That is the question. This will be long. 

 

I don’t know what to think anymore. Last week Thursday, I complained to DH I didn’t feel he was giving me the attention I wanted as a woman. I know he’s struggling with the ED thing but it doesn’t always have to be about sex, we can cuddle, hang out, hug, whatever. 

He said he just needs a day where I’m not complaining about what he doesn’t do. 

 

I decide to take him up on this challenge and try not to complain. Except 3 days later, he decides he wants to go hang with his friend, but didn’t realize friend was at work. When he got back home, I asked what happened, he told me and I said “maybe you can invite him over after work” and he replies with a condescending tone “I already TOLD you, no one is coming over”. 

 

This stems from the whole sleepover disagreement. He said that since I wasn’t okay with his kids sleeping over, he wouldn’t invite anyone “on his side” over and since it’s “my house” I can just do whatever I want. 

So I called him out on that he doesn’t want me to bring anything up but he’s speaking to me i a way that is triggering for me. 

 

He wouldn’t own it at first and so I started in again about how it wasn’t fair that because HE will not compromise on starting with sleepovers vs starting with short visits, he’s being spiteful. He said he doesn’t understand why not inviting his friends over is concerning to me, and I tried telling him it’s because of how he brings it up, like if he’s punishing himself or me. I don’t know if he truly doesn’t get it, or if he’s faking not understanding. He asked me to “just leave it alone”. I tried but I couldn’t. 

 

This becomes a dragged out days long argument.  As he’s driving me to work Monday with DD in car, I see she has her headphones on (granted I could have waited). I asked him if he could see his part in bringing things up. He asked me last Thursday to not complain and by Sunday he’s making provoking statements because he’s angry I won’t let his adult sons sleep over after all the crap they’ve done. I told him it boggles my mind that he would know that we didn’t blend well while we lived together, I was always very clear in my position that I just wanted to help him raise them and launch them and see where it went afterwards because raising them was an unpleasant experience for me, and it's a shocker for him  that I don't want to continue this via way of overnight visits. 

 

I’m not sure if it was going to his grandsons 1st bday party, maybe he felt awkward and realized how awkward it is with just them and he wants to hurry up and fix that. Because this is the first time he’s asked AND been insistent on having them stay over “to gain closeness”. 

Anyway back to the car on Monday, he starts getting aggravated, and pretty much says “you don’t let my kids sleep over!” Loud enough for DD to hear and she texts me “why are you guys always arguing” and of course that set me off. I told her “I don’t mind letting your brothers come visit but I can’t accept sleepovers right now because they didn’t respect my house rules when they lived with us”. I was so angry that she was around for that and that later on at night she asked if we were getting a divorce. I told her that I didn’t know but that even if we did, we both love her very much. I told her that I love DH, and he loves me, but we just have different opinions on what we want to do with our lives. She had a few more questions but in the end she said that she was okay with whatever I want to do because she trusts that I will make whatever is the best decision, and that she just wants DH and I to be happy. 

 

Whew.

 

Tuesday I barely spoke to him. I admit that on Monday I did reach out to an attorney since I have no idea about divorce in New York. They text to ask for my info and said someone would reach out. Nothing from them at all Tuesday or yesterday. I did let him know I want to speak to an attorney about how this would work. He said he doesn’t want a divorce but there’s nothing he can do if I want one. I do not know for sure if I want one. But I know I haven’t been happy for a few years. 

 

I wanted to see what our dynamic was like without his kids around. SS19 was not pleasant to be around, he left last. Not sure if you guys remember that I left my house because I knew he’d fail, try to move back in and DH would probably get mad if I didn’t allow it (which he vehemently denies). 

Now that we’re back in the house, he’s only been home a couple weeks and is already hellbent on having his kids start at the sleepover point when they visit. 

 

“It’ll only be every other month, 6 times a year at most”

 

“You want me to be against my kids and I’ll NEVER be against them” (I never said that, I’m just not ready for Ss24, his pregnant gf, their 1 year old and SS19 to sleepover at the same time)

 

“By they live 3 hours away by train” (actually, it’s 2 hours and certainly they can maybe take the train here and Uber themselves back to make the effort of seeing you) 

 

“I don’t see what the big deal is, your friends and family sleep over” (the ones that do live out of state) 

 

I don’t know if this is when I’m supposed to be patient, the “for worse” part, or if this will be an eternal thing with his first 2 kids. It’s starting to feel that way. He said he wants his grandkids to sleep over, like DD does with my mom. But his grandkids aren’t MY grandkids and that’s what he doesn’t get. I told him, let’s take it slow, let’s build it and see what comes of it, I just don’t want to start at the sleepover point (I’m sure by this time I’ve only said this a million times). 

 

Ss24 is very predictable, actually they both are. I know that’s just going to open a can of worms. I think DH is grasping what he should have done all those years, and maybe now that their mom has passed, he feels for them even more. I don’t know what exactly it is, but it seems his priority has shifted to want to force a relationship with them, but I don’t feel he’s going about it in a healthy way. I feel like he’s setting it up as a “use us” thing. They can come watch movies, he’ll cook for them, play with the grandkids and they can sleep over at the end. He said if I need some space, he can take them out to the park, to give me a break. 

I don’t want to have to feel like that in my own home in the first place. Not my fault SSs don’t make the effort to see their dad, I’m not willing to sacrifice the peace in my house for them. 

 

But I realize they aren’t the real issue, DH is. I’m not even sure the SSs are pushing for this, this is all DH. Mind you, for the past 3 years DH has been pursuing this trucking thing and he’s taken some huge losses, so I’ve been the one footing the bills for the most part. You would think he wouldn’t insist on his grownups sleeping over since I’m the one paying the bills, so I should be the one who gets to have some damn peace.  So it begs the question, when will this end? You think launching these kids is the end but it’s not for some men. 

 

He says let’s just leave it alone, we don’t ever have to talk about it again, that’s what he said the last time. He doesn’t get that the resentment can build and manifest itself in ways that hinder our progress.

 

I love him and he loves me. Part of me does not want to lose him as a friend and feels like the best thing to do is divorce before I grow to despise or hate him, which would translate into something negative for our daughter. The other part of me is hopeful that maybe if I do leave it alone, maybe if I can help facilitate this relationship with his kids for him, in a way that is healthy for all of us, things might get better. Maybe he will get over it on his own if I never bring it up again. But I don’t know if I believe that. So here we are.