This is so messed up, need advice
I just received a call a couple of hours ago from my ex whom I haven't heard from or seen since last August. He completely abandoned his BD and stopped paying child support one year ago. My BD (6 yrs) has adjusted to his absence though once in a while she asks about him. BD has not bonded with my BF (wrote a blog about the issue), so she really has no father figure. Back to the call contents - he first begs me to listen to him, says he apologizes for not being a responsible father and for all the bad things he did to me. Says his life has been a mess and it just continues to go downhill, that he recently was diagnosed with prostrate cancer and has less than 1yr to live. Says he can even show me the paper work. He starts to sob begging me to let him see his daughter, that he misses her very much. I tell him it was his choice to take off and that he knows I was over flexible with the visitation schedule. I bended backwards for him by accomodating his erratic visitation changes so that my daughter could see him despite of him behaving like an a**. Told him there is no guarantee that he won't do the disappearing act again and mess up my daughter more. Continues rumbling while still sobbing then when he realizes I won't change my mind, he says thanks and hangs up. I'm left thinking what if he is truly sick and I am refusing my daughter from seeing her father for who knows it could be the last time? On the other hand, I am thinking what if he is just giving me a sob story coz he knows that could likely melt my heart and let him see his daughter. The problem is he has lied so much in the past that I don't know when to believe him. It is a very hard dilemma for me. I do not know what to do. I have not mentioned it to my daughter that her father called and I don't think I want or need to. Much as I would like my daughter to have contact with her father, the sudden disappearing and reappearing acts of her father are not healthy at all for her. Any thoughts about this?
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If you are looking for approval...
...to keep your daughter away from her father, well, I just have a brief comment to offer. While it may seem harsh to not let him see her "one last time," what happens if she does start seeing him, really forms a connection with him and then he dies? I mean, as it now stands, she's already lost him and is dealing with that. Why re-introduce him back into her life, only so that she can lose him again? I'm a person who thinks it's an absolute sin when BMs cut the BFs out of their children's lives, but this one chose to absent himself and I think it would be very traumatic for her to reunite with her father only to have him die on her. Why go through that pain twice? That's such a tough call and I don't envy you one bit. She's so young. If it were me, I might toy with the idea of telling her everything and letting her choose to see him or not, but I'm not sure that's appropriate for a child her age. She's awfully young to make such a big decision. My heart goes out to you, that's a really tough one.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
That is a tough situation...
I would say find out if he is sick. Your daughter has a right to see her father. She will wonder one day why he didn't see her. It is just as difficult for a child not to see their father at all (mine do not). I would say why not let her see him.
Wow, really tough decision here
my initial gut reaction is to let her see him. I know he abandoned her, he has done horrible things in the past, but what compelled me was the fact that 1. he apologized and 2. he informed you he had paperwork to prove his illness.
If I were in your situation, I would take a look at the paperwork to confirm his illness first, and then decide if it is right for your daughter. One thing that I would stress is, if she later in life learns that she had an opportunity to see her dad before his death, and you denied it, she may have hold resentment towards you for that. I do agree with Anne that she is awfully young to be making adult decisions, but I would consider letting her see him.
Another point that I want to make is that there are no guarantees in life, none of us have a guarantee to be here tomorrow. If this dad called you up and said he wanted to change his life, and be there for her, not knowing he was going to die, would your answer to letting her have a relationship with him be different? Life is so short, and if he is truly on his way to his grave, I would encourage you to let her see him. I know it will be traumatic on her if/when he passes, but if she were to receive 5 good hours of time with her dad...wouldn't that be worth it? Instead of her growing up with.."yeah my dad abandoned me.." she may get some time with him to learn that he made mistakes, wanted to change, came back into her life, maybe had some fun with her and she will be able to say..."my dad passed away." I whole heartedly understand wanting to protect your daughter from being hurt.
Also...I work in an area that has new technology for prostate cancer. There is a company called Isoray, in Richland, WA. They put mini capsules of radiation into the prostate, and the radiation kills only the cancerous cells. Their website is Isoray.
Those are my thoughts...whatever your decision is I will support it. This one is tough!
Bests,
Candice
Candice, to speak the truth,
Candice, to speak the truth, I know it sounds cruel but I feel I could care less about the course of the cancer treatment i.e. if it even exists in the first place. I appreciate your cancer treatment info. If he stops acting like a jerk, I might offer the info to him. I would not like my child's father to die of a condition that be curable. I will try to get rid of the hurt and work with him for my daughter's sake and see where we go from there.
