Preteen stepdaughters
Hi!
I'm a stepmom of two preteen girls. They are amazing kids and I'm beyond grateful to have met my husband and his daughters. Reading other posts I feel I'm blessed to have such a great bond with them both. I feel very attached and care for them alot. I know my position though and I don't play mom and always respect her wishes. The last 6 years of being in their lives we have had ups and downs with their mom. Mostly ups but lately my husband and his ex have had some diagreements. I only involve myself when court starts to be threatened which it seems it does whenever there's a big fight. 3 years ago there was the first court order ever made but unfortunately it's not really followed. Neither of us want to spend the thousands to go to court and none of the issues have been bad enough to spend 5000 more on lawyers and fees. Anyway my husbands ex enrolled the oldest in an all girls catholic private school. In the orders, it says both parents must agree on big life decisions like this...my dh was never against it but we just couldn't afford it 10k a year which thats what it is...anyway that was one thing another thing was weekends...their mom puts them in several sports and never calls my dh or acknowledges his time if all these events fall on his days. For several yeas he never said anything as sports make the kids happy but lately it's kind of rediculous. All we do is drive them sport to sport every day they r over. I feel she could at least send him a text saying hey I signed her up for basketball and practice and games are always on ur time...but no nothing..she treats him like a babysitter and never involves him in any decisions like sports or school...she recently posted on facebook with her husband how happy her and her husband are that they made this great decision to send her to this new school...which I'm sure u will all say if she breaks the court order go to court
..ya well we cant. I guess the main thing that bothers us is involving the kids. My dh told her if she keeps making all these arrangements on his time without even a little acknowledgment we may have to miss games or practices. We realize most sports take place on weekends but I looked online for one and there were options to choose practice dates during the time she has them. A few days ago she passed her phone to the kids and had them read all the text messages her and my dh sent to each other about him not being included. She said the kids got all upset and "us 3 girls agree we shouldn't have to ask you about sports on your time". It's like she's afraid to loose control so she involves them. The oldest one told us she feels uncomfortable when that happened. It's not that he wants to pull them from sports he just has little time with them and if there's a option to choose different days that's all he asked. I am afraid she will start manipulating them as teenagers to maintain control. We want to have a talk with them and clarify what my dh actually meant but I keep feeling like it's so wrong to have a discussion with them like this and should be between adults. When my dh got into an accident 5 years ago and couldn't work she would tell them she can't afford anything because dad can't pay support right now. Are there mom's out there that really are this honest to kids of 9&11? I remember my parents doing it to me and I felt so stressed. Ugh.
Courts don't treat it like a
Courts don't treat it like a double edged sword. When he broke both his legs in an accident and had all doctors and medical documents in court they still ordered the "imputed income " as if he could work but if they were still together and he got into an accident courts wouldn't order any amount of money to the kids.
I get what your saying though and thanks for commenting.
He got $130 a week from
He got $130 a week from disability and was ordered $160 a week in child support. Isn't that nuts? Thank god we are past that.
Of course always bills to be
Of course always bills to be paid and I totally get it kids need to eat ect but I wish they would have given him a small break seeing as the man couldn't even walk and was black and blue for months. I understand parents who intentionally don't work....I worked 7 days a week then.
She says she told him she
She says she told him she didn't like the public schools so he should have inquired more as if it's on him to blow up her phone and ask a zillion questions. It's already done and she says she never asked for any financial help so it is what it is and we wish her well.
I totally understand that for
I totally understand that for public schools. He actually always called and made his own parent teacher meetings ect when they both went to public but with private all we have is a website which we have both looked into. What my dh was mad about was the actual decision of having her go there...a simple phone call saying hey I found a school I want her to go to, what do you think or maybe just hey I'm enrolling her since she was going to do it anyway. Hisdaughter told us about the decision ya know.
At that time we didn't have 401k savings nothing. Only had 1 car and no assets at that time. We arnt rich but are in a much better financial situation. I've read that unless both parents agree, he wouldn't be ordered to pay for private school anyway. He got 130 a week in disability and was ordered 160 a week in child support. Thank god it was 6 months and not permanent, although I hear if it was permanent it's very hard to get a permanent disability paycheck.
She says she told him she
She says she told him she didn't like the public schools so he should have inquired more as if it's on him to blow up her phone and ask a zillion questions. It's already done and she says she never asked for any financial help so it is what it is and we wish her well.
"never involves him in any
"never involves him in any decisions..."
The issue here is that Dh is waiting around for her to involve him. He's letting her make all the decisions and then complaining about it after the fact.
As a custodial parent as far
As a custodial parent as far as I know that person discusses what they want w NC parent then it goes from there
...am I wrong? If a child primarily lives with one parent then the NC parent is called next right?
"She says she told him she
"She says she told him she didn't like the public schools so he should have inquired more as if it's on him to blow up her phone and ask a zillion questions."
Yes, it is on him to "ask a zillion questions" and communicate w/her if he wants to be involved. Co parenting royally sucks, I know, but DH has to be an active part of the initial decision making process if he wants any say. He can call the school and see when sign ups are for the next sport season. He can talk to his girls and ask what they want to do. He can go write a check...and so on. Instead he's waiting for her to do the ground work and place his stamp of approval on it.
