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Stepgrandmother

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 1:37pm

I threw SS23 his gender reveal party. It was a lot of work, considering I'm working and manage almost everything for DD8, but I wanted to help, seeing as I know BM is unable. It was a strange feeling to have people tell me "You must be so excited!", or "how exciting, right?". These were people who were there for SS's gf, and I don't believe there was malice behind it, I would attribute this more to ignorance. I'm wondering what the equivalent would be for stepmothers. For example, if someone were to ask stepchildren how excited they are to have a new...idk stepniece or stepnephew. No one expects stepaunts or stepuncles to be super excited about being that, but somehow stepmoms are supposed to be super excited to be...stepgrandmothers? Also, I'm 41 and I know many people become grandparents at my age (some of my cousins my age are already grandparents), but I don't feel like a grandmother at all. I think I'll only have that feeling for my biological grandchildren. I won't be helping with the baby shower in August, I know that will stretch me too thin (starting a new job and moving out in August). 

I am now in the process of downsizing and have already found tenants for my home. I'll miss it, but I had to do it because sadly, I know that it will get harder for SS23 when the baby comes, and I don't want him to even think about coming back to live with us, or to come visit and stay for hours, because being in a large home where he knows DH will help with baby is convenient. One of his gf's friends said "Oh no, but what about when you have to babysit, you'll still need a big home!" I didn't know how to tell her that I in no way plan on helping SS23 like I did with his dad. It was the most thankless joyless project I've ever worked on. DH told me last week that SS23 sent him a text thanking him for raising him and saying he hopes to be that kind of father for his son, but all my gut could tell me is that he's buttering DH up to have him babysit. I didn't let DH know what I was thinking, because it is only speculation, but it's part of why I am slowly distancing msyelf. I also felt a little bitter because I've also helped DH raise them the past 11 years but I get the obligatory thanks only yearly. 

SS18 is also gone now, he should be gone for over a year to complete his vocational training, he chose electrician. Next week will make a month that he's gone. Not even a text message, nothing. Goes to show how much I meant in his life, I guess. He did call his father about 3 times. He complains that there isn't enough food there. Hopefully it will open his eyes to how good he had it with us, if not, hopefully he will get it one day.

On a side note, one of DH's close friend's adult daughter asked me about SS23 and the gf, and I told her I wasn't sure how they were doing, because the truth is, we aren't close. I hear from him only when he needs something. DH told me that next time, I don't have to let people know our private lives, we should just say "he's fine". I see that it bothers him to hear the truth. He says "Oh but he calls me from time to time" and I told him that the time to time he speaks of is probably once a month and he's only been to visit a handful of times since he moved out last year. Neither DH nor SS make an effort to see each other. Whether it's pretty or not, it's the simple truth of it. 

For now, I'm enjoying my newly stepkid free home. It's nice to walk in and not see a surly face, or to walk in and not have someone deliberately avoid me. It feels nice to leave my kitchen clean, and wake up to no dishes or dirt around the house. It feels great to leave cash or my credit cards out in the open, and come back home to those things in the same exact spots I left them. And finally, it feels liberating to walk around in my underwear. I don't ever ever ever want to live with stepchildren ever again. 

 

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 2:31pm

I'm step-grandmother to DH's 6 gkids.  It's what you make it, imo.  In the young years, there's the babysitting issue but luckily for me,  DH was as burnt out as I was so that didn't come up with SD's 3 and the other 3 were out of town.  SD preferred her mom as babysitter and that was fine with me.  Plus, DH and I both worked full time and BM didnt.

As the 3 local gsks got older, we  interacted more,  went to Grandparents Day, bdays, recitals, some sports events.  We were selective and went when we felt like it.  We visited the out of town gkids occasionally and saw them at Christmas.

Flash forward and I'm 78 and these 6 range from 15 to 40 and now there are 4 great-sgdks.  To my surprise,  SD's 2 daughters keep in contact, probably cuz each has 2 kids and it's somebody to send pix of their kids to and somebody to respond to their texts about the kids.  BM is dead and there are no grandmas on their husbands' sides so I'm it.  Lol.

Again, it's what you make of it.  I'm sounding blithe but the reality is that if tragedy had occurred, I probably would have resisted raising any of them.whereas if that situation had occurred with my 3 bio gkids, I would have.  I'm done raising anybody else's kids unless they are blood.  But, thank heaven, this did not come up.

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 7:36am

Maybe I feel this way because I didn't have the best relationship with either SS. SS23 is up for fatherhood now and all he has ever done is try to manipulate DH, he was very successful in the past. This is why it scares me in a way, I know that DH is a sucker for babies and sob stories, and I'm sure those sob stories will come with SS23 being who he is. We have barely heard from him because of course, it's easy being only 2 young adults, working, partying together, having fun.....watch when the baby comes and it isn't fun and becomes work. I don't mind helping every other month or so for a few hours but I'll be working 3 jobs soon, 1 full time and 2 part time. I just don't have the time on my hands and the truth is that even if I did, I don't have the desire to do it for SS23. Everything I'd want to teach the grandson, he would be undoing (they live a party life). Plus I don't want my DD8 anywhere around that, nor do I want anyone grooming her to be their sitter. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 4:47pm

My DH's oldest, very estranged daughter, called him after she had her first baby (after not hearing from her for two years). It became clear, pretty quick, that she made contact so that we would buy things and babysit. She thought we should have her kid EVERY weekend, ALL weekend.

