Dropped the D-Bomb. Marriage Over. I Quit.
The past weekend I finally had enough. You know those "lightbulb" moments where everything comes into focus and becomes clear? I had such a moment, and it was the final straw. It has taken me this long to write about it because I am so heartbroken--words just cannot fully give justice to the range of emotions I am feeling right now. Mostly grief.
I suppose the final chapter was DH writing the 5K check to Poopsie Princess SD27 for her Royal Wedding, two days before major layoffs at his workplace, and the same month we went negative on our own bills. I had begged, pleaded, cried, and tried to explain our situation to DH for weeks. Unfortunately, he told me that he would be giving SD27 the money no matter what I said, and further, his other 4 adult kids would get exactly the same (20K total!) and I just had to deal with it.
Translated: I don't give a crap about bankrupting you or us. My favorite Poopsie Princess SD27 comes first, followed by the rest of my adult children. Your opinions and concerns as my wife don't matter.
Fast forward one week. I noticed the balance on my checking account was lower than it should be, and I had checks coming due. Turns out DH took money from my account to forward to Poopsie Princess SD27 because "she needed it." Didn't even ask me first. Didn’t think to let me know that he had taken money from my account. When I confronted him about this he got angry at ME for not understanding, and his excuse was that he is "forgetful." Well, he didn't forget to send that money to Poopsie Princess right pronto, did he?
Really, that was my moment of clarity--the last straw. I cried and cried--not over the money because that's just a symptom of a much larger issue. I was crying because I knew for sure right then that this marriage was completely over and there was no more hope.
The next day DH came to me asking for money. Seems his account was empty and he wanted to go see alcoholic, pothead SS22 play in a band somewhere. I refused. I told him to ask his children for money. He got very angry at me (again), and I told him then I would be filing for divorce after the holidays.
At first, DH didn't believe me, and told me to get over it. I remained deadly serious. I reviewed his actions over the past few months (years, really) that have just about bankrupted us in favor of his adult kids, told him I refuse to mortgage my future or my daughter's future anymore because of his choices, and also told him that I will be seeking a divorce after the holidays. And, by the way, don't even THINK about touching my bank account ever again.
I told DH that as much as I have a right to live comfortably, be cherished and cared for in a relationship, and put my daughter through college, he has a right to give as much money to his adult brats as he wants without interference. We are on separate paths with radically different life philosophies, and each of us will do better on our own. I'm so tired of carrying all this anxiety and anger inside of me. I deserve better, and I need to move forward with my life instead of fighting the inevitable.
At first he defended himself (again) and told me I was misreading the whole situation (again) and reminded me that I wasn't thinking "good" (again). It soon became clear that I wasn't going to budge from my resolve. This marriage IS OVER.
DH was completely stunned. Like all this was news to him! Predictably, he went into alcoholic-style bargaining mode:
"If I knew that giving Poopsie Princess 5K for her Royal Wedding would result in this, I would have told her no." (I suppose, theoretically, there is a first time for everything...)
"I promise I won't give any of them any more money ever again."
(attempt at blame) "You should have told me before that this would break our marriage."
"Let's get marriage counseling."
"Please tell me there's still hope."
"I know I screwed up."
"I will change! Promise."
Yeah...bullshit. I told him there's no hope left, only planning for the future. Also, the money he's thrown at his adult brats is only symptomatic of the larger issue, which is that this marriage, me, and our current family comes last behind the wants of his adult kids. Always has, and always will. OK for him, but NOT OK for me.
Since my declaration of independence, DH has been depressed, mopey, and pathetic. (Maybe he thinks this is attractive?). This month I am separating the bills, and each of us pays our own. He’s in for a huge reality check. I don't give a crap if he loses his house, or if he can't pay his own bills. I don't give a crap if he comtinues to spend all his money on the adult brats. Each day my emotions range up and down with the tears right behind my eyes all the time, but through it all I feel that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Now I have to figure out how to survive while paying the mortgage and also paying off the massive debt that has built up on my credit cards over the years--he was always short of money. I was assured that we would "pay them off together." Well, I dug myself into this mess, and now I have to work hard over the next 4-5 years to dig myself out again.
