Trying but can't seem to....
So, my husband means the world to me and I try to do my best in making him happy and life good for him and for us. That being said, I'm so torn on my situation. I have two ss(10&11) and he has custody of them. I've been with him for almost 4 years (married for almost 2) and we recently had a son together (my first bio child). His kids mother gets them every weekend, but she works so they are left with her mother. They complain to my husband how they hate it there and don't want to go as there is hardly any food and she yells at them so they want to stay with us weekends too. Now, I've read other posts and seen how disrespectful and generally bad some people's step children are, but this is not my case. They are not bad or disrespectful and are generally sweet kids. In the beginning, I tried being a happy little family, but my husband was always the distant one leaving me to play the "PTA" mom and take them places minus him., yet they always left on weekends which I look forward to! Within te last 6 months, my husband and I have been disagreeing on their discipline/growth and development. To me, academics come first and everything else falls in line accordingly. That being said, they are both doing poorly in school especially in reading and when I bring it to my husband's attention, he dismisses it. I lock the television they have access to at 7pm daily so they may bathe and perhaps read for at least 30 mins daily before 8pm bedtime. My husband will ask me to unlock it so they can watch wrestling past their bedtime. If I say no tv because of their grades, he'll disagree and say I don't ever want them to do anything. He's hardly ever on board with my thoughts for their growth and development and does not have an active role in their academics as far as consistently helping with homework or inquiring about school. He believes spending time with them is letting them sit and watch tv with him or playing a few games of UNO from time to time. When he gets angry with me, he says I don't let him spend time with them because I prefer him in the bedroom with me and the baby . I've simply taken a hands off approach to them because I don't have his support which in turn has made me disinterested in even being around those boys. My husband is a wonderful father to our infant and I have no complaints there. Now, because they hate the grandmother's house, they are asking to stay home weekends which to me is out of the question. He tells the older one to ask me can they stay, but when I say no, we have plans, my husband goes on a rant right in front of him about why can't they come with us or why can't they just stay in the house while we continue our plans and how he doesn't want them to go if they dont want to. Their mother pays them little to no attention and pays us no child support. I feel like the least she can do is keep them weekends and make sure they are ok. I tolerate them being here M-F but I tell my husband and have since we met (upon which he told me their court ordered agreement was for her to get them weekends), the weekends are important to me and it's all I ask. I feel like if he allows them to stay, it will make me even more bitter toward them and cause strife between us. I understand they didn't ask to be here and when I married him, I took them on too....but I can't change how I feel! I've told my husband I hate how he rarely backs what I say in regards to them, but I believe he guilt parents them because their mother isn't really very interested in them and no one else really wants them around either. I'll be so angry if they stay the weekend, but I feel I want to make my hubby happy....but it's not like he's spending all this qt with them. They stay in the basement and watch tv and play video games. Am I wrong for just wishing they could go? I wish their mother would step up and want custody or to take them more. She always has excuses yet she has two other younger children who live with her. How do I deal with these emotions? Please help!
Well, I see two different
Well, I see two different courses of action (well, three, being the third one leaving the marriage but I don't believe that's what you want right now):
1. Disengage. Let your husband deal with his own sons. The way things are going, he is setting you and your marriage up for big failure, considering you a glorified babysitter/maid. If he wants you to care for his kids he needs to back you up. If not "Not your kid, not your problem". Even disengaging, remember the house is yours. Even if you decide not to have a say with his kids, you DO have a say in all that pertains to the house, joint finances, etc.
There are many resources on the site about disengaging.
If his kids stay during weekends, get your baby and go out. Visit friends and family, go out with the girls, etc.
I'd even leave the baby with him sometimes 'since he's staying home anyway' and take some time for yourself, a spa day, a night out with the girls, movies (I love going to the movies alone)... Whatever makes you happy.
2. Be very clear to him about what he is doing. He is parenting out of guilt and raising spoiled kids who aren't learning that they have to work hard for themselves in life. He is raising them to stay children and not to grow into adults. He is also (and this really concerns you if you are going to care for his kids) teaching them that what you say doesn't matter. He is expecting you to 'play the mother role' without the necessary authority to do so. Not good.
Plus he is acting like a spoiled little boy himself by complaining to you that you keep him from his kids.