I understand
you obviously have a lot of hurt feelings from your ex, and no it isn't cruel, you are just speaking from a hurting heart. I threw it out there for future reference.
Forgiveness isn't about the perpetrator getting away with their bad behavior, it's about you letting go. And let me tell you, it takes me a long time to forgive people that hurt me. But once I realized that hanging onto those hurt feelings was a brick around my neck, that is when I decided to forgive those who hurt me. I share this with you only to empower you to be even stronger than you are today, and to rid yourself of the toxic feelings you hang onto.
I wish you the best, and I certainly hope you find a resolution to your dilemma.
Bests,
Candice
I am gathering all my will power
to let go the hurt coz its eating me up. I was ok until this issues resurfaced. I really appreciate your encouragement to forgive which makes a lot of sense. Thanks Candice for best wishes. I will keep all of you updated.
Thanks a lot ladies for thoughts
coz this is a really tough decision to make. Anne, I was thinking like you at first. yeah if he is really sick, he dies then my daughter goes to square one again of dealing with that after she is used to living without him. On the other hand, Stamina and Candice have a very valid point too. If I don't let daughter see her dad and he dies, my daughter might become resentful towards me down the road when she learns about it. I think I will start by asking to see the doctor's paperwork. But again, who knows ex might have doctored the paperwork himself! I am just so sceptical of him. I am getting ready to go to church now coz I feel its only God who can help me decide. I will catch up with you ladies later. Thanks all of you.
Is he related to my ex?
I was in a similiar situation.
My BD saw her BF for the first time when she was 5. Before that she was 6 months old. He called me with the same 'I'm sorry I was a bad father, I'm sorry for what I did. blah, blah. He was not sick, but told me he was getting divorced. He wanted to change and make up for lost time.
I allowed he in. He came once around her birthday. Once around Christmas. And we didn't see him again for another 6 years. He had gotten back together with his wife. Only to divorce her and than have another child with her.
I was left with the aftermath. It's not fun. My daughter had so much confusion.
Can you live with your-self if you deny him this? And if he truly means this, let him take you to court. Actions speak louder than words.
Jo
going to court is out
I wonder if he is really going to take me to court because he has a warrant of arrest for non payment of child support. I will give him some more time and see if he is going to call me again. He did not leave me a phone no. that I could use to reach him so I guess I have to wait.
I am fully on board with Candice...
You can't stop the inevitable. We can't for see the future, otherwise, would we all be in our particular situations? I sure won't.
It's completely natural to be afraid and needing to protect your daughter, but reality is that is her father. She herself will come to her own conclusions, and if he is playing yet another game with her, yes, she will be disappointed.
What I suggest you do is first arrange a meeting with the father someplace neutral, have him 'prove' his case, because likely as Candice says, there are major new developments with cancer. Cases that were once named 20-30% ten years ago, are now nothing at all. So, I think you need to sit down with him, see his paperwork that was given, even ask if you can attend a doctor's visit to ask his doctor what his prognoses is and questions because you are concerned for your daughter (and I mean your daughter as in you and him). It may be a little awkward, but considering his past, he has no reason to argue if he is being truthful. If he contests, well... guess what. He's not being truthful with you, either he's using the cancer to his advantage... oh, I'm so sick... and it's nothing at all.
I think that being overprotective can really backfire because the kids aren't able to completely sort out all of their feelings and sometimes what you are trying to do to protect them can be viewed as a restriction on them... not protecting them. If they do reconnect and he abandons her again, she will see that as a fault of his, not you. All I can say is if that does happen, then you need to stand up, support her, reassure her but don't ridicule him in front of her.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
You said exactly what I was
You said exactly what I was thinking while reading your reply. Its going to be a very akward moment for ex and I to be close to each other. Its not quite is cutting for me to even imagine trying to figure whats going on in his life i.e. trying to go to doc. to find out if it is true for real that he is sick. But I guess I will have to deal with that akwardness for the sake of my daughter. Man, this is tough. Maybe I am over shielding my daughter. Again as you say, we do not control our lives. we take it as it comes. Thanks
Illness aside, if he wants to see her and she does to, go for it
Sometimes in our effort to protect our children, we prevent them from experiences that they may need in their life. Unfortunately we cannot always protect them from hurt anymore than we can guarantee them happiness. I would definitely go into this cautiously but she does have a right to know her father....even if he is a knob?!
