Advice please: Absent minded dreamer skid :(
This is pretty long! But I'd really appreciate any suggestions or ideas. I feel a bit silly asking for advice on this. I know others have really bad skid problems and all I'm having trouble with SSstb6 not listening to what he's told, but I'm scared it will get worse as he gets older.
I must say that I've mentioned it on here before and people have automatically assumed he's being a little s***t and not listening on purpose.
I really don't think that's the case. Yes, he annoys the crap out of me and I can't stand being around him most of the time because of his incessant talking, but that aside, he's genereally a good, polite, loving kid.
DH has made sure of that by being very firm with him from day one, and I've never, ever known SS to be *deliberately* naughty or rude.
After he absent mindedly chewed my f***ing dining room chair over the weekend while watching a video, I am seriously at the end of my patience levels with his constant dreamy state and absent mindedness.
The blog I wrote last Tuesday when I totally lost it with SS, was about him (yet again) simply not listening and doing what he's told. I'm so sick of repeating the same thing over and over. I snapped purely because it's something he *knows* not to do. (It also might have to do with the fact it related to DD, and the protective mama bear took over lol) We have constantly been telling him not to do it since she was BORN, 2.5YEARS AGO. This was *not* new information for him.
I must say the things he does are *not serious offences* Just stupid regular childhood stuff like throwing rocks up in the air above his and DD2's head (SS: "like rockets!") things like that.
But every single thing that we tell him to stop doing, he stops, but then absent mindedly went back to after a few minutes as I *honestly* think he just forgets.
He's NOT being deliberately naughty. He is just a dreamer. He *genuinely loves* being told he's a good boy etc. He thrives on compliments and being told how good he is, and is so proud of himself when he does things like tidy his room, he even calls DH and I upstairs to look at what a good job he did etc. You can see the glowing pride in him as he stands there and receives compliments on what a good job he did.
Fair enough, it takes a million times of reminding him what he's meant to be doing when we first ask him to go up and tidy his room, but he *does it* and *does it well* once he's stopped dreaming.
I was messaging a fellow STalker about all this recently. She said "I've read you express your frustration with the fact that you talk to him and he oh so happily ignores you.
If you DON'T stand up firmly and MAKE him obey, you are in for hell when he's 13. If you say "Please don't do that" once and he does it again? Consequences."
The thought of SS not listening as a teen scared me a lot. So I've been trying to think of punishments/consequences for him not listening.
Most of the time we just say "SS, stop that" but it's clearly not working. If it's a pretty bad thing he's done, like hurt DD2.5 (never deliberately btw, it'd be an accident) we'll send him to time out for 6minutes, and you can tell he really doesn't like that. His favourite thing in the world is talking. And if he's in time out he can't talk at anyone (I say *at* because that's what he's like most of the time).
Oh also his timeouts can be kind of hard work with keeping DD2 away from him, she wants to go sit with him and talk to him! lol
But anyway, we can't send him to time out every FIVE SECONDS for not listening, which is honestly how often it'd be. He doesn't even have computer games or a favourite toy we can take away.
He literally just follows DH or myself round the damn house constantly talking at us, whenever we turn round we trip over him. Sometimes he'll decide he wants to go play in his room by himself but that is rare.
Oh that's another thing that's out btw, we tried sending him to his room but when we'd go get him after his time was up, he'd just be happily playing with the toys he has in there. (I've seen other suggestions on here before about moving all the toys out of the room, but we live in a small place and there's literally nowhere else to put them. That's just not an option)
He really enjoys being read to/having a bedtime story, but if we say "You're not having a story tonight" Then we're kind of out of options for the rest of the day, as to things we can take away from him.
There is an outdoor activity he enjoys that DH takes him to, but even if DH told him we're not doing that now because of what you did, he wouldn't mind at all. He'd probably be sad for 0.5 seconds then just go "Ok what shall we do instead?" with a smile.
He's such a Pollyanna child that he's happy with anything. It's not like he doesn't *care* that we scold him, he just gets over it quickly and doesn't even really mind that much.
He enjoys doing *anything* really. Always happy/content with whatever we decide to do. Most of the time when he comes for weekend visitation that's when DH and I have the time to do boring things we need to do. Like go to the store/tidy the house/put shelves up etc. And he's happy with that.
He *enjoys* chores. So even *that* is out for a punishment. If we tell him he needs to clean the mud off his bike, he ENJOYS gettin an old toothbrush out on each spoke and says "What can I help with now that I'm done?" with an eager excited smile!
Just over this weekend I was hanging laundry and he was playing with a few small toys elsewhere. He came to find me to see what I was doing, and when he realised, he asked if he could help me hang laundry.
Once, after lunch, DH said "Ok now you can do the washing up SS!" in a joking voice. SS *jumped* up with a huge smile and said "Ok! Will you help me move a chair to the sink so I can reach?"
We all laughed and I said don't worry about it sweetie I'll do it.
