Bio-Dad drama becomes MY drama
I am the step-dad of boys 10 and 13. Great kids, and pains-in-the-rear all at once, but I have not real complaints about the boys. It's mom and dad that are always the issue (is this a theme).
Bio-dad has had an on/off relationship with a lady that lives down the street from him going on about 4 years. On/off multiple times a year. She has two twin 10yo boys of her own. She has a police record for prostitution, and has been in rehab for heroin, and is currently on suboxone. So yeah, super classy lady. I'm no fan of her, and at this point I'm no fan of his. Because everytime they get back together my life becomes a living and waking hell. The first time they were together and it became a problem I was told very clearly that DW could no longer make me a priority in her life- her sons and work would be priority and I would get the scraps. Since then when they get back together, DW becomes a raving lunatic. DW would stay up entire nights emailing all kinds of crazy stuff to BD, and his not-classy GF, to the point that GF filed a police report. And I got to hear over and over and over and over for years "I never should have left him" or some variation. To which I now reply "You're right". The last time BD and GF got back together, DW got drunk by herself and in the middle of the night woke me to tell me that she was going to have to get back together with him. I know the drill with DW, so I went to another room to sleep, in the middle of that night she opens the door to rant some more, and I put my headphones in (my boundry is to shut off the ravings and insults that come at these times); I can't hear what she is saying but I can tell she's yelling, and then slams the door. Of course once some time has passed I'm the love of DW's life again, and she needs me and I'm the best thing that has happened to her and her boys.
Welp you guessed it- Saturday night I drifted peacefully asleep only to awaken shortly after midnight from a dead sleep to be told that they are back together. Of course I am filled with dread but still half asleep. So I let her fill me in, telling me that she confirmed it with her 13y/o son, and tells me that he and little brother have been hiding it from her (gee, I wonder why). I go back to sleep. Only to be awoken at 3:15am by her frantically rummaging over my nightstand, grabbing my phone and demanding to know my password (a password that I give to her several times a month bc I have nothing to hide, but she can't remember things), and shouting at my angrily about how she can't trust anyone, and demanding to know what I'm hiding. At this point in the relationship I'm accustomed to her "routine" and I tell her that I'm not playing the game this time. I grab my phone and leave to sleep downstairs in the room that has been trashed by our cat and 13y/o 3D printer.
Apologies were dolled out in the morning.
But now she (once again) wants to get an attorney and go after him for custody. Custody was established at the time of their divorce, and since then, one prominant local attorney has advised her that she really has no case and he doesn't want to take her money. But I know that she's on a rip now, and she's been posting on social media looking for attorneys, and in the process filling me in on all of her plans to call CPS, sue him just to make him miserable, and generally grousing and complaining. I know my life is going to be sideways, if not totally upside down for a few months now. She wants me to help make a list of crazy things that BD's GF has done over the years, she wants me to help find an attorney...she wants my full buyin...AND FRANKLY I just can't deal with it. I want a peaceful life. I hate BD because of all I've had to deal with from him. This is a guy that worked to make my life hell when I first got together with DW- ran background checks on me, assured her of how I would ruin her career and her life etc... I am squeaky clean so of course he found nothing...and flash forward, he can't stop this on/off with a hooker-heroin addict. And DW is going to be on this rip for a while. What do I do?
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your DW is not over her ex
I don't know how yoi are living with her. If she wants the ex that bad let her go for it. You know that you are second in her life. The ex is first, first and only. This is no way to live. I don't know why you would want to live this way? You must find an SO who puts you first
What do you want to do? Do
What do you want to do? Do you want to keep helping enable your wife in her addictions? Do you want to get therapy to help you cope with this toxic situation? Do you want to start looking into an exit plan and leaving all of this behind? Are you just looking to vent your frustration?
If one of your SSs ended up with a woman like your wife would you be happy for him or worried for him? Would you talk to him and encourage him to stay with her? Or would you be trying to help him get out of this situation?
If a family member/co-worker came to you and told you this same story, what advice would you offer them?
Why are you still there? Hasn
Why are you still there? Hasn't she stomped on your self-esteem enough yet? If I were you, I'd have packed my bags a long time ago. Nobody should have to deal with what you are putting up with. You deserve so much better.
This is some major
This is some major dysfunction! Has DW ever pooped on your side of the bed? Cuz she sounds unhinged about her ex. She's abusive to you, waking you up to rant and rave. I suggest checking out shrink4men.com and figure out why you are allowing this drama to go on. You want peace? You have to make it yourself. You have a DW problem. What happens in his house shouldn't matter at all unless the boys are being neglected. GF filed a police report on DW. Let that sink in. They probably keep breaking up because of your wife. She sounds like the ex from hell......And you put up with it. DW has told you flat out where you rate, you stayed in spite of the truth. How are the good times that good that they out weigh this drama that DW instigates? There is no magic wand available to fix this. Only hard work, boundaries and therapy for you. Figure out why a woman who acts like this is your chosen one.