This is all so sad--but it has been a long time coming. Sigh.
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Comments
Sarah -
I'm sorry for you that your going through this, I think it is especially hard because of the holidays. This is what happens though...we take crap for so long...we each have our breaking point, and you've reached yours. The last 10 years of my marriage I was just waiting for something big to fall so I could move on and not feel guilty. And it happened - 22 years of being married, and my breaking point was there and I left. I do know what you mean about the huge weight being lifted off your shoulders. My husband too had us in debt always...and yes mostly for his kids, vacations, 5 bedroom houses we couldn't afford and didn't really need...but hey if the house was big and cool..maybe the kids would come visit more often. Everything we did in those 22 years was for his children. We had a daughter of our own and things did change a little I must admit, I left him when our daughter was 19 and graduated from HS. I rememeber one particular XMAS, before our daughter, my MIL was visiting us from NY, and the skids (5) were suppose to come down 3 hour drive to where we lived and spend XMAS afternoon and the weekend with us. Well, they decided not to come that afternoon, but wait until the next day and come. He wanted to cancel XMAS, not open one gift, not even cook on XMAS day. I got mad and said WE ARE going to have XMAS, you, me and your mother. When the boys come tomorrow they can open their gifts then. His mother agreed with me. Stay calm and figure out your next move for moving on with your child. When you are control of your money, it is an amazing relief. I though you know what I can screw this up by myself...I don't need his help. And I've never had to go to anyone to help me out when I got set up...and it's great to be in control of your life again.
I hope you have a good Thanksgiving and know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Sarah, you are doing the only thing you can.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Taking your money out of your account, to give to his daughter, when you are already facing financial difficulties crossed the line. As did the $5,000.00.
The very fact that he would give this amount to his daughter, against your wishes, with no compromise on his part, is a clear statement from him regarding your value, your worthiness to him.
Now he knows he's losing, and he's moping and obviously attempting to make you feel sorry for your decision. Do not buy it.
I realize you will face some though financial struggles; but you will not longer be the victim of his heedless way. You have lived for so long with this man who places so little value on who you are, that I think, sooner than you know it, you're going to be feeling much, much better.
I admire you being upfront with him about it-but don't let him near your bank account. If it's in his name also, close it and open one in your name only. Protect yourself.
If things continue as they have been with H, eventually I'll be the one posting on here. H has taken me down emotionally and mentally. However, I will not allow him to bankrupt me.. .and he's alot like your H; irresponsible with finances, unable to resist his favorite woman, SD17. But I sure won't be upfront as you have been. I'll have him served when he's out of town.
God give you strength. And take it from one who was single only 6 short months ago...the single life, having no one taking advantage of you, no one using you, no one showing you how little you really mean to them, can be a true blessing.
Thanks, Vicki
DH never sold his home when we got married a few years ago. It has been rented, but now that the renters are having tough times and cannot pay all of the rent, "we" (that means me) has to come up with money to pay the mortgage on that home as well as the one we reside in. I always worked more and scraped up the money to pay for DH's house because it was "an investment." No more. He can foreclose. My name is not on the title, or on the loan.
I am fortunate to have a good job that pays well, but even with that, I will have to find another job that pays at least 50% more than I make now in order to pay off all this debt and keep current with all the credit card bills that have stacked up.
And DH has informed me that he will ask the court to make me pay half the bills for SD19's rehab ($100,000), and any student loans he has signed on for his adult brats while we have been married. Nice, huh? None of these loans are in my name.
I'll wait for that moment in court--when the judge looks at us both (we make about the same amount of money) and sacks me with half the loans he alone signed for his adult kids. Yeah, sure.
I don't see how
Sarah, I don't see how any judge in his right mind would make you responsible for your husbands' childrens debt. Let him and the BM split the cost. But I think you should go after HIM to pay half the debt incurred during the marriage.
