Question about step duties
Hi,
I'm quite new to this so I hope you will have patience with me and I will try to keep this post as short as possible. I'm in a relationship with my SO 2 years now (engaged for 7 months) and he has a 8 year old daughter from his previous marriage. He's tries to balance his Disney dad syndrome and guilt and I'm still too stubborn to disengage as I love both him and his daughter dearly. My SD an I have a nice relationship, even though I'm dreading the day that will turn and how my SO will react in that situation.
That being said, this is is my dilemma. This past weekend my SO had his DD with him, but as his mom usually helps out and she wasn't available he was on his own. Since my work schedule last couple of months was crazy I took that weekend as my R&R weekend and he knew that. I used Saturday & Sunday for sleeping, reading, drinks with friends etc. and he had activities with his daughter. Quick note, we live separately.
I noticed since Sunday that he was little bit off, but I just chalked it up to tiredness or some other reason. Well, it turns out that he is mad at me because I didn't offer to cook for him and his DD and he had to spend a lot of money taking her to restaurants. I usually cook when we are together, even when they sleep over at my place, but I really didn't feel the need to invite them or even to go to his place and cook.
Currently it's icy between us- I don't think I did anything wrong and he thinks I'm selfish, because he "worries when I'm eating, or if I need anything (I hate when he bullies me to eat) and I didn't give a fig what they will be eating or do they need anything". While I was thinking: I told him I need this weekend to rest, he is a parent, he is more than capable feeding his kid and if he needed anything he will tell me.
Any advice is appreciated,as I'm starting to doubt my reasoning. Was I selfish and did I need to help him(cook for them) or was I in my rights to have my free weekend? I know it seems as a small thing, especially as I see what issues some of the other posters have, but this is shaping up to be a mayor issue. Thank you for reading.
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Comments
He could of cooked, and not
He could of cooked, and not go to restaurants.
He was wrong, to make you feel that you had to cook for him and his kid. He is the parent !!!
Thank you Harry. He doesn't
Thank you Harry. He doesn't cook, his mom does it usually, and I do. It seems that I was required to take her place and help him, since I'm about to be a step-parent.
lol. Sounds like he's a bit
lol. Sounds like he's a bit coddled by his mama, no?
Men can cook and shouldn't count on you to do it. IF you do it...then it's a favor to him and ought to be appreciated, not expected.
Early in my relationship with DH, I would sometimes pre-marinade or put together meals so that all he had to do was pop them in the oven when the kids were there. He was a terrible cook who knew how to make 3 things, and it always threw him off when the kids came over (I didn't stay over while kids were there, and we took a while before I even met them...so I was cooking for kids I hadn't even met). I 100% did it because I was in love with him and I wanted to. I also really, really love to cook, especially for a crowd..it's relaxing to me. That said, I worked a pretty busy schedule myself, and he would never have dreamed of expecting it. If I offered, he was incredibly grateful. If not...he's a grown-ass adult...
DH has gotten much better about cooking and particularly likes doing breakfast. He's a morning person and I'm a night person, so it works for us when he does breakfast and I do dinner
Do not second guess
Do not second guess yourself!
You have nothing to do with his DD and taking care of her whatsoever.
And I also agree that his monitoring/controlling you not only in the name of his DD but with your time/choices in general is WAY off.
Don’t second guess yourself.
Don’t second guess yourself. You did nothing wrong. Why in the world are you carrying the burden of cooking for your SO and HIS child? Is his ex aware that he’s incapable of cooking for their child?
No, this isn’t something small. If you’ve been reading on this site, you’ll see there’s of plenty of step parents who have issues with their significant others, their child(ren), mealtime, and just food woes in general.
Don’t move in with this manchild until you get this issue good and squared away. If he acts like this now, just imagine living with him. Omg...
^^^THIS! What are your step
^^^THIS!
What are your step duties? None, other than to support the parent in their parenting.
They are the parent. It's their job to perform ALL parenting duties.
*** Dup***
*** Dup***
Red flag big time! He's
Red flag big time! He's grown man and capable of providing for his daughter. Sounds like he did that but didn't really want to. Stop making life so fun and easy for him when you are all together. See how his handles responsibility for parenting when you are around. If he tries to dump it all on you, then you have to take another look at this situation and decide if this is what you want to live with and divorce later.
Maybe that is one of the
Maybe that is one of the reasons I'm feeling guilty. I wanted to see how he would handle her meal times and picky eating ( which I pointed out to be an issue a long time ago) on his own, without help from his mom or me.
It's not so bad as it sounds,
It's not so bad as it sounds, I think... Since I found this forum I'm starting to see things in new light. My work is engrossing and sometimes I forget to eat, which is not an issue since my appetite&needs are tiny, but since he saw that, he always checks my "food intake" and brings me food even when I don't want him to. And now I'm selfish since he takes such good care of me and thinks of my needs and I don't care about his.
That isn't taking care of
That isn't taking care of you. That's controlling you.
I agree. Back off and enforce
I agree. Back off and enforce him to parent. Don’t give him the opportunity to blame you either.
If he sulks, or gives you the silent treatment, let him.
He *should* step-up and parent, whether you’re around or not. Step back and observe.
Also, this says a lot about his mom. As a parent, it’s your job to teach, or provide a source to teach, your child(ren) the basics of cooking. It’s a life lesson you give to you child(ren). His mom never taught him how to cook? Now your SO is dependent on his mom (or another person) to cook? How convenient. That’s a lot of baggage to take on in marrying this guy.
Does your So live with his
Does your So live with his mother? Just curious as I can't imagine a man old enough to have an eight year old daughter, yet can't manage to cook a simple meal for himself and the child.
I hope this incident (your SO being so upset) teaches you to slow things down and prolong your engagement period. He's not ready to get married. He is bringing a child into the marriage and he just showed you he 100% believe taking care of the child should be your responsibility (or his mothers).
Major red flag.
He lives with his mother and
He lives with his mother and she is main "caretaker" of all things domestic. He can cook few dishes but his DD is a picky eater which is an attitude I tried to curb, but when he threw me under the bus for being too strict I gave up. Me being to strict was: I asked my FSD to have minimal portions and eat them and than to take seconds if she is still hungry. And than I found him hiding in the kitchen and eating her dinner, which she asked me for: half a slice of bread(no crust) with cheese spread and ham.
How can somebody not be able
How can somebody not be able to cook. Boil hot dogs, fry Hamburg. Boil pasta and Jared tomato sauce. Mack and cheese in the box
That four tings plus a bunch of canes Beans ect
So he can’t boil water??
It seems it is not an issue
It seems it is not an issue if he can cook, but the insolence of me not offering to cook that also shows how little I think of them. It sounds like unnecessary drama to me, but he is adamant that I'm inconsiderate and rude.
You are not responsible for
You are not responsible for him and in turn his daughter. If he can't parent her then he needs to step up not get mad at you for not picking up the slack.
Use this as a warning and consider if this is what you want for you. You weren't wrong to want the time to yourself and he is wrong for trying to make you feel bad about it.
I wouldn't say he's wrong for wanting help but he needs to communicate that in a different way and accept if you don't feel the same. He can go out and find someone who's more than happy to spend every moment cratering to him and his daughter if that's what he wants but he's not right to try and guilt you into being that person.
Do not marry this man. He
Do not marry this man. He can't cook for himself and his son? No. Move on.
Maybe the issue is that I'm
Maybe the issue is that I'm quite a good cook. Not bragging but it's a passion, and as such I'm capricious cook, as I cook when I'm in the mood. And this weekend I wasn't. I really don't know... This tantrum of his really caught me off guard.
To top it all off, last week when I wanted two of us to have a dinner date, he told me he is saving money and then the whole weekend they were eating out and knowing where they ate it wasn't cheap. And now I'm to blame for his spending. Mind boggling.
Not acceptable at all.
Not acceptable at all.
Stepmoms get made the scapegoat for anything and everything ALL THE TIME in blended families. Shut that nonsense down now...quick. Don't accept it.
I used to get all worked up when DH tried to place blame on me for kid-related nonsense. Tried to argue with him and show him how wrong he was...gave him dozens of counter-examples of me being a GREAT stepmom. All of this plays into his trap...the assumption that you should have to worry about being a 'great' stepmom in the first place...sticking up for yourself feeds those expectations.
Then I just stopped arguing...the most I ever said if he tried to say I'd failed in stepmom stuff in some way was: "Hmmm. Interesting. I don't see it that way at all."