Suspicious update on above issue
I got a call today from my daughter's godmother whom I haven't heard from in over a year. We are not in good terms because she was working alongside my ex behind my back to help him gain full custody of my BD though they lost. I thought she was calling to reiterate my ex's health condition. You know what she told me - that she is going blind very rapidly and wants to see her god daughter soon before she gets blind completely. Said that she is having surgery next week for her eyes and does not know how long she will be in the hospital so she needs to see god daughter (my BD) tomorrow or Tuesday, and that I let her keep my daughter for a few days. (school vacation this week). She did not even mention my ex once and neither did I ask her about him? Isn't that very suspicious? I know for sure they are in this together. Most probably ex's cancer does not exist. I guess his guilt conscience is really bothering him and he figured the only way to try and wiggle back to his child's life is by giving a sad story while crying. When I didn't agree with that, I guess he told my daughter's god mother to call me with a stupid sad story thinking that I couldn't put 2 and 2 together. People can be so shady. I ain't falling for bs like that.
Okay...that is bizarre...
Maybe you suggest that whatever the two of them are smoking or drinking that it is bad for there health...blindness in one and cancer in the other. Hmmmm...not very good story tellers...a little transparent. And you are so right...I wouldn't let my child go with someone for a minute or two, never mind a day or two. The truth will come out eventually. Good intuition on your part! You new from the beginning that something was wrong!
Stamina, they are too conked out
I think that's some very strong stuff they are consuming. They are already hallucinating. I am now finding it hilarious. I am going to ask my ex to draft his will asap to avoid any legal fights when he dies. That will make life a little easier for my daughter. LOL
NON-SENCE
Maybe it's the wine I drank tonight, maybe it's the fact I was put though the emotional ringer with my x and some of his family, maybe it's the stress I've had in the last few days, but I'm telling you in my own opinion:
Something is very wrong here. Stand your guard. Something is rotten in Denmark. I wouldn't trust this sudden interest. Your first and foremost responibility is your child.
Best thoughts and prayers. Jo
LOL Little Jo, its not the wine
You crack me up Jo with your reasons. Its now very obvious something is cooking. Gives me a good reason to hold on tight to my daughter. None of them i.e. ex or godmother is even going to take a peek at my daughter. They are too devious. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.
Very Weird!
Good intuition jlmtik164. I think your suggestion of him getting his will in order is a great idea, but if he is irresponsible, I doubt he will do it. Why can't people just be normal? Why can't people just grow up and behave like adults? I guess it takes all kinds.
Hopefully his interest will die off, and he won't continue to bother you with asking for visits.
So sorry,
Candice
I was actually kidding
when I said I was going to ask him to draw a will. I know he is not going anywhere. Who knows he might even outlive me! But it is true what you said, if he actually was sick, he wouldn't draw a will coz he is way too irresponsible. I am going to ignore him and hopefully he will get the message to leave my daughter alone. Thanks Candice
I'm new here so perhaps I
I'm new here so perhaps I shouldn't jump in like this, but here goes. A 6 year old isn't old enough to understand the situation that her mother is in. She also isn't old enough to be put through making a decision about a man she doesn't even know.
Protect the child at all cost. I've been there. If this guy is dying, why hurt her more? If he isn't, then why on Earth would you want your child exposed to such a fraud? Men bluff, lie and cheat. If he threatens court, assure him you're looking forward to seeing his butt hauled off in cuffs for his past failures of supporting this child he claims to love so much now. Stand your ground, stop being confused and finish raising your daughter.
Steppedon, you hit the nail on the head
That is what I will do exactly. After realising he is trying to play me for a fool, he is not seeing my daughter again, whether he is dying or not. He can sort himself out after behaving so immaturely. I haven't even told my daughter that her dad called and I will not.
I think I can totally
understand. I mean I realize that maybe he is dying and stuff, but where was all his guilt when this little girl "Needed" her daddy? He was not around. Now that he is falling short on his life he wants you to just welcome him back into her life. SO then she can once again be left alone when he passes away.
