It really depends on the couple and what they both want I believe anyways. My DH had made changes that I have never seen another guy even be open minded enough to consider thinking about. My DH went through hoops and was determined to do his best and be able to see things from other peoples perspective. When I first met him, he was a complete Disney dad mostly from out of guilt and he admits that one of the hardest things that he battles with his own bio kids, is naturally looking at any given situation from the kids perspective. Over coming that takes a lot of work and he tries to keep it simple and handle one issue at a time as they come up.

I always have to work on backing off and letting him correct his own. Sometimes I think he lets them off the hook to easy but that is just my opinion. Now when his daughter hurts other kids, then things get ugly around here. There are some things that I have no tolerance for and hurting others and or animals is my biggest one.

DH of Starla here. After my DW shared your post with me I found myself wanting to share this. It took four years but I have finally seen the errors I have been making with my kids.

First is that I was not viewing my role as a father from the perspective of raising good citizens but of wanting to give my kids a good childhood. Sure some happiness is good for kids but catering to them leads to selfish behavior and trains them to push people for a they can get. I should have been teaching them boundaries rather than catering to them.

I have learned that when you marry that you cannot hold back a part of your self and keep secret thoughts from your mate. Your partner learns your behavior partners and can then tell when you are holding something back forcing them to fill in the information blanks. This communication gap fosters misunderstanding and can quickly degenerate into series of reactive responses. If you want to keep a marriage alive and well you have to learn to communicate honestly.

I hope this helps.

I think sometimes they just blame the wife because it is easier than blaming the exhaulted daughter. I know my husband blamed me for years he once screamed at me it's your fault, if you would just shut up and put up with her crap, everything would be alright. For 8 years he would deny she said or did anything wrong. He didn't hear it, he didn't see it, I just hated her, I didn't want him to have a relationship with her, I was just looking for trouble. All grossly unfair given that when we married he was estranged from her and I stupidly encouraged contact. I bent over backwards to respect her and her relationship with her father. The truth was, she didn't want a relationship with him. She had said she wanted to break up our marriage to see him alone and lonely like her mother was, then see us both dead. My husbands response to all of that was, she didn't mean it. Well she did and she almost got all her wishes. He finally after almost 12 years now admitted in counselling only 2 months ago that his daughter had been the sole cause of all the trouble and that I had done all I could and more to respect her and their relationship, but she wasn't having it. Truthfully, it goes to show that as of 2 months ago, he hasn't changed. He said she was the cause of all the trouble. She wasn't. His failure to pull her into line was the real cause. His reason for allowing it. Well, if he said anything then she wouldn't talk to him. That's true, she hasn't spoken to him since her child was born two years ago. Why, because she told him if he wanted to see her child he had to leave me.

He didn't leave me. She refuses to speak to him, and now he s seeing a psychologist and on medication. Even after all thus, if she picked up the phone tomorrow, his heart would sing. If she expected to be back in our lives doing exactly what she did before, I know he would absolutely put that too me. I know I will never put up with that hatred in my life again, so does he, but he would try to convince me even now to shut up and put up with it. Even though he knows how much she hates him, and her hatred for me is based on nothing more than he is happy with me. She hates him being happy, she hates not being the woman in his life.

Hello this is Starla replying, I just carefully read everything trying to put myself in your shoes. I'm not the type of person to say this unless enough reason is there but at this point for you, I think you could find someone that would be a better fit for you.

I understand its easier said then done and I would like to share something with you. First, my DH and I have been taking in your story trying to give your husband benefit of doubt bc we are trying to be fair to him being he is not on here to represent himself. I'm just going to speak bluntly, its easier. When I have been confronted by friends and even my own birth mother with "how do you find guys that treat you so well?", I tell them "I won't accept anything less bc I'm only going to live once and I intend on being happy." As much as I want to give you advise to help you, after what I have read, I don't see you being happy and definitely don't see you reaching your full potential with him. Its not easy making such changes but it will only be more difficult the longer you wait.

You are a smart person and you do have good intentions, though we have never met..I would hate to see you sell yourself short bc there are plenty of guys out there that would appreciate what you do have to offer. I'm very strong willed like that bc I have been there with others in my past and breaking up sounded like the hardest thing but my life didn't start until I moved on from the toxic ones.

Starla not sure who you are addressing you above response to, but if its me. 8 months ago you would have been spot on.