I'm sorry you're going through tough times, but it was encouraging when you said that you feel relieved. I really believe you'll make it through this.
sarah im so sorry
he hasnt given u much choice and u deserve sooo much better. u deserve a man who puts u and ur needs first and thinks of u first. and knows where to draw the line w grown children who have morphed from ungrateful brats. i am so very sorry u are going thru this, but i know u will be better off in every way w/o him. take care u and big hugs. we'll always be here for u.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
That's Hard
All my prayers are with you. It can only get better from here on. DH doesn't have his "bankroll" anymore.
If you can be this strong, you will make it. I believe that.
“When all else fails, get a dog.”
You KNOW what you have to do
Sarah, I KNOW you put so much thought into this; you didn't just
get up one day and say "that's it!"; YOU TRIED. ONE PERSON cannot do all the trying. It's not FAIR, and it's not healthy.
And, YOU WILL SURVIVE! H is now in his Kubler-Ross "shock" stage. He's terrified. Unfortunately for him, you've already
reached ACCEPTANCE.
I'm not sure of your family dynamics, but I know there were women in my family who had terrible situations but they could NEVER leave. They couldn't stand on their own. My, how times have changed, and MY HOW WE, the next generation(s) keep learning from their inability to take action. WE CAN TAKE
ACTION; WE CAN SAY NO MORE, and we CAN MOVE ON.
"This, too, shall pass"; girlfried. Will his moping and de-
pression and possible WILLINGNESS to do things differently once he KNOWS you mean business open than option for you to give it
"one last shot"??
We all know, sometimes we just get pushed TOO FAR, and it's
"they" could send us dozens of roses and love letters and do
whatever, but it's just TOO LATE.
Well, if you're looking for Tgiving plans next year...ooooh! I
I'm jumping out
know where you and your daughter can go!!
of my skin here; can't wait to get there and JET SKI with the
dolphins! Sure a lot calmer than the looney tunes that will be here this holiday. Oh, and I told MY H "not to bother" calling me....
Is there a divorce bouquet? Maybe you can toss it to me!! I'll
be next!! FREEDOM!!!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
No chance
One last shot? Naw--I'm so done with this. It's hard to be affectionate and loving with a man who has sold me out so many times now. I don't trust him anymore--no matter what he promises.
On the flip side, DH should be able to do what he wants--and if he gets satisfaction from giving everything he has to his adult kids, then he should be able to do it. I might not agree with what he does, but that doesn't mean it's wrong, or even bad. If we stay together, each and every time he feels forced to say "no" to a loving adult daughter batting her eyelashes at him and calling him "Dadddyyyyyyy," he will get angry at me.
Now there are Royal Weddings, and soon there will be houses and grandchildren. Can I really expect that DH will be strong enough to put our marriage and financial future first through all that? No--it will be a constant struggle, and I will always be playing the "bad guy" and waiting for the shoe to drop.
It's just not worth it.
Go Sarah! I am so sorry but your H is a write off IMHO.
My condolences and heartfelt regrets on the demise of your marriage. Now go live your life for you and your child. Is the child joint with the STBX?
If so, he needs to strap in and hang on because he will get no credit for his adult kids as far as CS for your child is concerned.
Good luck and best regards,
No,
No, my BD12 is from my first marriage. I raised her alone for 7 years. Although she loves DH, she has also seen the havoc and drama that his kids have injected into our lives. She knows they are dirtbags.
My BD12 also knows exactly why DH and I have to split up--she's seen the money go to his kids while we are told to "watch our spending." She's had her clothes and jewelry stolen by them. She's seen the posh vacations they take, while we have to stay home because "there's no money for a vacation this year, honey."
She also knows her mom makes the money, and that she and I will be JUST FINE throughout all this.
Marriage is a team sport and he is not a team player.
You and your daughter go enjoy the fruits of your labor. Hopefully you will find a good guy to share your lives with. If not, enjoy your time together without the baggage of a leech.
As for the STBX attempting to saddle you with the loans he signed for his adult kids. Not likely. I doubt any judge would saddle you with debt that he signed without your approval at least as far as his children are concerned.
