Some things I think every SM should know and remember
I know many of these could get me flamed and many of you will disagree with them. So please don't take it as a personal attack, but rather how I feel about things.
1. BM does not have to agree with how DH parents or how we "parent."
2. BM and SKs are not obligated to love or like us. Just like we do not have to love or like them.
3. The reality is that the kids do not come here to spend time with us or our kids (even if our kids are also DHs). They come here to spend time with Dad.
4. We are the adults. We have the choice to leave our situations if they become horrible. The skids (those under 18) do not. There were times when I considered leaving. My SDs, as minors, did and do not have that choice. They are still dependent on DH.
5. I am really torn on how much blame to assign teenage skids. While I do think they "know better," I think they are very confused and are being told a lot of things by their custodial BMs that they know are false, but go along with because the CP BMs will make their lives living nightmares if they do not. I also think a lot of these kids were brought up by both dad and mom to believe they are the center of the universe, and when we come along in Dad's life, well, nobody likes being demoted or being made to feel like they are less important.They aren't going to adjust to that overnight. It may take many, many years. I think a lot of their behavior is in part due to frustration of being demoted. Nobody likes being demoted. How, ideally, should these kids react?
6. Kids, including teens, do not have the life experiences or wisdom necessary to see things the way we SPs do. I have often hoped in the past that the SDs would come to see things from my perspective. Not in years, or once they reach adulthood, but in weeks or days. It took awhile for me to accept that it won't happen while they are minors. If ever. I think these kids who have only recently started to receive any type of parenting are showing reactions that should be expected, and shame on one or both of their parents for not doing this right from the moment they were born.
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I agree with alot of what you
I agree with alot of what you said SA, however I do not believe we as SM should ever "lower" our expectations of/from our skids. Of course they are not going to like/love us or act like we are their mother etc BUT we should never lower our own personal standards of especially respect like you mentioned just because these kids don't want us in the picture etc. I look at it this way, if we wouldn't allow or put up with a perfect stranger treating us as such then we should never allow or lower our expectations/standards of those who are in our lives whether they or we want them there or not. Just my opinion on that.
I agree.
I agree.
Thank you for clarifying
Thank you for clarifying SA...I totally agree!!!
1. I agree. We might not like
1. I agree. We might not like it, and vice versa but it is what it is. We can only voice our opinions and concerns but they/we are not obligated to listen or do anything we don't choose to do.
2. I agree. Just like I wouldn't and don't want anyone "making" me or telling me that I need to like/love skid & BM they don't have to like/love us either.
3. I agree. I personally don't like my BF's kid, but even if I did you are 100% correct. They are there to be with THEIR parent. NOT US or OUR KIDS! And I also believe that when they are there it is THEIR BIO PARENTS job/responsibility to watch them, entertain them, etc. NOT OURS!!!
4. :sick: (No offense LOL)
5. When they reach the age/mentality where they "know better" all bets are off!!! And there are even alot of young skids on here that we read about that know how to manipulate etc. their parents really well!!! So I personally feel like alot of them know what they are doing and know better and there is NO EXCUSE for what they say/do. IMHO.
6. Shame on the parents for THEIR part in everything but again alot of them KNOW what they are doing...so shame on them all!!!
That is just my take on the list....
I should send these to a
I should send these to a friend of mine who is having a difficult times these last few weeks. She expressed certain "truths" to her FSD14, that were not her truths to share. They were about the BM and now her DF, FSD and the BM are all angry at her.
At first she showed some remorse, but now she's wondering if what she did was so wrong. The obvious answer is yes, however she's not ready to see it. I can't seem to help her understand she cannot control the BM and she needs to keep her mouth shut about her around her FSD.
If she doesn't take these to heart, she is in for a very rough road as an SM.
Please feel free to share
Please feel free to share them, and please send her here so she can have a healthy place to vent and unload so she doesn't do it on the kid.
I've told her about ST and
I've told her about ST and she's been on here from time to time. I also clued her onto Stepmonster, which she's read in bits and pieces.
I think she believes she can power through all of it on her own and has her own ideas of what her role should be. I have suggested counseling (with a bilingual counselor) for her and her DF, so they're able to figure out boundaries with their relationship.
I agree with most of it, but
I agree with most of it, but I do think that once they are over 14, they can make up their own mind and do not have to continue to be PAS'd. They allow it to happen because they get something out of it. After 14 they are responsible for their decisions....I watched a child at 13 be a brat and at 14 sue us to get what she want. DH made excuses for her and still does that she is a child. I call BS, she knows what she was doing and the harm she was causing. She wanted to be with BM, because it was easier....
Kids are generally lazy and will go where it is easier. At 14, they are making lifetime decisions and they need to be held accountable for that.
As stepparents we have no control over their behavior and should not be involved, since all that happens is we become the fall guy for everything and the blame is not placed where it should be...on the bios and the child.
this is a spot on offering of
this is a spot on offering of advice:
I think more SM's need to keep a distance from the onset, and remain firm to her expectations.
See SA we dont always agree. I wish someone would have told me exactly this 8 years go. But learning is hind sight I did tell a girlfriend this last night who is entering into the step roll.
And I agree with OP.
I think sometimes some of the stuff I read here makes me shake my head.
I think that SP need to realize that regardless of whether they agree with BM choices or not, as long as the choices are on her time there is nothing you can say or do about it. Schedule choices, if it matches the CO it is what it is.
And I found at least from personal experience that when we follow the CO to the tee it makes a huge difference in the day to day problems that take place. The CO's for schedule and such are written so that legally you know exactly what is taken place. Once you start stepping outside of that court order you start to set a new "status quo" and it will be viewed as that in a court.
I used to get caught up in
I used to get caught up in how bm parented back in the good old days-now I couldnt care less what the woman does. I even take up for her from time to time.
I agree that some skids may be confused, maybe experience many changes with their parents divorce, remarriage, etc-but again that does not translate to bad behaviors. I feel like this is the big downfall of so many. It's why everyone involved makes excuses for the kids and the bad behaviors continue and worsen. It is imperative that the bio parents not tolerate bad behaviors from their child of any age.
I also feel that teens know right from wrong. If they choose to engage in wrong behavior, then I place that on their shoulders. Also, it appears to me that these kids CAN and DO choose to leave the situation if it is not to their liking. More and more kids are opting to have 0 relationship with their parent. They move from home to home depending on their mood and who is offering them the best deal.