Make it uncomfortable as possible for her to want to live with you. And since you are bringing in the money then there is NO extra for her! She is an ADULT she should be on her own to handle her own crap and will only keep doing what she is doing b/c she knows that she can mooch of you guys! Stop giving her money or anything she has to find a way to get it for herself.

You pay the bills - make sure you control all of the cash flow. Next time she gets in legal trouble - and from the sound of it there WILL be a next time - let her swing. No money for an attorney or bail. Guilty daddy is going to have to deal with his darling being represented by a Public Defender (some of whom are really quite good but they are incredibly overworked and underpaid!). And no cushy private rehabs - state funded only.

In the mean time stop buying her favorite snacks, letting her control the tv or have any "adult" imput into the household until she starts functioning like an adult. Make her life as uncomfortable as possible and KEEP YOUR VALUABLES LOCKED UP!

You are describing what I truly fear is my future with my SS16. I can guarantee you that if FH permits him to live like an adolescent in our house as an adult he will never again take a shower without me turning on the dishwasher or flushing a toilet and dumping freezing cold water out of the shower head. The washing machine will mysteriously "eat" items of clothing and the power supply to his 'xbox paradise" bedroom will become oddly unreliable. And when he has friends over I will be indulging my sudden passion for marching band music and Broadway soundtracks played at top volume. Oh, do I have PLANS...... }:)

Sounds like it is time to sit the husband and daughter down to a discussion as to how life is supposed to work. Children should be raised with the expectation that they will become independant, self supporting adults.

The sooner any child learns that that there are consequences for bad choices the better. If she gets herself in trouble with the law then she needs to pay the price. Otherwise she never learns from her bad choices.

If she enjoys the luxury of eating,shelter,and transportation then she needs an income. She may not have a job now but there is no reason not to set a reasonable time limit to get a job. ANY respectable job.

You took on the responsibility to support your husband while he finishes school. Did you agree to take on the responsibility for his adult daughter? If not then he needs to be footing the responsibility. How willing is he to quit school and get a job to support her needs?

It is easy for him to be generous towards his daughter when he is not the one sacrificing anything. Everything in life has a price tag attached. It is not always money. The price tag to continue coddling this other adult may come at the cost of his education, his having to work to pay for her mistakes in life, or even him having to sell a few of his belongings to provide for her expenses. When that happens, being generous can lose it's appeal.

My situation was a little different since I married a man that was retired on barely enough to pay his own monthly bills. I was the one pulling in the larger majority of income. He was generous with volunteering what ever his adult children asked for. There came a point that his generosity made me feel taken advantage of. I told him that anything he agreed to without my approval was totally his responsibility. If he made promises or commitments that he was not in a position to fullfil, he could sell his belongings, stay home while I went on vacation, or increase his income by getting a job to pay for his generosity. The generosity stopped. His choice. He was not so interested in giving up his comforts of life,

You have the advantage of the relationship being new, you can 'start as you mean to go on'. I'd sit them both down, let them know you love them both and commend DH for finishing his degree and ask SD what her plans are...in front of DH so that he hears her response. I'd be saying that until DH completes his education it's going to be tight for a while financially. Ask SD what she can do to help. If she is unresponsive then express your dissapointment to them BOTH and suggest that SD finds an alternative because you just cannot afford to keep everyone. What about her mother? I think I might tactfully suggest she shares herself around family members but she's always welcome to visit...I think I just threw up in my mouth at that one but I said it so I am not sure if I take it back or not...yeughhhhh
It took a whle for DH to wake up and smell the coffee here too! Now it's tough love for them and they are out of the house and making their own way.
Keep asking relevant questions, that way they are compelled to THINK of answers and then they have to 'justify'...and it takes a while to run out of justifications...it is worth hanging in there though because it does happen.
When she goes to jail, it's kind of inevitable from what you are saying, then no bail! Put a tighter reign on the finances and restrict access to DH too...I understand he's in school and striving for a good job but until such times as that happens he's ON YOUR RIDE! This ride comes equipped with BRAKES!! You are the one who has the financial power in reality. If you wanted to you could set up a separate account to syphon off funds for 'emergencies' of your own. Anything of monetary value should not be visible or a temptation to SD. It really does suck to have to hide valuables though, I've hidden cash before so's SKids did not steal it. Our uncle got so sick of adult kids that he and our aunt did not keep food in the house, they ate out ALL the time and did not invite the kids. The dishes were not washed? There were no dishes iether!! You can build you up a little 'strategy' that is less obvious than that though. If her favorite things run out then conveniently forget to purchase them. Keep only healthy items in the refrigerator, a minimum quantity. It's actually not that expensive to eat out, when you consider all the items you need to purchase, the time it takes to prep and cook etc. I think I would also keep a bathroom tissue for me and let her use the cheapy ones. Soap and shampoo and toothpaste etc. can come from dollar stores, except for your own use, just think of the spa day you can have with the money you save on those items! You can leave out cheap laundry detergent for general use too. Hey, tell them you have to make good economic choices. If SD wants expensive products she can work for them! Set her a 'payscale' for chores and she might develop a work ethic but it's highly unlikely. Drive her out subtly by setting chores for her and when they are not done, and if DH doesn't do them for her then it's out the door! One parent I know woke up the son and locked him out of the house during work hours...no way was the kid laying on them!! I heard it said that people who are looking for work should spend as much time looking as they would working...damn I wish I could find the reference for you to show her. I'd try not to make it about competing for status in the house...you KNOW you are queen bee so you really do not have to flaunt it. A quiet air of authority, calm, do not dignify crap and most certainly do NOT get into negative discussions with her, what they call 'pissing contests' because the second you dignify that she considers it a victory in her shallow little mind. I wish you all the luck in the world, I know where you are coming from and it really sucks but things do improve in time. I urge you to maintain your OWN self first and DH is your next priority and SD is waaaaaaayyyyyyyy down on the ladder. Once she sees you are not going to enable her and her daddy is on your ride resentments will set in and she'll try to pick quarrels...hold your ground with dignity. When she starts trying to goad you tell her that this is how things need to be right now, you are sorry if it inconveniences her. I had to locate all my hot buttons and metaphorically switch them ALL off. It works!!

Here's the problem enuf, you have to say this to your SO. Me or the kid(s). You refuse to live with them. You're trying to find a way to make everyone happy, usually the mom ends up being unhappy. It's just not an easy thing to do. You WILL NOT CHANGE HIS OPINION of his daughter. You won't convince him that he's hurting her with his actions. The only way he will learn is all by himself. Only he knows when scorched becomes fried. You can not take him to that point faster. I say this through experience with my own son. No one would have been able to convince me. I had to go down the path at my own speed. You will probably have to either leave him or accept that she isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Sorry. But, it's true.