I think I may be disengaging from my marriage
For the past couple of weeks I have been coming to terms with the fact that I will never come first for DH, and neither will our marriage. I have been grieving, really.
I hear DH say the right words that he loves me, time and again, but as soon as his adult children enter the picture with their latest "wants," our plans together turn to dust. When I protest, I am told that I am not "thinking right" or that I "just don't understand" or that I "hate DHs' kids." (Well, at least the latter is accurate).
For a couple of years now I have been fighting mad and confronted DH when our plans and goals were set aside for his adult kids, especially his daughters. Now, I don't even fight it anymore--I just expect the worst and watch it unfold. I've been crying a lot lately when I think about my marriage. I am not depressed--I just feel resigned to a situation that I cannot change, and sad for all that I thought I lost but never had anyway.
I think I deserve to come first for someone, and I deserve to have a marriage that is as important to my spouse as it is for me. I know many other people who put their marriage and spouse at the top of their lists--why can't I have that too??
Sadly, my energy that was used to wrestle my marriage away from DH's kids is now being used to plan my exit, so to speak. I am slowly getting myself out of debt, considering taking a job that pays twice what I get now, perhaps moving away for that job, and removing DH as a beneficiary on all my accounts and also in my will. With the economy as it is, my exit may take a couple of years, but it's really helping me now to get organized and pull my affairs together.
This is what happened in my first marriage. I fought and fought to keep it afloat (so I thought), and then got to a point of sadness and resignation. Then I disengaged. Just like I am doing now.
This is all very Kubler-Ross--I am in the mourning stage of my marriage, and the mourning stage is very lonely. DH senses something is amiss, and he keeps asking me if I am "OK." I don't even want to engage him in a conversation anymore about "my issues," because it's so Ground Hog Day--we've had this same conversation over and over again.
Sigh. Thanks for being there, everyone.
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Comments
Face forward
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Sarah, the only thing I can do to keep going is facing forward. It was just a week or so into my marriage to H that it became evident where his heart lies-and it's not with me.
Like you, I'm either angry or sad.
As you said, you deserve to come first with someone. That's one of the reasons I wanted to get married. In fact, it was a major reason. And knowing that I will not come first, that our marriage, like yours, will never come first with H has changed the way I feel about him. If I could get my life before marriage back, I'd do so in an instant. And push him so far out of my life he'd just be a distant memory.
I, too, am planning ahead. Not necessarily my exit, but my independence. I have promised myself a year-a year to see if there are any changes in H's behavior. When the year is up, I'll determine whether what we have is worth the effort anymore or not. And what took minutes to do (getting married) will take a long time to undo.
Just know that you are not alone. There are several of us on here that are in the same situation you are in. Our very lives being used up by a man who refuses to put his wife, not behind him, not below him, but right next to him in his marriage.
I have been feeling the same way
It is not even worth trying to get him to understand. He gets angry and never EVER seems to see anything from my point of view.
I feel like he worries so much more about everyone else and tries harder to please everyone else. I am so tired of "chasing" him. I am always the one who wants the attention, wants the affection, wants things to be different...not him. I think you said it right when you said "I think I deserve to come first for someone, and I deserve to have a marriage that is as important to my spouse as it is for me. I know many other people who put their marriage and spouse at the top of their lists--why can't I have that too??"
I could have said that myself...
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.
Kubler-Ross
Hi, Sarah..
I compare my feelings to the "death" stages in my marriage as
well. I really think I am truly at "acceptance" stage that,
like you, this is NOT what I want. It's just all too bizarre
and I, also, have lots of ideas and goals for my future that
will take me away from "him".
I actually took a third part time job last fall (I guess that's
when I really "knew", joining this site just confirmed that I
am NOT some crazy, jealous bitch as I've been told I am). My
own daughter is now 16 and is so busy with friends on weekends
that I feel no reason to be HERE. Like you, we can't really
PLAN anything; God forbid that phone ring with "daddy daddy!",
I might as well not even be here. He won't even acknowledge I'm
in the same room.
He knows I'm pulling away, and that's the strange part. I
worked all weekend (I was here Sat. night, we had a good time!)
and all of the sudden all he cared about was "US". The kicker
was when I planned to go to Florida for Thanksgiving (Sarah,
if you really LOVE your husband, you don't take off on a
national holiday to play "Jimmy Buffet"...well, I do!), and
he is pissed. Too bad. He has five days to hang out with the
"girls", kiss their asses, I'll be hundreds of miles away.
It's embarrasing to him, this is the second Thanksgiving I
took off. I just don't enjoy being with him anymore. And
I don't really want to try to "work things out". It just feels
so good to blog these feelings that I, too, cried over, smashed
things over, left to stay in a hotel over just to get away from
him. It's just not worth it.