I'd stop blaming BD and his
I'd stop blaming BD and his trashy girlfriend and place the blame firmly and solely where it belongs - with your wife. Why in the world would you want to be with a woman who appears to be insanely jealous (due to her ex, not you) and repeatedly tells you that she shouldn't have divorced her ex and wants to get back together with him? Why would you want to be with a woman who demonstrates that level of crazy? Why would you want to be with a woman who has so little regard for you and is, frankly, abusive with her ranting and raving. What kind of relationship is that? If you want to live in peace, you need to summon your self respect and put an end to this drama. Surely you can do better.
Hi Roger
Welcome to the site. I dont know if Roger is your real name, or a moniker, but if its real, I would first suggest a moniker. This sites strength other than the wonderful folks here, is its anonymous nature. If your Not-so-dear Wife and her Not-so-ex did a search theyd find your posts.
So, on to my advice.
Right away, I can spot 4 reasons to bail out and cut your losses:
1. I was told very clearly that DW could no longer make me a priority in her life- her sons and work would be priority and I would get the scraps
2. Since then when they get back together, DW becomes a raving lunatic
3. DW would stay up entire nights emailing all kinds of crazy stuff to BD, and his not-classy GF, to the point that GF filed a police report
4. And I got to hear over and over and over and over for years "I never should have left him" or some variation.
I do not see anywhere that you are insanely happy with this person. Is there an overwhelming reason that you stay? Are you trapped there financially? Do you have children together? Is she so totally amazing all the rest of the time???? Just giving the benefit of the doubt here.
Now I rarely say this as an option, but I would seriously consider leaving. Shes using you to be a father figure to her children. Shes using you period. Unless shes willing to try some therapy and can see that what she is doing is WRONG, I dont see many options. You can try threatening to leave, or try talking with her, but she sounds like shes still into the ex, and she sounds like shes got a problem with alcohol.
Im sorry you are going through this.
How cool would it be if my
How cool would it be if my real name was Rodger Danger?!?!
I wouldn't work at a desk if it was; that's for sure *dirol*
Do you have any clarity on
Do you have any clarity on what exactly is her problem? Is it that she doesn't want her kids around the GF.. and thinks if she was with her ex she would be there to prevent it? Or did her EX dump her.. and she's "ok" when he is single and miserable.. but when she sees him have a chance for being with someone else.. she gets madly envious?
I'm not going to get overly focused on her getting drunk by herself that "one time".. I imagine many people have drowned their sorrows and got in their feelings.. and not every one of them is a bona fide alcoholic. I'm guessing that you would be a better judge as to whether she abuses and uses it as a crutch in an unhealthy way.. if so.. yes.. alanon could help you.. but I'm guessing this isn't the real issue you are having with her.
Her behavior does sound erratic.. and I think counseling would be a next step.. both individual and couples if you are inclined to save things with her.
Thank you kindly for your
Thank you kindly for your reply!
This is 100% the reason. She thinks she could protect them if she were still there. She left her ex, and has no feelings for him and isn't pining to be with him. He dated some other lady briefly years ago and DW was super excited about it because it wasn't the hooker. She's just nutty about her kids; which by itself is not a bad trait...until the nutty is flying my way. Is this a thing other step-dads or moms have gone through?
I guess I'm looking for how to deal with this unfortunate pain-loop in our relationship. Am I a total dick if I tell her- I love you and the boys, and I'll be the best husband and step-dad I can be, but I don't want anything to do with the ex-hubby drama? I fell like I want to set that boundary but I also want to make sure I'm not being neglectful in doing so.
Thank you again for your reply- it is greatly appreciated.
I agree.
Ok Roger that
So, without answering me you answered.
My advice is to disengage from everything step-related. And get better headphones for next time she goes flying monkee on you. Better yet have a door lock.
I think you can absolutely
I think you can absolutely sympathize with her regarding her EX being with the kind of woman he has that on and off again relationship... Though, even if that woman has had issues in the past.. is there any way that you all would know with any certainty if her drug use etc.. is an issue currently?
In some ways, it seems that you are with someone who is often described on this site as a HCGUBM.. or high conflict golden uterus bio mother. She clearly feels that only she is the better parent and only she should have control over her kids. She likely minimizes any influence her EX has.. and when he is dating someone.. she goes extra because she doesn't want any other WOMAN to be near her babies.
