What to do?
Okay everyone. I went back to work in April and I'm still adjusting. While it's great that I only work 3 days a week, I also work 12.5 hour shifts so I'm gone for like 14 hours and I'm just tired when I get home. On my days off, I'm running around, doing laundry, food shopping, trying to "look good" with my hair and nails done which I still need help with as that always takes the backseat to everything else.
Anyhow, the time is drawing nearer to SS5 coming to visit. BM2 states she is starting "clinicals" and would like SO to take SS5 for the entire summer. I personally think it may be just her wanting to feel like SS5 has time with his dad, which is understandable. Again, SO's work schedule is M-W 4p-midnight. He leaves at about 1-2 pm if he goes to the gym beforehand and he gets home like 1am. I don't see how much time this kid is going to have with his dad. Which is still none of my concern anyway. I asked SO if he had the sitter lined up and he said he has to call her. I personally don't know of any sitter who will watch a child until 1am who is also affordable.
I wrote a post about this before and the issue is that I already help him with SS15 and SS10. SS15 now has a girlfriend and he's pretty independent so he doesn't need much from me and is not attention seeking. He's pretty much on the phone with the gf all day at this point. SS10 needs constant attention and he will be attending summer school. I had SO put SS10 in boxing after school because SS15 is in boxing and they get home at about 8pm and go to bed by 10 so it frees up my time. In theory.
Because SS10 has now lost most interest in boxing and so has SS15. They pretty much hang out with some kids from where we live in front of our building. I now feel like SO is going to try to pawn off SS5 on SS15. Which means that they will all be home when I'm there. So what do I do when they are hungry? Or if they fight? Because then, I'll still be involved and I don't want to be! And I don't know if it's right to just tell him to not leave SS5 with SS15 because that's what he would probably do if I wasn't around. I just don't want to help! My time is taken up by work and parenting. I don't want to parent another child. I just want to enjoy my daughter and I'll help with the other kids but I don't want to end up taking the 5 year old also. I thought about taking off but I don't want to have to leave the comfort of my home to prove a point. And I don't know if it's fucked up to help with everything else but the 5 year old. It's not the 5 year old himself, it's the idea that it's added unnecessary responsibility FOR ME. If SO could handle it on his own, it wouldn't be an issue, but he can't handle the ones he has now. And his response is: He's my son too! I have to spend time with him!
He doesn't get it.
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It seems like she wants him
It seems like she wants him gone the whole summer....
It is his kid. He has a right
It is his kid. He has a right to have him around. If he wants his 15 year old to watch his 5 year, he can. My daughter use to watch my son, she is 6 years older, during the summer since I worked full time. It is what it is. This is what you married into.
Which isn't a problem with me
Which isn't a problem with me honestly. Thing is that if SS5 is hurt or needs food, is SS15 going to provide that assistance? Probably not...so if I'm around, is it fair that I don't help? If he was at a sitter, she would handle those things but because they will be home, it would probably be messed up if I don't intervene.
How does SS15 and SS10 feed
How does SS15 and SS10 feed themselves now on Monday-Wednesday? If they manage to feed themselves the SS15 can manage to feed the SS5 too.
If Dad plans on leaving the five year old with the 15yr old, Dad needs to make sure the boys have food to zap or heat up or whatever and that they have a plan with who to call/what to do. A normal evening and the 5yr old should be going to bed by 8:30ish. Dad will need to make sure SS15 knows to supervise a bath and pjs. I would think if Dad is asking his oldest son to commit to three evenings a week all summer, Dad is planning on paying the SS15 for his efforts. Making it a paying babysitting job will help motivate SS15 to take the duty seriously. Dad also needs to forego the gym on his working days. It is an unnecessary couple hours where he could still be home.
My own teens were not like
My own teens were not like that (the now older ones nor the one 15 herself now). My SS was not like that either.
No bubble burst for me...I suppose some parents raise lazy, helpless, selfish kids/teens while others don't.
Wait a minute Sally, your son
Wait a minute Sally, your son said that to you, and you let him get away with it?????:jawdrop: What he said/did was both rude and defiant.
My son may have THOUGHT that, but he would have never said it. He would have done what I told him to do.
I don't know what kind of
I don't know what kind of teens you know.
Plenty of kids spend the summer hanging out with older siblings and cousins while their parents work.
All dad has to do is make the kitchen is full stocked~lunch meat, snacks, fruit,....Dad can grill up a bunch of bugers, hot dogs and chicken. The 15 year old can pop those things in the microwave for lunch and dinner.
He can take the kid to the park or out to ride his bike for a few hours each day.
I understand the OP not wanting to watch the kid. But to then turn around and object to husband's solution is just wrong.
