Pregnant teen SD moving in with us!!
This is my first post ever, just joined. hope i can vent & feel better. I am so frustrated!! I have 3 SC whom I have been raising for 10 years because their mother committed suicide. They are 11. 12, & 19. I also have a 19 year old bio daughter. The 11 & 12 yr old for the most part do not remember their bio mom so no issues with that. Although I get frustrated that I don't have the same feelings for them as I do my own, but I would never let them know that. The real problem is the 19 year old. She has always been very difficult. She has always lied, stolen & has been disrespectful to me from the beginning. I have tried hard to treat her as my bio child (who is also 19) but she doesn't appreciate anything I've done for her. Shes had years of counseling & guidance but nothing worked. We sent her to college last year & spent $20,000 on her college education her freshman year. She decided to party & flunk most of her classes so we stopped paying for her education. Well she moved in with friends & started smoking pot & drinking. She hardly spoke to us for months. Now she has gotten herself pregnant even though I paid for her dr apts & birth control prescriptions & even called the refills into the pharmacy for her. She told me she just didn't take them... Well the real problem is that my husband feels bad for her now and agreed to allow her and her felon 23 yr old boyfriend to move in with us until they can get jobs & save enough to move into their own place. He told her this without discussing it with me first!! They got here a few days ago & all they've done is play video games & sleep. I'm so mad I could scream!! My husband is very laid back & has never really parented any of them that has always been my job... So I am always the bad guy!! I can't believe he would allow this "man" to move into our house & influence our other children this way! We have been fighting nonstop about it. To top it off, yesterday my SD informed my 11 yr old daughter that she was naming her baby after her alcoholic abusive bio mom who committed suicide! Unbelievable. I'm at my wits end!! Any advice please??!!
Ok, Let me get this
Ok,
Let me get this straight. You have a FELON living in the same house as your bio children.
Mom- you already KNOW what the answer to this is.
Stick your boot in a few asses and get them out! BEFORE they 'establish residency' (normally takes 10-14 in most states) and you end up having to spend the time and money to evict them.
^^Please listen to this
^^Please listen to this before it's too late and something horrible happens!
These ladies above said it
These ladies above said it all. HE needs to go. If your DH wants to let SD stay for a little while, fine but the BF is out the door! You can do this Momma! Kick his stoner ass out!
(Ps- I would be pissed about the name too!
)
NOT NO...BUT HELL NO TO THE
NOT NO...BUT HELL NO TO THE FELON. As for the SD, I let her stay until you got her in a home for pregnant teens. She will better off in a home in the long run. They are not just going to give her a total free ride and wait on her hand and foot. There will chores and rules reforced...I am pretty sure of that.
Speechless.... That's all I
Speechless.... That's all I got.
Well if you live where we are
Well if you live where we are a felon is perfectly fine to have around kids :jawdrop: BM's drug addicted fresh out of prison BF moved right in with her SO took her to court. The mediator told her she needed to make better choices left custody the same.
Something similar happened to
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. BM shacked up with an ex-con. Nothing can be done with custody because the courts did not have any evidence that the kids were in any immediate danger.
My SD is a schizophrenic who
My SD is a schizophrenic who has tried to commit suicide several times. The state and social welfare agencies don't seem to care that she is alone with a small child with special needs. The child's special needs are not being met because SD can't even take care of herself, let alone a toddler who can't walk or talk. CPS has been called several times (no I didn't do it), the police and the local crisis center. SD found out and has been in hiding for almost a year. BM knows where she is and won't give her up. Amazing. CPS was called on me because my mother took a wooden spoon and slammed it against the table to get my kids attention. This was long ago. Sure enough, CPS investigated me because my kids were in counseling at school because I was divorcing their dad. The counselor thought my mother was using the spoon on their butts which she never did. We lived with her when we left my ex and she never touched them. I didn't mind dealing with CPS because nothing was wrong and they were just doing their job. I had nothing to hide. Now they have a report of a schizophrenic running around with a child and it seems like they do nothing. So they run to my place over a wooden spoon and don't follow up on a schizophrenic who doesn't take her meds, stopped seeing the psychiatrist and doesn't go to therapy. I guess it would be fine if she moved in with a felon too. Oh and CPS could find her as she receives child support and welfare. :? :jawdrop: :O
Question: Has your husband
Question: Has your husband actually discussed the HUGE amount of responsibility required to raise a child with SD? From the way this post sounds it really looks like your DH is giving SD and her boyfriend a free ticket. I can understand feeling *somewhat* obligated to your kids in order to help them get on their feet but your SD and this boyfriend of hers don't seem to have a clue as to what is in store for them. I shudder to think what future this unborn child has, but as others have mentioned, there is only so much good a person can do in this life. You need to look after you and yours.