I was raised the child of alcoholics. I was raised in an era where children were seen and not heard. I was raised by a mother who taught us men were better than women and men were to be served. We girls were raised to cook, clean, wash and iron. Men got fed the meat, we got whatever. Hard for people to imagine in this day and age. So, how did I find myself in a relationship like this. COMFORT ZONE. He treated me as I had always been treated. Golly gee, it felt like home.

I've taken a lot here, always blamed myself, tried to find ways of doing it better, making it better. Always being mindful of my role as the little woman. My role to give all and take nothing.

Last August I turned 60. In that 12 months leading up to my 60th I looked back over my life. There really wasn't a decade in it when I was able to be me. I was a daughter, I was a wife, I was a mother and all of those things took priority over me. That was how I was raised. To do for others and NEVER get too big for my boots.

In looking over my life I started to realise something. Although like an idiot I had accepted being second best by not one, but two husbands, I was anything but an idiot. Far from it. I realised that although 60, inside I was still a frightened little girl who was afraid to speak up in case she got a belting from daddy.

Whilst this epiphany was still shiny and brand new in my head, my husband who was still punishing me because his daughter had been raised as a self centred, self absorbed spoilt little brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement by both her parents, and because he had failed her as a father, went too far in his punishment. He took what will be his last bit of emotional abuse towards me ever.

I may or may not live to reach my full potential with this man. But I can assure you, I am on my way and I will die trying. I will never allow him, his family or anyone to disrespect me ever again. I am very, very lucky. I have learnt the lesson. Yes it took me a while, 60 years. But a lot of people with the life I had would never have learnt it. I did.

My husband it turns out has a personality disorder. It is not treatable. He will always have it. However last January when he so arrogantly took that last swipe at showing me who was boss. He got more than he bargained for. He is now in therapy, and he is on medication and under a doctors care. My gut reaction to all of this less than a year ago would have been to crawl into my shell, do whatever he wanted to make him happy, to make his life better, no matter the negative unhealthy impact on me. Not now. Never again. My health, my sanity, my physical, mental and emotional well being are important too. I matter. I can finally be me and look out for me. I set my husband on the path to getting his mental health issues sorted out, I got him to am excellent GP who manages him well and has him seeing a mental health professional. Now I realise that's it, it is up to my husband to do it for himself. Yes he needs my understanding, yes he needs support. But I don't have to do it for him, and I sure as hell don't have to sacrifice my physical, mental and emotional health to make him happy. I am only responsible for my own happiness. He is responsible for his. That does not mean I do not love him or I do not care, because I do. It just means after now 61 years on this earth I finally care about me to instead of just caring about others.

I haven't been treated well over the course of my life, despite always trying to treat others with respect. Always being mindful of the feelings of others. Now I know why. I didn't expect it, let alone demand it. Now I am happily plodding along and finding I don't have to demand anything. People somehow are sensing the change. In thinking over my life. I can never recall ever saying one positive thing about myself. We, as I said before were raised not to get too big for our boots. You know what, despite being pulled out of school at 13 and put into full time employment. I am an intelligent, responsible, caring, compassionate and empathetic woman. I raised three children from 2, 6,,and 8 to adulthood by myself. I instinctively saw their father wasnt going to be any better for them than mine had been, in fact he was worse. I removed them from that. They all have successful careers and families of there own now. I did that by myself. I'm proud of that, something I have only been able to say recently. Sure I have done lots of things in my life I have been very proud of, but I would never say that. The little girl inside would've got a belting for talking up herself like that. That little girl thank God, is well on her way to a happier, more peaceful life. That little girl need never fear again, the woman she has become will never be physically or emotionally abused again, she doesn't deserve it. No one does.

As far as finding someone else. That is not an issue fir me. Apart from not jumping ship because my husband has a mental health problem. I was single and happy for years. I actually like myself, and can live with myself, not something I would have openly said before. But I can now. My priority in life is to be at peace and be as happy as I can be. I am fortunate not to feel a failure or alone if I don't have a man. Which is interesting considering my mother actually did teach us all we needed was a man.

It has nothing to do with being in a "blended" family but my DH used to be verbally abusive. I moved out. He shaped up quickly after that. He got diagnosed with some unknown issues that he had and got on meds for them.

He doesn't do that anymore and we can actually talk through issues we disagree about without it deteriorating into all out war. It is like we are on a honeymoon again.

We are lucky, though. Sometimes people will change but only long enough to suck the other person back in. Then they go back to old habits. It's been over 2 years now for us so I think he learned his lesson.

And that struggling mum is the magic potion. Being able to stand up for yourself. Well done. You are right to be wary. The change may very well be genuine. However sometimes the change is self protection on their part and just a means of reeling you back in. Time will tell.