I find it interesting that now that SS23 is having a child, it seems like he’s starting to want the family I thought we could always be. It’s either that, or he’s trying to continue his manipulations with us. I created a family group text about 2 years ago to promote cohesiveness and better communication with us and while he tried to communicate a couple of times, it was never really consistent. The only ones truly consistent in those group chats were myself and DD. I sort of stepped away from it seeing as the boys never really responded. 

Last week, SS23 started 2 chats. One is a family group chat with the same exact people who were in our chat initially, and one is a group chat for his girlfriend, DH, him and myself to start the planning of the gender reveal which they wanted in June. Dh has never really planned anything so I know this will be something I’d be more involved in. I asked in the group chat if we should go out to them because they don’t have a car and I had something to do until late afternoon, and they said it was fine. Apparently, SS23 calls DH at the last minute and asks if he can pick them up and DH said no because of the rush hour traffic. I know that if this was someone else in my family I was close to, I’d be super involved and going out of my way, but Ss23 and I were never close so I don’t feel that way. I’m excited for DH that he’s going to be a grandfather, but I just feel like SS23 still can’t manage his finances so I see a lot of coming to us to ask for basics for his baby and I also feel that they are going to try to leave us the baby all the time, by virtue of the fact that they both work overnights, and I’m not a kid person. I foresee them “dropping by” to visit and leaving the kid here while they go hang out. SS23 currently only visits when he wants something, which seems to be every 2 months on average. I don’t want the visit frequency to increase just because he’ll have a baby he won’t know what to do with. I don’t want another child pawned off on me. It’s crazy because I couldn’t wait for them to become adults and leave, and I realize now that the games continue via way of grandkids. I am really considering moving out of state. 

As for Ss18, we had a major text blow out because i overheard him tell the jobcorp lady that he didn’t know if he was interested after she gave him a presentation of what I imagine were the rules. It ended in me telling him he is going to go whether he likes it or not. Dh is finally taking the steps to have him enter before he takes another trucking assignment. Ss18 tried it all, insinuated that if he failed in life, it would be my fault but if he became a millionaire, I’d want to take credit. Said he’s trying hard to please me (not sure how exactly), said he wants us to stop reminding him of all that he’s done throughout the years because he’s working on changing his mindset and that won’t happen with us reminding him of his mistakes. I told him that he’s never changed, he’s consistently just lied about everything, down to acting like he was going to school on a daily basis, only to come home by 2pm and do lots of nothing with his time. Meanwhile, I work 2 jobs and have dd8 in after school until 530pm and SS18 couldn’t just complete his final year of school. He may have oppositional defiant disorder, not sure and working on not caring anymore. 

I am actively now putting my house up for rent and flirting with the idea of moving out of state. Moving to an apartment will reduce the likelihood of them wanting to return, or to stay over. One part of me feels bad, knowing Ss18 has no family, but I really just can’t continue living with him this way. He violates my house rules, always waits for us to leave on vacation to go through our stuff and I don’t have the energy to be behind someone, drug testing them or to not feel safe to leave my home. I want to feel peace when I enter my home. I don’t want to have to push him to leave the house to find work or to do the right thing.  If he was different and easier, more truthful and less manipulative, maybe it could have worked. But he never was so the likelihood is that unless he goes through something major (like a jobcorp program), he won’t change.