So sad..
So my fiance moved away and essentially left me. Even though he claims that it's just for awhile and that we should get married soon and I would move up there as well. Right now we are long distance (again) and its an 8 hr drive between us. At first it didn't bother me so much but the more time away from him that I am and the more I've had to think about things, the more I realize he hasn't taken into account my feelings in all of this and just expected me to move with him. He thinks I should just take whatever job I can get there, whereas I've done 4 years of university and am aiming for something better. All he cares about is his wants and needs, and doesn't realize all the stuff i've gone though and given up just to be with him. Now that he has everything he wants, theres no need for me. We recently got engaged about 1 month ago and before that we lived together for 2 months. Then he decides that he has found God again and we need to live apart before we get married. So he bought a house up north where he has found a good job. And just picked up and moved. Left in the middle of the custody battle which essentially gives up his right for now. Wouldn't that look really bad in the courts should they continue their battle later on? Irresponsible maybe? I don't know. I'm so sad and borderline depressed cause I don't see a definate end or solution to all of this. We have not set a time to meet up or be together again. Vaguely yes, but nothing in the near future. He doesn't even know if he can come home for Christmas. I guess I'm over thinking alot but isn't there something we could do to compromise? I have suggested the he work there for the time being until we get married next spring. Then he could move back to this area and find a job here. Not sure how he's going to take that. We have been together over 1 year and are very much in love. I just see so much that I have already done for him, yet I get nothing in return. I have accepted his past with drugs and his son. I've even moved away from home to be with this guy. Only to have him decide that we are living in sin and have to live apart again and then he took off up north. I'm very very dissappointed in how things have turned out.
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I'm sorry to hear about his
I'm sorry to hear about his move, but even though your sad, you are having a good look as to waht you have and what he has done. I honestly think you may seriously consider , holding off marrying him. If he truly loved you , he would not have picked up and gone unless the job really warranted the move. And if you are not getting anything out of this relationship, if its all about him, sweety, i would personally pick a new man in my life who would be by my side and be a team. Not have someone drop me and run and play tagalong.
Thanks Angel. Yes this is
Thanks Angel. Yes this is giving me another perspective from which to look at things. When we were living together everything was great but now that hes making all these life changing decisions its just so devastating to me that I'm not even a factor in his decision making.
Emmalee* - I understand
Emmalee* - I understand your disappointment. But, know this... this guy just did you a favor.
Honey - please... listen to an OLD woman (yes, I am old)!!
Get out now. He gave you the perfect opportunity.
The fact that he picked up and just left you without considering your feelings is a red flag. The fact that all of a sudden he "found God" and decided that you two shouldn't live together before marriage is a HUGE RED FLAG. The fact that he has done drugs in the past - another big flag. And the fact that he would just pick up and leave and tend to his needs instead of that of his SON... in the middle of a custody battle... Well, what more can we say?
Some people have addictive personalities and do whatever they need to do to feed the addiction. He may not be addicted to drugs right now... but he may be addicted to religion. And that is what is causing his irrational behavior.
If he truly truly cared about God and his commitments (in my own very humble, uneducated opinion)...then I really believe that he would care more about his son and staying near his son and taking care of him, rather than just moving to wherever he felt he needed to be.
This man just gave you the PERFECT OUT. Please please please TAKE IT.
** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Yes I can totally see your
Yes I can totally see your point..its just so hard for me to bring this up. I did write him an email this morning saying pretty much the same stuff as I wrote on here. I guess I'll see how he responds. Yes there are alot of red flags and to be honest its nice to see that people see how ridiculous all of this is. Because obviously he doesn't see it. And thinks hes making the best decision. You know..when you brought up the addictive personality. It's true. he actually told him he thinks he has that. Unfortunatly do think that this "God" phrase is in fact just a phase. He's been through it before where he goes completely crazy over religion for a few months then goes back to normal.He also went through "eating healthy" and "working out like crazy" phases. So I do think you are right that he has an addictive personality.
I am going to suggest
I am going to suggest counselling or therapy. I wonder how he's going to take it..
