You are leaning on an open door with me on this issue - I couldn't agree more. Boundaries are, IMO THE most important part of parenting technique. Loving your kids does NOT mean letting them do what they want and spoiling them - they opposite in fact.

THe latter practices are going to hamper them in leading effective, productive lives and having good relationships in adulthood.

I have told you this before, I totally agree with you, but once kids reach a certain age, they need to also be held accountable for their own actions. At 14, SD knows right from wrong and should be responsible for her misbehavior. As long as she lives with BM (who continues to allow her to be on a pedestal and be in control), she'll never get that, which is why she is pushing DH out of her life. She doesn't WANT to be parented, she wants to be in control. DH took his life back from her and yes, since dear daddy wasn't bowing down to her every demand, she got pissed and left.

Agreed!

I can't agree more with this. I have been telling my SO for the last six months that he needs to set boundaries with his 12 daughter. We have been dating a year and when I entered the picture, neither parent was enforcing rules or boundaries. She lies and it's "just don't do it again". There was a week where she lied every day.

Now that I've managed to somehow break through the thick skull of my SO, he's started putting boundaries in place, but I can't say his consistency is stellar. I ask myself all the time if I'll be able to live with this kid, if her dad and I were to get married. The blame for if the answer is no, is going to rest solely on him. He made his bed...

What I see all too often is a BM who MUST have total control over her kids - no one else is allowed to parent them. She does not set rules and of course by the teen years the kid is totally out of control. Then she wants to ship the out of control kid to dad who in many cases either can't or won't set boundaries.

And the kid ends up a miserable excuse for an adult. But once the person is an adult it is still within their realm of responsibility to do right. I think very few people grow up and have not been exposed to the difference in right or wrong. So when an adult chooses to do wrong it is on them. You can't blame parents forever.

My DH is this parent. He let them do whatever the hell they wanted. There were never any consequences.... ever I don't care what they did.

My OSS stole $20 out of my underwear drawer last year. I had a cow and demanded he be punished. My pushover, balless DH never said anything to him because "he didn't want to hurt his feelings." :?

This is not even the worst thing they have done. Same SS met up with a middle aged man when he was 16 - first place he drove when he got his car - and has sex with this man. We found out about it and even brought the cops in. Nothing could be done to the man because SS lied about his age. Yet SS was never punished.

You wouldn't believe the shit that has happened here. The kids have zero boundaries and neither does BM.

DH is trying now because he knows I will divorce him in a second if he doesn't put boundaries in place.

Too many parents, bio and some step, want to be their kids/skids 'friends' instead of a parent. Kids need guidance, rules and boundaries. We've already got a generation of entitled spoiled brats out there, I dread to see what the next generation brings.

As much as kids don't outwardly like rules and boundaries, it gives them security. As long as - and especially if - the rules and boundaries are consistent.

I dont know that either my bm or dh put ss on a pedestal, however there was definitely some faulty parenting. BM only saw ss eowe-dh only really saw ss eowe as his work took him out of town the majority of weeks. I dont even believe they were trying to spoil him or not parent-but since they both had limited time with him-when they saw him they wanted to do fun/family activities. So ss's time with BOTH of his parents, on the weekends, was a constant whirl of trips to the park, movies, bowling, visiting other relatives, staying up late because its a weekend. During the week he got boring old me,bedtimes, he had to go to school, I made him do his homework, and we did 90% of our chores/housework during the week so that I too could relax on the weekend. I truly think ss thought I was just mean and evil for making him do homework and chores and he felt as if he wanted only his mom and dad who were both "fun" parents. In other words I was the one doing all the actual parenting-and he didnt get that that is what was normal, and the "fun" times he had with his parents were really sort of outside the norm.

As he grew older he rebelled more and more against everyday things like doing what he was told (by me), homework, chores, etc-why couldnt it be like when mom and dad were around? Why couldnt they be around all the time? If only he could rid of me his life would be one big happy parade! He finally moved in with bm when he was in 4th grade. Dh got deployed and it was part of our court order that he stay with her. I think he found out pretty damn quickly that everything was not sunshine and rainbows. She made him do all those things I had and I think he was pretty pissed!

Fortunately for him, (at least in his eyes), he has found my inlaws. Bm tried for years to get him under control. We tried for years. We both failed. Dh turned to his parents as a last resort which has turned into a freaking nightmare that he did not predict. My inlaws have no boundaries for him-other than perhaps dont bother us too much and dont be a snitch. He does zero homework-seriously none at all. He has basically failed 9th grade-he will get a credit for gym and a basic required computer class. He has had multiple iss, oss, Saturday schools, detentions, was kicked off the bus in January for the remainder of the year. And he is involved with the probation dept for having marijuana residue and paraphinilia. My fil just told dh this weekend, in a nasty email, that ss is NOT doing badly so far at their home. ? WTF? How anyone could think that that was good is beyond me. I am quite certain ss loves it there. He refuses to speak to dh at all, I havent spoke to him in almost a year now, and I believe he speaks to his bm maybe once every 3-4 months.