If someone shows you who they are
Believe them the first time. Almost 4 months SS20 has been living with us. He did eventually get a seasonal position at a retail store, but after 3 weeks, they stopped giving him shifts. This was December, so he had been living with us for about a month before he was able to get that position. DH was also given a great contract, so he's been working, and it's been a help, but it also feels like because he's working, he's not making it a priority on a daily basis to see what SS is up to.
January rolls around and I start wondering if he's applying to jobs, because he's obviously not in school, and not doing anything all day. I snooped through his gmail and saw that he only had applied for a few jobs. I told DH to ask SS to show him proof of his job application process and he began sharing a note. Every morning I ask DH what SS is planning for the day and it ends in arguments, because he says he's on him but here we are and still no job.
Towards the end of the month I told SS he has to find a job by March 1st or he has to leave. I also told him he can't stay home all day, he has to leave from 9-5 to find work. I've noticed that he waits to see if we left, and he comes home early at times. The vibe is then tense, because I'll ask why he's home early, and he'll make an excuse about how he left his bag. I snooped through his garbage and saw he is still vaping and smoking. I feel so disrespected in my home, and the fact that I have a DH who doesn't enforce the rules is beyond comprehension for me. He says he speaks to him, and said he's going to force him to go to the military, except I don't believe SS can or will stop smoking so they won't take him.
Part of me feels bad, because 20 is still youngish, but I have to raise DD10 the best I can, and I don't want that kind of energy or person around her. I've given him the opportunity to stay with us and get work, but he drags his feet. Yesterday he was gone from 9a-7pm... and only applied to 1 job. I just don't get it. I see now how SS is a product of DH's lack of parenting, and there's still an ick factor for me when I try to look at DH as a man who is a "protector" of our household. I did do this to myself and I have to undo it somehow.
- SMto3's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Gone all day
Back in the day, when our 5 were young, DH87 used to talk about other parents of slacker kids. "I would never let my kids lay around. They'd have to be out of the house all day, I don't care if they sit on the Quik Shop curb all day, they have to be out of the house". We know how that changed when OSS was holed up in his room here for months before finally seeking work (excuse: depressed) and SD was here for a year without working (excuse: too sick,).
March 1 is approaching. Will
March 1 is approaching. Will your DH back you up re: SS having to leave?
I like your proactive approach but I also feel angry for you, because you are right: Your DH should be actively parenting his kid.
Does your SS have any interests?
Agree, DH is failing this kid
Agree, DH is failing this kid. At 20, he's wasting away at OP's house, neither learning nor earning. At this age people have more energy and more learning power than they ever will again.
Simple solution. Re-key the locks. SS is out at 0600 daily.
Simple solution. Re-key the locks. SS is out at 0600 daily and not allowed back in until 1800 or until daddy is home whichever is the later. As soon as he sets foot back inside the home, he has to dive into an exhausting chore list.
If daddy is on contract out of town, SS is out until daddy returns. This is a 20yo not a 2yo. He can finish growing up on his own time and own dime.
We dealt with this with my SS when he was struggling with growing up. He graduated from HS at 17. His SpermClan had guilted him into not going to college so that they would not have to pay CS directly to SS for another 3yrs. We had made it clear that he could go to any school on the planet for college on our dime that he applied and got accepted to though he would have to require that the SpermClan kept paying CS per SpermLand regulations. He made zero applications.
So it was burning platform time to get him to launch. His mom and I lit the platform on fire, kept it fueled, and his tail feathers singed until he jumped into adulthood. Since he chose not to go the college route, he had to get a job if he wanted to continue to live in our home. Nope, he was not interested in that. So.... we turned him into our beck-&-call boy/chore bitch. He had a shit ton of chores to do daily including preparing cooking, serving dinner, then cleaning up after. If he got his chores done before the end of the day he could stay and do it all again the next day. M-F. If we took a trip, he was with us. If we went out for dinner, he was with us. But, there was zero tolerance for failure to do his daily exhaustive and continuously growing chore list. If he did not get it done, he was on the curb when we left for work the next AM. No food, no water (except the garden hose). HIs only shelter was our pack yard covered patio. When we got home from work he had to get the previous day's chores done and the current day's chores done before we left for work the next day or .... on the curb. He tested us twice. Both times he spent all day figuring his shit out for himself. Since he was not working he had no money. He had no transportation, and we lived several miles from any convenience store, etc... so. He was hungry and he was cold, or hot, depending on the weather at hand.
After 4mos he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program to get the job he wanted. He reported to MEPS to travel for basic 4mos after enlisting.
He is approaching his 14th service anniversary and is 6 years from his full military retirement when he can draw his pension every day for the rest of his life with full lifetime medical benefits. He figured it out. He had no choice.
He has thanked us a number of times over the years for holding him accountable and forcing him to get into adulting even when he didn't want to.
The most memorable incident during the burning platform period was the first time he was put on the curb and locked out of the house as his mom and I headed to work for not completing the previous day's chore list. It was late summer, early fall and HOT. When I got home I found him spread out on the pack patio, it was covered so he was not baking in the sun. I opened the back door of the house asked him what he was doing. He was mad as hell. He complained that he had no water and was dying of thirst. I started laughing and introduced him to the green thing coiled on the wall of the house next to the patio and demonstrated how a faucet and garden hose worked. He just stood there in slack jawed shock then started sucking down water like a dry desert cactus. I really started laughing at that point as I walked back into the back door that was standing wide open. He could have come in and had cold water at that point.
Lite the platform. Fan the flames. Induce escalating misery until he jumps.
One thing we did to support him getting his chores done every day was disabling the WiFi and cable TV every AM when we left for work. I think he hated that even more than he hated the chores.
Fly little birdy, fly.