Disengagement Advice
I don't fully understand the intricacies of disengagement. I have no real issues with SD10. She does what she is told when she is told...now. Thanks to me, to be honest. I got to her early enough to instill that.
I don't feel like I can continue to handle the amount of stress that comes with SS17 and BM. There's just so much rudeness and hate and then the endless threats and tireless manipulation.
My question is this: how do I disengage from SS17 and BM but continue to support DH as he handles it? The very mention of either of them effects me physically and emotionally. I feel my heart race and my skin flush and am instantly annoyed before he even tells me about the newest selfish bull crap they've pulled. So obviously I'm not the ideal sounding board but would hate for him to bottle it up. Visitation isn't an issue right now because SS is mad at DH and has quit coming over. It's the nasty texts and calls from SS and BM that DH needs to vent and I just can't listen to it anymore.
Any advice?
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You can't be the only person
You can't be the only person your DH has to vent his frustrations to. I bet you have friends or family members that you rely on for support outside your DH, correct? Heck, you even have this forum, and for a fee, could find a therapist!
Your DH has similar options. He can find an online group, go to therapy, make some parent friends to talk to, etc. If he sees his only two options as "tell my wife" or "bottle it up" then I think therapy to teach him some emotional intelligence would be super helpful.
Men resist therapy
Like the plague. They secretly think it is wussy generally speaking. They feel that SM should be their sounding board but that she should NOT offer ways to fix it.
Which is ironic because when women vent to men, men's first instinct is to problem solve/fix it and NOT to commiserate.
This is true! I don't know
This is true! I don't know that I could get him into therapy. He'll just "suck it up" like he always does.
Then let him!
Time to go into airplane crash mode. You know, they always tell you to put your mask on first, because you can't help anyone else (or yourself) if you are dead? Airplane crash mode.
Long term stress is horrible for you mentally AND physically. It will significantly affect your health and shorten your life. Physically comes after a pretty extended period of high stress - you are there.
Save yourself - this problem is 100% not your problem. You did not create it and you have done everything you could to try to assist. It is seriously affecting YOUR wellbeing now. He can learn to manage without dragging you down.
Airplane crash mode this shit.
EGADS
Feel you on this one.
SD23 Feral Forger and Toxic Troll BM. Husband rarely vents to me about them anymore. Too much hard feelings.
Does he talk to anyone about
Does he talk to anyone about it or just bottle it up?
Agree with Lieutenant Dad. If
Agree with Lieutenant Dad. If you need to not hear about SS and BM for your own health or simply because you don't want to, tell your husband you can't hear about it anymore and suggest that he try therapy if he needs support. As long as you are supportive in the rest of his life, it's fair and probably necessary for you to decline to support him with respect to his failed first family.
Alternatively
You can practice your neutral responses.
"That's terrible." (Then change the subject)
"That sounds like a predicament." (Then change the subject)
One of the most effective
One of the most effective things I ever told to somebody who used me to vent to was to tell them that I don't want to hear any more of your venting until you start to make a plan to solve the problem that leads to this venting.
Some people like to complain and like to be the victim. It's okay for you to set the boundary there because it takes up your emotional energy and your time listening to these issues that they have no intention of solving.
That is good advice
For warding off non family members who want to pointlessly vent, however with spouses, especially menfolk, will cause them to get defensive ultimately resulting in more stress and strife for SM.
This was my mother's approach
This was my mother's approach when I was growing up. When I asked for help with something, she always asked what I had done myself to solve the problem. If I had done nothing then she would tell me to go and try and come back only once I had done everything I could. I agree with you, very effective.
I had a whiny flatmate at one point who would go on and on and on? My response was to continue what I was doing (never even looked up) and say "oh dear what a shame never mind" - used to drive her crazy
My 2 cents
I have tried both ways. Sometimes I say something neutral and change the subject (like "that's nice" or "that's too bad"). Other times I get fed up and say I don't want to hear anything about SD because it disturbs my peace. SD is a trainwreck and will always be. I want my peace and don't want to listen about the latest crisis which SD creates herself. This is after 26 years of marriage and I have reached that point.
Same here. My skids are more
Same here. My skids are more like small dumpster fires than trainwrecks so I don't usually have to spend much emotional energy on them. And I don't want to completely stop DH from talking about his kids. But I also don't want to hear about the drama. So it's a combination of "Oh, good to know. How about those pork chops for dinner?" and "DH, I just don't have the energy right now."
I'm pretty irritated with SS right now, and DH tried to tell me something glorious about him last evening. He got the Mom look, and that was enough to shut down any further discussion.
DH needs to block SS until he
DH needs to block SS until he simmers down.
He needs to block BM also. Maybe allow only email communication. Or share a Google calendar with her for SD scheduling purposes, and block all other communication.
They are being abusive and he doesn't have to take it.
I disengaged from my SS prior
I disengaged from my SS prior to leaving my situation. I did what Thinkthrice posted. I would just give a generic response to whatever complaint my husband at the time had about his son or whatever information he was telling me about his son. I would give a generic response and then promptly change the subject. He finally got the hint and quit venting to me about his son (the few times he did get mad, he usually let his son do whatever he wanted). He quit telling me anything about his son - and it suited me just fine. I got to a point where I would completely ignore SS too because he twisted everything I said and did to get his daddy mad at me.
Then I got smart and left the situation.
LOVE THIS
Then I got smart and left the situation
You are a superstar *air_kiss*