You are here

is it me or my mate

TooNewTOoknowBetta's picture

Submitted by TooNewTOoknowBetta on Fri, 07/24/2009 - 7:46pm

Okay so I have been in this relationship on and off again for about 4 years... and to be honest I think we are not the most healthy for each other ... for we love each other differently but I am wondering at times if the love is one sided... i.e. I find myself having his daughter on most occasions, functions, events etc.. most which of recently he doens't attend. for the various occasions the child has to be dressed. Due to his limited incomde he rarely purchases her clothes or provides finances for me to do so. I find myself purchasing her things while I am out with my daughter... sometimes I think I do this so will not feel like a black sheep and then part is because I do want her to look presentable. The problem or question is ... I am my daughters sole parent and rarely can afford these luxuries and find that this takes away from my own childs well being.. if it's program I wanted to take her to, or camp, club she wants to join, a new pair of shoes I know she needs but and keep her old ones atleast for the next couple of weeks to a month.. things like this.. not to mention he doesn't assist with my child expenses... his main contribution to our household is the rent, while I handle everything else... and this just started with in the last year... before that was my bill too... what do I do? how do I handle cutting somethings out with out hurting someones heart?

Comments

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 4:24am

speaking with him about it? Maybe he will be more understanding when you tell him you just can't afford it right now?

TheCharm's picture

Submitted by TheCharm on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 7:08am

he has gotten comfortable letting you do these things. And unless you voice your displeasure, he doesn't know that you have hard feelings. You need to have a chat. Make sure you take responsibility for doing those things in the first place otherwise he'll get defensive and respond "I never asked you to buy her things!".
You may want to sit down with a list of your household expenses and divvy them up in line with each of your incomes. I had to do that with exH and it worked so well, money was one thing we never fought about.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 7:16am

mentality. My I-Ls have this virus too. For someone with the entitlement virus it is never fair that they don't have what others have. Stop paying for stuff for his kid. I understand why you do it and I agree that it is a magnanimous thing for you to do but you are not doing yourself, him or his daughter any favors.

Kids are smart, she knows that her Dad is not providing for her. What she also knows is that guilt over her situation is providing her with exactly what she wants even though her father can't or won't step up. The risk, IMHO, is that she is being given a graduate degree level education in manipulation and how to play the guilt card.

Sure, bathe her and make sure her clothes are clean if she is accompanying you on an event or outing, but let her wear what her BioParents provide and participate in what her BioParents make available to her. If she is not a resident in your home, it is not your duty to provide her with equity to what you provide for you own child.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 5:54pm

My SD10 will ask "why do BS's have more clothes than me?"

My response "well BS's live here full time you are just here EOW so they need more clothes than you do. You have more clothes at BMs don't you?"

SD "yes"

Me "well see you are with her full time so you need more at her house"

I have said this so many times that she says it out loud when I buy something for BS's and don't bring anything home for her. Which I try not to do, if they need extra I get it during the week when she is not with us. But sometimes it can't be helped.

But if you are going on a vacation or trip I do think it is best to get a gift for each child. IMO

2SteppinInCali's picture

Submitted by 2SteppinInCali on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 6:12pm

Don't even get me started onthe clothes thing. Just today I was asked by BM and DH what size shoe SS wears. Niether of his parents knew!!! Mother of the year is goign to by SS new basketball shoes. Yeah right right! After she asks DH for money and he gives it to her becsause poor SS will feel bad of mommmy can't follow through.

I no longer buy clothes. I got tired of things not being returned or taken care of. If the Skid's look like raga muffins, it's not my problem. I feel bad for them but my checkbook has gotten too thin. It's hard when you are buying your BD clothes and you feel guilty but your responsibility to clothe someone elses daughter. No one does that for you!

TooNewTOoknowBetta's picture

Submitted by TooNewTOoknowBetta on Mon, 07/27/2009 - 1:05am

more so then anything your comments have let me know that I am not alone when it comes to how I feel. I have brought these things up to him and in the past they have caused us to part ways... now that I am 4 years in, I am working on my communication skills... instead of just saying go! I can't handle you, her, mines and all the bills. Rags, SD has pulled this card on more then once occurence and I believe you when you say she is becoming a master manipulator... I find alot of our arguments are over her. As of recently I have started pulling away.. away from doing her hair so frequently (which being black can take quite sometime) and I even held out this summer towards purchasing any school clothes, shoes etc... my fear now is that he is resenting me so much.. that our relationship appears to be falling apart... oh and Did I mention I got fired in March and I am bringing in approx. 45% of what I used too and I am still making sure that I handle my part of the bills, not to mention I buy the groceries, and took over the cellphone bill because he is always short... tired of being a crutch... but too involved to pull out... not that I really want to... I just want him to kick it up a notch and take care of his part... the part I had no part in creating.... and he said this pregnancy was planned.

lovin_my_life's picture

Submitted by lovin_my_life on Mon, 07/27/2009 - 11:36am

Stop being your SD's provider. It's your job to take care of your child, and it's HIS job (as well as the childs BM) to take care of his own. The more you do for his daughter, the more he'll expect it. Example: This past weekend DH and I took his 3 kids with us to the beach. I didn't have my daughters, so I jumped on the chance to RELAX on the beach. Well, I did just that. I slept in the sun for about an hour or 2 (Yes yall, I wore lots of sunblock!), I took a walk with SS4, I took a walk alone... It was nice. I'm sure he was waiting for me to offer playing in the water with the skids while he slept, but it wasn't going to happen. I have my girls during the week and EOW. I need downtime too. I'm sure if I were BM we would have rotated hours (he told me that thats how they did it...everything was rotated) but not I. They are HIS kids and YES I'm involved, but I'll be damned if I'm more of a parent to them than they are AND not reaping the benefits of it.

Step back and just take care of your own child. This man obviously sees you as a handout. If you aren't married, get out before it gets worse, which it probably will.

"I aint no Carol Brady"