I have to tell you my dad left when I was 5 or 6 cannot remember anymore, he had 4 bio kids and he was abusive to our mother's.. My point is this. I am now 31 and I did just fine without my father in my life. Seriously I may have some issues with it but not like I would if he would have continued in my life. And your poor daughter, if she does not remember him the first time he left her surely beinging him back in for however long is not right either. He clearly abandoned her and didn't care, so why should you care. I am with you on this. Don't let him ome back because he feels like he needs this cuz he is dying. If he wasn't dying would he be calling No he proved that before.
The godmother.. Um Hi I haven't talked to you since I was trying to help your ex get custody but now I am going blind do you trust me to take your daughter for a few days.. UM no I don't think soo...
Stick to your guns and protect your daughter..
Just my opinion..
Happy
That's my stand
I have decided that he will not see her. You are right. What if he dies and then my daughter gets worse off than she was before. I don't think its worth it. As you have described it, you are among the many children who grew up without their fathers and they are doing very fine. That's an encouragement.
I am glad
that I could feed you some positives.
One thing I guess I did not put in there was the fact that after over 21 years of wondering could I pass this man on the street and not know who my dad is I did talk to him for a couple of months. And he was the same as he was back then. And it gave me closure and I have not talked to him in years now. SO for me when I got older I wanted to form my very own opinion of him and I did and am glad. But even after over 21 years and all his church BS he did not change.. He still talked a bunch of crap.
I support your decision. He had plenty of time to walk back into her life and chose not too and now because he is "dyig and ready" you are suppose to let him come back into her life for however long he is alive and then he dies and you are left to pick up the pieces again. He should have thought about all that before he walked out the door to begin with.. Irregaardless of the circumstances he had a child and we all as mothers whether it be step or bio's we have a responsibility.
I hope you find peace in your decision now..
And I did turn out ok. My mom is a very strong woman. 5 kids and none of the dads stuck around well at least I can say one is a loon (physco) and one left (my dad) and the other is an alcoholic.. And we are all ok..
Here for you always..
happy
I may be sticking my neck out here, but....
What if the stories were true? Are we getting any younger? But you have every right to be suspicious. It does sound fishy, of course, but this also reminds me of my own family history and thought to share with you... just in case.
We have a lot of cancer running rampant in my family, and it's not uncommon for more than two or three family members to get 'sick' with different aliments pretty quickly all at the same time. In fact, last year, I lost three aunts all within the same month. One died from heart attack, another died from cancer in her lungs, and the third died from stroke. Now, one of my aunts happened to be a pathological lier, mainly because she has a mental disorder and all her life she has had a huge inferior complex and the need to 'prove' herself. She also developed dementia as she got older. So, in her quest to feel 'needy' she often brought up illnesses that weren't quite as serious as they truly were. In short, the family eventually developed the 'call wolf' syndrome.
One day, she (I'll call her aunt2) mentioned that she had cancer, but you have to understand that when at first she mentioned it, she had a difficult time conjuring up the words because dementia affects your ability to recall vocabulary sometimes. You may be thinking of a carrot, but say apple instead. She was also in her 70's and telling her older sister, (I'll call aunt1) who in turn had lung cancer also and thought that aunt2 was trying to be mean or something. Aunt1 turned around called my grandmother (they are all sisters), and told her what a story their sister was telling now. My grandmother tends to disbelieve my aunt2, and well there is quite a sibling rivalry among them (grandmother is the baby- sometimes is was quite humorous.), she just knew that my aunt2 was lying. So, grandmother and sister (aunt1), bashed about the new story, only to find out that yes... it was true, and aunt2 died. My other aunt was fortunate, had a lung or part of a lung, (not sure the details) removed, and her cancer was caught in time, however my other aunt wasn't so lucky. My grandmother feels horrible about it today because she didn't believe her.
So, my only concern is, perhaps be very cautious, but still if the subject is brought up again, then seek for 'proof' before proceeding. Even if a mere part of it turned out to be true, think how bad you might feel if you didn't give the benefit of the doubt. Chances are that you're right to be suspicious... but just in case, keep it open in the back of your mind.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I see your point Stepmom but
I strongly feel against my daughter seeing him because if it is true, then when he dies, its going to be much tougher for her. I feel that my daughter is too young to be involved in all this bs. BTW, he has not even called again. I should think that if he was really interested in seeing her, he could have tried calling me again. He didn't even leave me a phone no. I will wait to see if he will call again. Thanks for your thoughts.