Good luck and best regards,
So Sorry
Sarah, I'm sorry for the difficult time you are going through. But I agree 100% w/Bewitched - protect yourself!
I'm nearly there too
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.
I'm having a hard time with BF as well. We arn't married but been together for 4 years and I think we are on our way out. I havn't really posted alot about my problems with BF as the major ones are really step related. I'm just sick of always being put down and spoken to like shit and my opioin never matters.
I'm sure the last straw will come soon for us as well, the only problem I have at the moment is that I still love him no matter how he treats me (i'm an idiot, I know).
Sometimes we just need to do what's right for us and if that means getting out of a situation we're in then that's what we need to do.
I wish you all the best on your situation and I'll be sending prayers your way.
Likewise, Dani!
I'll be sending prayers your way too! We both deserve so much better than this.
From my experience with my first marriage, I can tell you that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You go through this crappy scary emotional/financial nightmare and think it'll never end, but one day after a good night's sleep you wake up and say you should have made the decision many years before you actually did!
Sorry To Hear That
My heart goes out to you during this transition. I honestly believe that you can get through this with the resolve that you have now. I am just glad that you have finally decided to unburden yourself from so much anger. Wish you all the best!
So sorry dear
Your DH sounds way overboard with the bankrupting you guys for his kids' 'needs'. I don't blame you one bit. It is tempting to call a halt to the BS and I hope things go smoothly for you.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
You're
doing the right thing. Take care of yourself and your daughter. THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING.
Sarah, I am so sorry that he
Sarah, I am so sorry that he stole from you.. as basically that is what it was. I would find a really good lawyer, and I would explain that HE signed those loans, you did not agree to those loans.. That he didnt heed your opinions or advice and went ahead w/them. I do not think that if you didnt sign the loan that you are responsible. You live in MA, right? My gf here at work just went through a divorce.. I can find out if she liked her lawyer and if so, give you his name and number. I know that she got all she was asking for in her divorce, and that she went in armed w/evidence and proof that her dh was lying through his teeth..
Again, I dont see how a judge would make you pay for his adult children's loans and their cosigners' loans. I would file bankruptcy before I paid a dime toward those loans.
Also, I would tell your dh that he isnt a man if he is going to try and saddle you w/the debt that HE and his CHILDREN incurred.. that he is a low life loser for thinking that his marriage should be the support for his children. That you have a child to care for.. that he has his, and that you should just go your seperate ways. I would also STOP paying the mortgage on HIS house... Tell him the help stops now. Find the money he needs..
Sending you hugs. Oh.. and I would file now.. Takes 6 mos I think in order to get a divorce.
Sarah, I am sorry
that you have to go through this, BUT I am also very happy for you. Happy that you will be rid of the flea that rides your back! Good for you girl!!!!! heads up and I will be sending lots of good thoughts your way!
Sarah, I think he's trying to scare you
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I think he's trying to scare you into staying by saying he will ask the court to have you pay 1/2 of skids rehab bill, his kids student loans. I've personally never heard of a stepparent being legally responsible for any support, bills, etc for skids.
Never. He's desperate (as only those who know they've been a$$holes are), and grasping at anything to get you to change your mind, to break you. Ignore him.
No worries
I know he's desperate. He can threaten and bluster all he wants. Won't change a thing. Actually, his threats about having me pay half his adult brats' bills are rather amusing--didn't he learn ANYTHING from his first divorce?
I always say to my BD12--"you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences." Well, it's consequence time!
Sarah- I JUST saw your post
I stayed away from ST for a few days, and came back to read your post. I have to say that I'm really not all that surprised, given all your H has put you through- I think you were nearing your breaking point when he took your money out of your account for his "Princess" without your permission.
Sarah, with ALL that you have been through over the years with this man, it seems like you are an incredibly strong woman and I know you and your BD will be ok through all of this.
We are all here for you in spirit to lend you our emotional support any time you need us.
Sending you BIG hugs and prayers your way.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis