I'm so thankful for all of you...update on SD8...
Just wanted to thank all of you for some of the best advice this week. SD8 goes in today for her upper endoscopy. The grandparents are taking her. FH wanted to but can't miss more work...anyway, he said it's probably best that he isn't there...he can hardly stand seeing her go through that anyway.
We talked some more last night. It was good that SD8 wasn't there because we were able to really get some uninterrupted communication going...without censoring ourselves. I think we are going to be ok. It's going to be tough for a little while to see him continue to coddle her, him thinking that this is what she needs, but under the circumstances (I would rather be married than be right...thanks Austen), I am going to accept it. I plan on just reminding myself, every time he babies her, "This poor child's mother just died less than a year ago, Jojo...let it go." I plan to be more empathetic toward her emotional condition. Sometimes, in the day-to-day routine of family life, I lose sight of that. I don't feel that it makes it ok, but it makes it tolerable.
In our discussion last night, FH agreed to getting her into therapy...reluctantly...but he did agree. He said if the tests (endoscopy) show that there's nothing physically wrong with her, after things settle down, yes, he will bring her to counciling. I told him, Honestly, FH...regardless of what these tests show...she needs counciling either way. ANY child who loses her mother is going to need counciling...it's a horribly traumatic event in a person's life.
His biggest problem with me is that I wasn't supportive during this. I admitted that he was right. I apologized. I explained to him again how it is difficult to support something that you know is not right. Told him that I will 100% support him, as long as he agrees to follow through with therapy. I told him I will not support him laying with her every night and allowing her to come into our bedroom, no matter what the excuse is, when she's 12, 13, 14 years old. He said there's no way she'll be doing that when she's that old...she'll be independent and have hundreds of friends...she's going to be "the most popular girl in school". (Not to go off topic here...but I hate how much he emphasizes popularity with her...anyway...that's another story for another day.) I told him, FH, I honestly believe that as long as you allow it, she WILL continue to be this clingy when she's that age. He adamantly disagrees.
We called it a truce, *kissed and made up*, and we're doing ok now. SD8 is with the grandparents until Sunday...he and I need this time alone I think.
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I am glad that you guys had that conversation
It was definitely needed. I can't even imagine what that poor child must be going through with losing her mom, and I agree that sometimes we lose sight of that.
I think the fact that he has agreed to counseling for her is a really good sign. It seems like you guys are on the path and will be okay.
um...yeah !
Dh has to realize that OF COURSE a child who loses her momma is going to need serious therapy!! I'm glad you guys talked and hopefully had makeup sex(that's the best kind as everyone knows!). Fingers crossed they don't find anything PLEASE keep us posted on this!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Glad to hear...
Glad to hear she is going to get soem procedure done. I know it won't be fun for her, but maybe they will (or will not) find anything wrong with her.
Crayon is right, therapy. We have all said it the last couple of days. It will help your SD8. It HAS helped my SS12 and SD10.
keep us posted Jojo.... I am very curious to hear what happens....
Take Care!
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
FYI...
you're right...if nothing is done to stop that behavior...(having her dad lay with her every nite) it will continute well into the teenage years. the first couple times i confronted bf about him sleeping in the same bed as SD9, his argument was "i don't see what the problem is! my mom slept in the bed with her mom and dad until she was 16 years old" ugh! no way, man....no way. it's more than just a child/parent co-dependency....it's also a way of SD knowing the she takes priority over you...it's a security in knowing that you come second. she's too young to realize that's what it is right now....but that's it. i think that's a big fear with most sk's..that whoever there mom/dad finds will become more important than they are to their parents...
Hope he follows through
Jojo
Glad you had that conversation, I completely agree with you about that behavior continuing into teen years because I've seen it happen with my friends SD...sitting on his lap at 16 all the time very clingy especially at big family functions..
It's so hard being a stepparent sometimes... I give you lots of credit!
We all can defininately tell you are being the better person and that you do truly do care for your SD!
I was reading an article in PARENTS the other day that I think gets forgotten in our situations but it is so true...it basically said that if you want happy kids they need to have happy parents and how basically parenting has become way to child focused. Couple lose touch with nuturing their relationships and it hurts the kids and the couple in the long run.
Hang in there and enjoy your weekend!
"In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but
what you have taught them to do for themselves that
will make them successful human beings."
Wow...
Ok, just got off the phone with FH. The endoscopy showed only mild acid reflux. Nothing major. And I'm in shock right now...FH told me that since it's not a major physical issue, he already has talked to his H/R and has 3 therapist's phone numbers to call today to get SD8 in for counciling. WOW. I even asked him, really...I didn't think you were going to get her therapy right away (I know...SHUT UP Jojo!). I was just so surprised. I thanked him and told him he's doing something really good for her.
all I got all misty!!!
YAY!!! Good boy DH!!! Amazing. CONGRATULATIONS JOJO!!!!!
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Yay for progress!!!
Yay for progress!!!
Excellent news!
I'm so happy he has seen the possible error of his ways. In my experience, that's something you have to find for yourself. Things will improve.
Oh -- and one thing I forgot to say last time is something my best friend always tells me (usually when wondering how we're going to pay all of the child-care/camp bills): "Well, it won't be this way forever."
Sometimes I forget that.
We have the appointment!
Scheduled for this coming Wednesday. I want to say Yay, but it doesn't really convey how relieved I am right now. Actually, HE is going to the first appointment alone, I guess so the therapist can get some history (the therapist already knew about the event with BM...everyone in our city remembers when it happened), but then we will ALL be going to the appointments together after that. I feel so relieved right now...almost like I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Optimistic for you two!
That's great news! A BIG step in the right/healthy direction! Very hopeful for you and your family!
"In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but
what you have taught them to do for themselves that
will make them successful human beings.
So glad
for all of you - help is on the way-!!
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2yay!
good job on being able to communicate with DH and finally lay everything out on the table. Its going to take some time but he seems to be seeing your point of view (finally) on SD. I think its hard for any parent to see their child's flaws and come to terms with the fact that if they don't do anything to step in and fix it, they are contributing to the problem. By letting a child's negative and destructive behavior continue, you are indirectly telling the child that its ok to act like that. Sadly, most parents refuse to acknowledge that their child's sh*t stinks and can't handle constructive criticism. Good job for making your point without having DH get all defensive and butt hurt!
Way to go!
Jojo!!!
Awesome news!!! It will take time, but it will also ease your stress right away that something is being done to help SD8!
I am so happy for you!!! (((((((( jojo71 )))))))))
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm