The anger/rage mode is useful for deflecting when he knows you are spot on. You typically back off (I know I did this). Someone here has had a good time telling me "he is who he is and hes not willing to change sor why expect anything different". Well theres some truth to it. He is who he is. Take some time away. Its good to spend time with friends, get away from there little club that doesnt include you. Have your own Christmas joy.

Funny things happen the same way with me and mine. I get frustrated because Husband doesnt enforce anything, and especially regular chores. Skid will sometimes do right away mostly 4 plus hours later with 3-4 reminders. And this weekend, nice warm day I was waiting 4 hours for backyard to be cleared of doo so I could rake and get some things done to clean the yard before dark. Super frustrating when you are waiting on others. My new attitude is that Im going to "do it myself" and wait for the others to catch up.

oh no, I am sorry you are going through this. My DH has done that to me as well (not in a while though), it's a way of him gaslighting you and making you the bad-guy, which I think you understand. It's not about you. It's about your DH and skids not participating in daily life, or tasks that everyone should be doing for the upkeep of the home (let alone learning responsibility and such...).

I would calmly just stop doing things. I know you don't want to live in a dirty house; I didin't either. Pack away the plates/utensils/cups and go get disposables. Do ONLY your dishes. Seriously. If the kitchen gets to be such a mess you cannot cook then don't: "Sorry everyone, I cannot cook because all YOUR dishes/mess is in the way." Don't put up the Xmas lights. One other thing I did was opt to NOT participate in "fun stuff" with DH/SDs because I was "too busy cleaning/laundry/chores because it needs to be done therefore I cannot go." DH got tired of that too (thus we now have a cleaner in every other month and he pays a bit more of the cost as a result).

Your DH is getting upset about you holding him accountable. Boo-hoo. And if you think disengaging is not your option, then yes, you do need to think about this further.

Will he go?

Since your DH thinks you don't do anything around the house, quit doing anything around the house. I'm guessing you do all the cooking and cleaning in addition to working full time. Stop doing anything for anyone else and see how quickly he notices.

Believe me, no one knows more than me what it is to deal with children who refuse to clean up. In my house, i quickly understood that no help was to be expected from children and I accepted that reality. This was not enough, on the weekends that they would visit, the house would become aj absolute wreck.....Damaging things, refusing to obey simple rules like removing shoes at the entrance or not sleeping on the couch, cleaning after yourself when using the toilet. Once last summer, i had enough and told them they will clean each one toilet. They are both 14 and 16 years old and told me they never had to do that and didnt know because BM does everything as their "mama bear". When I showed them, they had attitude and acted so upset over cleaning the toilet that THEY use lo...she makes their beds, does their laundry, cooks and cleans after them in the bathroom. I wonder if she doesnt go as far as wiping their behinds for them. The result is extreme sheltering and complete co dependency on their mom. When they were younger, i tried to teach them how to do laundry and their beds but immediately I was met with resistance and BM was promptly called to come pick them up and said that I was crazy and abusive lol

My top tips for you:

- Let them wreck the house. There is no need to spend all of the weekend cleaning up after them, you will just be like a prisoner in a concentration camp doing the same repetitive tasks waiting to be exterminated. The best way is to wait until they are gone and do a big clean up. They will never do chores at your house or help you out...If you try to force them, they will cause BIG BIG problems for you and make you the scapegoat for their actions - "i dont want to go over to dads because his wife is mean and wants us to do chores" and of course, everyone is mad at you and creating sob stories of child abuse in their heads

- Purchase plastic plates and plastic cups and plastic dinnerware. Its not economic and its not good for the environment, but that is the only way to curb the excessive use of dishes. In my house, they were using 10 to 15 glasses a day between the two of them...I was filling up the dishwasher with glasses and having to handwash in addition....I complained and complained but i was told that i use glasses as well (i keep the same aluminium bottle all day and use one glass at dinner so that is incorrect) so I have no right to tell ppl how many glasses to use. I get plastic stuff every visit from now on....It has cut down my washing in 3rd

- Use heavy duty garden plastic covers for your furniture....I have become tired of asking and begging to not sleep on the couch and having to wash and vaccuum my couch after every visit so my purchases this week will be these plastic covers.

