Avoiding stepchild I use to be so close with
I posted something similar to this a few days ago. I'm a stepmom of the 2 young girls ages 9&11. I've been around for 6 years. The younger one has had some major behavior issues to punching herself to screaming at the top of her lungs trashing her room throwing aweful tantrums that the older one hasn't even come close to doing. She has had issues on the bus for a few years but no real big issues in school. She's been in counseling for a few years now and her mom said they did some other testing and nothing came of it. When she was 6 she told us in discription what her stepdads privates look like and that he "showed her". We immediately reported it and several doctors evaluated her and found no abuse and she changed her story saying a neighbor boy did not her stepdad. She does many attention seeking behaviors and actions and laSt weekend I think my heart has had enough. It doesn't haopen often its prob been about 5x this year but each time is aweful, and so hateful and ungrateful things she says to me and her dad. She says she "can't help it". To me that sounds like anger issues but when ive tried to talk to her parents about it, it's like they both think it's for attention. She's been grounded countless times, we cancelled her bday party last weekend, so many pretty intense punishments and she just doesn't care. Honestly , her and I have had a very close bond, closer than the older one. I do love her dearly and when she's over we are constantly together. My husband punishes but gets weak and crys himself. I may sounder cruel but I just can't stop thinking about all the nice things I've done for her, all the sorrys I've forgiven , all the abuse and my only days off ruined-I'm at the point where I could care less if I see her for a while. I picked up several shifts in oct all on the days they are over. I'm even debating working on the holidays (im in the medical field) just to get away. Idk y but I've completely shut down and don't want to keep trying with this kid. She keeps ruining my little time off and I would just rather work and save money then keep walking on egg shells wondering if my weekend will be ruined. I feel her mom is in deniel and I've heard her on the phone w dh say once that she's afraid of getting too many people involved with her and she's totally against any meds. I feel sad because I have really enjoyed family time when things are good but last weekend she told me she hated me and something about that really has made me want to stay away for a while. My dh is sad but I'm trying to explain that I need to protect my own heart and I feel I can't help this child the way I want to. She's not mine and I get that. Am I selfish for feeling this way? My dh thinks I hate his daughter now but in reality I just want my few days off a month to be pleasant so I'd rather take off days when it's just me and him-we never fight or have issues.
unfortunately DH will never
unfortunately DH will never understand fully where you are coming from. Its normal for bio parents to take things personally when it comes to their bio children. Do whatever you have to do to salvage your sanity. If it means immersing yourself into work and taking extra shifts just to have peace and avoid conflict than do it. DH and BM aren't very concerned about your emotional health as they try to figure out what to do about their child. They don't seem to care about how her behavior affects you so be your own mental health advocate and disengage. Nothing wrong with it, in fact that's how many of us stay married and continue on in a chaotic blended family.
Thank you, I needed to hear
Thank you, I needed to hear that. I keep feeling guilty that I do not want to keep forcing myself to forgive forget move on and be treated like crap again by a 9 yeAR old. My dh even says I don't know how it feels because shes not mine. I almost feel like I'm heartless but this child has made me cry countless times and since I don't see her daily I feel I can't help her as if she were mine. Her mother is barely home so that maybe part of the issue but idk I don't want to have to keep trying to figure it out ya know, it's not my responsibility right?
BioPraents can be so overly
BioPraents can be so overly invested and too close to their crotch droppings to see reality regarding the behaviors of their spawn.
As SParents we do not have the biogoggles of rose color when it comes to our Skids. Sometimes BPs cant handle the the truth of their abject parental failure when it comes to a skid who is toxic. When that happens the BPs often put far more pressure on the Sparent to tolerate the unacceptable behavior perpetrated by the Skids and the BP.
Were I you, I would let know clearly that you do not hate the Skid and neither will you tolerate the presence toxic kid behavior so if DH wants marital and family bliss during the holidays then he needs to step up and take direct upleasant action to control the behavior of his toxic spawn. I suggest that you give DH a paddle during this discussion and advise DH that if he does not effectively address the unacceptable behaviors from the SKid... you will be working over the holidays and will take time off only when the Skids are not present in your home in order to avoid the tensions that develop between you and DH when they are present and not complying with acceptable behavioral standards.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Finally someone else says my
Finally someone else says my thoughts! I'm the one who pushed for her to be into counseling in the first place...but I'm at the point where Its just too exhausting to worry about a kid that's not mine that I can't help. I told my dh I will always be respectful when I see her but I just can't be what I was before. I am working long shifts every day they are over in oct and maybe my feelings will change but at this point in my life I just want to be happy and not have to walk on eggshells or hide in my own home. Just can't do it.
Finally someone else says my
Finally someone else says my thoughts! I'm the one who pushed for her to be into counseling in the first place...but I'm at the point where Its just too exhausting to worry about a kid that's not mine that I can't help. I told my dh I will always be respectful when I see her but I just can't be what I was before. I am working long shifts every day they are over in oct and maybe my feelings will change but at this point in my life I just want to be happy and not have to walk on eggshells or hide in my own home. Just can't do it.
I know this thread is old but
I know this thread is old but I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't like to be around my SD. We used to have a good relationship. She simply ignores me now. I also try to find things to do if/when she comes around, which isn't often.
The complication in my situation is that DH and I have a child together. If not for our LO, I would be gone. I hate spending any time with SD. She's rude, greedy, and fake. I'd rather not.