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When I think teens DO need to be held accountable

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Thu, 05/09/2013 - 2:37pm

I do not think they need to be held accountable for being hurt, angry, confused, disappointed and pi$$ed off when they get taken off the pedestal and "dethroned." I do think that the parents need to teach and give them healthy venting outlets and unconditional love and support to get them through it, and take full responsibility for the anguish they are causing their kids, both to themselves and to their kids.

But I do think they need to be held accountable for stealing, abusing/attempting to abuse animals, physically assaulting people, etc. Maybe juvie has programs that can teach these kids how to deal with their emotions. Maybe the thought of spending a lot of time in a cell made of concrete and steel will set them straight. And of course, their parents need to get them intense help once they are released from jail/juvie.

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B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Thu, 05/09/2013 - 2:53pm

But I do think they need to be held accountable for their negative actions/behaviors when they are hurt, angry, confused, disappointed and pissed off.

I always tell my kids that it's OK to have those feelings, it's only natural. However, having those feelings does not give them the right to act out, be ugly to others, forget their manners, backtalk, etc. Being angry does not give them the right to throw things, cuss at me, or call me names.

I think the problem is many feel it's their "right" to behave in such a manner for both real and perceived slights. Some of it I credit to "growing up" -- they're still in that inbetween stage of child (tantrum) and adult (handling it rationally).

But it's my job, as their mom, to squash that "right" and show them better was to deal with those feelings.

I think in a blended situation sometimes (I'll use mine for example) nobody (bioparents) wants to be hard on the kids (children, pre-teens, teens, adults, you name it) by telling them their behaviors are unacceptable. So, at least in my situation, the SK's can act rudely/badly without fear of repercussions because a) neither parent will say anything, and b) I'm disengaged so I don't say a word about it.

step off already's picture

Submitted by step off already on Thu, 05/09/2013 - 3:16pm

Agree. My DD12 is grieving very deeply for our recent loss of my father. She has taken to using that as an excuse every time she is reprimanded for something. When I ask her what's going on, she'll start in with how she's sad about grandpa and then go on about other things.

I've told her several times that she needs to find productive ways to deal with her grief and anger and the way we act in these stressful and upleasant situations is what truly defines us as people.

We can't just be good people when we are happy. We have to choose the right path ALL the time. Even when we are sad, angry, unhappy.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Thu, 05/09/2013 - 3:18pm

responsible parents hold children accountable for their actions, not their emotions- regardless of the reasons why
__________________________________________________________________________
^^^THIS! Perfectly stated, Rising. Perfect.

Yes, it's fine that stepdevil14 is hurt, angry, pissed off, upset, confused or disappointed. It's NOT ok for her to text her father and be hurtful, rude or disrespectful to him. It's NOT ok for her to lash out and LIE about either her father or I just because she's feeling displaced. It's NOT ok for her to be a total bitch and snub her dad and I just because she's mad she's not on the pedestal anymore.

Sure, she can feel all she wants. There are healthier and nicer ways of dealing with your feelings than being a snide, snotty, disrespectful bitch.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Thu, 05/09/2013 - 3:29pm

"Sure, she can feel all she wants. There are healthier and nicer ways of dealing with your feelings than being a snide, snotty, disrespectful bitch."

I totally agree, but has anyone pointed this out to her?

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 10:01am

Kay I respectfully disagree with this statement:
"I completely agree RedWings, but kids that age do not have the maturity or understanding of that quite yet"

At what point does "yet" change to now. I have two 14 year old daughters. I agree with you Kay if we are talking a 14 year old who's parents have just split or been split for short amount of time yeah I get that.

But the kids who have been in a divorce situation for years upon years (like my SD) and my DD's have no leg to stand on when it comes to not understanding...they understand just fine. Most are now making an adult choice to not move past the discord, their making a choice not to like the situation, and they are making a choice to make the situation difficult.

So I guess the question is what age is a child old enough to know better?
I laid into SD16 and posted it here and got RIPPED apart. So what is the correct age?

The unanswered question

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 05/10/2013 - 10:07am

"I have two 14 year old daughters. I agree with you Kay if we are talking a 14 year old who's parents have just split or been split for short amount of time yeah I get that."

Some of the teens here have had divorced parents for years, that is true, but one or both of their parents have only fairly recently begun to parent them and truly try to help them. So that's why a lot of these kids have so many real issues and are having difficulty adapting.

And about liking the situation, nobody said they have to. Heck, most adults don't like these situations. Why should a child?