- I clean their room and wash their sheets once a month. Sometimes even less....I feel like if you dont care about your room, why should i? Keep sleeping on dirty ass sheets idc. 

- Use signage if the children can read and are the type who will follow instructions. I put signage about flushing and not leaving food under the bed... Unfortunately, they said it was highly offensive to them to have signs and its as if they were "being treated like babies"....They said they would rather i tell their dad and then they can just ignore it and not do it. So thats that.

- Go away on weekends. I got a second job and make sure to schedule it on the weekends that they are around. That way im out of the home and dont have to deal with their irritating behaviours. I deal with it when they leave by cleaning up the entire home.

Accept that a woman who marries a man with children is basically a glorified maid and nanny when the children visit. If i had understood this before marriage, i would have never said yes and my quality of life would have been much better than it is. Your home will never be yours due to visits and forced lifestyles from other homes on yours.

I tell everyone I know to never marry a man with children unless the children are either very old or married. And especially not a man with male children who are being raised by a single mother....the coddling is out of this world for that profile.

Hope my tips help you make the best of this situation. Dont fight it,you will lose and your health will be impacted. The only thing i now fight about when it comes to children is for visitation time to be accurate (no extra time or extra accomodation)....Idc about the rest. Of course, this has impacted my relationship with my husband greatly as I watched him cater to children and make me a silent servant to them. I cant ever forgive him for that and def dont love him the way I used to in the beginning....

There are lines that I draw in the sand over what I will or won't do. We have 4 perfectly capable teens in the house and DH too. I don't have to do everything and I won't kill myself anymore to do so.

I won't take out the trash. I won't do the dishes. I won't vacuum. 

I handle most of the rest but those are my- Don't even pause when I tell someone to do them and they better get done NOW items. I have snatched cords out of the walls. I have taken car keys. I have grounded over attitude about doing those tasks. 

DH and I have always had the agreement that he handles yard work and I take care of the inside. We have close to an acre and there are a ton of trees and plants, so about 9 months out of the year it is a lot of work to maintain. 

On another note- Fighting dirty would mean me not fighting at all. I shut down and would emotionally disconnect. Then, I would be planning a divorce. I was in an abusive relationship before and I have no intentions of ever being treated like that again. I can do fine all by myself, I am with my husband because I choose him- not because I need him. I don't need a man that will treat me the way you are describing. Neither do you.

OP, your H is a complete and utter jerk who is raising two junior jerks.

None of them respect or appreciate you whatsoever....how long can you live in a situation like that?

I can get "mean" when fighting. I don't like to but I can be pushed there. So, I get where you are coming from. Your DH? I think I'd have lost it and that would have been cake throwing time. (My dear friend, a SM in a HC situation, had enough one night and threw her birthday cake across the table and slammed into the wall. When she exited the room, she told her DH and two SKs that it WOULD be cleaned up when she came back downstairs. And thanked them for ruining her birthday. It was cleaned better than if she had done it. LOL) 

No one is going to speak to me like that especially the man I married. Forget the cake throwing and begin with some serious disengagement. Like NO cooking. Take some suggestions from this thread...easy foods (cereal, popcorn, etc) that need minimal prep dishes, sandwich stuff (I'm thinking bologna and white bread...LOL). Use a much disposable as you can with paper plates, cups, etc. The dishes will still be an issue but one thing you can divert to individuals is CLOTHES! Teach them how to use the washer and then be done. Look for other things that you can do minimally or push onto your DH and his kids. I understand about wanting a clean house; I'm the same.

