It's Been A While
Well, I haven't been here much. For some reason I felt guilty about it, like I was betraying my DH and SKs because I was complaining, then I realized I need to get it off my chest. How did I realize this? I completely lost it a couple days ago and I have the same feeling I did right before I lost it, so I'm hoping the venting will help keep me away from blowing up. Because I really don't want to 
Now, to the question I have..... I'm having my first biological child (boy) in about 6 weeks. I don't want my SK (there's 3 of them) at the hospital until after the baby is born. For the most part none of them have taken an interest in the baby. I think they pretend because they think their "supposed" to be excited, but I'm pretty sure none of them are really that excited. They are 8, 13 and 14 so they wont' really grow up with this baby or anymore we have together, I dunno, they just don't really seem like they care. (SS14 has actually said "I didn't ask you to have a baby." When we've said they need to start helping out more b/c a baby is coming.) ANYWAY, my MIL is coming into town to be with the SKs while I'm at the hospital, however, she keeps telling me she's going to bring them to see me while I'm in labor so they can experience it or whatever. I was 8 when my baby brother was born and never went to the hosptial, not even to see him after he was born. I just don't want to deal with the preasures of having them in the waiting room. NOt to mention my in laws have no ability to say no to the kids and they'll just be bored and run around and not have any patience and just drive everyone that I do want there up the wall. AND (the most selfish part) I've done EVERYTHING for these kids for four years now, and have had a tubal pregnancy and 3 miscarriages trying to make this baby. Two of the three dont' even acknowledge their BM. So I'm just asking for one day, the day I've been begging and crying for for the last four years to be about me and I don't htink this is unreasonable. Am I being unreasonable????? AM I a horrible person? And if I'm not, how do I tell my DH, and how do I tell my WAY overbearing MIL, who is NOT going to understand my decision????
Grrrr, I knew better than to marry a guy with kids, I knew I should have found someone to experience this first with me as their first.
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Comments
Don't stress
First of all a hospital is no place for kids unless they are sick. I work in the medical field and I just cringe when I see people bringing babies in to see ill family members. Hospitals are full of germs and antibiotic resistant organisms. I've even seen people let their babies crawl on the floors. If you only knew half of what gets tracked into rooms you would faint.
There is no way your MIL will be able to bring the kids into your room while you are in labor UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT. You have the say as to who comes in and who doesn't. All you have to do is tell the nurses who is permitted in your room. Simple as that. So stop worrying already. This should be the most exciting time for you and you need to be as stress free as possible. And tell your husband too that they are absolutely not permitted in your room while you are in labor. If he doesn't like it you can have him barred too!
kids at the hospital
I understand how you feel. Sasha is right about access to the room. No one can come in that you don't want there. Also, how you frame it might help. Perhaps you could tell your husband you want the kids to see the baby so you need to set up a call system to let them know to come to the hospital once the baby is born. They can come after labor and delivery and you've had a chance to hold the baby, figure out breastfeeding, (if you plan on doing that) and relax a little.
If your labor is anything like mine. I wouldn't have known if anyone was in the room or not. I was pretty focused on what was going on. My husband did call the ex to bring the kids and unfortunately for me he didn't give me enough time. I had a traumatic birth so they wisked my baby off right away. When they brought her back, the skids, their mom and grandparents were in the room. I was barely coming to when I looked up to see my "step-wife" holding my baby. I was in a weird state of mind at that point and like a deer who won't take their babies back if touched by humans, I didn't believe it was my baby. It took me a couple of hours. The nurses kept reassuring me but I had a difficult time bonding at first.
On the other hand, having their mother show interest in the baby was a good start for my skids. My mistake was not to treat my kids all the same and bring the sk's over to hold the baby and treat them as if they should know her and teach them how once we got home. I let them stay away and now 2 years later we have problems.
Anyway that may sound like a lot of opposite replies, but what I am trying to say is that YES it is your day and it is about you and this baby, then your husband then the kids and other family. So take care of yourself and ask for them to come after the baby is born and you are ready. I think that is totally fair.
Congratulations and good luck
Kathleen
I know what you are saying.
My son was born 11 weeks ago this Wednesday. We had only DH & I there while I was in labor. I too had a tubal the year before and almost died. My pregnancy this time was pretty rough & my sunshine came early at 36 weeks.
