A bowl of soup and how I deserve it
Sometimes signs come at strange moments. This weekend I was at a fancypants hotel having a fancypants lunch with a work colleague prior to a presentation that I had to give to fancypants people, and we were served the fanciest soup I have ever seen. I remarked on the fanciness of the soup, and my colleague replied, "Enjoy it! You are an incredible woman and you deserve the very best."
To my horror, I started to cry over my fancy soup. It is never a good idea to cry in full makeup and a suit prior to a large presentation. But I couldn't help it.
That morning H had stumbled in at 6:30am after partying with his friends all night. I had to leave for the airport at 7, and I didn't want to leave BD12 and her friend at the house alone. So I was completely stressed out, and then angry as hell when H finally came home. He knew I was anxious about the presentation, and in his mind at least had the courtesy to stumble home 1/2 hour before I had to leave.
This is the same man who announced a few weeks back that "we" owe five-figure back taxes because of HIS stock he sold to pay for HIS daughter's rehab. This is the man who has driven me deep into debt while paying for stepbrat weddings and vacations ("they deserve it!"), and had the audacity to suggest that "we" declare bankruptcy the day after he handed 5K to his daughter for her wedding.
This man refuses to purchase life insurance or make out a will, won't seek treatment for his high cholesterol or failing eyesight, and refuses to go to counseling. He has never planned a weekend for the two of us, and blames me for the state of our marriage. He is so angry at me that he barely speaks to me anymore.
That's why I cried in my fancy soup. I hadn't heard from anyone that I was special or deserving for years. YEARS! All of a sudden the reality of my dead marriage crashed over me like a wave. On the outside I appear to be a smart, professional, educated woman, but on the inside I feel like undeserving dogfood. My H--the person who should love and support me more than any other--treats me like dogfood. He thinks that's OK, and the worst part is that I must have thought being treated like dogfood was OK as well.
I am working harder than ever to get out of debt and be free of all this crap. I thought I could put up with H for another couple of years while I got my own finances back on track, but now I don't think I can wait. It's time to take a deep breath and make a new plan.
So I finished my fancy soup and got my face back together, and delivered a great presentation--all the while crying inside. I am still crying inside. Reality hurts, and I have to begin to believe that I deserve so much better than what I have right now.
At least then I'll be able to truly enjoy a fancy bowl of soup.
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women
There's something about our make up as women that make us feel that we can make a difference in some dirtbag's world, and that in gratitude he will cease being a dirtbag. We think we see a man who has just had tough breaks and been misunderstood by the world, and if someone just shows they believe in him, he will transform into the decent, adoring man that we think he is deep down inside. A few years--or months--from now, we may be corresponding with your DH's newest wife as she struggles to figure out how on earth she ended up in a loveless marriage trying to raise his worthless kids.
You about made me cry on my keyboard.
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you can figure out what you need to do to live the life you deserve.
Best wishes.
oops
I'm sorry I amde you cry! Not my intention at all--we seem to cry waaay too much around here. Watch out for that keyboard
His loss..
As the "signs" keep getter clearer and more VIVID, I would expect, you will get stronger and more SECURE in your choice to leave him behind.
When you're used to "winning", it's tough to just throw in the towel because then, despite the ODDS, you feel like you've LOST!
But, sometimes, time RUNS out, and when you look at the score column, add up all the PLUSES, there IS only one winner...YOU.
Stay positive; stay STRONG. YOU CAN DO IT.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
exit plan
he will be crying over his chicken and noodle soup in a can when you are gone!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Sarah
I echo the sentiments of the ladies above when they say how truly strong we know you are.
People don't make comments like the one your colleague made unless they are true. And we here on ST know they are without even MEETING YOU.
Given all your resources and resilience, I know that you will be able to get through this and come out on the other side even stronger.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
So unfair
I hope you can disentangle financially from him pronto!! That just burns me up that he will not even buy life insurance to protect you!!!! I think, if you are asked to make such a presentation, that there are CLEARLY PLENTY of people who think you deserve a lot more than just soup-!! Hang in there honey - (((((((((hugs))))))))).
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
she's right
"Enjoy it! You are an incredible woman and you deserve the very best."
Perhaps you handle your H's financial wrecks affecting your life
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
much better than I have handled H's horrid financial irresponsibilities wrecking my life.
How sad for you-to take all the weight he has piled on you, and then he's whipping you to boot, blaming you for the sorry state of your marriage. Will this man take no responsibility for his actions?
Dumb questions. Obviously not. It's clear that you are successful in other areas of your life-which makes it clear whose behaviour has led to this sad tale.
Look ahead-you know your life will improve and one day you will find yourself free of his obligations...and he'll have only himself to verbally batter.
Sarah, you're more than
Sarah, you're more than welcome to come out here with me with BD. We'll get some guys doing your bidding in a heart beat. Nothing like getting treated like we should to remind us what we deserve. If he's not willing to give it to you, he's not worth your time, effort, energy.
To every thing there is a season.
Thanks
Thanks, everyone, for your support and encouragement. All of us will get to a better place. I'm just in the "questioning" phase of the process where I question why I let myself get where I am. Twice!
I'm beginning to think that I have no business in the marriage business. My decisions just plain suck.
Sparky made a good point "There's something about our make up as women that make us feel that we can make a difference in some dirtbag's world, and that in gratitude he will cease being a dirtbag." That's so true, but not for all women. We all know women who made good (or lucky) decisions and don't have the constant drama in their lives. They are appreciated by their husbands, loved, and cared for. I work with with such women--they are my colleagues and friends. They look forward to seeing their husbands at the end of the day, going on special weekends together, and it's clear that they feel loved, and love their husbands (or life partners) back.
I never talk about my H, the loser adult stepbrats, or my situation to my colleagues. They would be shocked--but shocked in the kind of way that a person who could never, ever imagine a situation would be shocked. They have no frame of reference. So I simply don't go there. Instead, I write here.
And I appreciate all of you so very much!
Thank you
Thank you for sharing. Geezus this was very profound and inspiring. Even when life is hard, you take it by the horns and you keep moving forward. Truly what I aspire to be like through the hardship.
Life Insurance
Hi Sarah101,
Sounds like the husband is a problem that's not going away any time soon. If you decide to stay for now, make sure you purchase a butt-ton of life insurance on this guy. Sounds like he is about 3 cheeseburgers away from a massive heart attack. Why not make sure you are taken care of in the event his lifestyle catches up with him? Otherwise, I would advise to get the heck out of there. Unfortunately, I know divorce is not cheap, either. Regardless, I hope you are kind to yourself.
It's a cliche
Its such a cliche to say breaking up is hard to do. But it really truly is. I remember being at the stage where you are - facing unpleasant, undeniable truths about my ex and realizing for my kids' sake, i'd have to take action. A part of me wanted to deny it all because I didn't want to admit I'd made such a judgment error, I hated that I'd put my kids in a bad situation and I dreaded the breakup stress. It takes awhile to process it all and I often think we on ST are quick to say, "Leave!" and we minimize the difficulties. But you're smart, you have a good job and you're seeing your situation clearly. Others have done it and you can, too. Very best wishes. Dont forget the 2 things they say about transitions: 1) they're hard and 2) they'll pass.