
-Diabetes (because she was thirsty one week)
-scoliosis (because her back hurt)
-a brain tumor
-a stomach tumor
-skin cancer
-menangitis

She ran her to a neurologist and DEMANDED an MRI because SD had headaches (but curiously, she only had them when she was BORED at home. She never had them when she went out with friends.)

SD was actually DISAPPOINTED when she was told by the doctor that she DIDN'T have scoliosis and DIDN'T need a backbrace (sick, right?)

A couple of years ago, DH reamed out SD on the phone for being incredibly disrespectful to her. I mean, he really gave it to her! An hour later, BM called DH to say that she was "rushing SD to the ER because she was having an "appendicitis attack" and that he needed to come right away before they wheeled her into surgery!

Yeah, right- more like an "attack of a guilty conscience". DH went to the hospital and there he sat for hours on end. SD acted like she was near death, but after all was said and done, there was nothing wrong with her and she was sent home.

Two days later, BM calls again, saying that SD is in the ER. DH runs again. Because of the last episode, they are taking no chances and admit her. They run tests galore. BM and SD are now the center of attention as everyone rushes to her bedside.

Two days later...nothing is wrong and she is sent home.

I say nothing. There is NO NEED TO, JoJo. Because DH and I BOTH KNOW what has happened without the words even having to be spoken...

BM is a total "fruit loop" with her hypochondria, and has created a mini version of herself in SD.

But when the "health crises" (as BM likes to always call them so she feels like she has purpose in her pathetic life) happen, we just do what is right for the kids. We show up at the hospital with the fake smile and say, "Ohhhh, how are you feeling, sweetheart?"

Then after everything calms down and gets back to its nearest semblance of "normal", we can talk about getting therapy for us as a couple as well as for the kid!

Good luck, hon- it isn't easy!
Been there, done that, threw away the t-shirt!

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

WHAT??? My SD's BM died in Febraury too!!!! We hadn't seen her since August of 2007. She found out she had lung cancer in Dec and died in Feb! How long have you been her SM? I feel like noone is in my situation but maybe you kinda know how I feel!!! Her mom signed over her rights in 2007. that was harder on SD than her death this year!! I adopted her in 2008, but things have really gone downhill the past couple years. Especially this year. She is angry I guess. I have her in counseling but we have had a HORRIBLE summer. I am going to the same counselor but I think I should have a different one. I would love to talk to you more. Please tell me more about your situation!!!!!!!!

i know how you feel...he guilt parents...and now he's trying to make you feel like bad person. great! now you can both feel like bad people! meanwhile SD runs the house and your relationship. i wish i had better advice on how to fix this. i go through the same thing....

the only thing i've ever done that has worked....see our situation is a little different because i work two hours away...so most of the time during the week i'm living in a hotel...we're really just together on the weekends. (as you can imagine, that really limits our alone time) as i previously mentioned, sd9 REFUSES to sleep alone...would sneak in bed with us in the middle of the nite if she couldn't manipulate her dad into sleeping in her bed. several times she threw tantrums (screaming, kicking, throwing things...) that lasted over two hours. bf wouldn't put his foot down and i got sick of being put on the back burner (and sick of sex being interrupted by hissy fits from her bedroom.) so one nite, when he went to go lay with her...i left. drove back to my hotel room and i stayed there. i told him until he can put his foot down then i would stay there. i wasn't going to come home when i can't even spend time with him or lay in the bed with him. if he wants to spend every nite in bed with his nine year old daughter then that's cool...i have things i can be doing for work. he started setting more defined boundaries after that...

Maybe you can turn this around to your benefit... by showing you care... example... if this were my BD, and I thought she was really sick, I'd be taking her to every specialist to get to the bottom of her illness. I'd be doing my own google searches on possible diagnosis's or whatever to figure out what was wrong. I'd be very reluctant of the ones that just wanted to give medicine and not potentially find the root of the problem. You don't want a band-aid if there truly is something wrong. How common is gastritis in 8 year olds? My guess is extremely rare. Which means likely that it's being brough on by stress which means the specialist she really needs is a counselor! Get this opinion from multiple doctors!

So the bottom line is this, show you care by suggesting that she get the support/care she needs to CURE her illness... whatever it may be. Because you "HATE to see her suffer", right?

btw - my EH, when we were still married, acted just like all these other guilty daddies (this existed even BEFORE we were divorced). I, the BM, was accused on many occasions, of not caring about our child because I did not share the same parenting ideas as he did... he was/is overly protective, hovers, coddles, over-praises, over-reacts, baby's, bribes with gifts and... still sleeps in the same bed as our BS8 (almost 9). This is partly because his living conditions... he is renting a room from someone... but he has slept in the same bed with him since the divorce 4 years ago. Maybe it's not as bad since he's same sex... IDK. However, my son also slept in my bed after the divorce until I remarried 3 months ago and he's not slept there since.

Our son had a lot of serious health issues when he was little. I was constantly taking him to the doctor. In his first 2 1/2 years, after a 1 week stay in the hospital and being accused of not caring enough, I counted how many times I had taken him to the doctor... 56 times. Hmmm, and I didn't care?

Guilty/overly-protective daddy's can be very unreasonable in respect to their expectations of others (even BMs) when it comes to their baby's.

I have been here too. Bullshit!!! First its not your fault that he and his daughter is full of shit. My step daughter is the sameway I do not feel bad for her or my silly ass husband. If you have tried to talk to him,then pray for him and his daughter.Your wrong for not calling nor going to the hospital. But he needs to allow her to grow up. This is not a healthy relationship for anyone. He can not make everyone happy someone will be hurt and its going to be you. sorry. pray pray pray

All the ladies here have really great advice and mine will echo most.

JoJo, my SD6 is very similar to yours. She has tried to weasel into our bed and I get PISSED when it happens. DH and I have had short discussions about it because all-out confrontation would only make it worse. I express to him how bad it would be if SD mentione, even casually, to anyone how she crawled into our bed to sleep and saw dad's weenie or butt, or LValley's boobs or privates. (even if they happened to pop out in the course of the night - not on purpose.) And how in the wrong setting with the wrong people it would be taken out of context and our lives would be hell! He buckled to that one. I have a high-profile job and cannot be stuck in the limelight for that kind of shit. He doesn't want that kind of stigma on him either.

I give him a 20-minute pass to go tuck her in, read a story and watch god-forsaken I-Carly. Then he has to move on. When she knocks on our door, I open it and (for lack of a better word) 'herd' her back into the hallway and 'herd' her back upstairs into her room without a word. I say good night and that's all. She'll pout and try to reason with me, but it's bedtime, baby. I'm a light sleeper so she's stuck with me. Since month three of our marriage, she hasn't managed to get by me.

In regards to the health aspect - DO NOT shuffle her to a ton of doctors. It will only fuel her fire and make her more dramatic. Plus she'll probably miss school and you and DH will miss work.

Here's what I suggest - serve her SICK FOOD. For example, chicken soup broth, saltines, dry toast, ginger ale, apple juice, jell-o, etc. This will show that you care because you are watching what she eats, which obviously relates back to "belly issues." No candy, ice cream, chocolate, soda, salsa, tomato sauce, etc. And when she whines for it, tell her no, it will make your tummy hurt and you'll have to go back to the hospital for shots and nasty medicine. Make sure you stress the NASTY MEDICINE and shots. I have a guy in my office who has "internal issues" like your SD claims and he eats the most bland food to avoid that bubbly feeling in his guts.

Two birds, one stone - show you care by monitoring her health and it will help do away with the illness.