I have posted many times about the relationship between FH and SS (almost 11). FH's identity is very tied to his son (he describes his son as his source of strength, and the thing that contributes most to his identity; I have talked with him about why I think this is unhealthy for them both). He has been a 50%, single parent for 8 years and then I arrived. During those 8 years he had 2 failed engagements. His son was his "significant other," and has always gone to adult parties and events with him. In the 2 years I've been with him there has never been another child invited over to their home, but instead SS receives constant, 1:1 attention from FH.
Recently, I have been told that I am "not showing enough commitment to being a family" with FH and SS. Despite the fact that I build my schedule around SS's custody schedule and varied activities, that I advocate for FH to keep his 50% time with SS when BM is trying to wrestle it away, etc. FH tells me these things "don't matter" and that I need to give him 100% blanket approval for all of his parenting practices to demonstrate my commitment and that any anxiety I have about extended periods of time with just the 3 of us are an indication of my lack of commitment.
Well, last night and this morning we had the most terrible fight. Or rather, FH was the most unkind, mean, and frankly verbally abusive he's ever been to me. I live in a city about 3 hours away, 3 days/week for my job (we are both professors). About 95% of the time I am the one who commutes back/forth. This past weekend was one of three this semester when FH was coming here-- SS was with to be with him as well. At 4pm on Friday, when FH was standing at SS's school to pick him up and start the drive he called me and told me that since I'd been feeling under the weather he wasn't coming b/c "he didn't want SS to get sick before the last week of 5th grade." He got made at me when I cried and was sad. He told me I didn't respect him as a parent. I got off the phone and then called him back a few hours later to let him know that I didn't respect his decision--- that I was family, his partner, NOT an office/job to stay away from when sick. I told him that I felt that my being under the weather (mind you, I had a low-grade fever and generally crumminess, NOT a bacterial infection, pneumonia, etc.) should have been an incentive to come even more, so that he could offer me support, caring, etc. and model that for his son (who thinks the world revolves around him). My weekend was awful- I was alone (I know few people where I work), I was sick, I felt sad and hurt. FH apologized Friday night-- and said he wouldn't hear of him hurting me for the remainder of the weekend. He'd apologized and I needed to get over it, period. He got very angry with me on Sunday when I expressed envy that he and SS had been playing tennis- this is something that I introduced to the "family" (there has been constant pressure on me since we got engaged to introduce an activity/interest. Most of the ones besides tennis were rejected). We had planned to play tennis here where I am. I was upset when FH left me a v.m. telling me he'd arranged a play date for SS so that he could get some grading done. I was happy that he did this- and I think it's healthy for them both that SS was playing with kids. But I was also annoyed b/c FH will NEVER have a play date for SS so that he and I can do something and SS has never been with a babysitter. FH knew I would see this discrepancy and told me I was selfish and self-focused for feeling annoyed about it.
I truly was just so sad and so alone and hurt. I hold a grudge sometimes, I know. But my weekend sucked. I was still sick yesterday- just exhausted and stressed with end-of-semester work. FH called me last night as asked what was wrong. I started crying, saying I felt crummy, and I was alone. I said I wake up alone, I eat alone, I come home alone and then added "perhaps you don't totally get that b/c you are in your comfortable apt and you have your son with you." He went totally nuts--- started yelling at me, and proceeded to say some of the absolutely most unkind things to me that he has ever said. He talked about my just wanting pity from him and trying to make him feel guilty. This was not my intention AT ALL. I wanted empathy-- I don't want pity from anyone! I told him I was stating facts, purely and simply. I truly did not intend for him to feel anything but maybe empathy. It was so awful and I was crying just saying "I don't understand" b/c I didn't/don't. I did not sleep last night, and called him this morning just to say "I love you, I didn't intend for that last night." He was so mean and horrible again to me. It was devastating. He told me that I am someone who just seeks out pity from other all the time, that I resent others for their good fortunes, that I always try to drag others down, and told me I am never allowed to tell him when I'm lonely here. There was so much venom in his voice. So much. He kept talking about how he apologized already on Friday, and him not coming here was never to come up again. He said that he and SS refrained from doing "fun things" so that I wouldn't get upset (they played basketball, tennis, went on a hike, watched a video together, SS went to a friend's on Sunday). I mentioned these "fun things" and he said "no, those were just filling time" and then listed about 6 activities that I haven't known them to do or us to do together in about 9 months. He hissed at me that he would never, ever feel bad about time he was with his son and that when he was with his son it was time I should really not expect him to have any thought or focus on me. When we were getting off the phone he said that he needed to hear me say "I wanted to be with him AND his son." I said I'm happy to be with them both. But I also just needed to be with him. He said this isn't good enough.
I was and am so so so sad and hurt. I don't know anyone else who knows me that would characterize me in the ways he did. I have never been described those ways. I have many faults-- many. I am very clear on what they are and very open to taking responsibility for them. I don't know how what I said last night turned into this. I was and am lonely. I will have gone 10 days (for about the 5th time this semester) without seeing FH. His decision made me feel like I am not a priority or part of a family.
I don't know if this is going to work. Every time I feel like he's made space in his life and heart for a partner- a partner that isn't an accessory to him and his son-- something like this past weekend and last night happen. Is it part of the developmental process? Can/should I be doing something I am not?
I need your thoughts. I am not sure how we went from being so happy and in love, to deciding to get married and having everything totally fall apart. No idea.