It's too little too late, especially since I know that as my
daughter gets older, I'm not going to have a "partner for life"
to plan things with, like many other people do. I dread when
the GRANDCHILDREN arrive; I'm sure he'll expect me to cavort
all over visiting the little turds. I won't be attending.
I honestly think, Sarah, the best thing to do is to just get on
with our lives and let the chips fall where they may. Keep on
with my career, with making new friends, planning things with
other people. Let him worry about his "girls". Sounds like
you have a plan going, too.
We're too smart and have too much to offer to OURSELVES and
others than to put up with this. And, I don't think they "get
it" until they know we REALLY MEAN IT. I'm gonna PM ya, I'm
still paranoid I'm gonna get "caught" on here, and I never want
HIM or THEM to know I spent this much time on them; "they
ain't worth it!! :)!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
disengaged from marriage and SS
I hear everything you are saying. You will never be #1 and your story helped me know I made the right choice. If your husband is still doing this with adult children, I would have been going through it for years to come.
I disengaged from my 14 year old SS and then disengaged from my marriage. I was never put first and lost my dignity. I stayed away from both of them as they laughed and hung out in the den, I went upstairs to my bedroom.
After many warnings I just said, "enough" and asked for a divorce. The house and everything was mine and no she is on her own with her son, probably just scraping by. I used to feel sorry for them, but its their problem now.
I just wanted respect and dignity, if you arent getting that leave and as someone said, let the chips fall where they may.
You do
You do deserve to come first. I am not married yet but am engaged and have been in couples counseling for 3mths trying to resolve a lot of the issues that you are now going through. Your DH feels guilty so he turns the tables and attacks you if you try to say anything. You could yell, scream, talk politely and calmly and it doesn't make a difference. He needs to put his marriage to you first and realize his "kids" are adults and are responsible for their own actions. I am sorry that you are going through this and I am sorry that you are hurt. I am also sorry that your DH is not getting it. Is there anyway that you guys can go to counseling together to get through this. I know we can say whatever we want and it is like talking to a brick wall but for some reason when a 3rd party points things out a lightbulb goes off in their heads. Take care and let us know how you are doing.
All true
Reading the posts above, there are some very wise people in this forum! I'm glad to know that I am not alone, but also sad that there are so many of you who are living through the same kind of hell.
Quite honestly, I blame myself for where I am. Don't worry, I'm not bringing on the cat-o-nine-tails quite yet
but I was the one who chose DH. I went into the marriage knowing that his kids were screwed up. I thought that a stable home environment would be appealing to them, and that they would take advantage of the opportunities we could provide for them. But they were too far gone. I just didn't see the depth of emeshment and non-boundaries that existed between DH and his "forever children."
I didn't see it because I never lived it. I didn't know people who were brought up with no moral compass, or people who never established appropriate parent-child boundaries with their children. The parents in my world were actual parents, not just breeders.
I have to believe that events in our lives are brought on to teach us something. The silver lining here is that I am a LOT smarter now than I was three years ago, and I am clear about my boundaries and what I want and need. I am also clear about not wasting any more of my precious time on Earth with soul-sucking losers, and instead putting my time and energy into people who really matter.
If my DH had the same philosophy, our marriage would be just fine.
Sarah,
Although it must be heartbreaking for you to come to terms with the reality of your marriage, I am glad that you are getting your affairs in order and putting yourself first and foremost.
What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I think for a long time, you did just that- you put all your energy into trying your best for this man and his daughters, to give them a sense of "normalcy". But most people, who have lived with dysfunction for so long, they just can't "learn" to live in normalcy- it's actually "abnormal" for them. And for people like us who relish peace and serenity in our lives, we just can't understand that mentality!
I'm just so happy you are now putting them aside and placing yourself at the top of the list. Like you said, it might take a couple of years, but at least you have a plan.
And, as always, you have us
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I hear ya sister
and in fact I'm in a similar situation, only the cause of my unhappiness is the bm.
I'm also planning my escape...carefully, quietly...so when/if I'm ready, I can leave on my terms and start a new life. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is either...stay or go? I'm still not sure. I do know that I have to protect myself,just like you're saying.
I really am trying not to cry at your post because that's how I feel...like it's groundhog day and we keep going over the same stuff over and over. I'm really quite tired. You can only tell someone so many times that they have hurt you, and have them *not* fix the hurt before you finally say enough is enough. You sound like you're getting to that point too...I'm not sure about it either but I think we're on the same path out of our relationships.
Just know that you're not alone in this. We're all here to talk when you need support. I hope that things work out for you the way you want them too. Big hugs.
Aren't we a sad lot
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
To have loved a man so much that we were willing to spend the rest of our lives with him, to put him first in our hearts, only to find that we will never be first in his. It's just so sad.
But why the fascination with their daughters?
Why? Except for Crayon and her little boogermonster (with all due respect and a big wink, Crayon
) it seems the rest of us are getting in the way of our husbands' love affairs with their own daughters. It seems that when the daughters sprout boobs, the love affair grows even stronger.