No explanation. No argument...just: I disagree. And then nothing else. Eventually, he started owning his own crap more often and quit making it about what I did or didn't do.
Please consider a long
Please consider a long engagement. There were many red flags in your post starting with "I hate when he bullies me to eat." There is a big difference between "encouraging" you to eat because he is worried about you and "bullying" you into eating because he is controlling.
Is part of the reason he is marrying you because he wants you to take over his Mom's role in his life? Does he expect you to take care of his daughter and all domestic chores? Is that a role you really want?
I would be very leery of taking up with a man who still lives with Mom. What is your relationship with her like? Will she be willing to let go of her son and granddaughter if you move in together? There are horror stories on this site of over-involved and controlling mothers-in-law.
Frankly, your SO sounds like a bit of a controlling jerk - please try and use your head as well as your heart as you move forward in this relationship.
Very good point.
Very good point.
Thank you for taking time out
Thank you for taking time out and writing this detailed answer. I googled phrases you wrote and some of them were eerily similar to what I'm feeling and some of the things I suspected but never dared to pronounce since everyone around me sees him as this charming and easygoing person. And yes it's always my fault, even when he is completely and utterly wrong, somehow it will turn out to be my mistake. He even sends me horoscopes that detail all of the "failings" of my sign, never mind that I don't believe in horoscopes at all. And it's always negative...
Sorry if I seem all over the place (talking about horoscopes) but my mind is now churning out all of the instances and red/yellow flags that I disregarded and all of the things I thought I can change.
You gave me a lot to think about and it seems I have to face some harsh truths and confrontation that I honestly dread.
Many, many abusers are very
Many, many abusers are very charming to other people and most of their friends would find it difficult to believe they are abusive. It is how he treats you when you are alone that counts.
Please save the advice from StepRightOff so you can re-read it in the future.
I've read your post at least
I've read your post at least 5 times. We had a huge fight and even though I stood up for myself I have started doubting again, making excuses and to forget all of the things he said and did. And then I read what you wrote: "You know that tightening in your stomach on way too many occasions". And I do. I feel it coming and my stomach clenches and I think what have I done now :sick:
Thank you immensely for every word you wrote. Now I need to pull myself together and sort this out.
WTF..... you did nothing
WTF..... you did nothing wrong, keep on living separately and I would seriously be thinking about ending this relationship.
Make it clear to your SO, he's a grown man and should be able to cook for himself, ask him why is he dating you to have a chef and made handy for his lazy ass and free sex? Be blunt.
Take a stand now and simply tell him to act his age and not his shoe size, he's not in a relationship with you for the cooking, cleaning and sex, it's about you the person.
I agree with the others- it's
I agree with the others- it's not your job to cook. He needs to learn how.
I will say, even though I refuse to eat them- there are plenty of frozen skillet dinners that have everything in the bag- chicken, veggies, pasta- that can be cooked by the 8 yr old they are so easy. They are super cheap too. I would but him 2-3 to stick in the freezer and tell him that now he can cook too!
You want to marry this
You want to marry this manipulative, abusive, man-baby?
First off, you are not
First off, you are not selfish for wanting a weekend to yourself. Don't let him tell you otherwise. And I agree with others that his bullying you to eat and the like is not taking care of you, it's controlling you. Second, this is NOT a small thing. This is a huge issue and it brings several problems to light.
Why is he living with his mother and how long has that been the case? In my world, grown men should not be living with their mothers except in temporary or unusual circumstances. If he's living there to help or take care of her, or because he's covering a large portion of her costs that she could not otherwise afford, I can understand that. If he is in between houses/apartments and it's a very short term thing and he's paying her rent, I can see that as well. If he's living with her for his own convenience and to have live-in help with cooking, cleaning and child care, then the red flags are flying.
How in the world does a man with an 8 year old child not know how to cook? An 8 year old isn't looking for gourmet meals. My SO has 2 and 5 year old girls and, while he might not be making them the most balanced, healthy meals in the world, he is certainly capable of making macaroni and cheese, hot dogs, soup, hamburgers, chicken nuggets, anything on the grill, frozen vegetables and a lot more. Heck, I could make myself a meal with a microwave when I was a lot younger than 8. There is no excuse for a grown man having to go to a restaurant because he is not capable of making a meal for himself and an 8 year old. And to blame YOU for the fact that he had to spend money on restaurant meals? That's crazy and major deflection.