You are not going to change the BM, but you can change your own actions and maybe get your husband to see the light. I suggest counseling with someone that has experience in step situations. Also, get the book Step Monster and read together.
It takes a lot of open conversation and reminders to keep some of these men on board. And some never get on board.
Remind him that a happy wife makes a happy family. I'm sure you can think of ways to do that
Good luck!
It seems to me that you both
It seems to me that you both have different ideas on how to raise kids and both of you should meet in the middle somewhere i had this with my daughters mum and it just ended with us splitting up.
He should,nt rant in front of the kids they need to see that you are both working as one even if your not because of a disagreement.
He should be backing you up in front of them even if he thinks your wrong i mean you can talk about why he thought you were wrong when they are in bed!
You need to set your boundaries talk to your husband tell him how you feel and go from there if he loves you then he will understand.
I have done the
I have done the disengagement. I'm not the PTA mom anymore and I don't spend time with them like I used to anymore. It's his choice to be up under me and our infant. I'm not going to TELL you to go be with them. As far as the home, yes it's my home and I control all of the finances and bills. His funds come to me and I give him what he needs for his personal stash so that's not an issue. I taught them to wash clothes and he will tell them to wash the clothes (which they always have strewn about the basement floor) AFTER he goes down there and sees them everywhere or sees that it looks like a tornado came through there! Other than the issue with his kids and me wanting my weekends without them in the home, he's a great husband and father to our infant son. I've tried talking to him about addressing things with me in private but it doesn't work. He gets so angry and worked up and his solution is always to leave and take a ride or something. He was also insecure when we were dating so if I spent the weekend out even if it's with my BFF, he'll retort back to his insecurities which will cause friction. Its not to the point of me wanting to separate, but I don't want it to get there either. It's no talking to him because he just doesn't understand how I feel. I believe he's dated women with kids in the past, but he loves kids and is extremely patient so the make pretend blended family thing wouldn't have bothered him so there is no empathy. Sigh.
Have you looked into
Have you looked into counseling for the kids? Having a mom who can't be bothered to buy food for you for the 2 days a week she sees you has to harsh! A therapist could help you and DH set up ground rules and appropriate punishments. Finally, I think the fact that DH will ARGUE with you in front of the kids is 100% wrong and really needs to stop. Him leaving when he doesn't get his way, is a grown up temper tantrum. Also, very disrespectful towards you!
DH is terrified that when SD turns 13 (4 years away) she won't want to come over on weekends. As a result, he wants to make sure that her time with us is as perfect FOR HER as it can be. That means as few rules as possible and no punishments - other than a verbal scolding and an occasional forced apology. It took a major blowup on my part for DH to finally agree to putting some rules in place.
ok so I completely understand
ok so I completely understand where you are coming from the only difference is my boyfriend and I dont have kids together he just has 2 and they are my SS..when I met my boyfriend he had NO CLUE as to what he was doing. They boys would go to bed whenever my boyfriend would remember that the kids were there they would eat fast food all of the time or nothing really healthy...and soda soda soda....it took me all of 3 years to get not just him but the kids as well to where they are now. My boyfriend will still say things to me from time to time, but I just think its him wanting to be heard because SM has come in and taken over, he jumps to it sometimes without me saying it but for the most part its all me. What works for me sometimes is talking to him like he is a kid as well, explaining to him why I've made this choice. I mean my boyfriend wanted to put our SS7 at the time in soccer but he was held back because he couldnt read....ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!....but I explained to him that playing soccer isnt any where near important as his son reading, then when that didnt work I explained to him that giving my SS what he wants (playing soccer) is only teaching him that reading isnt important and that shows on our part how much we really care how well he reads. I got so involved that now my SS is reading VERY WELL he even reads books to me before bed time. Showing my boyfriend the end result of what I was asking for as shown him that I may no what I am talking about. Funny my boys watch wrestling as well..BIG FANS... my new fight is how often they get to stay up to watch it. Its gone from Mon and Fri to now its on Mon, Wen, Thurs, Fri and Saturday at 8 or 9pm till its over which is usually an hour. I dissagree but I told my boyfriend that as long as it doesnt start to effect their sleep habits and them being over exhausted after school to do their homework I wont say anything about. I guess its just a matter of picking your battles and letting the DADs fall on their face. I hate to sound evil or mean towards my boyfriend but sometimes you have to teach them a lesson as well. good luck!!