But really I mean how the f**k are you meant to discipline a child who just doesn't get into bad moods/is bothered by any consequences?!!
Finding his currency (the only ones I can think of are his bedtime story and his outdoor activity) and taking them away just really doesn't seem to bother him that much.
He's a Pollyanna child. He's happy whatever the f**k we do. Even if he's yelled at, (by DH, I never raise my voice) he's upset for 0.5seconds, recovers quickly then carries on merrily with his day.
I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to make him listen. I don't know how (or if) I can stop him from being so dreamy. Sometimes, all the stupid little things he does happen in such quick succession that I can't even keep up with what they all are, so like I said I can't send him to time out every time he doesn't listen.
So. Two questions:
1) How are we meant to give consequences for not listening, when each thing that happens is usually within one minute to the next?
2) How to discipline a child who just doesn't get into bad moods/is bothered by any consequences?
Any ideas? :/
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Comments
When I was younger we had
When I was younger we had this mat. The time out mat. And you literally had to sit in the time out map and stare at the wall. Get one for him and one for daughter - they know you only go to mat when you are bold. And stay off them otherwise
Maybe that could work to have designated time out space
Also I wonder if you could do positive reinforcement with a jar and jelly beans . Start week with 20 jelly beans - if you do well you get more but if you don't listen you lose sweets. On Friday you get to eat the sweets?
Or can you get him to confirm he heard you and understand? Like say you say ' go brush your teeth' ask him after ' do you know what to do?'
By having to repeat it back you can maybe lodge it in his brain at bit more
Could you ask him to go to his room and play sometimes as well if he is especially underfoot?
I still think you handled the weekend great tho
My parents made us "go to
My parents made us "go to bed" if we were mad. We had to literally put on our pajamas and get into bed and go to sleep. I am a horrible sleeper now, maybe it's related to that punishment? lol.
Has the child been evaluated for any adhd or autism spectrum things? It does seem a little odd that a kid that wants to be "good" keeps going back and doing the wrong thing.
awww he sounds like a
awww he sounds like a sweetie. here's something you can try - ignore unwanted behavior as much as possible (if it needs to be addressed, do so briefly and move on - like a shake of the head, or a simple "dont do that.") and then make certain you address all positive behavior, kind of a positive reinforcement?
also you could get something to startle him (a buzzer, a whistle, a bell, something) to break into his brain when he appears to be ignoring you. i'd sit down w/ him and explain that it's to help you get his attention when his mind is thinking of something else.
My friend used to have her
My friend used to have her "time outs" in the bathroom. I laughed when she first told and asked her why?? She was having the same problem you were... going to their room meant playing with toys and that was not a punishment, so she had a time out chair in the bathroom. They hated that, because there was nothing to do, nobody to talk to etc.
Sounds like he just enjoys talking and being around others, so hitting him where it hurts would be to isolate him. I agree with Lady...don't take away reading!!! It is so very important at this age!
I have a 6 year old boy and he generally doesn't test me because he knows I'm not kidding around when I threaten a punishment. When he was younger, he'd whine and argue about having to pick up his toys. I calmly told him that was fine, that I would pick them up but if I did they were going in the garbage. I don't think he believed me until I went and got a garbage bag and started heading for his stuff. He has NEVER argued with me again. One time he was throwing those little pebbles at the playground... it was just like your SS, not to be mean or anything, just an absent minded "boy" thing. I told him once not to do it, that it could hurt somebody and that if he did it again we were leaving. About 15 minutes later he forgot and did it again. We immediately left. He cried and screamed and was very upset.. but guess who has NEVER thrown a rock again... and who will actually look at me with the "mom! can you believe this kid?" look when he sees other kids throwing rocks.
If you threaten a punishment, you HAVE to follow through and the punishment has to be something is very un-enjoyable for him.
You sound like the kind of
You sound like the kind of parent that will strongly disagree, but I think a quick swat to the fanny after he ignores a first request to stop doing X is in order. If he likes praise so much, finding out his failure to respond made you or DH that upset might spur him into action.
i dont know if i'd go just
i dont know if i'd go just that far yet. he actually sounds like a young version of me - i'm a.d.d., inattentive type. my parents used to call me motor mouth - if i felt comfortable around you i'd just ramble on and on and on. i'd also space out and tune out, and they'd repeat something to me like three times before i finally said "huh? oh." to this day i still have a hard time staying on task, as my brain will take a detour - for example, i started putting the groceries away and when i pulled out the crackers i sat down with some cheese that had been calling my name for a week (but we were out of crackers!) i got around to putting the rest away like an hour later.
i'm not hyperactive, but do have some repetitious behaviours - i was HELL on pen-caps all through school, just gnawing on something as i worked.
my parents were strong disciplinarians and most of it worked with me. but it wasnt until i was around 14 that my dad realized all he had to do was just LOOK at me wrong and i'd start crying - i hated to see him disappointed, and he realized that was the single most effective way to deal with me.