I don't see these fathers falling over themselves for their own sons. Especially their grown sons. There is a real icky sexual overtone to these unhealthy relationships our husbands have forged with their daughters. And that's what we mere wives are running !smack! into on a regular basis.
This would be an excellent topic for a PhD dissertation in Psychology.
Could it be that the daughters are their fathers' "first true love?" The one female who never criticized them? Who appears to love them unconditionally? The one who reflects their own ego back at them? A true love with none of the yucky responsibilities that come with a normal, healthy relationship?
Who can compete with that?
Not just SD
I must have the only H/BF who trips over himself to gaze lovingly into his son's eyes blah blah blah-when I pointed it out he actually "got it" and stopped slobering all over his teenage son!
My H is not bi or gay-he just treated his son like a precious golden prince-
It was quite a site to see a 6 foot 14 year old boy draped over his even bigger father for an evening of TV! (what Kodak moments those were!)-"Gee H-do you think it may affect your son's view on women"?-I ask (16 and still hoping SS will pick up an interest in girls) if not -H will love and accept him as is......
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I'm with you Endora
It's not just SD's that are getting the attention. The SS's are the apple of their father's eye around our house and they can do no wrong. I have come to love them, but they are completely without discipline from H. They have gotten into all kinds of trouble and are up to no good when he's not around...and bm is too busy messing up my life and coming into my house to discipline them either. As far as parents go they both suck. Because the boys and I have a good relationship they talk about the stuff they're doing...I'll be completely aghast but not try to show it...like setting fires and vandalizing things. I'll try to explain the dangers of their behavior and what could happen...jail, death, whatever. Then I tell H privately and have him find ways to "find out" these things himself so I don't look like a snitch...not an easy task. But no matter what things they're doing, H never really punishes them. They get carted here and there constantly and are eating us out of house and home (they're 12 and 13) AND are costing thousands of dollars for their damn hockey...and never once are they kept home from a game or forced to be actually punished. H keeps sayin that it hurts him more than them to make them sit out a game...or that he spent lots of money on their hockey so if they don't show up the other parents will get angry cuz they're so good w/o them the team will lose (Hi, ego much?). I don't know...I think some bioparents just get obsessed with their kids cuz they have no life of their own and they're living through their kids.
Endora too, methinks
With her DH's "Zippy is soooo handsome!" (And I don't mean to speak for you, Endora - I just remember your wonderful descriptions of your DH and Zippy)
But you're right Sarah, I see a lot more about teenage SDs here than SSs.
I feel lucky that it's not a problem for me - SD has swung heavily toward BM in looks in recent years; if it weren't for her eyes and skin color, I'd be hard-pressed to see any of DH in her. (BM is a green-eyed pale-skinned redhead; SD has her father's deep brown eyes and easily tanned skin) Combine the BM looks and the BM opinions/mannerisms and DH sometimes has difficulty with his feelings against BM interfering with objective parenting of SD. There's no way he would end up with an unhealthy almost-sexual adoration of her.
What is it with men wanting this sick type of relationship? Who would WANT a whiny manipulative, fawning, incapable partner? I know that when DH gets clingy I just want to scream at him to grow up. Does it make these men feel like a hero? "Here comes Daddy to save the day!"?? I just don't get it.
My SDs were jerks
Hey, Sarah..
MY H's daughters were total HELLIONS as teens and were, without
a doubt, the reason his first marriage failed.
I kind of felt like you, too, that maybe if they were around
a STABLE environment (even tho they WERE adults), they would
appreciate it. Heyl no, I think they THRIVE on chaos.
That's what I think causes a lot of the problems here. Just
when things are calm, H and I are getting along, WHAM either one
of the SDs has to upset the applecart or H gets something
stirring.
That's why I've learned that just letting them deal with their
chaos and staying the hell out if it works for me. When I DID
try to "help out" and "be nice", it was met with resistence.
They can KISS my A$$ at this point, girlfriend!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Very well said, Sarah. Fascination...
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
"it seems the rest of us are getting in the way of our husbands' love affairs with their own daughters. It seems that when the daughters sprout boobs, the love affair grows even stronger."
Yep. Perhaps that's where the favortisim towards SD17 over SD13 comes in. SD17 displays all she's got, while SD13 is just now developing and dresses modestly. Hmmm. Food for thought. I'm picturing in my mind, at this moment, SD17 in her low cut look at my boobs homecoming dress (I'd never let a daughter of mine go out dressed like that), and H clicking away with the camera while she poses, poses, poses. Sick - definately. And sickening.
It sounds perverted!
I am joking but what would a complete stranger think, to see some of this weird DH/SD behavior?!! My SD doesnt do that particular thing, but makes up for it in other unhealthy ways, flunking, ignoring me, defaming DH's character on the internet, etc.! but that is weird for sure
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin