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So over this kid

TrueNorth77's picture

So last I wrote, SD15 aka Demon was refusing to go to school, but Seeing as how she had no other options, She has been going, and has actually been doing fairly well. She is the Manager of the volleyball team, but still seems to have minimal friends, as tends to happen when you act like she does. She has been working a bit and going to therapy, so that's something.

Still, Demon doesn't want to be in school and has not let the online school thing go, and I assume she has been begging Crazy to let her do it since This wknd Crazy sent DH 3 separate messages telling him SD "needs" to be in online school because of issues with teachers and parents. The issues with teachers is that Demon says "all the teachers at her school suck". So, obviously that must be true and she should do online schooling. Crazy wrote again later and said SD was accepted into online schooling and "all SD needs is for someone to make sure she's online for her classes". And she's even willing to let SD go to her house on our days to do it. She works from home 3 days a week. So what about the other 2 days? SD wants to sleep and is not motivated, I am the only person who WFH every day and I am NOT DOING IT. It is unreal that she is trying to force this to happen, knowing that I would be stuck with Demon and some of this responsibility whether I want it or not. DH told her "absolutely not- I do not consent to online schooling". 
Crazy said, it looks like we may need to get the courts involved. Sure does! All because you will not tell your child no and you cannot see any of her manipulation - "all the teachers suck"?? They have been bending over backwards to accommodate Demon, and even immediately moved her to a different (better) class when she was in one with some boys she has had past issues with. Demon has even told a friend of ours that she wants to do online schooling so she can sleep. 
 

I am beyond livid with this nonsense and the fact that it's still even a discussion. I highly doubt this will go to court or that I can be forced to do anything, but SD not accepting our answer is infuriating. It's not helping that she has been with us since the 6th, because DH and I are going on vacay this Friday and had to do a ROFR switch. DH arranged for the makeup custody days mostly when I would be out of state for work so I don't have to deal with her, but Crazy stated she would be sending SD over several extra days and DH just let it happen rather than fight with her. So she will have been here for 20 days and she has been absolutely miserable to be around. She found out I was leaving for work last Sunday and begged him (after I was gone of course) to stay home from school the next day. She kept arguing and it ended with her yelling at him to "Shut the f*ck up". And she got zero punishment. Which...let's just say it's lucky I wasn't there. 
 

Another day DH told her she had chores to do and after whining repeatedly about how stupid chores were she asked if we even do chores when she isn't here. Yes, cause your 5 mins of unloading the dishwasher (which was her only chore that day) and half-assed partial cleaning of 1 bathroom is really just carrying the household Demon. Like she's Cinderella. 
 

I essentially ignore her now except to say hi. I officially do not like this child, and I used to think she was a good kid and had a great relationship with her. I know she's a troubled teen and her mom is actually crazy, but she is not easy to like right now and it's sooo hard to even have a conversation or even try to talk to her. She doesn't look at me or say anything first anyway so whatever. 

Comments

JRI's picture

On top of being a step PITA, she's 15, the armpit of youth.  I feel for you 

TrueNorth77's picture

I lol'd at the armpit of youth. 

AlmostGone834's picture

This does not bode well for her future. At 15 the clock is ticking for adulthood. Starr letting your DH know that when she inevitably can't take care of herself after HS, she needs to go somewhere else permanently. Online school. Ridiculous. Just wants to stay in bed and sleep. Although I will say, it seems everyone gets pushed through HS these days so they'd probably find a way to get her to graduate even if she did nothing all day.

TrueNorth77's picture

Oh we have had that conversation already many times, trust me. DH 100% agrees she cannot stay here if she can't adult. Both skids have been brought up knowing that if you don't go to college you are working FT and moving out. We are not the parents that enable kids to live at home until they are in their 20's. Thankfully we are on the same page about that because that could be a marriage-ender. 

Felicity0224's picture

she asked if we even do chores when she isn't here.
 

This is so absurd it made me lol. Reminds me of the time BM claimed that the only reason I "allowed" SDs in my home was so that I could make them do all the chores I didn't want to do. No, BM. I understand you're okay with living in filth, but I actually am not and so ALL the chores get done regardless of who is or isn't here to do them. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Crazy tells Demon we are too lazy to clean so that's why we have Skids do chores. Lol. No, it's so they don't turn into lazy inconsiderate slobs, although it doesn't seem to be working... DH ended up in a big argument with Demon after the chore debate also. I cannot with this kid. She's been doing these same chores since she was 7 and she wants to whine and argue 8yrs later??

AgedOut's picture

she wants to cause a fuss over one thing so she can push to get her way on the other. 

