Feeling so low
I haven't been around here in forever - just off and on sporadically making a few comments.
My skids are all aged-out and are mostly launched. I know I'm lucky in that...but I'm feeling so low lately and don't know how to shake it. I feel like I have no future here in my home. Nothing to give me purpose. It's all about my DH and his needs and wants all the time.
And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because he's really good and loving to me...he listened to me about most of the skid stuff and we grew a lot as a couple. He prioritizes me and he's lots of fun to spend time with. His parents are divesting their estate and now give us a large amount of money every year (the maximum allowable tax-free)...and he travels with me and lavishes me with stuff. I'm financially very secure with no mortgage...which is nice after the early years of our marriage when everything was a struggle with high CS, my graduate school, and 2 mortgages (my unsold home and our home together).
But I don't really care about all the stuff...and I can't get over the feeling that he used me for 8+ years to support his kids while he pursued his dream career...and what's left for me at the end of it? The cold, hard truth is he didn't even try to have a family with me, despite all my anger and tears and pleading. It was never a priority to him...I think he was just hoping I would lose interest and give up on it as my biological clock winds down...
I do still have time to have a kid...but with who? If I go the artificial route, I am certain that he'll support me and stick with me...so I could press the issue. But I'd worry that he'd feel resentment and that I'd always have the insecurity of knowing that 'our' kid wasn't really his idea. It could kill our marriage. Of course...the way I'm feeling now could also kill our marriage if it hasn't already.
What would you do in my situation? Would you go get the frozen sperm? Or dig in and try to love the life and the family and the friends that you have?
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How much do you want a child?
How much do you want a child? Dig deep and ask yourself how much do you want this? How much does it matter to you? Why didn't your H not want to have a child with you before?
If you decide on the frozen sperm route would H be ok with this? If he's not are you prepared to move forward and know he will not support you in this?
Love and be grateful for the life you have but if deep down you want a child you really have to do some soul searching on what you are willing and not willing to sacrifice in order to get it.
I would also add- do you feel
I would also add- do you feel yourself being able to be happy without a child of your own? If the answer is no, I think you need to do whatever you can to try and have one.
I'm sorry you're feeling that way...sometimes it just seems like it's so hard to just be happy. I feel that way sometimes.
For what it's worth, your helpful advice is missed.
Honestly, I don't know. I do
Honestly, I don't know. I do love and am able to do a lot for my niece and nephews and my much younger sisters...which is fun for me.
I 100% know that I wanted DH to get the procedure and try to have a family with me...and the resentment I feel over his failure to do so is really tearing me up. If we'd tried and it hadn't happened, I feel like I'd be OK with not having a kid and feel grateful for all of the young people I have in my life. I get to do very special things with my niblings (our short hand for the niece and nephews) and put time and attention toward them. I've also been able to help my sister in grad school. My DH is fully supportive of all of this and is now great with my family. He used to be horrible with them and make me feel like I had to sneak around to spend time with them...but once he saw what he was doing and realized how much it was hurting me...he genuinely changed and is now perhaps even more gung-ho than I am.
This is why I'm feeling so stuck. I am certain that if I put it to him as an ultimatum...we start a family or I walk...he'd have the baby with me and be fully supportive. But that's not how I wanted it to happen.
three words
I am a simple person at heart. I re-read your postings, saw your recent response, and my three words would be (because we are in similar-not-identical situations) "Go for it".
You sound like you have the "Baby-itus Blues". I wish I had been proactive enough, but I was footloose and fancy free before, during my potentially fertile years, and now I feel like the grasshopper in winter. I am 50. If I was in 40's with financial stability and resources, I would have gone for it. No question. I took all my mothering instincts and emotions and money and have poured them out onto someone elses child.
We are going to be buying a house soon. I have been thinking about my will and DH's will. Thinking about "who the heck am I going to give my resources to." And basically it comes down to "Toxic Troll's progeny. Not mine."
Powerfull stuff. I try to remember "this is Dh's child as well..." and also "well your stepfather adopted you and thinks of you as his own". Munchkin and certainly not Toxic Feral Eldest will ever even be close to the type of relationship I have with my Dad, with me. I will never have their loyalty on that level of parent and child. I am more like an Auntie, or "second mom".
So, go for it, if you think thats what you want or rather need in your life.
Good thoughts. :)
Good thoughts. :)
If I go for it...My will will reflect the $$$ plus-interest I put into DH's kids in favor of my own bios. If I don't, my sisters and niece and nephews will get everything from my end. My skids will be fine with what they'll get from the grandparents...so I'm not worried about short-changing them.
Any chance you can get into
Any chance you can get into counseling together to have a neutral third party discuss all these feelings?
That's probably the best idea
That's probably the best idea. Not sure if it would work or be a waste of time and money.
I'd go get the frozen sperm
I would . Being a mother is amazing and it fulfills me and brings me tremendous joy. I have an amazing career but being a mother for me is where it's at . My kids I get to shape and mold and build their character and values and their awesome little funny creative people. Do it.
I view this as
your are most likely now wondering what your role is. the kids are gone, the hubs met all his goals, you haven't. It is never too late to launch into that new career you wanted, go back to college to make it a reality if need be,or figure out other avenues that would make you happy. Maybe first figure out exactly WHAT would make you happy and you might need to entail a third party to help with that.(counselor).
You’re right.
You’re right.
The last thing I need to do is go back to school, though. I have 3 degrees (two bachelors and an MA) and an unfinished PhD
too much school might be part of my problem.
I have a couple ideas for things I’d like to do that would bring me fulfillment...I just don’t see any space for them in our life as it’s set up right now. I’m nearly 100% the breadwinner. DH’s parents do the $$ thing...but have only been doing so for the past 3 years. A lot of that $$ we’ve put back into DH’s ‘business’ which still isn’t making a regular, sustainable profit...and the rest kind of halfway makes up for the fact that DH has brought in less than one years full time salary in the last 5 years...kind of...not really...
I guess what I’m saying is...how do I carve out space for myself to explore some of the things I want to do when I can’t rely on DH to carry the financial load for a while?
Tell your DH
Tell your DH that a business that has not turned a profit after 5 years is not a business. It is a hobby. So get a damned job and stop letting mommy and daddy and wifey support your ass! You don't get a baby. Why should he get his "baby" of a business? You are concerned about him resenting you if you tell him it is a baby or you are out but you sound very resentful of him and with good reason. Why is it OK for you to have to live like that?
The way I see it, if he wants to keep his "business baby", you get your baby. If you give up your dream, he has to as well. Fair is fair. It seems to me that you are keeping him afloat and that you would be just fiine if you decided to support yourself and a baby instead of yourself and him.
spoken like a tax preparer
yep, its a hobby not a business, if its not making sustainable profit.
Definitely he needs to obtain sustainable employment. Although it seems like you are divided becuase his business has a cool vibe with cool experiences. I had that a while ago, with an ex fiance. Yeah, its cool, but adulting with your own child is also cool
I think I would go the frozen
I think I would go the frozen sperm route if I were you. You sound like you really want this. I have a child with DH and it was a long struggle to get there the first and second time (I'm pregnant with the second). I was never a kid/baby person when I was younger, but I was in my mid 30's when I met DH and although he had two kids, he was concerned that if I didn't start trying for kids early, I might regret it if I wasn't able to have them. I may have started trying earlier just because I knew that I could never stay with DH and raise his kids without having my own. We had his kids most of the time and I was resentful that their mother wasn't a mother and I was forced to take on that role both emotionally and financially.
Then, when we started trying and weren't getting pregnant for close to two years, I did feel regret about not trying earlier or taking my fertility more seriously. I feel very blessed that I have DS now. It was a long process and completely worth it. I probably would not be with my husband without my son (I still have a skid under 18 and he is a mess. I would have left DH if not for having my own with him). I didn't go through the fertility treatments for the second (my choice), but DH and I tried hard every single month for over 2 years before I got another positive pregnancy test.
I'd feel resentment towards DH if he wasn't totally on board with helping me get pregnant. He loves babies, so he was always on board. But, he's good after this one and is looking to get a vasectemy. We are both in our 40's now.