Advice on how to move forward with this mess as my husband has zero input
So im not sure if anyone has read my past posts. It's been a while. I've really been enjoying the peace.
VERY Long and detailed story short, I've been w my husband 12 years. He has 2 daughters now 15,&17. It's been a long road. First 6 years I'd say we're pretty great for the most part with co parenting between us 4-they have had a stepdad since 6 months after my dh moved out...except now I hear he's moved out but they are still together. I know the girls had a lot of issues with him. I actually called cps on him a few years ago because sd15 told multiple family members that he would kick her and strangle her.
Apparently those were lies because when cps came she denied it...and now bm says they are sooo close. It's weird. I don't care. I only care about ours daughter 3. She's amazing and happy.
Sd17 told her therapist a few years back that we locked her outside in 20 degree weather forcing her to walk home. Therapist let my dh know and sd17 (13 at the time) cried for forgiveness. Within 6 months she again went on a rant to therapist that we are the ones who makes her want to kill herself. Apparently she had many thoughts but no real attempts. Sd15 has had some threats and has gone to the hospital a few times for mental hygiene arrests(mom called). Sd17 had been diagnosed with HF autism and Anxiety. Sd15 bi polar and anxiety.
Anyway, I do not allow sd17 around me or my daughter. I had to hire an attorney to get cps away from us. It was quickly dropped and she was quickly blocked. I did go to lunch with her and my dh and my 3 year old once about a year ago as she tried to make amends...but again she went on how aweful I am causing dh and her to fight again.
As you can see for years now its been on and off chaos. Dh and bm do not talk or co parent and haven't in God knows how long. I stupidly have been nice for so long trying to talk to bm because I know my dh and how he shuts down.
Sd17 now doesn't care to be around us(I do not care either. I've done so much for that kid since she was small im completely done) & she gave sd15 permission to be around us again. For the last 13 months sd15 has called us various aweful names DUE to "not letting her sister over". I said if she was open to therapy I may consider it but they have all refused.
So nowwww sd15 now feels like she doesn't have to be loyal and called my dh a month ago begging to come back. She has refused for 13 months. I at first wanted therapy but since that cannot be forced I said fine for a few hours since she was very close to my 3 year old the first 2 year of her life.
Shes been coming over the last 2 Sundays for about 4-5 hours and really wants to come again this Sunday. Shes been respectful and no issues and I kinda just go do my own thing. Very little convo with her and I. I don't trust her.
Anyway, I'm trying to be kind but very cautious. I think im being pretty nice. I've never told her she couldn't see her dad seperately for lunch but they are not taking my daughter alone and trash talking me. I'm giving this a chance. I know this all maybe confusing but any advice? I need to be cautious I know. I do not want sleepovers yet and I've made that clear. My home is my safe space.
Sounds like you're on the right track
I'd be cautious, too. But as long as she behaves when she comes over, I'd continue to do as you have been doing. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now but with the past CPS history, you cant be too careful. Good luck.
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Do you think
She has the right therapist ? She been going to this therapist you years and it's seems like they are not making any headway, is she on medication ? Maybe she should be, or change the meds ?
Per BM, she can barely get
Per BM, she can barely get sd15 to do zoom therapy but is bi polar but can't do heavy meds until 18? Idk doesn't make sense. I don't ask too much because in all honesty I don't care. I mean I care about my life and my daughter and I think it maybe beneficial to my dh and my dd3 since she truly was connected to her since birth-2 years old but I think since all this chaos has happened and I've gone to therapy myself and have lost all feelings for both kids. It's strange I used to love them like my own and eventually with all my anger and tears I now feel nothing.
Not sure what sd17 does , I know she no longer sees the therapist that she claimed abuse to.
It sounds like you're doing
It sounds like you're doing everything you can, especially working with a therapist since they're helpful with figuring these sorts of things out.
It just shocks me how this young generation, the ones in high school now, are so severely mentally disturbed. I'm a college counselor and have worked with facilities that treat young people who have attempted suicide. It's common now to see people with cuts all up and down their arms and legs. And common for them to be hospitalized for attempts. I plan to research this when I got for a PhD eventually because something is really wrong. A lot of these kids come from healthy homes. Of course a lot also come from disfunctional homes, but this was not as common when I was growing up in the 90s.
Anyway, I think it's good to keep your guard up, but also have a little flexibility for the sake of your daughter.
We're In The Same Boat
I think what you are doing is great. Short visits, no overnights, minimal interaction with the SD. I'd continue with this plan for MANY months. People are good at hiding bad behaviors but only for so long. I'd do this at least 6 months. Personally, I'd never concede to overnights for YEARS, due to what you've shared. The lies alone could destroy your life and have your own child in danger.
My story; I have not seen DHs kids in almost 5 years. He sees them away from our home, a boundary set in counseling. I released that a bit this year, allowing the youngest to come to our home. The first visit, I was away on a girl's weekend. Second visit, I purposefully chose to NOT interact with the man (28 yrs). I was busy in my studio and when I came in the house, I did not go into the den. When he left, I was outside. I told DH he'd have to be fine with that....I'm moving at MY pace. It was me who was almost destroyed by his kids' behaviors. He agrees so I'm handling this on my terms. I foresee his other kids coming here for short visits in the future. Will I interact? Not sure. Don't even worry about it. As I said, I'm in control of this and it will be on my terms.
Stand strong with your boundaries. Boundaries are good and healthy and the only ones who hate them are the people the boundaries affect. And why? Because those individuals CAUSED the need for the boundaries. Let them whine and gripe. Smile and know you will continue on YOUR journey. Best to you.
Absolutely!
THey are our boundaries and even our mate has a say only if we allow them to have a say.
Our home, our marriage, our rules, our boundaries. Mates can support or .... deal with the consequeces they earn... unless they have the stones to fix the behaviors of their prior family breeding failures. In which case, the problems should for the most part be mitigated.
IMHO of course.
Makes no sense
If she is bi pola she need medication now. Not at 18 after she has no life skills because she not going to school. I am afraid to say but some bi-pola people are also have schizophrenia. What seems more like what she also has.
BM BF left because of the craziness with SD. Accusing him of abusing her.
You can not help SD. BM must also have mental illness. So they feed on each other You must disengage, do not let SD in your home if she is off her meds. What she is. These drugs interfere with her sexual feelings. So she will never take them unless she is force to. Keep her away from your kid. Do not let her get CPS involved against you again.
Your situation sounds similar
Your situation sounds similar to mine in so many ways. Wow. So I would suggest to NOT allow sleepovers at all. The 4-5 hours on a Sunday is as far as I would go if I were you and I would only be o.k. with that EVERY OTHER Sunday when my own DD is not around. Do not let your guard down. As Rags says, your home, your boundaries, etc.