Unfortunately, what she may not want to accept is that her EX has just as much right to be a parent and in his children'a lives.. as long as he is not endangering or abusive.. and that she has to trust his judgement as to who he exposes his kids to. She doesn't get to control that. So, unless the boys come home with stories of needles in the bathroom.. and erratic and dangerous behavior? as long as they are fed.. cared for at dad's? She needs to figure out a way to be comfortable with that.
What I might suggest is that you have a calm discussion about how you care for her and it hurts you to see her so distraught.. and that you know it's not healthy for her or for your relationship.. That you would encourage her to seek some counseling to deal with the stress she feels over this. Because you cannot be sucked into her breakdowns every time her EX starts to date someone. It's not fair to you.. and it damages what you have together. While you may sympathize with her frustration over lack of control over the situation.. that unfortunately, we can't control other people.. and as long as her boys are safe and happy.. they deserve to have both their parents in their lives.. and she needs to figure out how to make peace within herself.. because lashing out at you is only hurting the one person who is solidly in her court and it isn't fair.
I can only echo what everyone
I can only echo what everyone else has said.
Your wife is obsessed with her ex. She treats you horribly.
I see you have an adult daughter of your own. What does she make of your situation?
Unless your SSs are in danger
Unless your SSs are in danger at their dad's house, your wife needs to not concern herself with what's going on...she's not just worried about her kids, she's overreacting big time. Her behavior is not "mama bear" protection mode...it's not normal. She's actually putting them in a terrible position by letting them know that what goes on at dad's house leaves her unhinged...that's a huge burden for kids to carry for a parent.
The way for you to get out of the "pain-loop" is to tell her just what you said above, that you have no interest in hearing about the kids' dad. If she wants to freak out about it, she can freak out alone or find someone else to freak out on, but you're done. Saying over and over again that she should have stayed married to her ex is not a reasonable solution and she's lucky that the attorney she talked to didn't just take her case for the money and leave her hanging with nothing. Maybe she needs to find a good therapist or a "co-parenting" coach who can encourage her to let go of what's happening at dad's house. If the kids are not in danger, then dad's girlfriend should be no concern of hers.
You're not your wife's
You're not your wife's emotional punching bag. Her issues are hers to overcome, not yours to overlook.
You tell her flatly what you will and will not tolerate, but that comes with you having to take action. So first - what action are you willing or not willing to take? If you're not willing to leave, then you need to make sure the downstairs room is kept as your second bedroom that is solely yours as your escape for when she flies off the handle. No more 3D printer or cat; that room is yours and yours alone.
Also, when she behaves this way, it's totally reasonable to disengage (heck, I say do it all the time). If it would be better for her to be with her ex to "protect the kids", then let her be super mom. No more helping with school transport, or cooking for her kids, or cleaning up after them, etc.
Your wife isn't behaving rationally, and it's not fair that she starts talking about needing to leave you, or that she can't trust you, or whatever else she goes on a tear about. She's not justified in her behavior. She can be concerned, but the kids are old enough to be told to report any nefarious activity to her or the police. She is specifically being vindictive because she doesn't like the GF, but unless the GF does something to endanger her kids (and I mean actively endanger them, not just have "hobbies" and a career she disagrees with), your wife doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Your wife isn't being reasonable or fair. She's being toxic at best, bordering on emotionally abusive at worst. You don't have to tolerate it and you shouldn't tolerate it. You just have to decide where your line is. You're being beyond reasonable and understanding, to the point of almost placating her atrocious behavior. Stop enabling her.
^^^This^^^
This is bad, very bad. Both of these parents are pretty low rent. Do you even want to stay in this toxic situation? It's classic cycle of abuse. Where are your standards?
Think about what you're modeling for your SSs. They already know Mom gets unhinged and you're all walking on eggshells around her. Instead of drawing a line in the sand or finding solutions, you're teaching them they just have to take abuse from a partner. Do you want the boys to seek out chaotic, abusive women or become abusers when they're grown? They need to be shown it's important to have standards and not accept poor treatment from anyone.
I don't know what previous experiences have conditioned you to think you're supposed to put up with any of this, but this is NOT normal or what a healthy marriage looks like. Your W needs a wake up call and some consequences for her UNACCEPTABLE AND ABUSIVE behavior. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do, and if she won't accept help, you need to get out.
You could be the catalyst for change. When your W is manic, you could grab a go bag and leave the house for a few days. You could take the boys and go someplace safe. You could call the cops, CPS, or a family member for help. You could sit your W down, tell her how her crazy is hurting you and the boys, and she's going to lose all of you if she doesn't get help. You could insist on marriage and individual counseling. Instead, you're staying silent and accepting abuse. Why?
When you were told you get the scraps..:
You should haves dumped her ass.
smh
Why would you tolerate this crap?