I'm not washing dishes
I've gradually been washing fewer and fewer dishes as a way to disengage because I am not allowed to establish any house rules. My SO says only if he agrees to the rule, which he often does not. When I try to have a talk about establishing house rules, we end up fighting. He's afraid if he gives into me now, we'll go down the slippery slope of him becoming whipped, and me controlling everything.
I want only a few rules right now. For example, I want time limits on the video games because right now, SS16 plays them all weekend in the living room while SO and I spend all our time in our bedroom, even for meals. I don't think SS16 should monopolize the living room, I live here too. And if SS16 is asked to take an x box break he gives attitude.
Since any talk about rules results in an argument with SO, I've decided to stop talking and not wash any dishes or load or unload the dishwasher. If SO gets annoyed or feels like I'm not pulling my weight, then I will tell him that I'm happy to start a discussion about house rules, chores, supervision of chores, etc.
We will see how that goes.
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I would tell him that since
I would tell him that since you can't enjoy and regulate your own house and that he wants you to be worried about only yourself,you will do your own dishes, cook your own food, do your own laundry etc... when SS is there. Want me to butt out? Fine.
THIS. I was in this
THIS.
I was in this situation, so I enforced the time limits, I also have 2 children in this home so the rule applied to everyone, not just SS who was the main offender.
It backfired, why? Because if SS isn't playing video games, I didn't regain my living room, no, it just got changed to TV time or something else in the middle of the floor.
So I ended up moving the game stations to another room (we had a TV in another room which was for the kids to watch TV anyway) and now I don't restrict, what do I care if SS rots his brain on games, his parents don't care - so I solved my problem by moving their problem.
Sounds harsh, but really, I solved the problem within the limitations put upon me.
Thanks, I think this is
Thanks, I think this is great. Only thing at my place, SO is adamant that x box be in the living room. He said his ex- wife, who used to live in our house, insisted x-box not be in the living room. And SO felt that was oppressive. But SO nonetheless kept x-box in SS' room while ex-wife lived here. But I know he won't move it back for me. Hense, my protest by not washing dishes. See, SS and SO were both here before me so I have to fight for my rightful place in this house. Ugh! That darn kid, he's really not as bad as some but he has way too much power in this house.
If we had two living areas
If we had two living areas that would solve the problem. I don't think xbox should be front and center in the house. But that's me.
Reading everyone's comments, I realize I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'm glad to have this forum and the helpful advice.
We did that with our
We did that with our game-playing tv hog and it worked. She did complain that she didnt have a nice flat screen upon which to play. So for Christmas we got her a flat screen for her room. She decided she'd rather have that at her mom's house since she was there more. She took it with her which I was fine with. But I made it clear that the living room TV was still not to be used for games and that she needed to use her less fancy/old room TV since she decided to take her new TV to her Mom's house.
SS already has a brand new
SS already has a brand new flat screen in his bedroom. SO doesn't want x box in his bedroom because then SS will hide in his room all the time. SO wants more family togetherness. Darn. Lol. But I can kind of see his point.
But it's not family
But it's not family togetherness if he's in the living room and you and SO are in your room. That's BS. Fine, let him play in the living room but I would personally tell the kid he can play from x time to x time.
This is sort of like when I implemented "piano hours" in my house. My SO has a piano. He plays pretty well. The 11 yr SD tinkers on it and can't play jack. It was driving me crazy that she would start tinkering at breakfast time or late at night. So one day I simply said, in front of SO, "from now on, piano hours are from 1PM to 10PM" and I stuck to it. I am sure they all thought I was a bitch but hey... My sanity is important.
wait a minute...he can't have
wait a minute...he can't have it both ways...either tv goes into bedroom OR time limits are set. i'd be damned if i had to stay in my bedroom all weekend. how the heck is it "family time" if dh is in his bedroom all weekend? tell him to go out and actually DO something with ss.
Yes! Thanks. I have nagged SO
Yes! Thanks. I have nagged SO about taking SS OUT OF THE HOUSE for one on one time, which SS really wants. I tell him don't just play x box with him that doesn't count as father son bonding time. I want them both to leave so I can have the darn house to myself for once.
I just change the channel or
I just change the channel or turn off the xbox on my kids heck I'll just change the channel on his kids too because I'm the adult I pay for and provide the tv, cable and the xbox is mine. No child will control my tv attitude or no. Want your living room back? Take it back that doesn't require rules for you the adult to sit down and change the channel. When the kid gets and attitude pretend you don't even see him, ignore him, he'll go complaining to dad and you can tell him there are no rules it's your tv too you don't have to follow rules that don't exist. Or go play the games with the kid and leave your SO in the bedroom alone I loved learning how to suck at Black ops, and halo I suck but it's still fun and my son loves the half hour or so I will play with him and he gets to tell ME what to do lol.
your dh may not want you much
your dh may not want you much involved in diciplining or setting rules with his son, but that is your home, too and you will have a say in how it's ran. i'd pick that damned tv up and put it in ss's room and if dh fought me on it, he'd not ONLY be doing the dishes, he'd think his whole world caved in on him. doesn't want to discuss? ok. you'll decide. ain't got nothing to do with parenting.
You are right on the money.
You are right on the money. He wants me to have nothing to do with disciplining SS. Which is fine for things outside the house, school work, etc. I don't need to be that involved. I just want my rightful place in this house. But this is not south a power struggle it turf war with SS, it's a power struggle/ turf war with SO who's not ready to cede any authority to me yet. I need to therefore find ways of incentivizing him to start the conversation about house rules. Not sure how long this will take. We shall see!
Yes, I see your point. I
Yes, I see your point. I think I am going to need a neutral party to help him feel safe and convince him that I'm not trying to run his life, or his son's life.
He's been divorced twice. The last ex he married only after dating three months. Not very grown up. And he is not the only one to blame. I need help in that area too. I've never been married.
Thank you for helping me see this. I love this forum.
What would SO and SS do if
What would SO and SS do if you said to SS....hey 5 more minutes then I want the TV. Save your game and turn it off?
In th earlier days, that
In th earlier days, that worked, SS would cooperate, but now that he's not allowed to play on weeknights, (SO's new rule) SS gets more possessive about his Xbox time on weekends. Plus, things have gone downhill between me and SS recently, he told his dad he doesn't like me. And SO, of course made sure I knew this during one of our spats. I'm afraid to even confront SS now. But I'll just have to get over that.
Compromise is a means to a
Compromise is a means to a GOOD MARRIAGE...not a slippery slope to being "Whipped" Sounds like your SO is very immature.
Yeah, I would just walk in
Yeah, I would just walk in the living room and change the channel to whatever I liked. Of course I have had zero relationship with ss for years-IF you actually have a relationship with the kid I'd just tell him you want to watch tv please finish up what he's doing. Take your so out of the loop and just be the adult of the house. IF the kid then gives you crap, I'd just tell him how it is. You are an adult and you are going to watch tv. If you are not watching it, then he can play xbox or he can ask his dad to put an xbox in his room