The baby hasn't even been
The baby hasn't even been born yet and these 2 already need help? So, they can't afford to take care of themselves so they have decided that bringing a baby into this world is a good idea? I read that you made sure your SD had birth control and access to health care and she still got pregnant? Then she says she "just stopped" taking her birth control? Are these 2 irresponsible adults unaware of what causes a pregnancy? Sounds like someone wanted to get pregnant on purpose. I feel sorry for you. So, they both use drugs (marijuana I assume). I hope SD has stopped using, if not she is guilty of child abuse. If the baby is born with a positive toxicology screen the hospital will call CPS. If the father of the child is still using, I guarantee they will never have enough money to "get on their feet". Where is all the money going to come from on order to prepare for the birth of this child? Diapers and formula alone costs hundreds of dollars a month. It was expensive 15 years ago when I had my first child. My idiot SD did what your SD did, she had access to BCP's and still got pregnant. In my case , princess wanted attention. She uses her baby like a weapon to try and make everyone feel sorry for her so she can get what she wants. My DH no longer gives her money. Ha Ha; poor princess. The baby tactic didn't work on daddy!
What a disaster and they are in your house; I feel so bad for you that your husband didn't have the courtesy to ask you first. I suspect he didn't ask you as he knows you wouldn't have approved of this horrible mistake. My fear for you is that once they move in, you won't be able to get rid of them. Another poster here had a good idea; let them apply for welfare and then she can be the states problem, not yours. The baby's father better quit using drugs and get TWO JOBS to support the SD and their baby. If they stay with you then there is no motivation for them to become responsible and deal with their mistake. Seriously, if they stay in your house you will be awaken when the baby screams in the middle of the night. Then these 2 idiots might try to use you and your DH as on-site babysitters. I will hope for you that your DH gets his head out of his a$$. It's time his little princess take responsibility for her actions. She's never going to learn if she's allowed to live with you guys. Who knows, she might go for baby #2.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Pack up and go
NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Pack up and go to a hotel for a couple days- if you have to put it on a credit card. You seriously need to think if you want to be in this situation.
TRUST ME- I've been there, done that. It's horrible, awful and chaotic.
She had it made with daddy supporting her and her kid and she got pregnant again :jawdrop: Baby daddy was on drugs and left her. FDH said she had to go to school blah blah blah- took her a year to even sign up. We had to force her to do everything that has helped her succeed.
You will be the convenient babysitter even when you don't want to you will feel sorry for the baby bc SD won't know what to do or she won't do the right thing, you will be miserable with crying screaming kids- rotten milk bottles left. Shitty diapers in the kitchen trash. You name it, it will happen and if daddy cakes didn't even talk to you about this :jawdrop: Please believe he's not gonna hear nothing you have to say until you leave and tell him how it's gonna be. If you don't wanna move out give them a timeline and a date. STICK TO IT
You will be miserable- I have no idea how I made it through but I did, I would never EVER do it or go through that again. FDH and I were still very in love so I was blinded but I told him I was moving into my own place. It did take some time for her to get assistance but she was out within a few months and now we hardly ever see her
I did get FDH to see the light- he felt guilty but I want to be happy and have my home as my place too. It never was when they were there.
Why do these fathers always
Why do these fathers always feel guilty when their precious little brat daughters run amuck making mistakes? I just don't get it. Finally after 30 years (I've been around for 7 of those years) my DH has stood up to his spoiled princess. He's sick of her abuse. Of course the guilt at first was tremendous but he got over it. Hopefully for this lady, her DH will come around the way mine did. It sickens me to hear that she has to go through this. Let the brat pay for her mistake; it's the only way she will learn!