OP's ss is still very very young, but it doesn not sound to me like ODD. he sounds to me like a sweet kid who can be a total space cadet, who just needs different ways of prompting certain behaviors.
oh absolutely! neither my
oh absolutely! neither my brother nor i have ever been medicated for it - we werent treated for it in any way, shape or form - we came up with our own coping techniques. but at least having sunny's ss assessed can open the doors for different behavioral modifications to be tried, so the kid wont get frustrated and the parents wont exaust themselves dealing with him!
Our time out spot is the same
Our time out spot is the same for both SSstb6 and DD2.5. They stand in the hall, facing the door/corner. (Neither of them ever seem comfortable enough in that spot to sit down and make themselves comfy lol!) There's nothing in that hallway apart from a few pairs of shoes. Very boring.
We usually shut the other door behind us when either of them are in time out, with the rest of us on the other side of the door having a nice time, while they're in the boring hallway on their own. But like I said it's hard when SS is in timeout as DD wants to open the door and go play with him lol! I like the bathroom timeout idea DaisyDuke, there is a baby gate inbetween so DD wouldn't be able to get to him!
Amcc, the jellybean jar idea is really cute, I remember hearing about that with marbles or coloured stones too. But I *really* like the idea of getting SS to repeat back stuff. That could work. Will be trying that for sure.
Notthemomma, when you said about the jacket on the floor all I could think of was the 2010 version of Karate Kid movie lol! We've done the whole "why shouldn't you throw rocks?" thing (after the fact) and he always knows perfectly well why he shouldn't have done it, because he remembers from when I tell him not to.
Whenever I tell him to stop doing something, I *always* explain why. It's not a conscious thing, I just find myself automatically explaining so he'll get why I told him to stop. "Don't do that SS, because (fill in blank) could happen, and that would hurt a lot/make DD sad/whatever" can't think of an example right now lol!
But I think I'll step up the asking him questions thing a bit more. Maybe combined with Amcc's idea of repeating things back.
We do the praising thing too, purely because both DH and I always feel like we're *constantly* on his back :/ and my dad always used to say for every time you tell a kid off, try and think of two compliments about what an awesome job they're doing, whatever it is, however small it is. So he does get a lot of positive compliments throughout the day too.
Furkidsforme, if it's a pretty bad thing that's been done, I have no problem giving DD2.5 a pop on the butt then sending that butt right on over to time out lol! But there's no way in heck I'd do that to SS. He's not my kid. DH does sometimes, but it's kind of evolved naturally that that's reserved for *quite extreme* bad behaviour, rather than just not listening.
Neither kid does things bad enough to get a swat very often, I can't remember the last time for SS. But for DD2.5 it was actually just earlier today, I caught her attempting to climb up a really high piece of furniture, ok she hadn't gotten very far off the ground by the time I discovered her plan, but I felt it was serious enough for a pop on the butt and a time out.
I'm not sure if DH would be comfortable swatting him every time he went back to doing something after being told to stop :/ There are days when it's literally within a minute or two! Also SS might not be able to sit down ever again, and DHs hand would be falling off. I'll ask DH what he thinks about it, but like I said it's kinda always been reserved for *really* bad stuff.
No evaluation for adhd/autism, I really don't know about that, I think he might just need a kick up the butt, and for us to change a few things in how we deal with him.
But if there truly is a non listening gene, we're *screwed* because BM is exactly the same. You say something to her and she literally does not hear what you are saying. It doesn't actually "go in" to her brain. Some of her answers to DHs emails, he has read and he's been like "Whaaa?! That not what I said AT ALL!" Oh jeez. Wish me luck that he'll grow out of it and become more like DH, who is so wonderful at listening and being attentive.
Thankyou so much for all your suggestions guys, we'll be trying some of them, and keeping up with others that we've been doing already. x
My younger cousin was a
My younger cousin was a terror in school. Not mean or bad just talked a lot and wanted to wander around. And NO punishment seemed to affect him at all. He was so happy and good natured. He'd be like "wow I get to sit in the corner". Drove the teachers and his parents crazy.
He's now a happy, successful 50 year old man with no criminal past.
But he had a son just like him. We have teased him about this for years that he got what he deserved. But his son is now 20 and is a successful young man in the military. So it all seemed to work out.
Mine has hit he teen years
Mine has hit he teen years and is still a flake. If you figure it out, let me know. I've already had to make it known that no way in hell is he going to be driving ANY of our vehicles when he hits 16, I don't need a lawsuit when he is off in Lala land and plows into another car or worse.
I have 2 boys just like this,
I have 2 boys just like this, they just do not listen... the best thing I did was to start a reward system, get some tokens of some sort, and take one away every time you have to remind him more than once to do something. Keep in mind he's still little, you can't expect him to have more than a 15 minute attention span. If he keeps all his tokens for that day, you put a sticker on his chart or paper or whatever, if he gets 20 or so stickers, take him somewhere special.