I objected because not only
I objected because not only would I not leave my DD with Ss15, SS15 told me he doesn't want to watch SS5. Sometimes he gets tired of watching SS10 which he's been doing since forever. SO had SS15 watch SS5 when SS5 was 3. SS15 just wants to do summer youth and he goes to boxing in the evening plus now he has a girlfriend. I wouldn't leave my kid with a teenager who doesn't want to watch them.
When you say summer youth, do
When you say summer youth, do you mean a job with SYEP? If so, has he been given a job yet? If he's working with a day camp, then dad can try yo enroll the little in the same camp.
Kids in the SYEP program only work Mon-Thursday. So they will still be home on Friday.
Do you mind if I ask which borough you're in? I grew up and still live in Brooklyn.
Yes it's the job with SYEP.
Yes it's the job with SYEP. As far as I know he hasn't been given a job yet but it was the same story last year and he ended up getting a job anyway. He loved it and wants to do it again this year. I'm born and raised in the Bronx.
Have dad look into getting
Have dad look into getting the kid a job working at a day camp and enrolling the younger one in the same one.
Many of that camps that use SYEP kids are free or dirt cheap.
I'll have him look into it. I
I'll have him look into it. I think this is the best idea yet.
When you say summer youth, do
When you say summer youth, do you mean a job with SYEP? If so, has he been given a job yet? If he's working with a day camp, then dad can try yo enroll the little in the same camp.
Kids in the SYEP program only work Mon-Thursday. So they will still be home on Friday.
Do you mind if I ask which borough you're in? I grew up and still live in Brooklyn.
That's a tough one, because
That's a tough one, because the 15 year old is too young to drive so you know if they need something you'll still be called upon. It sounds like you're out of the house 3 days per week, which is good. Do your work days overlap with your DHs? If they do then it may not be a huge issue. It's also tough because you don't sound disengaged with the other two, so there may be an expectation you'll help out with SS5.
I would probably do the following:
Try to align your work schedule with your DH as much as possible so on your off days he's off too.
Tell DH he needs to get a sitter. Realistically the sitter doesn't need to stay until 1am, just bedtime, which should be early for a five year old. Maybe an older high schooler with a drivers license looking to earn some summer cash.
Go about your business as usual. Ie leave to get your nails done, take your bio to the park or whatever. Don't intervene with SS5 unless someone's in danger of losing a limb.
I think the situation will implode on its own - I don't know many 15 year olds who want to be full time caregivers to a 5 year old. Make your DH figure this out and don't step in to help - none of this is your job.
Is the BM in medical or nursing school? Those clinical rotations can be rough with overnight call so I don't have a problem with her dumping the kid on dad. It is HIS child. He will need to figure it out.
I think it may be social work
I think it may be social work clinicals because thats where her degree is, but I did encourage her to do nursing school when we were speaking so I'm not sure.
Whole summer ...NO way
Whole summer ...NO way
I'm surprised how often we
I'm surprised how often we get caught up on the ages of kids and what that automatically means they can or cannot do...
Pretty sure the 5 year old will be fine with the 15 year old. Sorry you're in this situation, but I'm also pretty sure that if you plan to not change your routine (go run your errands, get your nails done, whatever) on the times the 15 year old is in charge, you'll be fine too. By staying away during some of this time, you won't be tempted to step in, and he'll be forced to deal with anything that comes up.
I just looked at the OP's
I just looked at the OP's bio. She lives in NYC. Having the younger kid hang with the older kids is a no brainer.
Dad doesn't have to worry about meals. The kids can just walk to any public school (elementary or middle)that is taking part in the summer breakfast/lunch program and grab a tray. The program is free for all kids regardless of income.
The boys can head down to the local pools. (Free and there are lifeguards).
On Tuesdays, dad can leave money for them to go to the movies~ only $8 all day several places. There are tons of free/-lOW cost things they can do around the city. All the 15 year old has to do is round up a bunch of friends from their building and/or on their block and go have a blast.
That sounds like an awesome
That sounds like an awesome program! The breakfast lunch thing.
I totally forgot about free
I totally forgot about free school lunch and the free pool in the summer! Thx for the ideas!
Maybe the solution is already
Maybe the solution is already in the works. Maybe DH is getting childcare lined up for SS5. That way DH can take SS5 to daycare at 1 pm. You can pick up SS5 around 7-8 pm and then its nearly time for bed. They days you don't work, SS5 still goes to sitter and again, you can pick him up later. You will still have your free time.
I can't stand my SS's most of the time but I wouldn't want them at a sitter until 1 am. Unless it is family like a grandparent or something in which SS5 could just spend the night and DH could pick him up in the AM.
Fact is I understand DH wanting his child for the summer, and it would be a good compromise.