Never in a million years
Never in a million years would I allow this to happen in my home! Right now, your SD is learning that she can do whatever she wants and daddy will always step in to rescue her. What's going to happen to her when daddy isn't able to save her from herself? IMO, your SD and her BF wanted to be "adults" and make a baby, so now they have to grow up and actually act like adults - that means that they need to get jobs and (GASP) pay their own way! :jawdrop:
I understand your DH feels bad for your SD, but he isn't helping her or her BF to grow up. Instead, he's hurting them by keeping them from maturing and becoming responsible for themselves. In the process, he's putting his marriage and his other children at risk! I'd have a serious talk with DH (PRONTO) and let him know that while you understand he's trying to help, that he's actually hurting everyone instead. I'd let him know that you'd be fine with getting information needed for your SD and her BF to get a job, healthcare, housing etc., but that you will not help to enable adults to become nothing more than users and abusers. If your SD and her BF are allowed to stay, it'll be next to impossible to get them out of there and there'd be absolutely NO incentive for them to grow up and make a life of their own. I'd also be willing to bet that your SD will end up using this baby as a weapon against you and DH - basically, either you guys do whatever she wants and give her whatever she wants or you don't get to see the baby. You and your DH both have to be prepared for that kind of manipulation - if this is his first grandchild, he has no idea what's most likely in store for him. DH and I have already been through this with my SDs who learned how to use kids to manipulate people from their own mothers. While not getting to see the grandkids is a shame and we've been viewed by some as heartless people, it's a heck of a lot better than the alternative of constantly being treated like dirt! Please - for your sake and for the sake of everyone else involved - don't allow them to move in!
I agree with everyone. The
I agree with everyone. The baby becomes an instant weapon. SD kept her child from us. In 3 years we've seen him maybe 4 times. No bonding ever occurred however he's really cute. This is DH only GK. Brat princess now refuses to speak to us so there goes my DH's grandchild. When SD was having her tantrum she accused us of making no effort to see him. She lives only an hour away which is no big deal; we enjoy car trips. and the baby's father told her to invite us to GK's birthday party(an hour away. We would've gone). Princess never told us. We found out when the baby's father called my DH to apologize because he had to kick SD out because she's so abusive and crazy. I can't believe the father lets her take the kid on her own. She's schizophrenic and no longer on her meds. Very scary.
Thank all of you for the
Thank all of you for the advice. I KNOW you are all right. I hate that my husband has no balls to stand up to her. When I asked him why in the hell would he agree to her to let her BF move in with us at all, he said she told him that she wouldn't move home without him! So he's letting her set the rules! I am packing to head to a hotel until he pulls his head out. I told him he had better have a long talk with them & give them 1 month to have jobs & moved out. I hate that it has to come to this but I am not enabling my SD any longer & especially not her loser BF! Thanks everyone!
So if she won't move in
So if she won't move in unless baby's daddy get to come then DH should've said too bad. Wow this girl has power. Good for you for leaving to a hotel. I hope you stay at a luxury hotel with a spa. You deserve it!
Good job! You are doing the
Good job! You are doing the right thing. SD doesn't get to make the rules! BF has to go or if she insists he stays with her- they both go.
Thanks I will pick up that
Thanks I will pick up that book today & deliver it to him.
Ha Ha. Donor. That's
Ha Ha. Donor. That's hilarious
Update: told my husband I was
Update: told my husband I was leaving for a hotel until he gets the nerve to stand up to her. Well he agreed to have us sit down with the SD & BF & get them a list of our expectations like going out every day all day &'look for work until they are both employed. We also gave the, a deadline to be gone of october 25th. Well, guess what! They said they don't like us telling them how & when to look for work so they are moving back out in the morning. Fine by me! I think she needs to learn some lessons the hard way! I don't know where she plans on living because he has been living at his grandparents house (at 23) & they won't let her stay there. (Good for them!!) he doesn't even own a car. I'm sure she will be back but she better come with apologies & without him or else she won't be staying here either!
just wait until the real
just wait until the real world gets a hold of them. lots of things people will say to them.
then they wont be as proud.
better they move out anyway.
Good job ! You did the right
Good job ! You did the right thing and it has paid off. So , they don't like the rules about looking for employment? To effin bad!!!! See, the entitled brat was looking for a free ride. I'm really happy for you. Excellent work on your part. I bet you feel so good right now.
So they didn't like rules,
So they didn't like rules, huh? Isn't it amazing that as soon as the SKids realize that Daddy is no longer playing their games, they no longer want anything to do with any of us???
once the Sd and boyfriend
once the Sd and boyfriend establishe residency you will have to evict them to get them to move out. establishing residency varies from state to state. sometimes its 30 days and sometimes its a few weeks.
do not let him receive mail at your home. you will never get rid of him.