SS's school assignment and moving
Today, my FH told me that he and BM are considering a move out of the school district b/c SS didn't get into the middle school they want. He brought up moving a few towns south or up north to get into areas where there are better public schools. I gave him my peramters- moving north isn't an option b/c it is too far from my family here and it is not an area that I want to live in. Further, on the 50% of the time we have SS, my FH would be driving about 4 hours/day dropping/picking up from school and then going to/from his work if we moved north. I said I wasn't willing to compromise OUR life in this way. And that when we have our own child it would not be okay with me for him to committed to that much time doing that. He initially responded by saying "I wouldn't mind the driving" but I said no- it would impact OUR quality of life too much.
We then talked about south and I asked FH who would be expected to move out of our city-- we rent, BM owns. I said that I would not live outside the city (I asked him to move for my work last year and he said "no way!"). I suggested that BM sell her house and move to the town (about 20 min south) where she wants SS in school, that we would move to the south side of the city so we were close, and it would be easy for FH to take SS to/from that area b/c his work is actually hear there!
It also keeps the option open for SS to go to a very well respected high school back in our city in just a few years.
Did I make a mistake in pointing out to FH that I resented his sudden desire to move to the south side of our city for SS school? I have been talking to him about wanting to move for the last few months to be closer to my sister and her family- we live 45 minutes from them now and I would like to live closer to them so that we can provide more support to each other. I think it was a mistake to point this out- I guess I wanted FH to just recognize that whenever I brought it up he would fight with me about it- but now that SS is involved he's more than willing. And this makes me a bit resentful! I suppose I should have waited until therapy tomorrow.
I sometimes am afraid that even after we have our own child, everything about our life will be dictated by what is best for SS. Not what is best for our family, as a whole.
Thoughts?
- steppinginsf's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Stepping... I am not
Stepping...
I am not entirely convinced that everything will revolve around SS because I think a lot of times, DH views your flexibility to move and adjust for SS based on the fact that you have no kids to uproot. I think that once you guys have kids together and they are settled, most likely he will see that he can't completely disrupt his whole family and their life for one child that he only sees 50% of the time, or however it may be. I am thinking then, he will not be so inclined to move on a whim.
Now if your DH is the kind that would favor his first children over the ones with his new wife (like someon here do) then that wouldn't apply.
But I know when I wanted to move out of state, DH said no, he wanted to be closer to his daughter. Once I got pregnant and moved out of state anyway, he came with me because he wanted to be a full time father again, and he was getting that chance with me.
Does that make sense?
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
It does. He is not the kind
It does. He is not the kind of man, I think, that would always position his first child first. He is a committed, wonderful dad. I respect all of the sacrifices he has made and continues to make. He also parents out of guilt, a great deal. And, he serves a somewhat dysfunctional role in the family that his him, his ex, and his son. This is something we talk about- or at least I bring up- b/c I am acutely aware that the role he serves in this threesome will have to change when we have a child of our own. He says that he wants me to respect him and his judgment and that of course it will- but while he is able to do the things he does (that I don't always agree with), he will. I worry about the resentment that SS might have when we have a child, b/c suddenly his dad isn't at his whim when he is with us, nor at his whim when he is with his mom and she doesn't pick up the slack.
I suppose I just need to trust and set my boundaries. And believe in the person that I am in love with and want a marriage, life, and children with.
Sounds like you have a firm
Sounds like you have a firm grip on things, my dear!
BUT- You still should not be subject to moving at him and BM's fancy. I would tell him that you are willing to be with him if he wants SS to get into a better school, but let him know that you will NOT be his yo-yo.
____________________________________________________________________
Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
Of course. I was very firm
Of course. I was very firm in where I was willing to move, that would meet SS's need for a good middle school, and then needs of BM and her family (she is remarried, with a new baby and a stepson). I sometimes am aware that FH doesn't always understand that it is huge for me to make these kinds of major changes in my life for a person who isn't my child, whom I haven't lived for, in essence, for the last 10 years. I want my choices to be acknowledged and appreciated.