Crossroads - Adult Children Problem
This is my first time on this site and I am hoping that I can find some advice from peers that I don't seem to have access to anywhere else.
First off, I am married to a wonderful, caring, highly intelligent, beautiful woman who is my dream girl. We have been married for about 10 years and we dated for close to 4 years before tying the knot. We have 3 kids, 2 of whom came with the wife and the 3rd was an addition I provided. My two stepkids are adult children, one of which is in college and the other is trying to start in on college. While they were younger, these two would split time (50/50) between us and their father, who turns out was engaged just to lay his claim to his kids and to him, it wasn't about the kids well being. My wife was adamant about making sure that he had plenty of access to his kids - she wanted to be fair and really believed that they needed their father.
During the latter half of the teen years, it got difficult (not a surprise). Our teenagers were stretching their wings and testing their limits, of which their father had none (except on some days) and my wife and I had discussed and agreed to what our boundries were. It turned out that every time that a teenager would break the boundries, they would end up running away from the problem and go to the other parent's house. When this would happen at our house, it would take a toll on my wife and when the kids would return, she would often let go of some of the boundries, much to my disappointment since I am a huge believer in consistency with kids. I would get so frustrated with my wife and our teenager that I reacted badly in many situations and grew resentful of our teenager and the impact the behavior had on my wife. At one point, I was afraid that the teenager would go off the deep-end and walk away from my wife forever but fortunately, she finally saw her dad's true colors and came back to our house. Unfortunately with my wife, over time, the boundries have dropped time and again until now, where there really aren't any, despite my talking to her about it (often I was in a frustrated mood when talking about it which did not help matters).
As a result, it has now gotten to the point where their father is essentially out of the picture, one is off at college and the other is living with us. The one at home has decided that she has depression and anxiety and requires marijuana to get through the day, sleep through the night and eat. While my wife and I had agreed that one of the boundries of our household was no drugs, my wife waivered and finally has stated that if it were up to her, she would allow our teenager to smoke to manage her issues. I have never waivered and believe that we should be holding true to our boundry and support our teenager where possible (get her classes at a community college, help her find a job, provide the basics for her) but we require that she seek out professional help and we do not support self-medicating. My wife feels that by allowing our teenager to continue doing what she feels is appropriate, that she and the teenager can build a bond that would allow my wife to influence her to stop smoking and seek the help that she needs. (Please don't go down the marijuana rant path. I have my beliefs on the value of marijuana - there are some positives and some negatives to it, but just like cigarettes, I don't want it in my house or on my property).
Because of how I poorly handled my frustrations earlier, my wife does not trust my judgement in regards to our teenager and my opinion carries zero weight at this point. My wife and I have seen a therapist who stated that I just need to accept the teenager using marijuana so long as it is smoked outdoors before they come into the house - reeking of it. This is unacceptable to me but to compromise, I said that so long as I saw progress towards the teenager getting professional help (setting up appointments with therapists/psychiatrists and following through), I would lighten up. While she did start working towards getting help, it didn't last, so I am back to where I was before. This was incredibly difficult for me, since I have seen how the teenager rejects my wife anytime any boundry is erected around her until that barrier is removed. Recently, she has been threatening suicide, which, of course, adds another dimension. While I do not discount this as a legitimate and highly worrisome concern (I believe that we should do everything that we can to address it), we should not be compromising on our values.
My wife and I are not budging on either of our positions which of course has led us to an impass. Our marriage is suffering yet I have vowed that I will not leave her, primarily because of how that would affect the youngest. I love my wife and want to figure a way through this hardship because she does mean the world to me, but I hate watching her let herself get disrespected and run over and seeing how that spills over to affect the rest of the family. I understand what she is trying to do, but due to the history, I see the repetitive behavior of our teenager manipulating (conscously or unconsciously) my wife and recognize that continuing to condone this behavior will just make it harder on our teenager down the line.
I hope that I have been able to provide enough objective detail here to really give readers a decent understanding of the issue I am facing. I really have tried to keep my opinions and emotions out of this and tell both sides of the story, but I know that is impossible as I am human. Please believe that I am trying to do the right thing, not just for my wife and our teenager, but for the other members of the family to set a good example and create a safe home.
Again, I would appreciate any insights, thoughts, comments, questions from anyone with an opinion, even if it is to tell me to get my head out of my tuchus. If you have any questions that would help clarify, please ask away. I wish that there was a stepfather support group near me... maybe when I get onto more solid ground, I will start one.
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Comments
You aren't going to like what
You aren't going to like what I, and probably others, have to say:
This teenager isn't your child. Good, bad, or otherwise, they have a father who isn't you. A father who set no boundariea and dug his own grave regarding the relationships of his kids.
Your wife is digging her own grave, too. She is CHOOSING to allow her child to manipulate her. She is CHOOSING to not set boundaries with her own kid. Had you not been around to enforce some boundaries for yourself, your wife would like have parented much lime her ex.
You aren't Dad, no matter how much you want to be. No matter how long you are around, you aren't Dad. As the kids get older, they get to decide how much influence you have on their life. As minors, your wife gets to choose what your role is with them.
What I'm trying to relay to you is that you have no power over this teen in this situation. Their mother does. Their father does. You don't. Even if you have better intentions than both parents, they are the parents, for better or worse.
If your wife wishes to cave to her children, and allow them to self-medicate, and allow them to coast through life, you cannot stop her. The only person you have control over is yourself. If you wish to stay in this marriage, you do so realizing that your wife will always likely have soft boundaries with her kida because she WANTS, on some level, to be soft. Her kids are twisting her into a pretzel because they know she'll bend and fold. And she's okay with that.
So, YOU have to decide if you can live with a woman who disrespects not only her own boundaries, but yours as well. Love isn't enough to make a marriage work, and that includes the love of your child for their stepmother. If it is that big of an issue, and if she chooses not to change, then you have to decide if you can stay or not.
There is no magical advice to get your wife to stiffen up her boundaries. She either will or she won't. It sounds like she never has, and the best predictor of future behavior is previous behavior.
Thanks lieutenant_dad - while
Thanks lieutenant_dad - while I want to hear what people will tell me here, I am under no illusion that I will like what I hear. I have my perspective, but I know that it is based on my biases.
One clarification, the youngest that I added is not from another relationship, but my wife's and my child who we added about a year after we were married. As much as I always wanted to share myself across the kids equally, I have become overly protective of her due to the behaviors of the others in the household.
Thanks again for another perspective. It really does help.
I believe the marriage comes
I believe the marriage comes first. With that boundaries are discussed and some are non-negotiable. In your instance it seems as if the use of drugs is your non-negotiable. And that is OK!
Your wife can certainly be supportive of her daughter WHILE not crossing those boundaries. She needs to respect your position as her partner. Again marriage comes first.
My suggestion would be to be very clear on this issue being a no-go.
1. No drugs use by anyone under your roof.
2. If drug use is a must and wife wants to support that, adult child needs to move out. Wife can fund an apartment if she wishes. However funding that must not impact family and marital finances.
There is nothing wrong with having hard boundaries when it comes to kids. Especially adult children still living in your home.
Thank you dysfunctionality...
Thank you dysfunctionality... My wife and I used to be in agreement that the marriage comes first. When she came out of her first marriage (ex was an emotional abuser), she was the one who made it clear that we had to maintain our relationship before all else. But due to all the issues we have encountered and my mistakes in how I handled my frustrations, we are where we are. Which is why I am here. Thank you again for your perspective since I feel very much alone on an island.
First off, fire that hack
First off, fire that hack therapist who told your wife it's fine to let her daughter self medicate and use her self-diagnosed mental health issues to manipulate her. Second, find a new therapist who isn't a hack. This is hard and requires researching and interviewing several of them before finding one who is worth their fee.
I'm not sure what you did previously that renders your opinion on parenting useless according to your wife. I'm going to assume you lost your temper on her non-parented teens, which would be understandable. She has given her kids more power than they were ready for by allowing them to bounce back and forth between her and their father any time the teens didn't like the rules. Now they are drunk with it... and high. Good job MOTY! If anyone deserves to have their parenting opinion revoked, it's her.
These kid-adults will continue to bounce between their parents, depending on whomever gives them the most X, Y, Z. Don't kid yourself into thinking they are done with dad forever. They've learned how easily their parents are manipulated and they will continue to interact with them using these skills because it's worked so well for them for years. Icing him out for a year or so is nothing to them and just part of the manipulation: softening him up for when they grace him with their presence again.
You fell into the trap of thinking most of this was due to Biodad not having rules. Your wife played an equal part in this. She is not some innocent victims of her ex. Fixing this will be extrememly hard and it's obvious your wife isn't interested in the hard part of parenting. You can try counseling again (different therapist!). But what about your youngest child? I wouldn't want my kid living where people self medicate with pot and do whatever the eff they want with zero expectations or rules.
Thank you beebeel. Whether
Thank you beebeel. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, what you have captured here is really spot on my behavior and thinking. This really helps me.
First off welcome to the site
First off welcome to the site. While there are many more Step Moms here there are a few of us Step Dads and could always use more.
I have been and really still am in a similar situation as yourself, please read my previous Blogs they give a pretty complete history that is way to long to go into on a response.
Your DW is an enabler, bless her heart, I married one as well and as much as we love them they also frustrate us to no end when we know they are really just being taken advatage of and in all honesty abused by their own children.
Many here will say that you have no say in the upbringing of these kids because they already have two parents, I have always disagreed with that, your are a parent to them and an influence in their lives whether you intend to be or not.
If you have acted out of frustration in the past that is completely understandable, I have done the same many times and will probably continue to do so in the future.