Little Type Amy's picture

I have some experience with that whole Cinderalla Syndome rubbish myself. It was too much to ask SD when she lived iwth us to so much help with something as simple as washing a dish or two. Acted like it was some foreign concept. It wasnt long before I was the evil SM for so much expecting anything, like  clean home that wasnt allowed to turn into a pigsty like BM;s ( no joke , it was nasty)  Hence the inspiration for my Profile Pic, LOL. I guess i turned out the be that Wicked SM ( who is also a devoted cat lady) instead of a Disney Princess after all. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I had this "cinderella story" pulled on me too - when the SKIDs lived with us. One of them in particular would tell people and act as if he was mistreated and doing SO much for the household when in fact he did absolutely nothing to contribute to chores in the household. I remeber asking him to clean A window- ONE window. Just spray the windex on and use the paper towel. Suddenly his "anxiety" spilled out leaving him unable to accomplish the task. Then he spent weeks telling people how horrible stepmom made him clean all the time and that he was given so little. Ummmm NO buddy - you are 20 years old, still living at HOME, pay no rent, don't have job, sit in the basement playing video games all day or wailing ony our guitar. Stepmom works full time, makes meals for the entire family and on her weekend cleans the house - stepmom asked you to clean A window during your 20 year age retirement from doing anything and that was JUST TOO MUCH. Don't fall for that crap and hopefully you can find a way to get her out by 18 - focus your energy on THAT PLAN.

thinkthrice's picture

Once Chef started seeing the light and assigning a few miniscule chores to the ferals, all hell broke loose.  You would have thought we had them building pyramids in the back yard.  Which ramped up the backlash from the Girhippo and even Chef's oldest half sister who should know better as she herself has been  a SM twice over!

Little Type Amy's picture

"*ROFL* 20 year age retirement from doing anything " I susepct that SD29 is following the same "Plan" as SS and I also know the whole  using "Anxiety" as a constant excuse for why they "can't" do anything routine.Meanwhile, they are really just Lazy.. My SD has been on a leave on absense as she put it..for about the last  5 years since her last short lived gig fell through. Before then and since, she had  sitting around mooching off public assistance like BM. ( Who also has the same so called "retirement plan for her future "which means they have none to speak of.  Im sorry ,but how does someone "need a break" from pretty much doing literally Nothing??? 

Rags's picture

I advise not slinging around the label of "Troubled Teen" without a full on brain disecting scientific Dx of that.   The label it rather than deal with it via effective parenting and disciplinary models does no one any good.

IMHO, the odds of her having an actual viable case of whatever syndrome of the month is popular to give shit parents a get out of jail free card excuse are slim and none. You and her father seem to be the viable adults and reasonable parents in all of this. BM, nope.

I cannot even immagine the painful slowly torturous miserable life we would have experienced if we had pulled this kind of crap with our parents. 

That BM is on board blaming the teachers and parents pretty much serves this shit spawn up to a life of non-performance.  

Your withdrawal and realization that she is what she is, is wise.

IMHO.

Take care of you. 

ESMOD's picture

The reality is that the best thing for her to be doing is dealing with the difficult parts of life.. and learning how to manage adversity.  You don't get to run from every problem and the coping skills she learns.. the ability to get along with others.. all of that will be much more useful to her than any amount of online schooling.

 

TrueNorth77's picture

I completely agree. And she isn't even being bullied- we are keeping a close eye on that. If that were the case and it wasn't being handled...yes that would be a huge concern.  But DH and I both did not have it easy at all in school. He had no friends. I had friends but was bullied. We both struggled and understand what place Demon is in. We also know she hates school and is playing the no friends angle for all its worth to get out of it. 
Tonight she laid it on especially thick to DH and said she doesn't see why she can't just try online school while we are gone for 3wks (it's only 2). He said no- we have been in her position and we know it's not best for her. I'm proud of him but also think he needs to shut it down harder because she still thinks she has a chance. We both think she can handle this- she just thinks online school is an easy out with the option to sleep in.  

Yesterdays's picture

said she doesn't see why she can't just try online school while we are gone for 3wks

Because one she starts it's inevitable that she will continue. She knows this. She wants to get to that point. Once it's rolling it now becomes the status quo. She would try really hard those 2 weeks. Which is why it's so important she doesn't ever get that chance to begin with and just keep saying NO

TrueNorth77's picture

And once she does it, Crazy will find reasons why she can't go to her house that day, and I will be stuck with her. No, Nope, No f*cking way we are going down this road. DH also just realized she is missing 3 assignments, so she has 2 F's and a D in 3 classes. And this is while she is IN SCHOOL. Yet she is supposed to be trusted to do this all on her own?? Ok demon, sure. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 

Rags's picture

With the exception of the social stuff, I have done both models of school.  My Undergrad, all 11yrs of it, were in brick and mortar institutions.  Including engineering school which was insane amounts of work.

Grad school I did online.  Both are viable education models. However, for anyone needing F2F support from instructors, staff, etc... the only option for that is brick and mortar.