I personally am glad no one else was there during the labor part (24 hrs & then ended up having c section)It was mine & DH's special moment. However he had BM bring kids to hospital right afterwards. That was my issue, after I was moved up from recovery the kids & my parents all showed up at the same time, so my first moments with the baby were with others around as I tried to breastfeed for the first time. My DH was insistant that the kids be the first to hold him after us. They are 9 & 7 & were very excited to have a baby brother & after having the c section I wanted my mom there when I got out. If I had my way the kids would have come the following day & DH would have switched weekends so he & I could have come home alone with our son. If I had a do over I would have insisted.
You are the one having the baby & doing all the work. He has done this 3 other times so you tell him what you want. I had my one good tube tied after the c section so my little is it.
Congrats & remember to enjoy every little moment, they are precious. Being a BM is sooo much better than being a step mom. My sunshine is truly the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Thanks
Thank you for all the advice, I'm hoping DH will react okay to me telling him I don't want his kids there until after baby is born and I've had a chance to shower and breastfeed. I want my siblings there (my mom passed away 3 years ago), so we'll see how it goes down. I really need to let him know soon, b/c I've been having off and on contractions the last couple days.
I again, can't thank you enough AND I'm so excited to be a BM finally after 4 years of trying!!!
Congratulations!!!!!
Of course the kids should not be there until you're good and ready. From what I've read in your bio, you've done more than your fair share for your skids and I'm sure they would be the first to agree that they would rather wait to see the baby. Who wants to sit in an emergency room for hours on end!?!
I did the same thing with "uninvited" people in the waiting room, nurse told them they couldn't go in. It's all personal preference. My girlfriend had a whole slew of people in her delivery room. Me - no thanks. They can all come when I've had time to recuperate a little bit.
Thanks again
I kinda feel the same way! There's people I want there and people I don't, sorry I don't want the step kids there. I'm anxiously waiting for the right time to bring this to DH and my MIL's attention. I'm pretty sure this is not gonna go over very well, but it doesn't matter, this is my first baby and this is what I want
THanks you, thank you, thank you! I'll keep everyone posted.
Dawn
Say what want and need don't wait until you are in hospital
Hi, I hope you're doing well and not having a difficult conversation in the middle of contractions. My thoughts as I read all of these posts, including mine earlier is: Tell him what you want rather than what you don't want. So for example. I really want the labor and delivery to be with just you and me. After delivery I want my sisters to come in. Once I'm showered and rested and have figured out breastfeeding, I really want your kids to come and meet the baby.
This might help him be less defensive and get you what you need. Remember, having a baby is a primal experience. It's not about what other people want. I hope that helps. I'll be watching for news. Good luck!
Kathleen
I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau
Let someone else fight this fight for you...
Usually, when you pre-register at the hospital for your delivery, you can give a list of people you want there and a list of people you don't want there. You can also let your L&D nurse know what you want and she can help keep the visitors out until you are ready for them. When it comes down to it, the new mama gets to choose, since we're the ones going through the delivery.
~ Anne ~
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Can't you just
wait to call the MIL until it's all over and done with? You are not unreasonable or horrible. And there is NO WAY a 14-year-old or younger should be at all an observer of a birth!!
I had a similar conversation with my guy about this -- I don't want anybody there except him, and he'll be at the top of the birthing chair during the delivery, not watching! So far, he's agreed.
I decided we'll call everybody afterward. No way is BM visiting me in the hospital, either. Somebody in my family or his can pick the skids up. That is just a horror show to wake up and find your baby in BM's arms!!
I don't know if it is just because I am pissed at my DH
I am so tired of DH's thinking we are supposed to be sooooo self sacraficing for their kids that you can't even have one private moment to yourself and him. You shouldn't have to be concerned about what these children are up to while you are having a baby!!!! Unbelievable!
kids role
My husband and I agree. Not that we don't fall out at times but we agree on this. We come first, then our marriage then the kids. If we aren't healthy, neither is our marriage. If our marriage isn't healthy, neither will our kids be. We need to stay strong and together to make a healthy home. So... Get this settled before you have this baby. It is time for you, to bring this life into the world. His kids do not NEED you right now. Your baby does. Remind him of his priorities and stop putting his kids before you!!!!!
I think fizzyfuzzy is having her baby
The last time she posted she said she was having contractions. We keep chiming in but no word back from her. I can't wait to hear about the baby. Dawn, let us know how it went and all about the new baby.
Kathleen