The fact that he bought a
The fact that he bought a house is another red flag. Sounds like he has set more permanent roots there. I wouldn't expect him to dump his job and house any time soon to come back. Sorry you're going through this, but the writing is on the wall. This could be a good thing though.
Are you sure he is not
Are you sure he is not seeing someone else? He has not made any plans to set a date for the wedding? not even to see you? your living in sin all of a sudden/ doesn't this all seem a little odd to you? i'm not trying to plant that bug in your head but like many other said there is a definate red flag. Is this guy trying to see how far and how much your willing to give up for him. You may love him, no doubt about that, but I would reccomend doing a little investigating and holding off on the marriage thing until you know EXACTLY what his intentions are with you.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore
I'm positive he's not seeing
I'm positive he's not seeing someone else. But yes you are right all of this happening so suddenly is very weird. I had a long talk with him last night with my crying for most of it. I actually feel better after all that crying. We didn't resolve anything. I told him all my concerns, especially that he doesn't care about my feelings towards him moving away. And how there are no plans in the near or far future about when we would see each other again. He says he wants to take one day at a time and let God lead him as to when he should come back. I know all of sounds very sketchy. And I do have doubts but its just so hard for me to ignore his determination. He says he does not want to leave me (as in end the relationship) and he says I'm welcome to go up there but I told him that I'm not going to. He doesn't seem to understand why we should compromise on this. Relationships are give and take and so far I'm the only one giving. The only thing he can say is he's sorry that it's hurting me but theres nothing he can do because he's staying there. But he still wants me to wear the engagement ring. I don't understand. What kind of fiance would choose to live 9 hours from their SO without any kind of timetable as to when they are returning...
Emmalee - He may be a very
Emmalee - He may be a very good man for you.... but he may not be the right man for you RIGHT NOW.
In answer to your question... "What kind of fiance..." The answer is fairly simple. If he were leaving for work, to better his situation for you and his child, he'd be a fantastic fiance. As it is, he is leaving to take care of his own needs - regardless of you or his son. He is leaving to pursue his own goal / dream and hope that you will go along with it. In my own opinion, that makes him somewhat of a selfish fiancee. I don't know how much better it would get if you married him.
In all fairness, I think you owe it to yourself to say back to him...
*** I understand you need to take care of yourself, but I do too. So, I am sorry that I am hurting you by NOT going, and I don't understand why we should compromise on this either. You are welcome to stay here with me, and to be where your son is... I'm going to take one day at a time as well. Hopefully, our paths will converge again. ***
Instead of him placing the pressure on you to do what he wants.... maybe you should put the burden on him to do what you want. Live your life girl. And if he is a worthwhile fiancee he will - again my opinion on what is worthwhile - but he will come back. If he doesn't ... he isn't worth it.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I would tell him, "I am
I would tell him, "I am unengaging us, until you move back here or make some satisfactory agreement with me re. any future plans. Just call me when you do that! and until then I am free." To me this sounds like he is having his cake (freedom, whatever) and keeping you hanging too, just in case. ?? Hope I am wrong dear. HUGS
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)Um, I think you are right in
Um, I think you are right in saying HE LEFT YOU. That is not the way a man who loves and wants to spend his life with you acts. You have a university degree and are smart and going places. Get going and go places-not up north to a house HE bought without even consulting you.
When you get engaged you pick out a house TOGETHER, you consult each other and make decisions TOGETHER, because you will live your life TOGETHER...please see this for what it is. The man is a tool. You deserve so much more.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the comments. I know you are all speaking from the heart and saying the truth although sometimes thats hard to hear. I have decided to move on with my life and continue to plan my life as if hes not coming back. I don't know exactly what his plans are as he won't tell me and it just seems to me that hes dragging this on because he wants me to be here as a backup should he not find someone up there. Its hard to make peace with that but I have started to go see a counsellor who is going to help me with that. It sure is devastating and a real self esteem downer..we'll see how this plays out.
Stay strong Emmalee.... I'm
Stay strong Emmalee.... I'm glad you are getting counseling.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***