It sounds like he is not a good communicator, either. The fact that he EXPECTED you to cook for him and his daughter, even though you'd told him you were taking the weekend easy, is ridiculous. If he really wanted you to cook for him, he could have asked. To expect, and then act like an ass when you don't meet his expectations, is beyond entitled. He should be grateful that you make him meals, and express that gratitude. Is he looking for a partner or a free maid/cook/babysitter?
Finally, it sounds like he expects you to take responsibility for the care of his child (cooking, etc.) without having the ability to discipline (dealing with her picky eating, etc.). That is a recipe for disaster.
Your SO has given you a lot of things to think about.
Before ever moving in with
Before ever moving in with him, you need to be sure he can cook and take care of his DD himself!!!! If you end up being his maid, you are in for a lifetime of regret.
My SO (we also live separately) loves to cook for his DD. That is something a father does!
You've received advice that
You've received advice that is correct, sincere, and kind. I hope you'll be smart enough to take it.
I have a few things to add:
1) The female skid/SM relationship is the most difficult in a blended family. And unhappy skids find it easier to target an outsider that a parent.
2) NEVER, EVER get involved with a father who can't/won't parent. ESPECIALLY if he's allowed his momma to assume the mother role.
3) NEVER date a momma's boy. They're always looking for a woman to take care of them, and it's never done as well as momma did it.
4) Never date someone abusive.
I can't count the number of young women who've come to this site after becoming involved with men who are crappy parents. And there are some whose dynamic includes skids who were farmed out to grandparents to raise. This may seem sweet, especially to those of us who hail from families that were less than loving and supportive, but not when it interferes with the normal healthy parenting dynamic. Instead, you've got a lazy man who doesn't want to parent and uses ugly tactics to manipulate you into doing it for him.
So many red flags waving here. He's a weak man of low character. He's a poor parent content to push his responsibilities off on any convenient female. And he's willing to use manipulation and abuse tactics on you.
This man is NOT marriage
This man is NOT marriage material. Since things are "icy" between you why not take it a step further and go "iceberg" on him until he decides to grow up.
He is not your son, you do
He is not your son, you do not need to make sure he eats. He is a grown man with a daughter. Holy smokes. Red flag, red flag.
Thank you,everyone, for your
Thank you,everyone, for your answers, kind words and hard truths. Every cell in my body rebelled against his words but stupidly I couldn't pinpoint what is bothering me and I felt guilty and mad at the same time. I don't have anyone to talk to who was in similar situation and since I'm always a guilty party I feel ashamed to talk about most of the stuff that is happening.
I'm dreading another "discussion" about this. He says that I've hurt him terribly, and since he thinks about me and my needs always and I was so thoughtless I should apologize. I don't want to and especially after hearing your advice I'm adamant about it. But that will just inflame him more and turn it into a fight with his emotions all over the place. Everything is drama for him, it's like he craves these stupid discussions about things that wouldn't even happen if he would just ask and communicate with me.
I don't know what to do and I have terrible urge just to run.
That urge isn't terrible,
That urge isn't terrible, it's sensible. A lot of women are on this site because they didn't listen to their gut and ignored the huge red flags.
"He says that I've hurt him terribly, and since he thinks about me and my needs always and I was so thoughtless I should apologize." This is a huge, UGLY piece of manipulation.
Look, I know it's easy for me to just sit here behind a keyboard and say RUN. But I've got 25+ years of stepping under my belt, adult female skids, and a spouse who abdicated his parenting responsibilities. And you know what? Despite his shortcomings, he would never stoop to this sort of controlling manipulation.
I'm telling you, your instincts are sound. Tell this guy it's not him, it's you and end it.
Go with your gut. Run, run
Go with your gut. Run, run fast and don't look back is what I wanted to recommend.
You hurt him terribly because
You hurt him terribly because you didn't offer to cook? How would he react if you really hurt him?
The more information you provide, the more unhealthy this relationship seems. He is controlling you and "gaslighting" you - which is when he is tries to convince you of something that you know is not true. ie you should apologize for not offering to feed him and his kid, when you know you didn't do anything wrong. (check out the movie "Gaslight" sometime, it is a classic.)
Listen to your gut, it will never steer you wrong. You need to breakup with this guy and never look back.