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Stage 5 clinger

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:03pm

Background: My SO works nights and sleeps from 6:30pm-10pm. Skids are with me during this time, which is whatever. SS12 is a nonfactor really- I'm surprised that kid hasn't started peeing in bottles so he doesn't have to leave the video games in his room. He comes out to use the bathroom and say goodnight, that's it. Fine by me.

SD9 (soon to be 10) is a cling-on. With my SO too when he is awake. It's nice that she loves me, she is a good kid and we get along well. But no matter what we're watching she will sit next to you, and if she doesn't want to watch she'll play on her phone, but either way, she is right at your side. Some days she will go to her room, but lately that's rare. Anyway, we've found some shows we like to watch together, and for the most part it's fine- I don't mind if she's there, we watch our shows or bake, and it's good. But for the love of God, I can't handle her glued to my side every single minute of every single night!!  We ran out of shows this week and I'm watching a show that she literally just watched with my SO, yet she sits right next to me, playing on her phone. She has a TV with Netflix, a Nintendo switch, nail polish, toys, hair stuff, and anything she could possibly want in her bedroom, but nope, there she sits. She gets chatty a lot and will interrup whatever I'm watching, although she knows if I don't answer it's a hard no on interrupting at that time. Still, it wears on you. I can only hear so much 4th grade girl drama, and last night she interrupted so much trying to get me to teach her cat's cradle that I literally wanted to strangle myself with the string.

Honestly, I'm just getting burned out on having a stage-5 clinger glued to my side. I like alone time. I don't understand why she would want to just sit there when I'm watching something she's not interested in. Especially when there is more to do in her room! Even if she's being quiet, it's more the fact that she's there and I'm not alone. I know some people struggle with this with their skids (Pickles!), but what about everyone else? Did your bios act like this at her age when they had their own stuff in their room? Do you tell them to go play? We have skids 10 days in a row, 4 days off, so this is a lot of days to deal with this.

Last night I nicely said, SD, I'm going to watch this show- I know you've already seen it, so you might want to find something else to do. She went to play at a friends house next door, but when she came home at 8 she was at my side, on her phone. I finally said, you know you can watch Netflix or play Switch in your room...Of course she didn't go. When I was a kid, I would have been told to go find something to do, but for some reason I feel guilty because she's not my kid, plus she is a really sweet girl and I know she just wants to hang out with me, and she does get hurt feelings. You can see her face kind of fall and I end up feeling bad. She co-sleeps with Crazy and I know she's up her ass when she's over there too.

Ideas? I don't want to snap on this poor girl and I don't mind spending time with her most nights, but there has to be a happy medium.

Comments

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:14pm

I often ask my SD to go do something. I just phrase it sweetly, like 

"Hey SD, go play in your room for a bit? I'd like some quiet time and I'm gonna be watching a show that's not appropriate for you." 

She never seems to mind. Just happily trots off into her room to play with toys. 

I think it's important to teach kids that everyone, including (or especially lol) parents need some time alone now and then. They benefit from it too. She's got a good imagination and I think it's because we've always encouraged her to play in her room alone. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:54pm

I have done that a few times- asked if she would go play and that I was watching something inapproprate. Or I'll just flat out lie and say I have a phone call with a friend (there's nowhere else for me to talk but the living room really, and I need privacy), I need to do some work, etc.... I just hate that that's the only way to get her out of the room for 10 minutes...For the love of God, go play!

I agree on teaching them about alone time- I need it for myself, and it's good for everyone. Crazy isn't doing her any favors by co-sleeping and sharing a bedroom with SD at her house. She just thinks she always has to be with someone.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:22pm

That would drive me stark raving mad.  I'm an introvert and I need my down time.  I have to deal with this with my dogs at night - make sure they are petted, make sure they play a bit, etc, then they might LEAVE ME ALONE. 

I think SO has to become involved - I'd have him say to SD, "SD, you know SGF really cares about you, right? But she works hard all day and she needs a little quiet time to herself to relax.  Can you play in your room some in the evening if she asks you to? You aren't doing anything wrong, she just likes a little time to herself," or something like that. 

Then, I would say to her, "SD, lets play a game/watch a movie/whatever, and when we are done, I'd like you to take some time in your room so I can have quiet time."  or the reverse - give me some quiet time and then we will play a game. 

Some kids are better than others at entertaining themselves. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:59pm

Tog, same here- I'm an "introverted extrovert"...there are times I really like to be social and want that interaction, but many times I prefer to be alone. Prior to meeting my SO, I lived alone for 10 YEARS. It was amazing. This has been a huge adjustment, and my SO just doesn't understand how being with 2 kids the majority of the time can be really hard on someone that likes to be alone. He is an extrovert, never needs alone time. So he doesn't get it and of course he thinks of it as me just not wanting to be around skids.

