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A spin off from SMIH's blog...I feel that so many people give these "parents" a free pass while blaming the kids

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Fri, 03/29/2013 - 3:37pm

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I really do.

It is unrealistic to expect a minor to fix themselves and their issues, especially as quickly as some people seem to want.

Some people on here even admit that there spouses were and/or are lousy parents. Me included. But so much of the resentment seems to be going towards the kids and I think that's a big mistake. I think that because what worked for me was turning my resentment for skids onto DH and DH alone. He didn't like feeling that resentment so he stepped up his parenting. And because of that and the kids living with us (they still do and have for 6 years) guess what? They are doing better.

A lot of these kids were put on a pedestal and have only recently begun to receive real parenting. To expect them to be a-ok with being demoted, their stepparents, new step/half siblings, and react perfectly and without blemish to those people and things, is really unrealistic.

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Fri, 03/29/2013 - 6:27pm

I agree with you! My ss19 is a lot of who he is b/c he was in bm's care for his formative years. My bs17 was in his dad's care (xh) for his formative years too and suffered from it but saw all of this b/c of counseling and was able to remove himself entirely from xh and is now living his life the way he wants to by going to college and not seeing xh at all. Bs15 is about ready to stop going over to xh's just b/c he's starting to see the affect he has on him. When I pick him up from visits he is a different kid and it usually takes a day or two for him to get back into the swing of things here. (xh is a pschotic recluse who drinks heavily). But my boys' self awareness and growing up decent would not have happened on it's own, I had to parent them properly. Parenting is a responsibilty not a choice. In some ways I saw how dh finally shut his eyes to how ss19 was and felt helpless to mold that boy. But life experience is now molding him unfortunately. Fortunately dh has stepped up and is parenting ss16 a lot better then his older son.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 5:16am

Letting go of the hatred, anger and resentment for the skids and putting it all where it belongs - on the parent who lives with you and fails to address their ugly behaviour is the first step to getting your life back. Sure parents cannot be held responsible for the things their kids say and do 100% of the time. But the sure as hell are 100% responsible for their failure to deal with it. They fail to deal with it because they are scared their kids won't speak to them. So they happily allow their kids to become further and further out of control. They raise selfish spoilt brats with an over inflated sense of entitlement that no one likes, and they cause their wives emotional stress and anxiety, for one reason only. They are selfish. They are only thinking of what they want, and not what is in the best interests of the child. Certainly not what is in the best interests of their wives and marriages. And they call this love. Love of self more like it.