On a weekend that we did have her, I found a note, in the diaper bag, from SD's landlord regarding how much she owed in rent or she would be evicted. So obvious.

Enjoy your step kid free home!

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 7:37am

Seems like when real life smacks them upside the head, they try to use the grands as a pity bargaining chip. Will definitely be enjoying this new chapter. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 5:05pm

those things.

For my parents, SS-30 is their eldest GK. No SKid in their perspective.  Nor in mone for that matter.  I raised him as my own. Even before SS asked me to adopt him when he was 22.

IMHO, GSkids are no different than SKids, or BKs and BGKs for that matter. If they are of quality and engage healthily, they are a blessing, if not... they are a curse and as a curse they get what they earn regarding a relationship with GPs, or SGPs.

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 7:40am

for you Rags. I always wanted my stepsons to love me like a mom, I think it would have been a lot easier for me to love them back. But years of disprespect towards me, plus DH not putting them in their place, have created a wedge between us all. SS23 left the home under substandard circumstances (refused to save) and rarely came back unless he needed something. I have no desire to help alleviate real life for him. I want him to see how difficult it is to raise a child, and if he ends up breaking up with his gf, I want him to see how difficult it will be to get another woman to love his son as their own. He will finally become aware to the games that are PAS, Disney parenting, etc 

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 5:06pm

not a step-grandmother. I am simply DHs wife. After I was shunned in the first grandbaby announcement and humiliated in front of my family and friends, I worked through the hurt and refused to accept any title from DHs grands, of which he now has 4. Oh, actually 6 because, while it was not okay for me to be a step-grand, he was told he was step-grand to the two SKs from two of his bio kids' GFs. 

One of the GKs is soon to be 6 years old. Visited here ONE time with the parents. I did NOTHING. I've told DH, if his local son needs a sitter, do NOT volunteer me. You can babysit but understand, I will not lift a finger. You will chase after them, feed them, change diapers, etc. That was a daunting challenge for him so he's never offered to babysit. LOL

I may have been denied step-grand status but after thinking about it, I'd have never had a connection to those children anyway. And the real loosers are the parents. I don't babysit. I also don't buy gifts and I don't get involved with anything that relates to them. Love being disengaged. 

 

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 7:42am

The real losers are indeed the parents, aka stepkids. I wont' babysit for them. His mother has always had mental health issues and he always prioritized her and made excuses for why he couldn't save, saying he was financially helping her. Well, lets see how much she will help with her grandson. Also SS23's new MIL lives out of state and apparently FIL is in and out of his gf's life, so doesn't look like she has much of a support system here. I won't be part of it either. You don't get to only think about me when you need something. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 5:27pm

My DH and I have survived the heartbreak of having OSD sever what was previously a close relationship with her two kids. I was allowed to be "grandma" as long as my checkbook was open and my mouth closed. We went from seeing the grands multiple times per week (because they were used as bait to manipulate us financially) to radio silence. It's been twelve years, the grands are adults now, and they are still their narc mom's pawns.

I applaud you for dealing in reality and taking steps to protect yourself from what you KNOW is coming. You seem very clear eyed, and it was kind of you to throw the gender reveal party. In the chess game of step life, you are indeed a master!

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 7:43am

And yes, I have had to strategize and anticipate what moves these kids are likely to make so I can avoid having a non productive adult stepson move in with us. I have a DD8 to raise, and I don't want their influence around her (though the truth is I've raised her to love them, and they do love her, just in a boy's way which is not as hands on as a female). 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 2:01pm

I am a step grandmother to one.  There are no other grandparents in the picture so it's just us. My OSD is very troubled so we are the only positive role models in SGD's life. We do babysit but only when we can and want. My OSD is manipulative and used SGD as a tool but we aren't going to let her cross boundaries. OSD tries to cross boundaries but DH wouldn't budge so OSD backs off.

 

She has no other families on neither side  because she burned bridges so if SD wants to have a family for SGD, she needs to behave. We haven't seen SGD from age 2 till 6 because SH was mad at DH not sucking up to her and not doing what she demanded. SGD is 8 now and we see her regularly. Things are good now. SD hasn't demanded anything extraordinary except few times and DH's response was always NO. My DH would be willing to give seeing SGD up if SD starts nonsense again. SGD is a sweetie but she already shows signs of manipulativeness. Sigh. 
 

 

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 6:25pm

Hey, SMto3,

You've written: ..And finally, it feels liberating to walk around in my underwear.. I doubt that many folks appreciate the pure bliss of having privacy in one’s home. At the ripe old age of 78, I continue to suffer from hot flashes. To alleviate my suffering, I sewed myself 2 dozen (nearly see-through) voile nighties which constitute my entire indoor wardrobe. Underwear? Not a chance! To date, I’ve had no complaints from Mr. grannyd, the old satyr. Diablo

Having to be fully dressed when my stepkids were at home was a punishment that I’m thrilled to have left behind. Additionally, walking from the shower to my bedroom, full commando, is a pleasure that I don’t take for granted. Good on you, Hon! 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 7:19pm

I refuse to wear underwear.  No complaints yet but who cares if I do?  Lol