I think I'm going to have a talk with her tonight and explain the difference in people, how some need alone time, and she didn't do anything wrong. I am going to bypass my SO though, because I don't want him to needlessly get defensive. I just cannot argue about skid stuff.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 4:45pm

I'm just an introverted introvert and I lived alone for years before meeting DH. Thankfully, he's an introvert too, as is SS, so we could all spend hours and hours doing our own things.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 6:33pm

Well, SS is gone now, but DH and I spend hours just doing our own thing with the occasional interaction.  It's awesome.

agitated's picture

Submitted by agitated on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:40pm

one of my bio twins (boys) used to do this ALL.THE.TIME at about 11/12 years old. I would walk in the door from work and he would be there, yapping my ear off, follow me to my bedroom and make him turn around so I could change, then into the bathroom while I washed my face, and back downstairs to the ktichen. He would then stand there and yap away while I prepped everything for the next day and made dinner. I would get some relief after dinner when it was time to read for 30 minutes, practice his instrument for 30 minutes, and then 15 minutes for shower time. This is when I was usually cleaning up dinner, vacuuming, etc. He would then follow me upstairs and lay in bed with me and watch TV. NOTE: my DH was downstairs; we watch different shows and I prefer in the bedroom.

I finally had to tell him that I needed some space after work. He has to give me at least 15 minutes when I walk in the door to decompress from the day AND when I go upstairs to watch TV it's my way of saying I want to be alone, but occasionally he can watch with me, IF he asks first. It took some reminding but he caught on.

I would explain to your SD that you need some alone time throughout the evening and gently remind her each time she "forgets". She will eventually catch on and it will become habit.

BTW: my SD now 16 used to be a little clingy too, but nothing like my DS14 or your SD.

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:43pm

My mom finally had to tell us that we could not talk to her until she had been home for 15 minutes. She got 15 minutes to transition. THEN we could harangue her with our day.

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 4:10pm

I don't know why I didn't think to explain about needing alone time earlier....I've explained to her that her dad and I need a little alone time each night when I get home, so she's started leaving us alone in the kitchen instead of being up our ass like she was before. I think she'll get it, I just want her to know I definitely am not trying to be mean to her.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 8:04pm

Just explain to her that some people are like batteries and when they have to deal with people all day, they get drained while others get recharged. You are the draining type and need quiet time to recharge your battery. 

ITB2012's picture

Submitted by ITB2012 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:42pm

When he was about that age I would have something on that I wanted to watch and I knew he didn't like the show but he'd stop on his way through, stand there, then sit, then be there for the whole thing. I started saying to him: Just because it's on doesn't mean you have to watch.

It finally worked.

Is she scared of something or does she think she has to entertain you? That happened to a friend. He kept thinking his daughter was sneaking out of the house at night because the deck light was on. (Though she was always in her room when he burst in to check.) But they had only moved into the house in the last few weeks and I asked where the light was in relation to her window. It was right below it. I told him that it was very possible she's freaked out by the new houses noises and she's using it as a nightlight because she thinks she's too old to admit she's scared. Turns out that was it.

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 4:08pm

Maybe she does think she has to entertain me. Crazy is teaching her co-dependency by sharing a bedroom/cosleeping, so that's not helping. I plan on making it very clear tonight that she does NOT need to entertain me, and I think explaining the difference in people- how some need more alone time than others.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 3:48pm

Does your SD have stuff she's supposed to be doing, like homework, in the evenings? Does she have friends nearby, or activities?  I assume you can't just retreat to your room because your SO is in there sleeping. Is there another room that you can go to?  FWIW, I find that nothing sends my (much younger) skids into their rooms faster than me starting to do housework and inviting them to help.

TrueNorth77's picture

Submitted by TrueNorth77 on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 4:07pm

Omg ndc, get this- I actually was taking a class at home last year/earlier this year, and this girl would sit right next to me while I was watching videos on my laptop (it was real estate, very boring stuff), and when I took my headphones off she was like, how far did you get? Is it time to take the test? How many did you get wrong? Because she wanted to help me with my class and was interested in the tests! lol. I actually found that endearing, but nothing deters this girl!

She has all of her homework and chores done by the time I get home from the gym around 6pm, so her nights are free. She has a friend next door and they go in spurts- some weeks they play a lot, some not at all. Lately it has been almost never. In summer it usually amps up, so I'm hoping I get some relief that way too. I look forward to her shower nights because it means I get 15 mins to myself!

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Thu, 04/04/2019 - 8:17pm

Oh no. If you're looking forward to her showering to get a break, that's not okay. You need more time to yourself. I second explaining what it means to be an introverted person and why people need time to recharge. Seriously, nothing wrong with it or mean about it at all. I'm introverted, and even with my own 17-month old son, I need time away from him now and then - not to be away from him necessarily but to me ALONE with myself. I absolutely adore my time with him, but I miss my time with me. Everyone deserves space. 15 minutes isn't enough.

Tell her to go do her own thing for an hour. She's old enough. 7 year old SD spends 2-3 hours at a time in her room playing, especially on weekends. 

 

elkclan's picture

Submitted by elkclan on Fri, 04/05/2019 - 3:03am

Wow. We have to MAKE them spend time with us. If we let them, we could spend an entire EOWE seeing them only at meal times or when they need IT support. But we have no screen time in the day and we do take them out, so they are spending hours with us. 

secondplace's picture

Submitted by secondplace on Fri, 04/05/2019 - 9:58am

When my SDs were around the same age as yours, they were very clingy too.  Whatever room we were in, they had to be there too.  All four of us had to sit on the same couch to watch boring kids tv shows.  Whenever we visited relatives, they were right beside us on the same couch.  Once they hit 12 or so, they started easing away from us and were often found in their room, on their laptops or phones.  Now they are 18 and 20 and we have only seen them for occasional dinners for the past couple of years.

So there is hope for you.