Right bUT isn't that what
Right bUT isn't that what custodial parents do? They think of a decision being a new doctor or maybe new school then their next call should be the other parent that doesnt have them full time. So yes he can't read her mind or know The next conversation so he has to wait for a phone call...
Doesn't the school get a
Doesn't the school get a call? Saying he won't be able to afford the fees - that's going to scare the sh*t out of them - it may well put the brakes on the whole thing for a bit. If BM won't listen or discuss with him...
Perhaps suggest him to place a call with the Bursar (or Director) of the School. He can explain his position and the delicacy of the situation. It may give you a little more time.
It's nice that you get on with the girls. I'm sure you don't begrudge them it. Education is very important - but so is having enough money and not being taken advantage of by an ex-wife through the kids.
Luckily theres no.court order
Luckily theres no.court order or any sort of order involving private school. The ex just decided this this year. Think we stI'll should call?
BM decides to change schools
BM decides to change schools without consulting BF.
BM lets the world know (via SM) she and HER HUSBAND are happy with their schooling decision.
BM approves sports activities affecting visitation, without consulting BF.
BM includes kids in an adult dialogue (text messages) and encourages girls to side with her.
BM tells kids she blames BF for financial difficulties, while BF is disabled and not working.
You said, "I am afraid she will start manipulating them.."
News flash. She's already manipulating them, to a degree that some experts consider child abuse. It's probably been going on for some time but you are just noticing it more now. If your DH doesn't know about parental alienation, then he needs to read up on it. NOW! There are books you can search for which will be helpful.
The BM is making it abundantly clear that your DH is dispensable and is unimportant as a father. That sh!t needs to stop now.
These pre-teen and upcoming teen years are very formative ones. Girls needs to maintain a positive and healthy relationship with their father, or there can be all kinds of negative ramifications. And by a positive relationship with their dad, that means his right to be their father (not BM's husband) and be a part of decisions, discipline, etc. He is not there to just play Disney Dad and hand over cash.
Take it from one who has seen it, both as an alienated daughter and seeing it happen to my SO with his kids. His ex played the same kinds of games and both the skids are messed up. SD thinks she can "buy" relationships/affection with people and tosses them when she's done with them (and is a very unhappy person) and SS is a screwed up waste-case.
I know you can't afford lawyers, but I would encourage your DH to read up on parental alienation and consult with a family counselor on how to address it. It is very difficult when the BM is the perpetrator, due to the strong maternal connection between her and kids.
But at least your DH can be armed with the knowledge to combat it as best he can.
Reading this made me tear up
Reading this made me tear up because I didn't notice the alienation until now and several other things from the past. It makes me so choked up. Before me he never went to court for visitation because she always threatened if he did she would take them away. He has always feared her and does what she wants. I try my very best to keep my cool to keep peace but lately I feel so sad for him. I know he is upset but he is the type who would rather do what she wants and keep peace then really fight for what's right. I feel eventually he won't have much of a relationship with them. Idk. Thank u I finally see what's happening. I love him and the girls so much but there's apart of me that says no stop don't fight so hard and spend all your money in court because that's my life and money too. I've been told as a stepmom I need to be selfish and think of myself so I don't loose out on my own life. Idk I feel quite sad about all this.
Alienating BM + Fearful BF =
Alienating BM + Fearful BF = Screwed up kids
My SO was the same way; he'd rather roll-over than confront. Which meant BM had her way, SO AND his entire FAMILY eventually got relegated to the Land of Inconsequence. What a huge loss for those kids.
In an effort to "keep the peace" my SO has paid a terrible price. His relationship with his kids is now virtually non-existent. That's exactly what BM wanted.
The ultimate result? SS is on the verge of a jail sentence and SD is an emotional car wreck who is "buying" her relationships with people, including gold-digging guys. This is the result which BM helped orchestrate.
I'd ask your DH the following: If your young daughters are not worth fighting for, then what is?
Imagine you are the kid. What kind of message does that send? It says that half of who you are - your father's half - does not matter. It says that your father has no value in your life. That affects the psyche, deeply.
Again, I would urge you to advise him to get with a family counselor who specializes in parental alienation - not just any old counselor. For a fraction of what lawyers cost, your DH can develop tactics to deal with BM's tricks. That can be a lifetime investment.
Aren't his girls worth it?
One book I would recommend is
One book I would recommend is "Adult children of parental alienation syndrome - breaking the ties that bind" by Amy J.L. Baker. Baker is a Ph.D. in developmental psychology from Columbia University.
This book shows that PAS can impact children for the rest of their lives; well into adulthood. Now is the time for your DH to become educated, and understand how damaging this kind of behavior is - while he still has a chance to turn the tide.
The CP cannot dictate what
The CP cannot dictate what happens on the NCP's time... and vice versa. DH needs to put his foot up BM's ass and give the Skids clarity that they nor BM get a say in what goes on during HIS time with HIS kids.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
She now says if they don't go
She now says if they don't go she will take him to court and make sports be mandated. Can she do that?
She can try. However, if you
She can try. However, if you and DH document, document, document every manipulative and invasive infraction she perpetrates it will not be easy for her to do.
Nail her ass to the wall and bring the pain. That is all these manipulative, entitled, and toxic elements of the blended family opposition understand.
Most of all.... have fun doing it. }:)