I guess maybe I'm just having a bout of moodiness and I just feel pretty depressed right now.

So, this week has been hell dealing with BM even without DH home. You can read my post in the general forum for reference.

Let me give a little background DH and I have not really got to go out child-interaction free since I would say our valentine's day dinner. Since then we moved and money got really really tight the next occurence we though we would be able to BM ended up having a date and there was a melt down by SS so we ended up taking him to dinner with us and skipped the whole date thing. After this we did go out to dinner when it was just us but it almost felt forced because one of his buddies had given a gift card and neither wanted to cook dinner so it really wasn't meant for us. Last time he was home we got to have a nice dinner and watch a movie but it was after we went and got SS's Christmas present so DH could start the work on it so it really again felt forced for the dinner as we were on our way home and it wasn't about us. The next day was supposed to be about us and me getting my new hunting rifle, well the night before when we were watching a movie BM text SS wanted to say good night and she had tried to call - service can be iffy around our house so he called back and after him and SS said good night she mentions she has wedding stuff to do all day and wanted to know if we wanted to get SS mind you she had SS sitting next to her "Daddy can I go with you to the gun show? Please" which meant we were pretty much locked in - this day ended up being irritating with me asking for the keys to the truck because I was fed up feeling like the 3rd wheel with SS all into stuff and it was supposed to be about me, and then he ended up getting to pick our dinner because of a previous deal him and DH made saying when we got him back we could go out to eat. So, since Feb I really have not had time with DH.

Even though DH and I haven't had 'our' time I did get a little time with my family in May which was for my grandparents anniversary and I was exhausted as I just got home from a convention. Then we went to see my family again on Labor Day in which SS ended up interrupting adult time and throwing a fit it wasn't fair he had to go to bed when my nephew did so between that stress and some drama that incurred it really didn't feel like a getaway. I have recently also dealt with a 'temporary' pay decrease which means I can barely even afford to go get my nails done or do something for me rather than necessities, and DH and I have a bill account and then each have our own and I am not one to ask for money especially not if it isn't something that is needed.

Well, BM has been taking every weekend off for the past SIX WEEKS including this one. 2 of them we had SS so I don't complete count - however one was the one where he went to the gun show with us and we found out he actually spent the night at his grandma's the night before BM was just there long enough for SS to call goodnight, and the night of the gun show he went back to grandma's but not until like 8pm....then we get to DH leaving to go back to work the first weekend he spent Friday with MIL,SFIL and his son as his son asked if SS could sleep over, the next night was at one of BM's friends house. He told me at lunch yesterday that he spent all last weekend at BM's friends house DH thought he only spent Friday night but confirmed that he did indeed spend both night...and tonight the friend called DH for him to tell SS good night and this leads me to believe he will most likely be staying tomorrow night as well. So, BM has at least had the last 6 weekends off and I cannot remember how it was before that which just disgust me. You need to spend some time with your kid and have at least one weekend with him while DH is gone in my opinion I get wanting a break but every weekend? The worst part is there is a free historical thing going on this evening and all weekend in town so maybe she will get him during the day?

DH really didn't get a break today and he wasn't even supposed to today. He calls me and tells me him and his captain are going to go bike riding, and go to time square get something to eat and just enjoy the city as they are on dry dock so they don't have to have but one person on the barge at this point. This did irritate me a little but at the same time I know deserved to get away and enjoy himself. My irritation was more of just jealousy because as I put above I can't afford to do anything for me as my money is super tight, and if I want to do something for me that should be my expense in my eyes. This is why we have three accounts.

I know that I haven't had SS or DH home in 2.5 weeks so that should count as getting a break but there was BM issues when he left with SS staying with MIL that I had to deal with as I was the one home, then there was a work convention that was a full week where I was pretty much working until I fell asleep - in fact I fell asleep typing a email to one of the VPs one evening, and woke up at like 2AM to see that I never sent the email. After this was over started the whole BM drama with the lunch, teacher birthday etc (see general forum) and then this week has been consumed by that and massive amount of work doing reports on the convention. So, though alone I still haven't had a chance or been able to afford to do anything as simple as go get a manicure or go to the park and just read my book or anything like that and tomorrow I have to do laundry and sheets for all bedrooms and start the routine of making sure the house is up the DH's get home standards because though it is not messy he likes stuff a certain way.

DH and I are going to a concert Oct 19 for a get away but MIL and BIL are also going so it is only semi about us and I look forward to adult time but it still feels so far away.

I guess in a way I feel like I am over-reacting as I could ask DH for money to go do something but I am not that type of person and though a doctor appointment conversation came up tonight and I said I pushed it back until next time I get paid as I can't afford it his response was 'you could ask me' but 3 days ago he pulled money out of the joint account to cover him until he got paid and though I reminded him today the money still has not been put back into our account so what in that makes it secure for me to ask him for any help even the necessities.

It also came up tonight when DH called to say goodnight that I sound irritated. I ended up refuting it the fact I simply do not feel good (woman issues and with everything going on lately I haven't slept the best). I mean I didn't feel like I could say I was jealous as then he would say I could ask but again if he hasn't put money in our joint account from him borrowing it (something that I know will happen Monday as I will be sure to remind him more than just the one time I did today)how am I supposed to ask for something that is a want not a need....and again I am about being independent when it comes to that stuff. I know I can't bring it up now as I already refuted the claim and he is fast asleep I just feel like I needed to get it off my chest.

I guess I just feel jealous I have not birthed a child but I feel like the BM and DH are getting more enjoyable free-time than I am at this point. I really do not want to feel this way....