Completely over it or am I being selfish
Honest feedback is welcome and appreciated. A little background on my situation, I am 30 years old with 10 year old son of my own, my fiance is 13 years older than I am with a 19 year old son. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years but I am honestly considering calling it quits, the situation is beginning to be a bit much for me. His son is a recent high school graduate with no desire to go to college, right now he's not even working and it looks like he has no desire to do that either. His father has never set any rules or boundries with him which leads to SS believing that he can do whatever he wants. SO and I got into a huge fight over him a while back and I was accused of not liking SS which was not the case at all...now I despise him to honest. I just think that SS needs rules and boundries set, the boy doesn't even take out the trash and his father does not expect him to, he goes in the bathroom and leaves toothpaste all over the sink like he's 5 years old, I stopped cleaning it up after him and let SO deal with it. SO sees nothing wrong with anything his son does and it's frustrating.
We live in a two family house and when I went to the basement to do laundry, I smelt marijuana. I saw a cookie jar and peaked inside, there were large bags that were once filled with marijuana and small little distribution baggies. I went to SO right away and told him that that was completly unacceptable, I have a small child and there is another family that lives here. SOs response was "I'll tell him to move it" are you kidding me?? I was furious, I then told SO that he needs to have a long serious talk with his son. He's 19, and does nothing all day, he'll get up around noon to go smoke and comes back to eat and sleep then head back out again and does not come home until 2 in the morning and then even after that he's in and out the house all night. Rinse, wash, repeat, that his daily schedule. SO said taht he will talk to him but either he didn't or SS does not take him seriously.
Sorry if I am all over the place with this rant but I am just frustrated, if I say something to SS myself I know that my relationship will be over because I will NOT be nice about it at all and I honestly do not feel that it is worth at this point. Either way my relationship is over which sucks because aside from SS things are great. I just wish SO would grow a back bone and stop trying to be his sons friend and enabling him and be a parent.
***edit are my feelings valid
***edit are my feelings valid or am I being selfish? There's a lot more to it ( a lot more disrepect) but I just gave cliff notes here.
"Am I being selfish?" is a
"Am I being selfish?" is a fairly common question here. And almost always the answer is a resounding NO. But somehow we are gaslighted into believing that our normal expectations for a happy life are somehow too much, too hard, or otherwise wrong.
What would you tell a friend who was unhappy about having an adult living with her who did not work, was not in school, has no chores or responsibilities, and generally takes advantage of everyone else?
Stop trying to please your fiance by accepting a situation that you know in your gut is wrong. If he wants to live with and enable his slob of a son, ok, but you surely don't have to. And if he'd rather live with his son instead of you, then you can't be out of that relationship fast enough.
Sums it up
This sums up everything perfectly. If a friend were in my position I would tell her the same thing you told me. Thank you so much for this
What is up with these people
What is up with these people who are totally fine with their adult kids being lazy, freeloading failure to launch types? And in this case, a drug dealer? How can he have zero problem with any of that?
You say everything is fine otherwise, but how could you respect your SO long-term when he's such a terrible parent? And he doesn't care about your needs or your son's, only his son's "need" to sell drugs from the home.
Absolutely right
You are absolutely, after seriously thinking about everything it's clear that he will never put me first. I don't understand how some parents can be ok with enabling their adult children either. When I mention to SO about giving his son more responsibility he looks at me like I have two heads.
Absolutely right
You are absolutely, after seriously thinking about everything it's clear that he will never put me first. I don't understand how some parents can be ok with enabling their adult children either. When I mention to SO about giving his son more responsibility he looks at me like I have two heads.
Oh my god. So many emotions
Oh my god. So many emotions triggered from reading your post. I feel like I'm reading what my future might be.
First of all, you found clear evidence that he is distributing an illegal drug, which is a felony. He is living in YOUR home. You have every right to be concerned about your DD and want that ADULT out of your house. You should be allowed to have a face-to-face dialog with someone who lives in your house. Go talk to this grown brat. Let him know what you found, and that you took photos of it (take photos) and you will not tolerate illegal activity in your home. Let him know you will be going through the eviction process so he needs to leave in 30-45 days (depending on your state's law). If he's able to shape himself up by getting a job, paying rent, going to school, doing chores, being respectful, then maybe he can stay. SCREW your idiot husband at this point, you have every single right to step right over him and make this decision.
Is marijuana legal where you
Is marijuana legal where you live?
No
No it's still very much illegal here.
You could lose you bio over
You could lose you bio over this then. That should be enough to get out.
Ill Chime in
Ok, so where I live (California) we are very liberal about the ole MJ, and there are dispensaries on every street corner, much like Starbucks, or McDonalds. We even have special home delivery services available to us. SO, that being said, if its illegal where YOU live, and anyone finds out about this failure-to-launch SS's illegal distribution activities, then you could possibly lose your child. That all by itself would cause me to serve eviction papers, forget about the lazy and the lack of ambition to anything except getting high.
Also, Id say that 5 years is long enough to know if this is the right relationship for you. If you are bugged NOW, all these things will drive you insane. It is a special kind of hell to be trapped by marriage and mutual children, unable to fully move on and away. Therefore you are better off figuring things out NOW.
Have a GIANT heart to heart discussion with your Fiance. Give ultimatum. YES, he has to choose at this point.
And yes, you really do want to look at whether you want a child with this man who is showing you how he is as a parent.
My DH actually parents his child, SD14. He was not allowed to parent the eldest, SD21 Feral Forger. Shes not on a good pathway.
I have an adult Autistic SD
I have an adult Autistic SD that lives with my spouse and I half the time. While she doesn't do anything illegal, she's completely capable of going outside the home to do something during the day but doesn't. My spouse enables her and I am the devil from both of them (more by him than her) when I put rules and responsibilities in place and expect them to be done. Trust me when I say this, think very hard before signing the papers to make it forever because it most likely will not get any better. And based on my personal experience as compared to yours, you are 100% in the right to expect him to "launch". I truly don't understand the reasoning behind parents that willingly allow their adult children to do nothing. I think it's almost a form of abuse as it doesn't prepare them for the future when mommy and daddy aren't around to coddle and financially support their inability and unwillingness to be responsible.
Funny excuse my husband uses for mine to do nothing is "she needs to find what motivates her". The abiity to survive should be motivation enough - sure was for me over the last 30+ years.