I applaud that you and DH are taking the zero tolerance route and keeping her nose to the grindstone. Once she gets her HS diploma, or GED, and she gets her new set of luggage for a graduatio gift, she can navigate the rest of growing up on her own time, her own dime, in her own place.  Then.... her learning will really power up.  

Enjoy your trip.

Harry's picture

DH caves in on all SD crazy plans but he holding out that she is not going to live with you as a adult ? ?  Good luck with that one. 
'You must make it perfectly clear you work from home abd can not have any distractions I.e. SD.  You don't care if SD firs to school or not. But you are not take care of her for online school.   Since no body can supervise her she must go to physical school.  
'If this kid can't make it in school. How is she going to make it in the world.  With no schooling, her job market will be limited to jobs people don't want to do to start with.  How is she going to go to work every day ?   That's why she must go to school 

TrueNorth77's picture

I've gotta be honest Harry, idk where you got that DH caves in on all of SD's crazy plans, because he doesn't at all. He usually tells her no to most things. And he told her no to online schooling again tonight. He 100% does not want her living here as an adult, and she won't be if he wants to stay married. He can barely make it 2 weeks with her at the moment. 

thinkthrice's picture

I was tormented and bullied EVERY SINGLE DAY at school (ala the movie "Carrie").  My parents told me to suck it up and that it built strong character.   

It motivated me to take on extra classes and credits to graduate HS a year early with honors.  There's nothing  worse than raising an over sensitive offense taking entitled children (spoiled).  Bullying isn't fun when you're the target but it sure teaches you to deal with people since you'll never eliminate bullying.   Sorry but the modern Anti bullying movement zero tolerance is sheer utopia and flies in the face of human nature.  

Rags's picture

I was the target of bullies myself. First when I was about 7 or 8yo.  That was a time when the kids where I lived were a few years older.   Then more frequently starting in 5th grade extending through 9th grade. It did not end until I was in my last of 4 high schools that I was in for 3yrs.  Each new school, I had to end at least one bully.  Interestingly I only had the physical bullies to deal with. I was a low key mellow well behaved kid and did well accademically and in sports.

I hated fighting, it still frightens me. I was in 6th grade when I had had enough.  A kid who bullied me wanted to fight. He was a minion of an older kid at a near by Jr. High. They had both bullied me in 5th grade. When I had enough I let them both no that I was done and if they tried anything again it was game on. After school one day they and a group of other kids surrounded me near the bus pickup lane at school at the end of the day.  The kid who I was supposed to fight was an accomplished wrestler. Something I am not.  He said he would not wrestle if I did not hit him in the mouth. He had a mouth full of braces. I told him if we were going to fight that the first thing that was happening was I was going to knock his teeth and dental hardware down his throat.  He chose to avoid that. Though the older kid from the Jr. High threatened me at that point. He was at least a year older but shorter than me.  For some reason when I took a step toward him, he left.

That time corresponded with my epiphany that getting hit hurts so if I was going to hurt, the bully was going to go to the hospital when I responded with overwhelming violence. A couple of years after the above incident I was in Jr. High.  A kid I was in elementary school with was a big time track star who I started beating in track meets. He decided bullying was a good idea. It wasn't. He and his year younger minion jumped me in the courtyard after lunc where all of the kids hung out and socialized until the class bell.  As I got up from the older guy jumping on my back, the younger guy jumped on my back. As I got up I drove off of my legs and hit him right in the mouth sightly on his lower lip than his upper..  His lip exploded into two flaps that hung on either side of his teeth, he backed up and I turned for the older who who put up his hands and took off running.  The kid I hit needed his teeth wired to stablize them and reconstructive surgery on his lower lip.  I got in no trouble. Both of them were suspended.

Bullies are cowards. They need to be immediatly confronted, most effectively by their target.  The target needs to bring pain beyond measure so the bully would avoid them at all cost.

The next school I was in when we moved, a group of boys tried the new kid.  They made the severe mistake of targeting me in the pool.  Bad move. I was a champion AAU swimmer and when they surrounded me and started punching on me and attempting to force and hold me under I did not struggle. I went under. and proceeded to immasculate all of them. They were puking in the pool holding their highly traumatized testicles.  A couple of them had a ruptured testicle, the rest ended up with balls so swollen they could not stand up straight for several days.  I had a split lip and bruises.  It occurred at Gym class during the swimming element of school.  The coach saw it, other kids saw it. I did not get in any trouble.

I had a couple of more incidents through HS but nothing bully related.  Though with those incidents I did not back down from someone thinking I would.  One ended up arrested when he assaulted a smaller kid a few months after thinking it was a good idea to go after me. The other, ended up in prison a couple of decades later.  He was one of the Texas 7 who escaped from Max security, murdered a police officer, and were the subject of a nation wide man hunt.  He was a couple of years older than me.  Our conflict fortunately was long before he started his career as a violent criminal.  As far as I know anyway.