The best advice here is what is called disengagement, simply put you leave all the parenting to the parents, easier said than done in alot of cases. This is not to help the skids really it's more to help you save your sanity, it works for some, there are different approaches to it and sometimes it doesn't work at all.
The other piece of advice that comes from here is to find a couselor that specializes in blended or step families, there are different dynamics in our marriages than traditional ones and you need a counselor that understands that, it sounds like the counselor you are seeing doesn't understand.
Set your boundaries and stay firm on them as best you can, there will be more fights with DW over these but you do have rights in your own house.
Keep reading other stories here and the responses as well, and keep posting, asking questions and reaching out. There alot of hardened veterans of Step life here with valuable insight and advice, be ready for some not so nice responses as well, pick and choose the ones that help and fit what you need for you.
The bottom line for most everyone here is to have a happy and healthy marriage in spite of skids, as the other posters have said MARRIAGE COMES FIRST.
First off, thank you to
First off, thank you to everyone who has replied. I cannot tell you how empowering your words have been to me. After being inundated with what I have been hearing and experiencing - I had started to doubt what I know is right.
My next goal, major blunder, is to read through everything you have posted since I need the perspectives of those who have been there. I am not going to bad mouth my wife, because while I completely and thoroughly disagree with her tactics, knowing her upbringing, experiences and mentality, and how those traits have helped her excel in helping the developmentally disabled community, I understand why she does and thinks what she does. She is an enabler, for better and for worse.
I am in search of a new therapist, but I know that’ll be an adventure since we had seen a different therapist before who I was more aligned with but she was rejected because she was advocating for responsible-love, not unconditional, but responsible. I know this is not going to be easy, but I need to demonstrate to my bio daughter that sometimes you need to fight and take the hard road to do the right thing. I hope that 6 months from now, I’ll have at least an up-tick in my mentality and optimism as we progress.
Thanks major, your reply has been a great help to me.
The marriage comes first
most likely SD is going to be on some type of medication anyway. First find a a good person to help yoir SD, look around ask people, DR , other professional for a good place to help your SD, your SD is running away from her problems with self medication. It’s not going to work as we all know. It’s going to be a long, hard road for both SD and your DW.
Right!!! Medication can make
Right!!! Medication can make a huge difference, provided you are working with an experienced provider and you are honest with them. We cannot force her to seek out treatment as she is legally an adult and even if she wasn’t, laws protect her health information and decisions from us.
So frustrating. Thanks Harry!
If marijuana were legal where
If marijuana were legal where you were, and she were under medical care including support for her pot habit, you might think somewhat differently. But I take it neither are the case.
So you made a mistake once. Big deal. I think your wife is using that as an excuse to ignore anything you say because it is easier for HER to go along with whatever the daughter wants. I've made many mistakes, in relationships, in my job, etc. We learn and go on. But neither my husband nor my boss tell me that my judgment and opinions are no longer trusted. That makes no sense and is just belittling. I'm sure she has made mistakes, too, but HER opinions are still valid? How can it be both ways?
I think it's true that you don't have a parental role in the girl's life -- neither the daughter or the mother seem to want that. But you do LIVE in the house, so you absolutely get to have boundaries and expectations.
Q
Agreed, if both of those were the case I would handle this dffferently. Marijuana is legal here, but she is underage and it is not a prescription.
My wife sees my suggestions not as structure but as punitive, which sometimes it is but in my mind that comes with being responsible parents. Partly since I have been in our teenager’s life since we was a young age, I feel that I can still have some influence, but I understand that It is unlikely I will ever be regarded as a true parent so long as I stick to my morals and her parents stick with their style.
Thank you Merry, I really do appreciate your perspective.
It's amazing to me that the
It's amazing to me that the hard rule was no drugs in the house, yet now that the daughter doesn't agree with it and refuses to follow through on therapy, you are being told you should change your mind to accommodate the daughter. What?! How is allowing her to smoke weed going to help her function as an adult? How will she get a job if she can't pass a drug test? Many people in the world suffer from depression and anxiety, and there is a thing called MEDICINE that is prescriped to help with it. Putting yourself at risk by allowing a teenager to smoke weed does not seem to be the only solution to this, and most certainly not the most logical solution. Your wife may be the ultimate Disney mom.
Tell your wife that you support helping this girl, but not at the expense of knowingly allowing an illegal substance into your house. There are other ways that make more sense, and those are the avenues you will support. First and foremost, seeing a therapist and getting on medications that can help manage her issues.
Or you could always just call the police next time SD is out there smoking weed
It is as amazing to you as it
It is as amazing to you as it is to me. I understand that a lot of this is based on fear, fear of fighting with her daughter, fear of losing her, fear of having to put her out of the house and I am sure some irrational fears I an not aware of. Parenting is hard and I get that, but not digging a deeper and deeper hole.
Thanks Step-girlfriend!