Counseling. Even if he doesn't go, as JRI said, go for you. When my DH and I hit that hard spot in marriage (I was ready to leave), we did maritial and both did individual counseling. It helped immensely, repairing a lot of damage in my marriage. Today, DH and I are on the same page.

Best to you. I know this is a difficult situation to be in. 

I´m so sorry, I feel your pain and can very much identify with it.  No advice, just that you aren´t alone!! 

There's good reason why January is THE busiest month for divorce filings. Holidays are the straw that breaks a lot of camels' backs.

WTH are YOU the one who has to find a counselor?? He's the one who's an ass raising ass skids and treating you like manure. What's HE doing to try to save the marriage?? Sounds like he knows you always cave. You've fallen into being the wife appliance who makes life comfortable for He Man, so stop. Let him feel the consequences, and what happens when yet another good woman gets fed up with his crap.

Don't do ANY decorating for Christmas. Zero, " because Ahole was too busy/didn't schedule any time to do it as a family". Make appointments with a few good divorce attorneys (NOW, they'll be fully booked next month) to find out where you stand, remove all important financial and personal documents from the house, and don't waste any money on presents for a$$holes. No cooking, cleaning, provisioning, or planning, either. Give this jerk the gift of absence for the holidays - never be alone with him, spend time with friends and family, always be busy elsewhere. If/when he seeks confrontation, tell him "We can discuss these issues in counseling. When is the appointment?"

Some men only respect a superior force, so be that.

From your blog, your DH sounds like he is emotionally immature, doesn't know how to resolve conflict, and thinks its ok to manipulate you into doing all the work around the house. Marriage therapy is a first step, but if he doesn't want to change, and it sounds like he doesn't, then its time to move on. Sorry. I know that is not what anyone wants to hear, but you deserve better than this man. 

I would definitely take a vacation on your own, and get your head cleared. A little perspective and peace will do you good. Take care of yourself and don't take any crap from this worm of a man. He deserves to be taught a lesson!

I feel for you.  I hope things work out but it doesn't sound good. 

I agree with 1st3rd5thWEInHell's post about avoiding men who have kids.  I tried to avoid men with kids when I was younger, got screwed over twice.  In the first situation, I was the only parent who gave a sh&t about the kid - ALL responsibility was on my shoulders.  The second situation was a codependent, Disney daddeee and his boy who became a man and never launched - couple that with emotional abuse from DH and I ended up walking, no, RUNNING away from that situation (and the financial burden was all on my shoulders in that situation).  Never again.  At my age I will likely have to remain single but that's fine.  I will NEVER AGAIN be with a man who has kids, no matter the age. 

Try to get DH into counseling and see if that helps.  If there's no change in his behavior, you can bet the skids won't change either.  At that point, you'll need to do some serious soul-searching about your situation and what you want. 

Keep us posted... ***BIG HUGS***

It's frustrating for sure.  As a SP it is really hard to be in the role of enforcer.. and unfortunately.. the bio parents.. are reluctant to do it either.. and it is still difficult to break the gender bias in chores.. 

And.. if you work in the home.. he assumes you have time throughout the day to take care of things.. while he isn't there at all.  I know when I do my WFH days.. I can do things like run loads of laundry.. but don't have time to do the full fold and put away.. that is the time consuming part.. so cleaned clothes go on the couch in a pile until I'm done with work..haha.

And.. if this guy is like my DH.. he has a lot more tolerance for letting stuff just sit.  

I have taken to not putting my dH's things away.. and he has a constant folded pile of clothes on the couch.. haha.  I will be darned if I wash it.. dry it.. fold it.. least he can do is put it away!

Is, paper products for him and the kids that HE pays for, paper bowls, plates, cups and silverware. That will at least relieve the dish problem. Insist they be used. We do have a clean up after yourself policy (thank you DH) naturally my own bio son (16) at the time balked, but it was the best thing ever. Community meals are cleaned up communally. That said, I would be fuming too!